Mar 19, 2013 - 7:26 pm
So I was diagnosed with stage 3C OVC in 2007. First let me say that I have been very fortunate and have enjoyed a lot of pretty good health and normalcy since my diagnosis. I have an amazing and blessed life. And bottom line - I am still here! Now for the whine -
In 2011 after over 3 years of NED my tumor marker began to creep back up and in Sept of 2011 I went back on carbo/taxol. Six treatments bought me about 6 months and then my marker started going up again. So late last year we decided to start on Doxil in January. Before my first treatment my CA125 was 116. After the first treatment it had gone up to 190. Second treatment and it went down to 179. I had my third treatment two weeks ago and today found out my CA125 is now 146.
Can you detect the sarcasm? LOL. This really is great news. My husband was all excited and asked oh have you called so and so and so and so to tell them. I am thinknig - no, why? It is just more of the same *$%@. Aren't we just postponing the inevitable? I am so over it.
I have never been an in between or "sort of" kind of person. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. That has proven to be a challenge for me in a lot of situations. But now that poses a real problem (get ready for a blunt statement here) - because the "nothing" part of this equation is dead and the "all" is no longer an option. This is not going away.
So I am trying to learn to be "kind of sick", to live with the gorillia in the room so to speak. I feel pretty good most of the time. I look fine - have all my hair etc. I get up everyday. I work, do yard work, house work. I go out, travel etc. But I have cancer. It is just so hard to get and stay motivated about things, think long term, make some career decisons that are currently facing me, and regular everyday future life planning - without thinking - but what about and what if and whats the point?
I was good at being sick and good and being healthy. It seems it is this in between state that I need to work on.