Musings on a Cloudy Day...Mental Health
Listening to many here has made me so very aware that there needs to be a new diagnosis for the mental health issues that so many of us suffer. PTSD just doesn't cut it, in my opinion, because the stressors unique to a cancer survivor are not necessarily POST anything. I am living proof here.
And I know I am mental now. Lexapro helps a lot but here are some of my symptoms and please, please add your own. This could be our new game. 
Make it as serious or as funny as you want. Respectfully, maybe we should call what we have CAS (Cancer Anxiety Disorder).
1. Vexation. My relatives are driving me crazy. Suddenly everyone wants to take me out to eat when I have no appetitite. My sister wants to fly me to California to see American Idol live. My brother wants to come and visit with his lively toddlers. Ok, I get how sweet this, is but I have no idea what I am facing and don't really want to go anywhere and I am not sure I am up to toddlers 24/7 (and you all know I love babies). My mother-in-law (dementia) is telling everyone that I have had my lung and ribs surgically removed and I now have 231 cancers everywhere. I am the bionic woman...lol.
2. Constant ambivalence. Relatives are unconcerned (because I have been through this before) or too concerned (measuring coffin so to speak). I hate them and love them and wish I could go into hibernation.
3. Hypochondriasis vs Cancer. Here is something PTSD just doesn't cover. Shingles pain vs liver mets? Muscle spasm vs rib mets? I could go on and on here. Should I live my life listening to every ache in my body (and go nuttier) or ignore everything. There is a balance there that I strive to achieve, but doubt seriously that I have (more lexapro anyone?).
4. Night Crawlers. I did not know about night crawlers before cancer. To me, these are the demons that wreak havoc in the middle of the night: the what ifs, the black and horrible thoughts that can attack when you should be peacefully resting. Ambien can help when I am desperate. Reading helps (did I ever mention how many novels that I have read in 26 years with cancer?). When the demons won't leave, I am blessed with a husband who will hug me (no matter the time) and whisper soothing words. But I hate the creatures of the night.
5. Anger. At the disease. At my body. At the lack of progress. At my relatives (again). On and on.
6. Irritability. This is kind of new for me. I used to be a perky sort nearly all of the time. As my energy has ebbed and various bodily complaints have surged, I find myself more negative. I am warning others, because it seems difficult to overcome the grumps when I don't feel so great. And other than warning others, I am finding some joy in being crabby so I am not sure I am curable.
7. White Coat Syndrome. I hate hospitals, tests, seeing physicians, etc. And I love them--there is that ambivalence again. I guess it is more accurate to say that all of it now terrifies me.
8. Sadness...that I might not be able to see...fill in the blanks. This is getting depressing--just shoot me now...lol.
OK, that is enough whining for now 
. I am not really that bad off, but I do believe what we experience mental healthwise is very unique and difficult and something that the "Muggles" (as dear Chen would say) do not understand. Maybe that is why I love this MB so much . What do you think?
Comments
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I would add "Envy"
CC, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, and am grateful for your list of "symptoms" -- they're both poignant and funny at the same time, because I think we all can relate to most of them in one way or another.
I would add "Envy" -- envy of those breast cancer survivors who glide blissfully through life (or at least seem to) like cancer is completely in the past, never to be seen again.
My aunt was diagnosed about 8 years ago -- she had a lumpectomy and radiation, refused to take any of the 5-year pills offered to her, and has been cancer-free ever since. She talks about having had cancer completely in the past tense, and seems convinced that she'll never have to deal with it again.
We never know what "night crawlers" visit another person when they're alone in the middle of the night, so maybe survivors like these aren't as blissful as they seem, but man -- I really envy my aunt and others who talk about having had cancer as just a little "bump in the road," never to be seen again. The truth is, you never know, and I'm not able to block out that truth the way some others can.
Traci
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I think you covered it pretty well.
The one that most don't get is what you call the night crawlers! Seems like that is when most of the fears and 'nutso thoughts' decide to show up. Sadness.... big one right before anger. Yet if family see's I am sad they remind me I have been more time than origionally thought, therefore I should always be happy!
This is so hard in so many ways, and it is hard to greive for all that has been lost, and greiving fornwhat is coming, because I should just be happy (which I am), that I am still here.
So much sadness goes along with this disease. Forming relationships with those who are at the end, meeting new friends at treatment, losing old friends who just cant deal wih it, losing physical and mental abilities from the med,;tumors etc.
Yeah, maybe they should bring the coats. But his isnsuch a different type of kental illness and when I have mentioned some of these issues to the drs, they dont even get it!0 -
CAD
So sad. I have not been through even 1/16th of what you've been through. And with that knowledge, I feel some of what you talk about. #2, #7 and #8.
I guess I would add:
9. Uncertainties...Not knowing if the meds are working. Or if you are doing everything you can to keep a recurrence from happening. Not knowing what the future is for you even with the early stage cancers.
10. Denial. Maybe one could fit this one into ambivalence. The "knowing" that cancer has touched your life, yet trying to sweep it under the rug as if IT never happened. Making the decision to stop treatment because you pretty much believe there is no way this beast will ever try to attack you again. It's nuts isn't it? I've done this but got reminded by my MO that a recurrence "is ugly" and you really don't what to go there.
11. Anxiety. That nagging feeling of darkness every time a new pain or symptom comes up. It's annoying, aggravating, depressing, etc ... each and every time this happens. I try my hardest NOT to go to that dark place but can't do it completely and end up anxious when I have to see the doctor. Or when I am due for a new test. UGH!!!
These are first thoughts I had after reading your perfectly SANE post.
xoxo
Mary
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Grieving--that is a HUGE onecamul said:I think you covered it pretty well.
The one that most don't get is what you call the night crawlers! Seems like that is when most of the fears and 'nutso thoughts' decide to show up. Sadness.... big one right before anger. Yet if family see's I am sad they remind me I have been more time than origionally thought, therefore I should always be happy!
This is so hard in so many ways, and it is hard to greive for all that has been lost, and greiving fornwhat is coming, because I should just be happy (which I am), that I am still here.
So much sadness goes along with this disease. Forming relationships with those who are at the end, meeting new friends at treatment, losing old friends who just cant deal wih it, losing physical and mental abilities from the med,;tumors etc.
Yeah, maybe they should bring the coats. But his isnsuch a different type of kental illness and when I have mentioned some of these issues to the drs, they dont even get it!Grieving--that is a HUGE one that I missed! You are sooo right! The loss of body image, the loss of health, etc.
And the incredible loss that comes with seeing so many others suffer and then losing some of them.
You are so right! And thanks for validating my nuttiness
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Thanks Mary. And what youMsGebby said:CAD
So sad. I have not been through even 1/16th of what you've been through. And with that knowledge, I feel some of what you talk about. #2, #7 and #8.
I guess I would add:
9. Uncertainties...Not knowing if the meds are working. Or if you are doing everything you can to keep a recurrence from happening. Not knowing what the future is for you even with the early stage cancers.
10. Denial. Maybe one could fit this one into ambivalence. The "knowing" that cancer has touched your life, yet trying to sweep it under the rug as if IT never happened. Making the decision to stop treatment because you pretty much believe there is no way this beast will ever try to attack you again. It's nuts isn't it? I've done this but got reminded by my MO that a recurrence "is ugly" and you really don't what to go there.
11. Anxiety. That nagging feeling of darkness every time a new pain or symptom comes up. It's annoying, aggravating, depressing, etc ... each and every time this happens. I try my hardest NOT to go to that dark place but can't do it completely and end up anxious when I have to see the doctor. Or when I am due for a new test. UGH!!!
These are first thoughts I had after reading your perfectly SANE post.
xoxo
Mary
Thanks Mary. And what you say so eloquently is what I mean by this not being PTSD. Because it is so hard to tease out what we should deny and what we should be anxious about. Some of it lessens with time, but.... And thanks for calling my post sane. My family might disagree...LOL!
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It can't be PTSDCypressCynthia said:Thanks Mary. And what you
Thanks Mary. And what you say so eloquently is what I mean by this not being PTSD. Because it is so hard to tease out what we should deny and what we should be anxious about. Some of it lessens with time, but.... And thanks for calling my post sane. My family might disagree...LOL!
when the reality is that the beast continues to live even when one is in remission. What did Doris call it? Oh yes .... NEAD. How can this possibly be called anything with the word POST .... DISORDER? You are so on to something here CC. Having support groups is truly a blessing. People helping people is always the nicest way to endure an illness. But the professionals really need to sit up and listen to this C A D. I don't think I would go to a psychiatrist's office with this type "problem". I don't think they can understand it without making it PTSD. So where does one go for help? Perhaps ACS or Susan G Komen or Sloan Kettering OR .....
I am going to do some research on this. Maybe there is something available or at least maybe there is something on the horizon.
xoxo
Mary
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Add in Financial devistation!
Nothing like going from feeling financially sound to losing everything that you have worked years to aquire, small things like a home, car, insuarance....
CC. It is amazing what goes through our minds when we get results, or hear others diagnosis. It always brings OUR realities to the forefront!
Thank God for a sense of humor or we would be filing up a looloo bin all by ourselves!!!0 -
Add in Financial devistation!
Nothing like going from feeling financially sound to losing everything that you have worked years to aquire, small things like a home, car, insuarance....
CC. It is amazing what goes through our minds when we get results, or hear others diagnosis. It always brings OUR realities to the forefront!
Thank God for a sense of humor or we would be filing up a looloo bin all by ourselves!!!0 -
Again, you guys blow mecamul said:Add in Financial devistation!
Nothing like going from feeling financially sound to losing everything that you have worked years to aquire, small things like a home, car, insuarance....
CC. It is amazing what goes through our minds when we get results, or hear others diagnosis. It always brings OUR realities to the forefront!
Thank God for a sense of humor or we would be filing up a looloo bin all by ourselves!!!Again, you guys blow me away! When the night crawlers come, this is one of my (and I am sure most folk's) biggest fears. Is this illness going to pull the rug out financially. You are wonderful for pointing this out!
And please do research it. That is a great idea!
My sense of humor is absolutely vital. Danny, king of one-liners, helps to keep me laughing and he helps to keep things in perspective. He is so not a worrier. Maybe that is why I married him...lol!
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What a great post CCCypressCynthia said:Again, you guys blow me
Again, you guys blow me away! When the night crawlers come, this is one of my (and I am sure most folk's) biggest fears. Is this illness going to pull the rug out financially. You are wonderful for pointing this out!
And please do research it. That is a great idea!
My sense of humor is absolutely vital. Danny, king of one-liners, helps to keep me laughing and he helps to keep things in perspective. He is so not a worrier. Maybe that is why I married him...lol!
It is like listing all the reasons we come here for but more in a concentrated form.
The one thing I would like to add is Alienation, no not the green kind with the big eyes, I mean alienation
from yourself. Your body, your self Image, who you used to be. We talk about it here all the time the New
"normal" and how to come to terms with this person and place in life.
I can understand your love/hate relationhip with your relatives, I felt the same. I wanted them to see me
as I was and not treat me as this cancer patient. But at the same time I was appreciative of their affection.
I call cancer my showstopper, the show goes on, no question but it is like someone came in rearranged the
whole set and took away my lines, my hair, my boob... and yet you gotta go on.
I am so happy CC that you have someone to hold you when the night crawlers comm'o knocking. They don't
announce themselves either, no they just crash in.
The biggest gift I take away from cancer is you ladies and the wisdom you have passed down to me. As you
can see, I can't stay away. You are always on mind.
But yet after all the posts, after all the time I have been here, words fail me.
I wish I could just hold you.
Love,
Ayse
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I love you too Ayse. Youaysemari said:What a great post CC
It is like listing all the reasons we come here for but more in a concentrated form.
The one thing I would like to add is Alienation, no not the green kind with the big eyes, I mean alienation
from yourself. Your body, your self Image, who you used to be. We talk about it here all the time the New
"normal" and how to come to terms with this person and place in life.
I can understand your love/hate relationhip with your relatives, I felt the same. I wanted them to see me
as I was and not treat me as this cancer patient. But at the same time I was appreciative of their affection.
I call cancer my showstopper, the show goes on, no question but it is like someone came in rearranged the
whole set and took away my lines, my hair, my boob... and yet you gotta go on.
I am so happy CC that you have someone to hold you when the night crawlers comm'o knocking. They don't
announce themselves either, no they just crash in.
The biggest gift I take away from cancer is you ladies and the wisdom you have passed down to me. As you
can see, I can't stay away. You are always on mind.
But yet after all the posts, after all the time I have been here, words fail me.
I wish I could just hold you.
Love,
Ayse
I love you too Ayse. You always inspire me. I love alienation--that is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant! There are so many ways cancer makes me feel alienated and maybe a little like an alien too!
I think I am going to print out everyone's feedback and forward it on to my psychiatrist sister and to my oncologist. What do you guys think?
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I think Time ManagementCypressCynthia said:I love you too Ayse. You
I love you too Ayse. You always inspire me. I love alienation--that is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant! There are so many ways cancer makes me feel alienated and maybe a little like an alien too!
I think I am going to print out everyone's feedback and forward it on to my psychiatrist sister and to my oncologist. What do you guys think?
because I wonder in the periods of dark times what I should focus on before the "what ifs" take control. Which things should become priorities today? Which ones can slide for now? Carol, you are absolutely right about the financial part. When the night crawlers visit, I wonder if I'll skate through an entire year without breaking the bank. Being sick is hard enough on people. We could all write a book! Linda
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I love it Traci! I am reallyTraciInLA said:I would add "Envy"
CC, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, and am grateful for your list of "symptoms" -- they're both poignant and funny at the same time, because I think we all can relate to most of them in one way or another.
I would add "Envy" -- envy of those breast cancer survivors who glide blissfully through life (or at least seem to) like cancer is completely in the past, never to be seen again.
My aunt was diagnosed about 8 years ago -- she had a lumpectomy and radiation, refused to take any of the 5-year pills offered to her, and has been cancer-free ever since. She talks about having had cancer completely in the past tense, and seems convinced that she'll never have to deal with it again.
We never know what "night crawlers" visit another person when they're alone in the middle of the night, so maybe survivors like these aren't as blissful as they seem, but man -- I really envy my aunt and others who talk about having had cancer as just a little "bump in the road," never to be seen again. The truth is, you never know, and I'm not able to block out that truth the way some others can.
Traci
I love it Traci! I am really envious when I see someone smoke, drink, do drugs, not exercise, etc and they appear to be healthy as a horse! And they are oblivious. Now I am sliding back into anger...lol.
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Black Cloud Serpentcamul said:Add in Financial devistation!
Nothing like going from feeling financially sound to losing everything that you have worked years to aquire, small things like a home, car, insuarance....
CC. It is amazing what goes through our minds when we get results, or hear others diagnosis. It always brings OUR realities to the forefront!
Thank God for a sense of humor or we would be filing up a looloo bin all by ourselves!!!A creature whom looms overhead of our daily lives -- ready, and ABLE to suck the life out of any happiness, or moments of clarity or normalcy.
This creature -- drives me crazy --
Vicki Sam
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what you call nightcrawlerscamul said:Add in Financial devistation!
Nothing like going from feeling financially sound to losing everything that you have worked years to aquire, small things like a home, car, insuarance....
CC. It is amazing what goes through our minds when we get results, or hear others diagnosis. It always brings OUR realities to the forefront!
Thank God for a sense of humor or we would be filing up a looloo bin all by ourselves!!!I call the committee. The committee perches on the bed posts at night and waits till I'm almost asleep then wakes me up:
"Psst, you awake?"
"Go away."
"We want to talk about the cancer."
"The doctor says I'll be fine."
"And you believe him?"
"Yeah, I do. I'm trying to."
"Well, it's spreading. All over. Right now. Everywhere."
And so on. You get the idea. The committee explains in great detail all the dire things that will happen including financial devastation, loss of body parts and limbs, rot and decay.
I'm glad you're talking, writing, saying, CC. Big hugs to you.
xoxo
Victoria
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Dreadaisling8 said:what you call nightcrawlers
I call the committee. The committee perches on the bed posts at night and waits till I'm almost asleep then wakes me up:
"Psst, you awake?"
"Go away."
"We want to talk about the cancer."
"The doctor says I'll be fine."
"And you believe him?"
"Yeah, I do. I'm trying to."
"Well, it's spreading. All over. Right now. Everywhere."
And so on. You get the idea. The committee explains in great detail all the dire things that will happen including financial devastation, loss of body parts and limbs, rot and decay.
I'm glad you're talking, writing, saying, CC. Big hugs to you.
xoxo
Victoria
This has been one of my big things. I dreaded treatments, I now dread follow ups and tests. I conjured up all sorts of bad expectations when I was first diagnosed and I can still do that sometimes. I just didn't want to do it. This must be someone else's life, not mine. I had to and still have to tell myself I just need to get through whatever is sheduled but I dread everything about my own followups. Having to have followup for both cancers was a little overwhelming for the first 2 years.
Relationships definitely change, don't they? I can so relate to your emotions regarding your inlaws. I still have similar issues and will never forget some of the disappointments and anger that came up. Lucky for my husband, he was perfect (well, maybe not perfect, but he was definitely good).
I hate that you're going through all this, Eileen. I know you know that we're here for you, but I'll say it again. We're here for you.
Hugs,
Suzanne
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The "What If" Effect
My major side effect right now is the "what if."
It comes in three varieties:
- what if I could have done something to prevent this (i.e., self-blaming),
- what if this messes up my life as I try to reclaim it (i.e., what if my friends treat me differently? what if I don't get that promotion?), and
- what if this comes back (i.e., recurrence)
Playing "what if" is completely maddening, particularly as many of the scenarios are things over which I have little control. Further, if I take the "what ifs" too far, I won't be able to step fully into my life and enjoy it...
Megan
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I couldn't agree moreDouble Whammy said:Dread
This has been one of my big things. I dreaded treatments, I now dread follow ups and tests. I conjured up all sorts of bad expectations when I was first diagnosed and I can still do that sometimes. I just didn't want to do it. This must be someone else's life, not mine. I had to and still have to tell myself I just need to get through whatever is sheduled but I dread everything about my own followups. Having to have followup for both cancers was a little overwhelming for the first 2 years.
Relationships definitely change, don't they? I can so relate to your emotions regarding your inlaws. I still have similar issues and will never forget some of the disappointments and anger that came up. Lucky for my husband, he was perfect (well, maybe not perfect, but he was definitely good).
I hate that you're going through all this, Eileen. I know you know that we're here for you, but I'll say it again. We're here for you.
Hugs,
Suzanne
on the dread, Suzanne. I dread even dentist appointments (!) because I fear that they will find something or see something (lol). I never let anyone know, though, the dread that I feel.
Also, I am with you, Cynthia and Traci on the envy. I envy those that can live recklessly and never seem to get their comeupppance. I am not a bitter person, it just bugs me that I had to go through this when so many others that smoke, don't exercise, etc... didn't. Eh, these are things I keep to myself because I know that they aren't rational (or particularly generous/nice) and that my friends and family probably wouldn't understand. I'm glad to know that others that I respect and admire have similar feelings.
Here is to a peaceful night's sleep to all!
Clementine
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Loss of ignorance.
I never really thought of myself as ignorant but now I realize that, when it came to cancer, I was definitely ignorant. I started to use the word innocence but, when I looked up the definition of the word, it referenced ignorance so I looked up that word and thought it fit better. I would soooooo love to go back to being ignorant but there is no going back. And, yes, I too feel envy. I feel envy toward those who are still ignorant about cancer.
HUGS!!!
Jamie
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Financial Is a Good One Carolcamul said:Add in Financial devistation!
Nothing like going from feeling financially sound to losing everything that you have worked years to aquire, small things like a home, car, insuarance....
CC. It is amazing what goes through our minds when we get results, or hear others diagnosis. It always brings OUR realities to the forefront!
Thank God for a sense of humor or we would be filing up a looloo bin all by ourselves!!!I would love to know how much this disease has cost me in over 18 1/2 years.
I have always had treatments and some of my other conditions were off shoots of the breast cancer,. Take Arimidex, the first of the aromatase inhibitors. Very new all the side effect were not listed when I began to use it in 1999. In 2003, I fell, 3 vertebra fractures, (cementing was to new for where I live), I started bisphosphonates. This in turn gave me uveitis, so for 8 years, I've had a specialist with this condition along with four prescriptions at this time. There was more when I began with eye drops, then injections of methotrexate and paraphanelia). Then the one lymph node dissection (no sentinel node invented at the time) then a 2nd dissection, with 4 bouts of cellulitis that was more or less 4-5 days in the hospital each time, time off work, antibiotics. Then I developed a full thickness tear of the supraspinatus tendon and chronic bursitis. I had MRI's, CT scans, shots. You get the picture.
No wonder at times I feel as though I went through the fiscal cleaners.
Doris
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