Mar 16, 2013 - 4:56 pm
Today marks the third anniversary of the call that forever changed my life. It is hitting me harder this year probably because I was in remission for the first two. I have mixed feelings today. Of course I am thrilled to be alive. When I got my diangosis I "assumed" I had a few months to live. I am also in remarkably good health even though I recurred almost a year ago and have two tumors. I have no symptoms related to the cancer. I am experiencing hot flashes and fatigue due to the Aromasin I am taking. At the end of the month I will have a CA 125 that will determine if I keep taking the Aromasin or start chemo.
I think this three-year journey is currently taking more of a toll on my mental and emotional state. You all know what I mean. The ups and downs that keep coming. Sometimes I think it is almost easier to deal with the downs. We put our big-girl panties on and fight. The good although treasured is dampened by fear of the possibility of the next down. I try to remain upbeat but there are days that I just want to scream. But then the next day I feel happy. I warned you about my mental state.
The prospect of chemo is also frightening. Just because I have gone through it before does not make it any easier. I think it is harder in ways. I didn't know what to expect and was so sick I was willing to do anything to beat the disease. I had a lot of help. My house was full of people offering support. I hate the thought of dragging everyone through it all again. I am reassured by my nearest and dearest that they are here for me but I wish they didn't have to be. My mom at 88 has become more fragile over the last couple of years and finds it difficult to see me suffer and I don't want my son's good memories of me to be eclipsed by this illness.
That pretty much puts my journey in a nutshell. The good, the bad and the ugly cancer.
One good thing this disease has brought into my life is all of you. The sisterhood I have found on this site has been a saving grace for me. I am amazed by your compassion, kindness, and courage. The will to live; to fight for this life we all love. I also appreciate the humor we share. Sometimes you just have to laugh!
So ladies, I want to end on a happy note. I feel better after "talking" to you. You are so important in my life I talk about you all to people who proabably cannot fathom the bond we have. But we know, don't we?
Love you all,