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Just thinking...

Marynb
Posts: 1134
Joined: Aug 2012

I just have to say this....I HATE CANCER. I am having one of those weeks filled with thoughts of metastasis, recurrence, getting affairs in order, bucket lists. I just hate it. This is the first time it has really gotten to me. I don't let on to family and friends because I don't want to worry them. I am sure you can all relate? I am not one to cry in my coffee, but I wish I could! I don't like becoming a worrier.

I have had terrible stomach pains all week. Hopefully, they are getting better since I went on the all soup diet. Of course, my mind goes straight to cancer. Ugh!

Thanks for listening.

Phoebesnow
Posts: 447
Joined: Apr 2011

I am sorry u r  feeling this way Mary .  I know what it's like to live with the fear is it going to be today that my life is going to change forever.  The truth is we won't know until it happens. In the meantime it is best not to feed this fear and give it power.  I think it is good that u r planning ahead and getting your affairs in order.

 

I just try to live each day as if it was my last day.  I want to enjoy the freedom that I have now to the fullest.

 

One year ago on the 15 thof march I was diagnosedwithin ataxia.  At that time I was walking like a drunken sailor and collapsing on to then floor.  I walked with a cane to protect myself from a falling injury.  When I asked my physical therapist if I would ever give up the cane, he said no.  I researched and found other ataxians who tried to help me.  I am now cane free.   I have bouts but I will not give in to them until it renders me totally helpless.

The only cure for ataxia is death. 

I have a young friend 30 a new mother only married 3 years who has your cancer.  She had the surgery also and is now exercising and eating very healthy daily.    I understand your fears and they are not without merit, but u never will get these days back so live them and live them with joy.

 

I hope u feel better soon.  U always sound so chipper.

eihtak
Posts: 826
Joined: Oct 2011

I have always been a prayerful person and try to remind myself not to question "why" things happen, but to have the faith that "He" has a plan and we are to just have faith that "His ways are not our ways".....that being said, sure as **** is hard sometimes!!

ps. I have cried in my coffee, it gets watered down and tastes awful!

 

Marynb
Posts: 1134
Joined: Aug 2012

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Yes, prayer is my constant companion. Phoebe, your friend has neuroendocrine carcinoma? It is very rare and so rare, I don't know anyone else with it.

Eihtak....lol. No sense in diluting a good cup of coffee! Thanks for making me laugh.

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 2878
Joined: Jan 2010

I'm sorry that all these thoughts are running through your mind right now.  I have had times such as that also off and on.  I usually keep it to myself, just like you, which may not be the right way to handle it, but I always think that worrying others may just make things worse.  I doubt that there is any cancer survivor who is unable to relate to this.  Fear and uncertainty are hard to deal with and nothing I know of causes those two things more than cancer, at least in my personal experience. 

As for the stomach pain, I hope that the diet change will continue to give you some relief.  I've gone for almost two weeks now (knock on wood) without having to vomit, so I consider that a real improvement. 

Lorikat's picture
Lorikat
Posts: 557
Joined: Jul 2011

I also keep it to myself....  I'm afraid people will get tired of hearing me talk about it so I don't.  That's why this site is so important....

Phoebesnow
Posts: 447
Joined: Apr 2011

Yes it is the wife of a client.   Ihave worked for his family for 12 years and I work for all the kids extended family and friends.  In the beginning she was very open about it tapping on my cancer experience.  I know hers is slow growing and considered a lifelong condition, she gives herself shots every day.  These are some very remarkable young people.  There father passed away and they are billionaires, they both work nd live a relatively simple life.  I really admire them..    

Marynb
Posts: 1134
Joined: Aug 2012

That is interesting. I hope the shots work to extend her life. I don't take the shots, the doctors don't feel they will extend my life and my symptoms right now are not undoable for me. Mine is not slow growing right now. I may change my mind on shots in the future. God bless her! There is nothing fair about that. When I was diagnosed with the second cancer, my daughter was in college. My prayer was that I live to see her graduate. My prayer was answered and that was a very happy day for me and for her. I cannot imagine being diagnosed when she was younger. No child should be without her mother.

LaCh
Posts: 512
Joined: Dec 2012

are that I'm not worried about a recurrence or that the treatments didn't result in a cure.  I feel uncomfortable saying it in light of the prevailing feelings here.  Maybe I'm just revealing the rare duck that I am.  Maybe I ought to worry about it. I dunno. Maybe I'm not worried because I had stage 1 or 2 (it was never definitively decided which).  I hope that I've not offended anyone as I have a habit of doing, although never intending to.  Feel free to yell at me if you want. 

Marynb
Posts: 1134
Joined: Aug 2012

No, no, no. Anal cancer is curable and I am sure that I am cured of that cancer. You have no reason to worry, really. I worry because I have an incurable cancer. There may be a day that they find a cure. It is the same cancer Steve Jobs died of. I wish he had done more to raise awareness of neuroendocrine cancer.

Btw, I don't yell! Lol.

sephie's picture
sephie
Posts: 521
Joined: Apr 2009

lach,  you do not offend me with anything that you have to say....whatever it is....please do not feel uncomfortable expressing yourself....we have all gone thru torture.....say whatever you want to ..... of course,  we are all different people with different beliefs but we had the same rare cancer....that makes it more informative as to how we each handle things...no matter what, we are all trying to help each other and this is a great thing........ i am glad that you do not worry....what a wonderful gift that is.....give your dog a nice rub from me .......sephie

LaCh
Posts: 512
Joined: Dec 2012

<smile> thanks sephie,

signed,

rare duck

sephie's picture
sephie
Posts: 521
Joined: Apr 2009

marynb, i hate cancer also...i am sorry that you are having to deal with this other cancer....i have had and still do have really bad days but  i can not let anyone know except all of you because they just tell me that i should  have a good attitude  and that i should be happy how far i have come and etc..... i also had sis in law tell me how wonderful Robin Roberts attitude was during her ordeal...(made me feel like she was tired of my complaining),....soooooo,,,,,, i am truly grateful far how much better i am but i still hate cancer.....and i still hate the side effects that i deal with....and the lack of energy...and the pain....and the fear....ok....now i got it out again..... hugs to you .....sephie

Eliz3
Posts: 32
Joined: Feb 2013

Hey Sephie

You have every right to feel the way you do, it is your journey and if you feel scared, well you should ne able to express it, especially to loved ones.  I can't imagine not feeling empathy for anyone that has had cancer, your sister in law should just be thankful it is not her plight!

Do any of you ever have days where you don't think about it?

sephie's picture
sephie
Posts: 521
Joined: Apr 2009

ok i have to be honest..... i have not had one day that i do not think of anal cancer BUT i am not depressed or suicidal or anything....and I am grateful that i can walk and do things......::::every day,  i get up and have to eat a certain way and drink tons of water so that i can have soft BM's,  then i have to take stool softeners,   then i wait for the BM and hope that it does not hurt too badly..... then depending on where i need to be and at what time, determines when i wake up to have enough time to finish all my multiple BM's////  then, i hurt if i sit too long so i stand most of the time...., anyway ,,    the only reason it is on my mind is because i still feel discomfort but it is a whole lot better than it used to be and i am truly happy about that.....  but there are others who do not think of it as much as i do.....so there is always hope for improvement...... sephie

Eliz3
Posts: 32
Joined: Feb 2013

I am sad sorry to read hat you were having a bad day, are you any better today?

To be honest, I think you all sound very brave, it can't be easy, you must have bad days.  

Since my sister was diagnosed with cancer I feel it has really changed the way I think, and the way I live.    I think I feel like making a lot more effort each day to get thing done, and to enjoy myself.:)

What do the doctors tell you, do they say you are cancer free at this stage?

Marynb
Posts: 1134
Joined: Aug 2012

Thanks for the prayers and kind thought. I have a strong Christian faith, but for some reason, last week was really a bad one and I lost faith a little. I am feeling better today and will be seeing doctors this week.

Eliz, no I not cancer free, but my cancer is intermediate grade and I may have years......and they may find a cure. Anything is possible! I have to stay positive.

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 2878
Joined: Jan 2010

I am glad you are feeling better!  I wish you all the best with your upcoming doctor's appts.

qv62
Posts: 262
Joined: Nov 2012

Mary I am so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time, I am sending special prayers your way, you are such a positive vibe on this site, I hop on and off every few weeks but will send good thoughts your way even if I am not online (((()))) not sure if I did that right but it is supposed to be hugs !

horsepad's picture
horsepad
Posts: 82
Joined: Apr 2012

I think about my cancer daily.  I worry.  I am stage 4.  I have quit saying anything negative (although I think it) because people don't want to hear that.  I never talk about my cancer unless someone asks then I ALWAYS say I feel great, I'm doing great, everything is great.  Many people have said to me I could be dead tomorrow, when it's your time, it's your time BUT it's not the same as when you have cancer staring you in the face.   I believe everyone on this board has feared the future and someone who has not had a life threatening disease couldn't possibly understand that feeling of fear.   I feel like I lost my life, my husband died, I'm raising grandchildren alone, my life is gone.  Even though this sounds bad, I am not depressed.  This is my life and I will do the best I can.  I firmly believe God is at my side, his will be done is what I want, and whatever my future holds, he will be there to help me throught it. 

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 2878
Joined: Jan 2010

I agree that unless someone has experienced a life-threatening disease they can't possibly understand the fear that someone who has had cancer has.  While it's true that we are all "terminal" from the first day of our lives, nothing brings that to light more than getting a diagnosis of cancer.  I never think when I get in my car to drive somewhere that I will not return, but every day, at least in the far corners of my mind, I realize that I may have only dodged the cancer bullet for a period of time, which is unknown at this point.

You are a woman of courage, strength and unwavering faith--I greatly admire that! 

LaCh
Posts: 512
Joined: Dec 2012

As many people as there are in the world there that many responses to a situation shared in common. We're a diverse species if nothing else. I don't feel like I dodged a bullet and never thought that I was going to die.  I neither fear death nor invite it, hope it isn't around the corner but feel ready for it if it's ready for me.  I don't think about the cancer and am having biopsies when the time is right to satisfy my gastroenterologist, not to satisfy myself because I assume that the cancer is cured. Popular ideas, popular attidudes?  No, probably not, but as usual, I'm the rare duck.  In some ways, it leave some ways it leaves me with no one to talk to because my experience of the situation is different from most other people's. 

eihtak
Posts: 826
Joined: Oct 2011

How dreadfully boring would this life be if we were all the same and all went along with the most popular ideas! We love you and welcome your rare duckiness!

LaCh
Posts: 512
Joined: Dec 2012

thanks... you make me laugh.

Marynb
Posts: 1134
Joined: Aug 2012

God bless you and keep you well. I know how you feel. I believe the same thing. It doesn't feel good when I lose faith,even for a day. I don't know what I would do, or how I would cope, if I didn't believe that God was by my side. It is on days when I forget this, that I feel so alone. You are blessed with having grandchildren, although I do know how hard it is to raise children alone. You are very brave and strong!

NYinTX's picture
NYinTX
Posts: 64
Joined: Feb 2013

You may well be perfectly rational and justified in your fear if you are raising your grandchildren alone.......I would also be trying to figure out how to provide for my grandchildren if something should happen to me......that is indeed a formidable issue but there must be a solution. How old are they? Do you have any extended family? I am grateful that I only have a 27 yr old son, and although he is still confused, he is on his own and I need not worry.....would it help if you sought some professional help with figuring out possible future scenarios for your grandchildren?

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