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Depression

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

My mom has been in the hospital for the past 3 weeks. She was admitted with a blood infection and her blood pressure dropped very low. She was in ICU for a few days then back on the cancer floor. A few days after she was back in the Icu. The antibiotics she was on caused some problems with breathing and kidneys. She is now doing much better but tonight I noticed she is very depressed. She talks about how she is never going to get better. I feel so bad.  Has anyone here had those days?  What can I say or do to make her feel better?

emily 

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2418
Joined: May 2010

Emily,

  I feel every person on here has gone thru some degree of depression at one time or another going thru this crap. I posted earlier on the hiccup thread about being up all hours of the night because of mostly the Pred, but there was other things going on in my head as well. I just kept them to myself. Others on here may talk about it. I am more of a quiet person in that respect. It seems to be worse when we are sitting up late at night doing whatever we do and are alone. All kinds of stuff goes thru the mind. How far it goes depends on what is going on at the time. Your mother has been going thru a lot recently and I am sure all kinds of thoughts she never tells you go thru her mind. She starts to get better then there is a set back and on and on. It will play with your mind and I feel it is a normal thing. If she didn't have thoughts of what ifs I would say that was not normal.  By the time she said to you that she was not going to get she had already been thinking about it for quite a while beforehand.John

anliperez915's picture
anliperez915
Posts: 741
Joined: Sep 2011

Hi Emily,

I'm really sorry for everything that your mom is going through, it must be really hard on her. Also I agree with everything that John said, we all have had those types of thoughts and I'm sure most of us have had depression. I did have depression in the beginning of my diagnosis, I had to see a therapist because I couldn't stop crying. Just letting us talk about the fear of dying and saying its ok to talk about it really helps. Its hard to always stay positive and upbeat when you're having so many setbacks. Just let your mom know that you love her. And if she wants to talk about the fears that she's feeling let her and listen. Maybe if you let the dr know about her depression they can give her some type of medicine to help her. Take care if yourself as well, sometimes it can be harder on our family members than on us. (((Hugs)))

Sincerely,

Liz

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1973
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Emily.  I agree with what John and Liz has posted.  Depression comes with this in many forms and it can be overwhelming at times.  I think as long as it is not extremely prolonged and debilitating it falls within "normal" and we have to process  and work through it.  From what you have said in the past, your mom is accustomed to being healthy, active and free.  Much of that has been taken away from her (temporarily) during this ordeal.  I know from my own hospitalizations (ICU in the beginning, surgery, and treatments), I felt very confined.

Especially while I was in ICU, before the surgery to stop the bleeding, I was a mess.  I felt very much like an infant having to depend on staff to take care of my every need.  I can't tell you how many bed pans I went through in a day and how embarassing it was to not have control over it.  I think all that was keeping me alive at the time were IV's and blood infusions.  I remember being overjoyed when I was able to finally give myself a shower, eat a real meal and get out and walk around  and then to finally come home.  I can't say enough good about those folks in ICU - they took good care of me and never made me feel like a burden though I know I was.

Sorry for the short story, it just came out of me :).  Now for some possible ideas.  All of these are within the realm of what she is able to do, will not worsen her condition or cause injury.

1. Let her do as much as she can for herself or others.  2.  If possible, get her out of the room and into some new surroundings even if she's in a wheelchair - outside with some sun would be nice if possible.  3. Share funny stores or memories - we know how healing laughter is.  4. Tell her you're really looking forward to her cooking one of her signature meals/dishes - maybe get her to share the recipe and how to prepare?  5. If there are grand or great grandchildren, visits from them are always nice.  6.  Anything that makes her feel a little more in control.  7. Bring anythng from home that is permissible that would make surroundings feel a little more like home?  

Not that I'm suggesting this but during my treatments, I often got out and walked around with my buddy "IVan Pole" ;).  I'd see patients much worse off than me.  Sometimes I'd stop and chat briefly and share stories about our situtations.  I distinctly remember a young hispanic woman, mostly bald standing with her metallic buddy at the nurses station asking "Where do you get this energy?". I smiled and winked and said "prednisone and I don't want the shots in the hip to prevent blood clots." and she laughed and smiled knowingly.  I felt very lucky that I was able to get out and about and it made the "depression monster" leave me alone for awhile. - that and several episodes of "I Love Lucy" at 5:00am ;).

These are just some maybe not so helpful thoughts.  I hope she feels better soon, Emily. and you're a great daughter :).

Hugs - Jim

 

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

John, Liz and jhim 

Thank you so much for all your comments.  I know it's very normal. It is just so difficult to watch her cry and not know if she will get well. It doesn't help with the constant doctors coming in giving us news on all these drug resistant infections she has gotten. The worse part is that she got them n the hospital   

jim I agree the ICU has been amazing!! They have taken great care of my mom. I wish she could get around.  That is part of the problem.  I wish you were here to pop your head in and make her laugh. You have such a great outlook. Last night I told her labour all of you and how wonderful you were now doing. 

Her doctor took her off the antidepressant because it could have caused problems with her sodium. I think when she gets home she will feel much better. Just wish her immune system would fight her infections. Has anyone had to deal with blood infections?

Today she looks better. I do talk about making some of the things she loves.  She is an amazing cook and baker. I told her when we get home we are dedicating a day to baking. I told her she owes me since she didn't bake for the holidays. Lol 

Again thank you john Liz and Jim. I appreciate your help. You truly are all Angels. I feel blessed to know you all. 

Love. Emil

onlytoday's picture
onlytoday
Posts: 583
Joined: Jun 2010

Emily,

So sorry to hear about the infections and hospitalization of your Mom!  I agree with everyone that depression can be perfectly normal under the circumstances.  Watching and seeing how she is doing with it it the best way to go as well as mentioning it to her doctor.  How long ago did they take her off the antidepressant?   Seems like she is having a rough road right now and I'm sure it can feel so overwhelming.

Glad to hear that she seemed a bit lighter yesterday.  Baking will be good!  :)

This stuff is SO HARD and then to have infections - well it's just a mess.  Praying that things improve quickly and you can get her home!

Love,

Donna

 

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi Donna,

Nice to hear from you.  As you know she is on Bend/Rixt.  I thought it was going to be a little easier.  But chemo is chemo right?  Because of her age, infections set in very quickly.  They are waiting a few weeks longer before her next dose.  They don't want the chemo to kill her.  I guess I would have to agree this time.  We need to build her up.  It was nice to hear that there was some type of remission going on.  I hope they are telling us the truth.  They don't want to give her an antidepressant right now.  It screws up her body chemistry.  Sodium goes crazy, Calicum goes up.  Very difficult to manage with all the medications she is on.  If she could just come home this week.  That should help. 

 

Hope you are doing well.  Thank you for your kind words.  They mean alot.  Love, Emily

NANCYL1
Posts: 225
Joined: Jun 2012

Emily:

I am so sorry to hear about your mom.    I think it would be very difficult to not be depressed in her situation.  I am trying to figure out how to be helpful here.   I have had problems with moderate depression.   I take Lexapro (there is a generic) and off and on Atavin (there is a generic).  I wish your mom were up and about because exercise is good for depression.  Are there not bed exercises??  I believe so.  Maybe some stretching would be good.  Some people use a certain kind of sunlamp for depression.   Let her talk and get things out.  Not good to hold things inside.     Also, just getting stuff off her chest, possibly with a professional.  

I hope you are holding up ok, Emily and I hope things improve for your mom.

Nancy

 

 

 

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Yes. I fact she started some bed exercises for her legs. She is very strong. And as of yesterday she is up in the chair. We are hopin g she will come home this week. I know that will help. My only concern is that her condition changes so rapidly. I am exhausted!! I spend all of my time here when I'm not working. I need to start taking better care of myself. This has been a difficult last few months. Lets hope it starts getting better. Thank you for your concern.  Love Emily

NANCYL1
Posts: 225
Joined: Jun 2012

Hi again Emily:

Things sound a bit better than in your first note.   Leg exercise, that is good; it is so important.  She's in a chair.  Good signs.  Hope she can go home this week.  Not much that is uplifting about a hospital atmosphere.

There is nothing more exhausting than visiting in a hospital, coupled with terrible worry.   And you are working!  You must be exhausted.  Hope you have some help with visiting so you can get some rest.

Nancy

 

 

 

 

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi Nancy. 

My sister comes in the morning and helps her with breakfast. My dad comes in the afternoon and I come for dinner. We make sure someone is always here. If things are bad I will sleep here.  She is a wonderful mother and an amazing grandmother. She would have never left me.  I have made her my number one priority.  Hope all is well with you Nancy. Love Emily 

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allmost60
Posts: 3149
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Emily,

 I have to tell you that you are a very special daughter. It sounds like your mom has done an excellent job raising her children. I'm so sorry she keeps getting these darn infections while in the hospital. Hospitals are the worst for catching something...seems odd to say because it's the place we expect to get us well and healthy! Please keep us informed, and I'll be saying prayers that your dear mom gets better and comes home. Best wishes my dear....Love, Sue

(FNHL-2-3A-6/10-age62)

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi Sue,

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I have the best mom.  She has always been there for me.  When I had my chidlren, I need to work.  She watched them everyday! Becasue of her, they are truly amazing kids.  I am so blessed.  They are smart and hard working!  I feel like i owe it all to my mom.  All the coultless hours of doing homework with them and all the driving them around after school.  I was very lucky to have her.   I will keep you informed on how she is doing.  Although she has these terrible setbacks.  I must say, she is strong. It's not easy going through this at age 82.  Hope you are doing well Sue.  I'm so happy you had your last Rituxan!!!  Love, Emily

 

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 476
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi Sweetie,

     You know how I feel.  You really need to try to take care of yourself and get some rest.  I totally agree with Sue, she may have hit on something, hospitals, sad to say, are the worst places to try to heal.  I don't know what can be done about that.  It's like you may have your hands tied.  Wish I had the answers for that.  Another thought for her temporary well being is, does she have a pet?  Even if you have to sneak it in, do it!  Love you, Becky 

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi Becky. 

It has been another crazy month.  One step forward 3 steps back!  Very very fusrating.  She seems to contract these drug resisant infections.  Although her blood cultures are negative, she has an infection in her urine.  And everytime she is in the hospital, it sets her back.   And yes i do agree.  It is time to start taking care of myself.  I'm heading to the gym tonight before the hospital.  And last Friday, my husband and I attended a fundrasier dinner dance that we always attend once a year.  So, I am trying. As far as a pet.  Her dog died a few years back.  She does love my dog.  When she is home, i bring him over all the time.  It's almost time for chemo again.  Not sure they will give it to her on time.  We will have to see. I also spoke to her about everyone here.  I told her how you and Bill were enjoying yourself in Mexico.  And how sick Bill was at one time.  I wanted her to know that this cancer can go into remission. 

Hope you and Bill are having a great time.  Miss you, love you, Emily

 

 

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 476
Joined: Aug 2012

It's good that you share with your mom about all of us.  She needs to know that she has tons more rooting for her.  Wish we could do something more.  I am glad you are getting a little diversion and that are better days ahead.  We went whale watching today and hit the jackpot! Babies, Moms, and dads playing.  Lots of tails and fins.  Will send pics soon.  Take care as always, Becky

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Becky that is amazing.  Love whales! Very cool.  Please send pictures.  Sounds like you are having a great time! 

My mom is becoming difficult with her eating.  Could be the extended hospital stay.  She has had enough.  Her oncologist came in today.  She is coming home as soon as we have the aid at our house gain.  should be in the next 24 to 48 hours.  Also,  they have to wait a little more before her next treatment.  A week or two.  She is still weak and they don't want it to kill her.

They also said for the first time, that her cancer is in gross remission. Do you know what this means?  Enjoy! Have a margarita for me.  God knows I need 1 (or 2)..LOL

Love, Emily

 

 

 

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 476
Joined: Aug 2012

     I really think that once your mom gets home she is going to do better.  I have a feeling it is not the cancer but all the other things and if she can just steer clear of the hospital and start getting comfortable with her circumstances at home, she will do so much better.  It will make everyone more relaxed and feel more normal.  But, what do I know?  I'm not a doctor and I don't know everything that is going on, it's just my thoughts.   About "gross", please someone else correct me if I am wrong, but Bill had that same thing in his doctor's notes, it was pertaining to something else not as important and we got a big laugh out of it, and after checking it out, it actually meant to the extreme in a good way.  So I am thinking that is good news.  Please don't get your hopes up, you need to ask, but it may be good news.  Boy do I hope so.  Your post sounds more hopeful than it has in awhile.    We own our condo here in Cabo San Lucas (I know, play the violins), so there is tons to do ie pruning trees, cleaning, dealing with other homeowners blah blah blah and I am not computer savvy so when Bill and I get a minute to figure this out I will post some pics and y'all will see what 43 yrs. of wedded bliss has doneWink  One thing though, when you see something like those beautiful whales how can anyone say there isn't a grand creator?  Give your mom a big kiss from me.

Love you,  Becky

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi Becky,

Very nice!!!! A condo is a great way to go.  That way you can stay as long as you like.  My husband and I purchased a time share three years ago in Aruba.  But it's only a 1 week.  We go every week 31.  It's a 2 bedroom sleeps 6.  We go with our children (all together 4)  We have a great time.  We booked our flights for this year, but not sure I will actually get to go with the circumstances. The onclogist seemed very pleased with the "gross remission".  He said it was a first since she started treatment.  However, I'm not getting excited.  This has been the worst rollercoaster ride I have ever been on.  I agree with getting her home.  She will be so much better there.  I just wish she could stay infection free.  That is the problem with her age.  Very difficult.  One day at a time.  What will be will be. 

Can't wait for you to post pictures!  Thanks for keeping in touch.  Love, Emily

 

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 476
Joined: Aug 2012

When Bill had his chemo, his blood count was so low that his doctor was also afraid it would kill him, so she ordered a half dose and thereafter 3/4 dose.  Later on in his treatment when his blood counts were normal and he was doing so well we asked why he didn't up it to the full dose (new doc BTW), he said why rock the boat.  So in other words, the dosage is not rocket science and it is a guessing game.  I am wondering if they could lower your mom's dosage in order to give it to her in a more timely fashion, just a thought.  I sure hope you all make it to Aruba and that you will be emailing your mom of your fun time.  Love, Becky

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Becky,

I'm going to suggest it to the doctors.  However, as of last night her blood pressure was dropping and she might have her infection back.  She  also has a loss of appetitie.  We just van't get out of this rut we are in. I'm very fustrated today. Love, Emily

anliperez915's picture
anliperez915
Posts: 741
Joined: Sep 2011

So sorry Emily, this has been extremely tough on your mom and all of your family. Please hang in there sweetie...I will be praying for your mom, please keep us updated. Take care (((Hugs))))

Sincerely,

Liz

 

lianadw's picture
lianadw
Posts: 72
Joined: Jan 2013

HI Emily,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom. I'm sorry your having to go through such a difficult time with all this. I hope the rut ends soon, the infections get cured, and your mom can get back on track with kicking the cancer. And that you can get some rest. Sounds like your going 24/7caring for her. Such an awesome daughter!

hugs and love,

Liana

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

How are your treatments going.  Sounds like you are a real trooper!  I know you will get through this with flying colors.  I'm very proud of you. I see how difficult it is and yet you never seem to complain.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Love, Emily

lianadw's picture
lianadw
Posts: 72
Joined: Jan 2013

Treatments are going ok. I'm on my third day of inpatient R-ICE. Should go home tomorrow if my numbers are up. Pet scan scheduled for the 20th, and if there's enough improvement, I start the mobilization process for the Bone Marrow/Stem Cell transplant. The actual transplant is tentatively scheduled for May 20th. It's such a long process! But I'll get through it, and get well.

Today is my daughter's 8th birthday. We had a small family celebration last weekend, which made her very happy. They came to see me today so I got to give her birthday hugs.

Life is just such a mix of joy and at times suffering. Got to focus on these moments of joy to get through the suffering.

love, liana

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1973
Joined: Aug 2011

Happy birthday hugs to your daughter and big hugs to you!  Hang in there.  This is such a roller coaster ride on so many levels.  It really helped me to focus on just getting through each step/treatment and have little celebrations along the way.  Before I knew it, the treatments were finished - then I had to renew my driver's license bald and all - they wouldn't allow me to wear a hat so here I am today, carrying my drivers license with the picture of the "alien" with pride :).  I recently got pulled over by a state trooper for having a "heavy foot".  He kept looking at the license picture and me.  I explained it was taken shortly after chemo and he reduced my ticket :).  So, my "alien pic" did have an advantage - lol.

Smile and laugh when you can but it's okay to cry and let it out too - believe me, I did my share of that.

Big hairy hugs (yep it grew back),

Jim

lianadw's picture
lianadw
Posts: 72
Joined: Jan 2013

Hi Jim,

If I have to renew my driver's license I'll be wearing a wig. It's a medical hair prosthesis so they won't be able to make me take it off for the photo. Love the story of getting a reduced ticket that way.

I will continue to smile and laugh, and yes I have those moments of crying and self pity too.

Hugs back at you, all though mine aren't hairy.

Liana

 

 

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 476
Joined: Aug 2012

I'll be thinking about you and your mom today and hoping for the best, hang in there.  Love Becky

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Liz, Liana, and Becky.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.  I was at the hospital late last night.  She has a burning pain in her *&%..lol  Not sure if it's a hemroid or some kind of tare.  She was very unconfortable.  Her blood pressure is still low and her lungs have fluid.  Staying in bed does not help.  My sister is getting very discouraged.  She is the one in the family who is very optimistic.  We are trying very hard to get her to drink and eat.  We can't do much more.

Pray things get a little better.

 

 

 

 

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1973
Joined: Aug 2011

I hope things get better soon for your Mom and the roller coaster will level out.  I'm thinking of you guys. 

Hugs and positivie thoughts,

Jim

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3149
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Emily,

 Keeping your mom in my nightly prayers...my list is growing by leaps and bounds lately, but that's ok....just need to start my prayers before my night time meds kick in Surprised! I hope you are getting some rest through all of this. Take care...

Love...Sue  (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 476
Joined: Aug 2012

.......as always.  Love,Becky

laurs
Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2013

Has she cried?  Crying allows frustration out also.  It's not quite depression, it's kind of frustration also.  You might take her some family photographs, make videos of the children etc....  It is frustrating.  It kind of gets your spirits down, kind of oppressive feeling also.  When will I feel better, when will the pain stop, is there something wrong with me where I deserve this?  etc....  Maybe even develop some mental imaging with her of good safe places, good memories, places she wants to go or dreamed of going to ..or has been.  It's part of coping with the frustration.  Talk to her about her frustration.  Possibly get a different hospital or clinics opinion, new advances all the time. 

Lucky_Horseshoe's picture
Lucky_Horseshoe
Posts: 15
Joined: Jan 2013

Dear Emily:

I too went through a lot of hospitalizations when my Graft Versus Host Disease raised its ugly head not to mention getting sick in the hospital.  I became very depressed and anxious. I became so sick that I wanted to give up the fight.  I laid in that stupid hospital room feeling mighty sorry for myself.  My family and friends kept coming in and not giving up on me.  It cheered me up tremendously.  You are doing what your mother needs.  Let her cry it out too.  It helped me.  After I got out the last time, they had to put me on anti-anxiety pills.  I just couldn't kick it all of the way.  I was hospitalitzed the year before because of my reaction to the RICE treatments.  As everyone has been saying, pictures and/or videos of family members would be great.  Or just a quiet visit with her daughter talking it out if she is willing.   My Mom was my sounding board.  Sometimes I made her sad to listen to me; but, she hung in there.  I'm 50 and she is 72.  She and my husband were and still are my godsend. 

I also had a visit from my next door neighbor who is a pastor.  He brought me frozen yogurts (I couldn't eat much) and helped me through some serious questions about faith that I needed.

I hope your Mother gets better soon and keeps on fighting.  I am rooting for your whole family.  She can kick this and Cancer's butt. 

Sincerely,

Traci

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Traci 

thank you for sharing your story. My sister and I spend all of our time here with her at the hospital. My dad also is here. We try to give her all the love and support we can. Last night was a very tough night. Her blood pressure was very low. She didn't want to come up to ICU. After seeing her grand kids she changed her mind. My mom is 82 and the treatments are taking its toll on her heart. She also has infection that is difficult to treat. The canger is under control for now.  We are taking it one day at a time. Thank you for your prayers. Much love to you and your family. Love Emily

 

 

 

 

 

tall floridian's picture
tall floridian
Posts: 86
Joined: Dec 2011

Emily: It's so sad that depression hits us all at one time or another in our fight. One thing that helped me so much in my many stays in the hospital and medical rehab was the pictures of my 2 year old grandaughter spread out on the bulletin board near my bed. When I felt depressed I would look at those pictures and a joy would replace the depression and I would smile and pray to God that I would be able to see my grandaughter grow up. I'm 71 now and still cancer free and driving for the first time in a year and a half and even shopping by myself and taking 1 mile walks.

Also, my wife would bring in photo album's and we would go from page to page reliving the fun times in our lives and praying together for my healing. The rehab had animal visits and that helped alot with my depression too. My wife went through soo much in the year and a half of my struggle - teaching school all day then spending quality time with me. Her life was put on hold-having to try to cheer me up day after day and keeping my spirits high.

My prayers are for you and your mom- that the depression will leave and a hope instilled in your mom that this monster can and will be defeated and that the doctors will help your mom recover and move forward to complete remission. God bless you both- Hugs to mom and you- Steve

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Thank you everyone. We are having a difficult time. We are back in ICU. things are not good. She has an infection which is resisant to antibiotics.  Not sure what the outcome will be.  Love Emily

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 476
Joined: Aug 2012

I so wish I could be encouraging.  I will keep you in my prayers, you and your dear mother are special.  Love, Becky

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

I know Becky.  It has been a very emotional weekend.  My sister and I are exhausted.  It's in god's hands.  Thank you for being there.  You and Bill are so special along with everyone on this website.  I love you all.  Love, Emily

anliperez915's picture
anliperez915
Posts: 741
Joined: Sep 2011

We love you too Emily, I also wish I could do or say something to help you through this. Thinking and Praying for your mom, you and your whole family...take care

Sincerely,

Liz

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

You have all been wonderful. Thank you for all your support during this difficult time. I hope you are feeling well. Love Emily 

 

lianadw's picture
lianadw
Posts: 72
Joined: Jan 2013

Hi Emily,

I am thinking of you and your mom, and praying for her recovering from the infection that is plagueing her. It sounds like you have such a loving and supportive family. So hard to see someone you love so much who has always been so strong, suffer this way. I'll keep sending good thoughts.

hugs,

Liana

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Than you  Liana for your prayers.  How are you doing? How are you handling the chemo.  You are a strong lady.  It is a difficult time for me and my family.  We are tring our best to be strong.  We are a close family.  I hope that will give us the strength we need.  Your prayers and thoughts are always so appreciated.  Love, Emily

Machir
Posts: 32
Joined: Mar 2013

Hi Emily,

I've read your message stream and all I can say is 'I know you have found ways to make your mom feel better along with your entire family'.  How do I know that?  Because you radiate love.  You have helped me just reading your replies.  I know you have helped your mom....no doubt about it.  You taking the time to reply back to all these post means a lot to many people.  It sucks what your family is going through and all you can do is not give in to allowing it to take one ounce more from you than it has to.  There's a bit of irony to reading your message stream because I've never been to this site before today but with a scan coming up at the end of this week for my relapsed follicular NHL I was feeling very nervous this morning. (n.e.v.e.r.o.u.s --- hmmmm....is that how you spell scared?)  Is it depression.  As I've read in many other post in this string there has to be some of that in dealing with this.  You take it a day at a time.  Sometimes you get knocked in the head.  Many other times you marvel at how well you are coping or about how amazing someone in your life has been in helping you deal with it.  You are amazing.  Thanks for that.  Prayers to your mom and family.  God bless.  Mac

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Thank you so much for your message.  Today is a very difficult day.  Last night her breathing got worse and this morning they put in a breathing tube.  Her infection is taking over.  I'm am very upset and haivng a hard time coping.  Your email brought tears to my eyes.  I'm sorry to hear about your relapse.  I'm sure everything will be okay.  This website gave me hope.  So many people on here did so well with treatment.  Even with a replapse they seem to go back into remission.  My mom's probelm in the end was not the cancer.  Her heart and Kidneys had a hard time with the chemo.  Also, her stays in the hospital with a lowered immune system is what gave her this infection.  Who would think that in 2013 they would not have anitibiotics to treat every infection.  She is 82 years old and has never been sick.  I guess you can say she was lucky.  She had a wondeful life.  Raised my sister and I.  Enjoyed 5 grandchildren.  Who she had an amazing relationship with and is married to my dad 50 years this June (who stays married that long anymore)  I was her first born.  She always took extra good care of me.  I will keep her in my heart always.  She is my best friend and I confide in her about everything.  Please don't be nervous.  I know you will be okay.  Just go for your treatments and be strong.  I will pray for you and your family.  Love, Emily

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1973
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Emily.  I'm so sorry your mom is not doing well right now.  I'm keeping you and many others in my thoughts.  I know this is hard and I agree with what Mac wrote :).  Miracles still happen and I'm keeping the faith. 

Hugs - Jim

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Thank you.  I'm so tired and worn.  Either way, I just want her to rest.  Maybe it's time.

Chris17's picture
Chris17
Posts: 107
Joined: Oct 2010

I read the above postings and im so sorry to know your mom isnt doing too good, will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, i am going to leave you a private message when im done with my email, you can keep in contact with me if you like, again prayers to you and your family.

 

                                                         Chris

NANCYL1
Posts: 225
Joined: Jun 2012

Emily:

I am so sorry that your mom has had such a very difficult time, and that you are so exhausted.   I do not know what to say except that I hope there will be a turnaround for your mother.    Such a nightmare to go through the chemo and then have to deal with staph.  (or is there something new, I wonder).

You are in my thoughts.

Nancy

lianadw's picture
lianadw
Posts: 72
Joined: Jan 2013

So sorry for all that you, your mom, and your family are going through right now. Your mom sounds incredible, loving and wise. And her reflection is certainly in you, as you have all these qualities too.

love, Liana

Machir
Posts: 32
Joined: Mar 2013

Emily with this being my first day on this site I don't know all the etiquette so I hope this post isn't off acceptable topic bounds.  I have first hand experience when my dad died of lung cancer 27 years ago.  He lived months longer than they thought he would trying to hang on until the birth of my wife and my first baby.  I'm not going to go into details but the thing I want to share is that at some point it is time.  If you know in your heart it's time it is OK to say so. Your mom will likely know.  My dad held on longer than I'm guessing he wanted to and waited for us to share that we were OK with it being time for him.  It's hard.  I'm so sorry if that is the case for you and yours.  I feel like I'm on thin ice even broaching the subject but the reality is the day will come for all of us.  You have been courageous.  As has your mom and your family.  I hope it's not time but if it is don't beat yourself up for recognizing it.  Prayers and love to all of you.

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