CSN Login
Members Online: 4

Funny Bonz III

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

The agony of aging

 

On the morning Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit an aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish
I said to him, "No! - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRY-SOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of women are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary....

It means 75% are running around untreated!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously calls out,

"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.

 

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


 

 

 

 

 

Hello...her husband speaks English

What were you Thinking?

(I worry about you guys sometimes)

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

   In  Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. 
  
   The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!" 
 

   The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, 
"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. 
  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..." 
  
   The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."   
   The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."   
   The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, 
April 1st is his day. 
  
Court is adjourned..."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!     

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Gads Gary - this one must be way off the charts in political correctness. All I see is a red X! Considering your sausage joke came in fine, can't imagine what's behind this box. Wink

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

                        TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

 

The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  They proudly distribute free meals and food stamps to over 46 million people on an annual basis.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior asks "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS."  Their stated reason for this policy being that...

"The animals will grow dependent on the handouts and they will never learn to take care of themselves."

                        This concludes today's lesson

                        Any questions?                      

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Gary, I think you're very lucky if there are no people in your part of the world who will never be able to look after themselves adequately - I'm afraid we're not in that position in the UK.  Maybe 15% of your population is a bit high though?

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013

Gary, it is a good thing that those of US who have had to rely on those programs can't afford computers or internet access so WE wouldn't be offended. 

 

Of course some of US have gone on to get PhDs and teach other people's children.

PAX

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Its a joke, nothing more...I don't know anyone, myself included, that has a quarrel with helping those in need...I just thought this was cute, but I'm a bit twisted as you know

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013

No blood no foul! Cool Peace!

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

I know you to be a man of unlimited compassion Gary.  I just fear there are those who don't and some of them might find the amusing irony lost on them and only the worst in them brought out.   Sorry if I came over as a bit too intense and I enjoyed the response of the dawg with the shades!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Those of us who know and love Gary recognize  his funnies exlude no one, just like Leno and Letterman. We've all been the target of Gary's jokes/humor; he even takes aim at himself. Maybe this one didn't tickle everyone's sense of humor, but--stick around--the next one just might.  We all just need to remember NOT to wear our thin skin in here!

 

 

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Past ones no longer dogging you then Alice?Wink

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Loved this one Gary.  This is what I'm talking about - therapeutic stuff. . .

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Careful, Alice, in case John need a skin graft!

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012

I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.  I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

 

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A business was having a Grand Opening celebration at a new site and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."  Puzzled, he called his friend to thank him for the flowers and inquired about the card.

Now angered about the mixup, the friend called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the mistake and how embarassed he was, the florist began laughing and said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but please try to imagine this: there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

 

Gale_50's picture
Gale_50
Posts: 17
Joined: Apr 2013

Hey Gary, my goal today was simply to laugh:). Oh my how you have helped me reach and exceed my goal! (Poor surgery site will be extra tender from laughing). 

THANK YOU!  

roaddr23's picture
roaddr23
Posts: 77
Joined: Jan 2013

One Saturday Morning many, many,many moons ago, my 5yo son and 3yo daughter were thoroughly engrossed in unending array of Saturday morning cartoons...so my hubby and I decided to "drink our coffee" in the bedroom. The coffee was going down excellently and being enjoyed by both of us when suddenly there is loud banging on the bedroom door and from the other side my daughter Meghan starts yelling "Little Piggies, Little Piggies, I'll huff and I'll Puff and I'll blow your door down !!!" It was freakin hysterical...I just crack up laughing whenever I think about it...

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error?  What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

 


Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
 

 

'No,' I replied.

 


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

 

 

 

ID10T

 

 

I used to like Eric, the little s**t.

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

 1.   The wife's back on the warpath again. She was all up for making a sex movie, and then all I did was suggest that we should hold auditions for her part.
 

                                                                         *************

 2.   After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely   enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”
 

                                                                            ************** 
 3.   I woke up this morning at 6, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing, bacon and eggs burning on the stove! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
 

                                                                              ***********   

 4.   My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Interviewer:  What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?

 

Applicant:  Honesty.

 

Interviewer:  Honesty?  I don't think honesty is a weakness.

 

Applicant:  Honestly, I don't give a s**t what you think.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

 

 

 

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.


"No," said her husband.


She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

 

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.


She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

 


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"


"No," he said, now really intrigued.


"Well.....go look in the garage..."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a packed movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned "Leave me alone." but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned "Leave me alone."


The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"


"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."


 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:  'Well, that's great....just great..........some a**hole's got my pen......

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.  After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

 

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

 

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation.

 

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen..."

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

The biker chick

 

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs... A green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

An elderly couple Shannon & Ken were recently attending a church service at their retirement  village. 
    

About halfway through the service, Shannon took a pen and  paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to  Ken.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Ken scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1254
Joined: Jan 2013

OK, here is a good one..!  And it has subtitles for those that can not understand their English....  :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM

Ron

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Some new golf terms to use when you're
out on the course... 

A  'Rock Hudson' -  a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A  'Saddam Hussein' -  from one bunker into another.

A  'Yasser Arafat' -  butt ugly and in the sand.

A  'John Kennedy Jr.' -  didn't quite make it over the water.

A  'Rodney King' -  over-clubbed.

An  'O.J.'-  got away with one.

A  'Princess Grace' -  should have used a driver.

A  'Princess Di' -  shouldn't have used the driver.

A  'Condom' -  safe, but didn't feel right.

A  'Brazilian' -  shaved the hole.

A  'Rush Limbaugh' -  a little to far to the right.

A  'Nancy Pelosi' -  way to the left, possibly out of bounds.

A  'James Joyce' -  a putt that's impossible to read.

A  'Ted Kennedy' -  goes in the water and jumps out.

A  'Pee Wee Herman' -  too much wrist.

A  'Sonny Bono' -  straight into the trees.

A  'Mickey Mantle' – a dead yank.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A Wisconsin farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road ven dis huge Eversveet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, smokin’ gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now yust vot da fug vud you say?'

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and
successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy

Here are the Stella's for this past year -- 2012

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed
and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
Two guys from Sout Da'kota are drinking in a bar.
Ole says, "Didja know dat elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says Sven, "I just joined the VFW!"

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --silence --

HUSBAND: "S**t"

 

 

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Not at all funny, if these law cases are actually true Gary.  Is it possible over there to have legal juries with no qualification re intelligence - say a minimum IQ of 70? Otherwise it looks like an unarguable case for scrapping the jury system in the States.

We've just had a monstrous spectacle here - perhaps it's being reported on over there? A piece of garbage who should have been strangled at birth - a criminal who lived with his wife and his mistress and the 11 children he had with them.  He lived off the women's income, didn't work and complained that the local government wouldn't give him a larger house because of the numbers in the household!

He'd previously served 7 years for attempted murder and he terrorised the two women.  Six of the chilren died in their house in a fire which he started deliberately.  He then played the desperate, sorrowing father who had lost his children so tragically.  The local community felt very sorry for him and raised a substantial sum of money for funerals for the children and he attempted to get his hands on the money, saying it should be given to him.  He's just been sent down for life, with a minimum of 17 years in jail.  One has to wonder how a jury like those you cited above would have decided his case!

When you see what so many decent innocent people around the World suffer, such situations make one despair.   This is not our regular funny stuff, so maybe I shouldn't have posted it here - I guess I just couldn't let it go, so my apologies for souring the upcoming weekend with such a story.

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

T,

I couldn't agree more.

The case for wich the awards are named is true, as to the others...anybodys guess, but possibly so.  Fortunately these would be the exception rather than the rule and though imperfect as it may be the system works pretty well most of the time.  In these cases, wouldn't you think an IQ maximum of 70 would truly provide a jury of their peers?

Had not heard anything on the case over there, but trangled at birth...if only there were a way to tell.  That's more humane that what I might suggest.

Will you be updating your blog with results from today's Dr. visit?  I hope everything remains on a positive track.

Gary

 

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

As it happens, I updated my blog just minutes ago, probably as you were posting the above!

I loved your  "wouldn't you think an IQ maximum of 70 would truly provide a jury of their peers?"

I wonder if you'll hear about the Philpott case in your foreign news bulletins - as you can imagine it's eliciting a lot of emotion here and is going to lead to a government enquiry into how such scenarios can come to pass - not the fire itself but the whole disgusting life-style pattern.

I think I'd better make amends for departing from the happy theme of this thread by offering you this, which will be very much to your taste (but is not for the more proper here - e.g. Alice and Ange  ---- that should guarantee they'll play it!  Wink )

In case you don't recognise the three concerned, they are our Prime Minister, David Cameron, Deputy P.M.  Nick Clegg and leader of the Opposition, Ed Milliband.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwXr_-_vp9E

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

That is my favorite type of humor and they dead panned it superbly, thanks for sharing.

The results from your visit seem most encouraging and put a bigger smile on my face than the link provided, GO "V" GO!!!

Quite the chearleader aren't I...and no, I shall not be showing my pom poms.

You have my permission to celebrate a bit this weekend, you've earned it!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
For all of you out there who have had to deal with an
irate customer, this one is for you.
 
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers.
 
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and
said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be FIRST CLASS."
 
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
 
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so
that the passengers behind him could
hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
 
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
 
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
 
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry
sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
 
 
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to
dance in the rain.

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.


With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

 

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.


"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

 

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1920
Joined: Oct 2011

I thought the answer to 2,4,28, and 44 was "Two quarterbacks, a halfback and full back!"

Djinnie's picture
Djinnie
Posts: 769
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi Gary,

There should be a warning sign on this site for those people at less than 1 week post op. 

Theses jokes had me in stitches, pun intended. Thanks for cheering us up.

 

Djinnie

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

 

Spanish Oysters 

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ... 

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network