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My whole world, my mother

apajak6's picture
apajak6
Posts: 4
Joined: Feb 2013

Earlier this month I lost the one person who was my everything. My name is Ashley and I'm 21 years old and have just lost my mother to cancer. She had previously had breast cancer when I was five years old and was in remission for 15 years. It came back in the other breast and was immediately removed. We thought the battle was finally over. Summer of 2012 I was very excited because I was starting pharmacy school in the fall which was my mom's dream for me to accomplish. I felt so good making her proud. A few weeks before my orientation my mom had me and my dad come outside with her to talk. I immediately knew something I was wrong. She told us she had been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and it had spread to her lymph nodes. I remember standing up and falling to the ground because I could not believe what I was hearing. Never in my life have I seen my dad so vulnerable and my mother so strong. She fought until December when she was considered in remission. We had hopes and plans for the new year including Vegas for my 21st. We had talks about my future graduation and my wedding some day. Then in the end of January everything fell apart. My mom was in so much pain we went to the emergency room. She was immediately sedated and given pain medication. A few days after this the test was given that would tell us she only had a week to live because the cancer had spread to her liver, stomach, abdominal wall, and various other organs. The hardest part was because my mom was so medicated being able to talk to her where I knew she knew it was me. One of her last days, which I will never forget, she was conscious enough to have a quick talk. We talked about how she wouldn't make it to my graduation or wedding, and how we couldn't live without each other. This was the hardest day of my life knowing it would be the last conversation I would ever have with her. She passed at the beginning of the following week. My mom and I had a very special relationship since I was a child. She is my best friend and the reason I am alive. I have hit some of my darkest moments with her by my side and always came back out. There will never be a day that goes by I don't think of her. I would give anything I could to have her back with me. Cancer is a sickening disease and I feel for everyone else on this website. We are going to keep each other strong together. And for anyone living with survivors, cherish them with everything you have because you never know what the next day brings. 

 

I love you Mom always and forever my angel.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1244
Joined: Aug 2010

Lots of hugs for you.

 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1597
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I know those are words we all get really tired of hearing, but I just don't know any others. I'm glad, though, that you know you are not alone. Many of us here have faced loss from cancer. I can tell by your words that you know that your mother loved you and was very proud of you. You will never let go of her, forget her love, or stop wishing she was here. We carry those special people in our lives, in our hearts always. The hurt doesn't go away, but time helps us live with the loss. Take all the time you need to grieve. You will find ways to honor your mother. Hang on to your memories and share them with others.  my husband's final days, he told me he was sorry for putting me through those days. I told him we wouldn't care if he had been a real SOB. Our grief is a reflection of them. I actually had a waitress, just a few days ago, tell me that she thinks about my husband because he was such a good guy. He has been gone for over three years! His bravery and sense of humor as he faced his last days touched  many.  Your mother is a part of you. Nothing, not even death, can change that. Prayers and hugs, Fay

Natalie19
Posts: 9
Joined: Jun 2013

My mother passed away age 39 on the 13th of feb 2013 at 10.48am 

she was diagnosed with cervical cancer only a year early .. It was the hardest year of my life but nothing was harder than now after she passed just over 3months ago . 

 

I am 19 years old I have a brother who just turned 16 on the 3rd of may and my dads not in the picture my parents divorced 9 years awas Memories of my dad are not fond he was cruel to my mother she had a hard life growing up married at 16 had me at 21 . My mother raised my brother and I on her own it was a hard she was my best friend my only friend and I miss her So much I wake up every morning wishing it was a dream I miss her smile her touch her voice she was taken away from me too soon I'm soon to graduate Uni and she won't be there I can't comprehend her death I was a ghost at her funeral Im confused and I miss her so much I'm angry very angry I don't no why I'm angry at god I'm angry at life and everyone around me . I question why and I beg for her back there is not a day that goes by that I don't cry for her nobody understands and that annoys me I left my boyfriend because he dosnt get it I don't no what's wrong with me I feel his comfort isn't enough he tried but I push him away and I'm angry he dosnt try hard enough it's like nobody understands my mothers not with me anymore

 
All I hear is time heads all wounds in time everything will be alright what people don't understand is that time is the only thing I don't have with my mum anymore and I hate the word time , time with my mum has been taken away from me and I hate life I hate everything for it I just want to hold her hand. 
 
I break down everytime I think about her being diagnosed I hate remembering what cancer did to her and the way she changed and  she deteriorated I hate how cancer got her so sick ! And how she was in so much pain ! 
 
The hardest thing I remember was her last few weeks she stopped talking and responding to us .. Her eyes rolled semi back with yellow pupils her breathing got heavy and slow and she just laid there looking at the ceiling from being 39 year old energetic healthy friend to me doing everything together I'm angry I took her for granted I'm angry at myself I'm angry at cancer I'm angry at myself for being a spoilt teenage growing up and not appreciating my mother as much as I should've I am angry at myself for not doing of saying the things I should've . The hardest was knowing she could hear us but not being able to respond you could see it in her face how frustrated she was that she couldn't respond to us before she couldn't move she used to throw her hands up and sigh because she couldn't talk anymore than eventually she just stopped moving and was only breathing it was hard watching the nurses move her around for her comfort with tears steaming down her face because she was in so much pain I am so angry and can't stop crying I don't no why this is happening to me and I hate how nobody understands me I love her I miss her and I wish she never got cancer why did she have to get cancer she never deserved it ! 
 
 
I often wonder where she is I question everything I want to no she's ok and she's happy and cancer free 
Lmarie33
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2013

On July 17th I lost my mother to breast cancer with my 21st birthday just around the corner. When I was in second grade my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. At the time, it was taken care of with radiation and she was soon in the clear. My senior year of highschool my Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. At the time I'm not sure I fully grasped the situation. For years she was fully capable of being the mother that I knew and loved. 

My Mother was amazing. She did EVERYTHING for me. She was my best friend who supported me through anything that came my way in life. By my sophmore year of college I decided I wanted to transfer out of the University I was attending. Many people told me not to but my mother 100% supported me. She always new what was best for me and pushed me to pursue my dreams. Although the move was to NYC (2 hours from where I'm from) we talked every single day. 

This past year i saw a change in my Mom. She was becoming weaker and her every day life was now a fighting battle. When I came home for the 4th of July weekend she could barely walk. I remember having to dress her and thinking how messed up it was that this was hapenning to her.. that her 20 year old daughter had to put on her clothes. Regardless of how tired she was she made it to my uncles party that day. Never once did she complain. 

Back in NYC a few weeks later I got a call from my mom saying she was on her way to the hospital but to not come home because she was fine. I decided to take off work and come home that Friday. That weekend I found out that she had only a few days left because her liver was failing due to the cancer. Each day she became worse. I remember describing the experience to my Dad and brother as being tortured. I felt so incredibly helpless. Regardless of how sad or emotional myself or others were, she continued to say she would be OK and not to worry about her. Not once did she cry or say she was scared. She was so strong and its something I will remember and carry with me forever. 

That Monday, on hospice we brought her to our home where she kept asking us to take her. She passed away that Wednesday morning.

As you obviously feel the same, I wish she could be here with me to see me graduate, get married, have children (she would have been the best grandmother). I miss her terribly and just want to understand why this had to happen to her. For me, there was no bond like the one between me and my mother. Since you have posted, is there any advice you have? anything that has helped you with your grieving process?

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1597
Joined: Aug 2009

I just wanted you to know that I am here. I have read your story and am so sorry that you have lost such a wonderful mother at such a young age. Loss of a loved one is hard at any age. Grief is universal, but each of us must find ouaw own way and our own time. As a mother and grandmother, I can tell you what you already know. Your mother loved you and is a part of you. She will always be a part of you. You might want to try journaling, joining a grief group, or talking with a grief counselor. You will find your way because your mom and dad raised you well. I recently wrote on Facebook after taking my first solo trip in 45 years that I was slowly becoming that strong, independent woman I told my husband I was. It has been four years since I lost him, so you can see that it takes time To move forward even for us old people. Take Care, Fay

javila17
Posts: 4
Joined: Oct 2013

Cancer definitely is a very sickening disease.  My mom passed away on October 8th after battleling with pancreatic cancer for 4 months.  When she got diagnosed my whole world turned upside down.  She was my best friend, my rock, MY EVERYTHING and I still cannot believe she is gone.  Your story is very similar in the sence that I undertand the bond you shared with your mom.  The last conversation I had with mine, I asked her to forgive me because I felt I failed her in not knowing how to help her the best way so her life could be saved.  My mom being the AMAZING human being she was, grabbed my hand and said THANK YOU...and that I had done everything she could possibly have hoped for.  I don't know how I will live my life without her, but I do know that I need to stay strong for my dad and brother.  Both of them are not as strong as she was and I know she would want me to be their main support.  She always said that she and I always took her of them and made them believe they were taking care of us.  Our family is very close and she was the center of our world.  However I do know that she would want us to move on and remember her and treasure all the amazing memories; which I am positive you shared with your mother as well.  Since her death I've felt very alone, but I see here that there are many of us who have or are going thorugh the same pain.  Thanks for sharing your story and when I pray for my mom I'll make sure to keep yours in my thoughts.

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 323
Joined: Apr 2009

As I read all of your stories it totally brings back memories of my Mom and how she died 4 years ago. It was so much the same as you guys...she basically "vanished" in 4 months. And same way as you guys described from a healthy, beatiful lady at age 32 to the point of staring at the wall, occasionally raising her arm as if she was trying to catch clouds without being able to communicate at all. And I had the same anger, and hated the world. I almost got kicked out of school- I was soon to be 12 at the time...count that, now I'm 16. I hated everything and everybody. I am in children's home since then because my dad and my brother died back 6 years ago when we had a car accident when a "nice" alcoholic hit us. Anyway, long story short, everybody was saying time heals and I even hated to hear that. It actually irritated me as it reflected that time goes on and the whole world goes on while my world has collapsed, while my Mom left me. I was not angry at her, but I was very angry at the world. And there's still no day that passes by without me thinking of her. But I have to tell you all, time is going to be come your friend eventually. It helps you, shows you that you're not alone and will teach you that just because you cannot see Mom physically, she'll never leave you alone! I've came to learn that through this 4 years and now I know she is with me, and always will be with me. Although, so often I think how things would be and how my life would be if she was around. I see the other kids at school being all spoiled, latest fashion, iphone (I don't even have a freaking cell phone), perfumed, nice shampoo etc. They talk all the time as "Omg, my parents drive me nuts" and I wish I could tell them "Omg, you have no freaking idea what you are talking about!". They totally act like their parents are annoying and stupid. While I'm thinking, gosh I don't even know how it feels like to have a dinner table with your family. That's something I always fantasize about. LOL I always wonder this perfect life of going home to a nice heated home so you're never cold, and the washing machine is running as the mother is doing laundry. the whole house smells like good food because the mother is preparing food, while the father is sitting at the TV murmuring here and there into the conversation that you're making. LOL I always dream about that. And yet, I'm never going to have that. Last time I had a family dinner at a table was when I was 10. But I was lucky, I had at least Mom after our accident, and she became my best friend, and showed me that we will be always there for each other. And guess what? Cancer knows no mercy, and Mom had to leave. And ever since she has left I'm just a "stray dog" with no one, with nothing, just being shoved into a crowded place because this is how the government can handle the loss of loved ones. Anyway, I don't want to upset myself, or you guys....but I do want to enancuate that TIME will become your friend!!! Trust me!!! And don't forget: YOUR MOM WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU EVER!!!! She'll talk to you, wispher in your ears! Will let you know she is around! My Mom's last sentence was to me "Take care of my heart, I'll leave it with you". And now, I know I am responsible for taking care of her heart! I have to achieve things, never give up, and be nice. Extra nice as I'm taking care of her heart too. I wish you all strength, and believe it or not, PATIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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