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Greiving and Worried

Phil64's picture
Phil64
Posts: 480
Joined: Apr 2012

I'm going to my Aunt's funeral Tue and Wed this week.  My Aunt was 85.  She was diagnosed with inoperable Stage IV crc about six months ago. Her passing this quickly was a bit of a shock to me.  I am also Stage IV crc, diagnosed in May 2012 (about three months before my Aunt).  I'm younger than she was (49 years old) but I am dealing with the same afliction that overcame her.

In addition to greiving my favorite Aunt's passing I have anxiety about going to her funeral given the crc connection to her.

I don't know why I'm nervous. I think I'm simply afraid of the emotions I may experience. Not just my emotions but my family member's emotions as well.

Keep me in your prayers. 

Love to you all,

Phil

ps. picture is me and my Aunt

Brenda Bricco's picture
Brenda Bricco
Posts: 556
Joined: Aug 2011

 

Phil, I was at a funeral of a friends elderly father when I realized I didn't like all the emotions it brought up.

I also find my self feeling aggitated when I see someone getting to be 100 years old when we are begging for my husband to survive his 50's.

I will be thinking of you...

GOD's blessings to you.

Brenda

swordranch's picture
swordranch
Posts: 35
Joined: Feb 2013

I struggle, as well, Brenda, (and then feel guilty about it) when I see peole in their 70' and 80's that have lead totally unhealthy lives but are still going strong, when I have led a healthy, active, busy lifestlye and was still going hard and strong in a really physical profession when I was diagnosed at 55...:(  People tell when I say why, why not me?  And I just want to scream at them saying why not me?  I have a thousand reasons why not me!  And then I get a hold of myself and go on with my life...

Laura

 

jen2012
Posts: 1215
Joined: Aug 2012

I'm sorry about your aunt.   I think your feelings are very normal.  My husband has a relative (by marriage, not blood) that was diagnosed with CRC 3 weeks before him!  Also stage 4 and he also is older - his prognosis is not good and I worry about this too.

Celebrate her long life and remember you are younger and stronger and have a better chance to fight this off.

I think older people tend to not fight...accept that this is how they'll die.  i know you are a fighter - you have that on your side!

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4306
Joined: Jun 2009

You're 49 - she was 85.

You're body is much stronger and in much better condition to fight and extend on than was your aunt's....she was progressively old...she made it a long time...when the roll was called, she got a lot of years, so she was not cheated in that regard. 

Now, going down before 50...that's an argument for being cheated...

She lived out her normal life and got cancer in her old age...you did not....big difference right there...in fact...it's THE difference. 

Put your mental shovel away at the funeral...of course, the service will stir some of that fear and apprehension to the top, no doubt...but you're a young man, Phil...and there is so much life that you can extend...and you've just gotten under way....there's still alot of fight to fight.

Even myself as I head towards 9-years...I've extended out many more years than I should have...I might even walk away from it...though I harbor doubts of course after 3x recurences...understandable. But, I've outlived all of my doctor's and surgeon's prognostications...and currently clearer than ever.  I know what it is like to think about not making it.  That's how Big Billy was born...out of the ashes of that kind of intense fire.

The specter of cancer always resurrects those irrational fears of insecurity...but you're not comparing apples to apples here...your aunt got cc at a time in her life (natural aging), where we expect those types of things to happen to us.....not down in our 40's or earlier...big difference.

And you're nervous, because you're staring into the mirror right now - and you don't particularly like what you are seeing...time to be truthful about that.  Death makes us examine our own mortaility...and we peer into the looking glass, it's always easy to find ourselves mired in self-doubt...and perhaps, even a degree of self-pity.

It's just human nature to feel like that...

So, were I you, I'd just go with the flow of emotions...obviously, your family's emotions will no doubt feed into your fear, on what is already an unstable platform in your mind...the funeral will trigger those intense feelings of insecurity that are so prevalent in you right now (and in all cancer patients).  As the service plays, you will probably find your mind wandering towards the thoughts of when will it be time for me?  

Those are normal thoughts and can be tricky if they last for long, because they paralyze your actions and instill a layer of doubt that will cloud the event. 

You're an emotional guy, so you can't (and shouldn't) bottle these feelings....there might be a private time around all of the planned activities, when you might be able to wander off by yourself and ponder those thoughts and wrestle with them awhile - and then when you're done, you simply re-join the others and move through it.

Death is a reflecting pool that shines the lights back on our life at times like these...use this time to your advantage...make it work for you...instead of against you...I think in time, you will look back and find it was a time where seeds were planted that will result in your personal growth when you find yourself ready to bloom.

My condolences on the passing of your aunt...85 is a lifetime...I'll never see it...don't even know if I would want to...but she got her life, Phil...now, we need to make sure that you get as much of yours as we can.

Wishing you the strength to continue on...and the peace and tranquility that can sometimes accompany that...

-Craig

 

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2271
Joined: Oct 2011

I'm sorry you lost her.  I hope the funeral turns out to be a positive experience for you and your family, a chance to connect and share good memories.  AA

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2963
Joined: Jan 2010

The passing of a loved one, regardless of age or cause, is always difficult to handle.

I have no way of knowing for sure, but I expect that given her age she did not have all the options or possibilities that are still open to you.

Knowing that you shared this disease does make this difficult for you and your family emotionally.  If your mind wants to go to the dark side, pull it back with...passing at 85 from crc gives you 36 more years.

My condolances to you and the family.  I hope that the service for her and your memories of her are about how she lived, not how she died.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

tachilders's picture
tachilders
Posts: 315
Joined: Jun 2012

Don't haMunich advice but you will be in my thoughts. Being younger should really help with this disease. When you look at the stats for mCRC the average age of onset is still around 70 which explains in part the low 5 year survival rate. I have tried to find stats on younger patients but haven't had much luck. It seems that a lot of the people I hear about getting mCRC are in their 30s, 40s, or early 50s. 

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3915
Joined: Nov 2010

dear phil,

face the emotions front on, the tragic losses from this illness may give you the inner strength to prevail.

its good to cry my friend, its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.

celebrate the fact your aunty is at peace, her journey finished, yours however has a long long long way to go.

hugs,

pete

Maxiecat's picture
Maxiecat
Posts: 524
Joined: Jul 2012

I aM so sorry that you have lost your dear aunt.   Just like almost everyone said... You are so young and strong....this is something on your side.   You have thestrength and stamina to fight this?   I will keep you and your family in my prayers...celebrate her life ... I am sure she would not want you to dwell on her passing but want you to use it in your arsenal in this battle.

Alex

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1195
Joined: Apr 2009

Please accept my condolences on the passing of your aunt.

As so many have said, please remember that you and your aunt are two separate individuals with a lifetime of years between you and no two cancers are exactly alike. Try not to let your mind wander to the the "dark place" as you share fond memories of her with family and friends.

Luv,

Wolfen

Phil64's picture
Phil64
Posts: 480
Joined: Apr 2012

Thank you all for the excellent counseling. I will go and face the emotions head on. I will celebrate my Aunt’s long life and share my Love with my family. I believe my Aunt Sonia is with my father (her brother) and sisters now. She is at peace and free from pain.

I will be with my four sisters and brother and I will certainly enjoy spending time with them as well.

Thank you all so much.

God Bless.

Taking a deep breath I am looking out my window and marveling the beauty outside.

 

“Don’t fill your life with days,

           Fill your days with life!!!”

 

 

swordranch's picture
swordranch
Posts: 35
Joined: Feb 2013

So sorry for your loss, keep your head up and remember that everyone's cancer is different even when the diagnosis is the same.

Laura

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