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Please HELP Me!!!

KayeKay's picture
KayeKay
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

Ok so my fiance has never had to deal with  cancer or someone having cancer. I think he thinks I'm being a jerk when i really dont mean to be he just doesnt understand what is going on. I dontnknow if its him still in shock that the cancer is back or if he really doesnt understand. Someone please help, he is my everything and I dont wantbto push jim away. How do i get him to undrrstand??

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2995
Joined: Jan 2010

You need to be a bit more speicific about your situation.  Your profile indicates you had an intial diagnosis and that just recently a recurrance.

Was he in your life the first time diagnosed?  What is it he doesn't understand?  Is he acting as if it is no big deal or that it doesn't exist at all?  Is he ignoring you?  Please tell us just how he is acting and what it is he doesn't seem to understand.

Only with more info can we possibly help.

Marie who loves kitties

tachilders's picture
tachilders
Posts: 315
Joined: Jun 2012

Please provide more specifics, but I will say that it should be all about YOU right now, and not him.  You have a potentially life-threatening disease here, and that has a heck of an impact on a person.  He needs to just be there for you right now and let you sort out this latest recurrence.  If he doesn't want to do that, there isn't much you can do about it, but it tells me a lot about your fiancee (and not much of that is good).  Sorry to be brutally honest...

Tedd

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 1709
Joined: Jan 2013

I bet part of the problem is that you still look pretty healthy on the outside. Maybe even your energetic, and usual self, while inside, Cancer is a raging wolf, taking over unseen by those who love you.

Maybe he needs to read up on your cancer, see online what its doing to you from the inside out.

My two adult boys (in their 20's), do not understand what I'm going through, even when I'm whacked out on the couch unable to move. All they see is their mother, still looking pretty normal, going about my normal routine or laying around the house on those really bad days.

You may need to make him more of a part of your treatment. Can he go with you to appointments? Let him hear what the Doctor has to say, and then maybe he will start to clue in on the unseen damage and be able to help with the emotional trauma that such a devestating diagnoisis can cause. 

 

KayeKay's picture
KayeKay
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

we were not together the first time i was dx but he knew that i had had it previously. he wants to help me he just doesnt understand how to do that. he is always there for me to cry to but he doesnt know exactly how to help other than comfort me. he doesnt understand cancer because it is all new to him and he doesnt understand that it can just take someone. i think hes still in the inital shock of it all. he and i are both sick but he has epilepsy. I just dont know how to explain very well what im going through other than when it comes out in all these crazy emotions. u know one minuye its crying or im angry about it or whatever. he goes to the doc with me but i think its just he doesnt want to face the reality of it yet. like i said he has never known anyone peraonally with cancer. he asks everyone what he can do but i dont think he wants to accept the fact that the only thing he can do is b there for me. its more like he wants to save me and he doesnt realize that all he can do is b there. i think hes just devastated because he realizes that he xould lose me and we r two peas n a pod.

KayeKay's picture
KayeKay
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

i think that maybe its more me not knowing how to explain what im feeling. ive just been soooo completely overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and i worry about him and his seizures sooo much. i think im just paranoid because im sooo overwhelmed by anxiety. it was always me taking care of him and now its gonna b him taking care of my sickness. i dont like that i guess it makes me feel weak. i guess cause i know im always there for him when he gets sick to make him lay down so he wont fall and hit his head and so on. i dont want to b the sick one. we are eachothers lives and i worry so much about him cause hes so worried about me. hes been through so much bad stuff in his life and so have iand this is all just so unfair...it seems like neither of us can ever catch a break.

tachilders's picture
tachilders
Posts: 315
Joined: Jun 2012

I wish I had more words of wisdom for you, but honestly sometimes I feel pretty much the same way.  You can just feel the desperation and uncertainty in your post, and it breaks my heart to see that in someone so young.  All I can say is try to hang in there and make it through this initial shock, and hopefully things will get more sorted out soon.  

Tedd

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3915
Joined: Nov 2010

we have all been overwhelmed and pisssed about how unfair our terminal diagnosis of stage 4 is, most of the wonderful people here live with as much hope and love as i have ever scene, they are a great example and a source of inspiration for me, hopefully for you. just so you know, its possible to beat satge 4, miracles can happen, we have alot of amazing survivors here. I hope your smiling a little more. now i am into all possible therapies, personally my favourite therapy is love, so thats the best thing your partner can focus on. you need each other now more than ever, it can be a chance to grow together. stress is bad, so process your feelings but don't dwell on the negative, dwell on the positive. if you have trouble finding a silver lining, ask us here. we are good a finding a positive perspective.

why today i tried an experimental therapy that did not work at all, it cost alot. but i don't care , i am alive and typing and tomorrow is another day. its a good skill to have with cancer, to look at the world with rose coloured glasses. its helpful for your immune system to stay positive and to feel supported. if you want thats a role we play here quiet well.

hugs,

pete

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2071
Joined: Oct 2009

First let me say that I am so very sorry what you are now facing.  As a former caregiver, sometimes we need to back off but that is so very hard to do.  We want to make everything better and we just can't.  We want to do everything we can to comfort, and sometimes we become annoying.  Maybe if you said something like, what I need now is just for you to sit here and hold me, let me cry without talking, and if I need something, I will let you know.  Also add, if it fits, say thanks for trying to make it better and for being there. 

 

Take care - Tina

John23
Posts: 1832
Joined: Jan 2007

 

The phenomena he is experiencing is called “denial”.

 

As cancer victims, we typically suffer the various emotional stages of dealing with a cancer diagnosis. What is often overlooked, is that our loved ones also suffer emotional stages that are very much like ours.

 

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/supportivecare/bereavement/Patient/allpages#Section_11

 

http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/MainMenu/About-Cancer/Newly-Diagnosed/Emotional-Distress.html

 

There’s a lot written about all of this, and much to understand, but the “denial stage” often confuses everyone, including physicians! If you arrive at an appointment too upbeat, the physician often manages to feel that you’re just in a stage of denial, and may attempt to remind you that you have a terminal illness. I don’t know about anyone else, but if I have to brought back down to Earth, I prefer it’s not with a thud.

 

Sitting down with your loved one and explaining how scared you are of losing life with your loved one, may inspire some deep thought on their part. You should explain also, that you realize just how frightened they are about all the same things. You have to make it known that you want to be able to be sure that they are willing to fight by your side; to give you the support to be able to fight.

 

It’s not easy being diagnosed with cancer; not for any of us or our loved ones. And since individual’s reactions vary so greatly, it’s difficult to find the right remedy. But we should try to keep in mind, that they feel as helpless and frightened as we do.

 

My best wishes for you,

 

John

 

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2322
Joined: Oct 2011

but for me it was more helpful to talk to an objective professional, or other cancer folk, about what I was feeling.  My husband was pretty overwhelmed, and he couldn't always handle my emotions on top of his own.  Coming here to talk to us is a good start, but I wonder if you could talk to a counselor of some sort?  My doctor's office had a social worker attached to it who was very helpful.  She talked me down from the ledge (so to speak) on more than one occasion.  Having cancer is one of the scariest things imaginable, and it's hard for people outside of this experience to really understand.  Hugs~AA

KayeKay's picture
KayeKay
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

thank u all soo much! all of your advice was really helpful. i do feel like im also in denial too or maybe just that it wasnt too long ago that i did this the first time that it isnt that big of a shock. i dunno. i have every emotion imaginable and my fear isnt dying anymore. its how he and my child will do if something happens. thank u all so much again! 

tachilders's picture
tachilders
Posts: 315
Joined: Jun 2012

Didn't know you also have a child.  That makes everything WAAAAAY more difficult.  My wife and I have 6 kids (15 down to 5), and my biggest worry is what will happen to my family when/if I am gone.  I have the hardest time with this because I feel like I am letting them down.  Kids deserve tohave their mom/dad around, and I don't want my kids to grow up w/out a father.  If my kids were grown, I would have a much easier time dealing with this disease...

Tedd

swordranch's picture
swordranch
Posts: 35
Joined: Feb 2013

My take is a little bit different than most of the other comments.  I think that you need to keep yourself surrounded by people that will help you stay positive and lift you up and support you through this time.  And he needs to know this and man up!  But on the other hand you are certainly going to need to vent to someone that you can trust will not turn it around and use it against you, it may not be him, he may be a great person just not capable of being that person.  I found that (for the most part) this needed to be someone outside of my support circle because when I got down and voiced it, it just upset them and brought them down with me, so they were not able to remain positive for me.  SO I just quit telling them a lot of things.  That is the beauty of these chat rooms, everyone understands and no one knows you from Adam other than what you tell them on here....support without the ties...I guess. I also had one dear friend that would just hold my hand and listen with out trying to tell me what I should do or how I should feel.  She is the one I would go to when I really needed her.  Good luck and God Bless!

Laura 

John23
Posts: 1832
Joined: Jan 2007

Laura –

 

Re:

“it just upset them and brought them down with me, so they were not able to remain positive for me.  SO I just quit telling them a lot of things.  That is the beauty of these chat rooms, everyone understands and no one knows you from Adam other than what you tell them on here....support without the ties...”

 

My wife’s BFF (and neighbor) drops in at inopportune times, and if I look like feces warmed over, she’ll look at me with sorrow filled eyes and ask: “Is it the cancer, John?”

 

A forum like this, really is good for support. There’s an understanding among all of us that no-one can fully comprehend, unless they themselves have had a diagnosis of cancer.

 

You have to live it to know it.

 

Be well,

 

John

KayeKay's picture
KayeKay
Posts: 122
Joined: Jan 2013

yes... i hate the comment, " i know what youre going through." when theres no way they could without having cancer.

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