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Should I leave my mother? Please help!

Meri Jessica
Posts: 4
Joined: Feb 2013

Hello everyone!  I'm new to this site but sure am glad I found it.  Maybe you all can shed some light for me.  Here's my story:  I am 31 years old.  I have an amazing boyfriend (finally - been together 4 months and ready to move on).  I am currently living at home with my mother whom has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer (though last reports say it's clear) and she has a large brain tumor and 2 smaller ones.  The doctor's are hopeful - they have not given her a time frame and are confident they can shrink them both.  I have been wanting to move out for some time now - I moved back home almost two years ago when my father left her; then we found out she had this cancer.  I have been praying about it and all of a sudden I find a nice bedroom suit I can afford and an amazing deal on a house to rent 5 miles away.  My mother is ok with this and in fact, believes she will get stronger and more independent knowing I am not there.  She feels that she is becoming too dependent on me.  She is a very stubborn and independent woman!  The problem is that her two sisters and mother are really upset about this and do not think I should leave.  They do not think I understand the situation.  I completely do.  But i feel as if i deserve a life too and if I continue to stay and watch this, I will become more and more depressed.  I plan on getting "Life Line" installed so she really isn't ever alone and I will continue to stop by every day and even have sunday dinners. The rental agreement is also month to month, so I can move out anytime, if needed.  Am I being selfish?  Am I wrong?  I already work an hour and a half away - I leave at 8 and don't get hom until 7. She's already alone that long during the day.  What do you all tbink I should do? And any words I can get over to my aunts?  Please help!

Petie
Posts: 16
Joined: Feb 2013

Sweetie, I would not recommend moving in with anyone until you know him for at least a year; people are like onions - the more time you take to peel back the layers, the more intense it gets. While you may find nothing but lovely clean wonderful layers underneath, think of the many times you've found a slimy nasty layer. Taking time will give you a better perspective on the man, and you sound like you really care for your Mom. I think you would worry quite a bit if you were even only five miles down the road. The man will wait if he's worth  it, your Mom loves you and wants to see you persue a viable relationship, setting up a new household will require ALOT of time. If the relationship is meant to be, another great unit will come up when the time is right.

However, the heart wants what the heart wants.....I don't envy having to make your decision; you'll know you made the right one, tho, when you fell like dancing on a cloud. Best, Petie

Deborah J Cornwall's picture
Deborah J Cornwall
Posts: 32
Joined: Feb 2013

Petie, your wisdom is amazing, and you're kind to share it.

Meri Jessica
Posts: 4
Joined: Feb 2013

I completely understand where you're coming from with the man.  If he's not "up to snuff,"  he will go.  But should I leave my mom?  She truly feels she will be fine and wants me to go.  What should I do? 

 

And thank you so much for your response. 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1627
Joined: Aug 2009

Only you can make this decision. Ask yourself if you are comfortable leaving. Will your mother be glad if you stay, or will she feel guilty that you are putting your life on hold? My husband fought colon cancer for six years. The literature at the time suggested that he had only 22 months with his dx. If we, or family or friends, had put our lives on hold, we would have wasted a lot of time. we don't know the future. We only know the present. I'm guessing that your mom wants you to do whatever is right for you, and she will love and take pride in whatever decision you make.  if you leave, you can always come back. If you stay, you can leave at another time.Your  decision doesn't have to be final. You can always change your mind. I know the decision is a tough one, but you can do it. Take care, Fay

Deborah J Cornwall's picture
Deborah J Cornwall
Posts: 32
Joined: Feb 2013

Meri Jessica, in the end, your mom needs to feel that you'll be OK, regardless of what happens to her, and it sounds as though you've thought this through at least as far  as concerns her care. (I'll leave the boyfriend thing alone!) In some ways, she may feel that your moving out and trying things on your own is a step in your demonstrating that she's done her job well and that you're fine. I hope she pulls through and that whatever you do, you can move forward in a manner that you feel good about. No one has a right to boss you around. You're a grown woman, capable of a sound decision. You're clearly thinking this through as regards your mother, and she knows that if you do move out, you still love and will care for her.

In the end, act your conscience and preserve your flexibility to change directions.

Debbie

Petie
Posts: 16
Joined: Feb 2013

I also think that this is a decision only you can make - I have been meaning to write back to you, but found myself up to the hip-wader tops in 'IT'. It will take time to make the decision, by all means don't allow yourself to be rushed into anything. Often, when you don't know WHAT to do, and there's not life or limb at stake, utilize the time. It will sometimes allow for changes that will influence your decision - in other words, when in doubt, do nothing. Do diologue with your Aunts, but do not allow them to direct your thoughts or emotions. Take what you perceive to be good information, process it, analize it. Don't feel pressed to reply to anything until you have formulated an answer you feel comfortable with. I have found myself processing for days sometimes (even before cancer came into my life again) before returning an answer on a heavy subject. It's ok to do that, and most rational adults react surprisingly favorably to the practice.

Time is one of our most precious commodities, as it flows away so quickly. Time is, as well, often our greatest unsung asset when we allow it to work for us- in the event that we are not pressed for a snap decision.

Best, Petie

Petie
Posts: 16
Joined: Feb 2013

I also think that this is a decision only you can make - I have been meaning to write back to you, but found myself up to the hip-wader tops in 'IT'. It will take time to make the decision, by all means don't allow yourself to be rushed into anything. Often, when you don't know WHAT to do, and there's not life or limb at stake, utilize the time. It will sometimes allow for changes that will influence your decision - in other words, when in doubt, do nothing. Do diologue with your Aunts, but do not allow them to direct your thoughts or emotions. Take what you perceive to be good information, process it, analize it. Don't feel pressed to reply to anything until you have formulated an answer you feel comfortable with. I have found myself processing for days sometimes (even before cancer came into my life again) before returning an answer on a heavy subject. It's ok to do that, and most rational adults react surprisingly favorably to the practice.

Time is one of our most precious commodities, as it flows away so quickly. Time is, as well, often our greatest unsung asset when we allow it to work for us- in the event that we are not pressed for a snap decision.

Best, Petie

Meri Jessica
Posts: 4
Joined: Feb 2013

I just wanted to say "thanks" to all of you. I guess I just needed some reassuring - with everyone throwing their opinions at me, I felt as if it was making me crazy and making me question myself.  Anyway, yes, my mother is my number one concern and I love her dearly.  I think we both need this. Thank you all, again, for your kind words and suggestions/helpful comments!  

 

We're going to get thru this.  One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Tongue Out

spacegeek33
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2013

I'm not so sure about the new boyfriend, but I am struggling with a similar issue. I don't think it's being selfish to want to move out, and that's exactly what my mother would prefer me to do. I'm 33 and had not lived at home since I was 18, until she got sick. She feels guilty that my life has pretty much stopped, so your post actually made me feel a little less of a jerk. Good luck in your decision.

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