Feb 10, 2013 - 4:43 am
Hi, I am tired of being so sad, this is really getting me down. I started with antidepressants a few months ago, and they just increased the dose. Dr's tell me to, "go, live, be free", but I am not able to fly, broken wing(I am still very sore on both sides). It is hard to do the things I used to do. I am having a hard time working, and the job seems to distract me (good), but also creates some pressure (insomnia). I do not know what I should be doing, but I find myself extremely frustrated.
My family is thinking that I am 'better" and "over it', that it is 'behind me". I suppose that I should let them think this. I am still healing inside and cannot do the simple things like cook and cleanup after a meal, it all takes alot longer now. Having a conversation is hard. My vocal chords are still strained, and my chest hurts when I do too much. They do not want to hear it, they do not want to know that I am still in recovery. I am not living my life for them, but get angry when they do not understand my point of view. My relatives have extended conversations, but I am not included. When I reach out, I get a text saying that they "wanted to call but didn't have time". I cannot take this-- part of me wants to call them out and just tell them not to bother. Part of me thinks I should just shut-up and let them think what they like as it makes them feel better.
My PCP says to give myself a break and take it easy. I don't know why, but after all of this, I am unable to relax.
My mother and her boyfriend live next door. She looks out for me, but also makes it hard on me at times. I am 42 yrs old, and she gives me no privacy, just walking in my apt. I spoke up to her about it and she snapped back at me about how 'difficult' I am to get along with. It should be obvious that bc recovery is not easy, but she seems to tell the rest of the family that I am doing 'great'. This is my house, I bought back in 2000. It is a 3 bedroom home, plus an apt. I live in the small apt and it feels like they are taking over my space. I have told her to please respect my privacy, but they always cross boundaries.
When I bought the house, I was engaged and in a different space. I never did get married. Now, I am recovering, and am seeing that I will not have my own children, and do not need such a big house. It is comfortable, the idea of selling it and moving into something smaller is pretty scary, but I know I do not need all of this space. I used to rent it out and make some money, but mom and her friend are here now. They threaten to move out when up I speak up about the house rules, that idea scares me. I am not sure if I can make it all alone. It feels like I am doing that already but having my mother around all the time reminds me that I am not.