Feb 05, 2013 - 12:08 pm
One of my biggest challenges is to sustain the enthusiasm for living live fully and creatively. Before my ovarian cancer diagnosis, I was a dreamer and a planner. Half of my excitement in life was daydreaming about what I was go ing to do in a few days, months, years. After my diagnosis - I noticed that a tiny voice keeps creeping in when I think about joyfully planning things. The voice says "or everything may go "splat" and you'll be back in treatment fighting for your life".
I've been back in treatment once, and yes - my whole life was turned upside down. But for the most part I am enjoying long stretches of remission, yet I can't muster the joyous enthusiasm I once had for planning exciting adventures like I used to.
Naturally, almost everyone I know has not had the experience I have had of facing my mortality for two brief periods. So there isn't anyone to empathically cheer me on in my emotional world. I know a social worker who is very helpful. But regular people in my social network, not so good.
I have free time, and some money to spend on joyous adventures, but it's very hard for me to plan anything. I have an emotional attachment to staying close to home also. It seems that I'm afraid of losing "home" if I have a recurrance, so the idea of going away kind of frightens me. Yet - I want to live my life as fully as possible. Does anyone relate to this? Please share if you do.