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Normal?? Help!!

KayHamm03
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2013

I just lost my dad to stage 4 malignant mesothelioma In June. Now I have awful feelings that I an going to loose my mother. Is this normal?? What can I do? I can't loose her too. 

roaddr23's picture
roaddr23
Posts: 77
Joined: Jan 2013

Hi Kay..I am new to this site myself..so sorry to hear about your Dad. Can I ask you something? Is your Mom ill...I mean healthwise is there a reason this could happen or are you just worried about losing her in general..I don't know if I am the best person to respond to you but I will try. Even though we are grown ups in our hearts our parents were our first caregivers, booboo kissers, cuddlers...the first to teach us how love feels and they are icons...the little child in our grown up body still believes they are invincible, they will just always be there even though logically we know that isn't true. So after just losing your Dad I can totally understand why you would be afraid of losing Mom too. That is why I was asking if there is a medical reason causing your fear. I lost my Dad (he was actually my stepdad for 40+ years and on July 15, 2011 he legally adopted me and my sister. I was 60 and she was 52) on May , 2012 to Pancreatic cancer. He was the healthiest person I knew and we were blindsided by this. Then 7 weeks later on July 1 my Mom did die. She was in poor health anyway but I believe she died of a broken heart. I can't begin to tell you how hard this was for my sister and I. Now I have been diagnosed with kidney cancer. I had it before in 2002 and had my left kidney removed. I am scheduled for surgery on Feb 8 hopefully to remove the 2 tumors if all goes well...but I do think your fear is very normal and the more you get back into a routine again I think you will see it dissapate and you will feel better..I wish there was something I could say that would make it better now but it is all part of the grieving process

 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I guess my first question would be what's normal. However, I think this probably is normal. Each of us must grieve n our own way and this seems to be part of your normal for right now. And yes, I have heard of some people having this same concern. I don't know how old you are, but this may be the first time you really had to acknowledge that we are all mortal and losing someone close to you isn't just a possibility; it's a reality. Take care of yourself. If this becomes a fear that interferes with your ability to move forward, you might want to talk with a counselors or join a grief group. You might want to do that anyway. Grieving is hard work and we often need help. Fay

jeannie4802's picture
jeannie4802
Posts: 3
Joined: Feb 2013

Hi Kay!

When my sister was diagnosed, after about one week of total shock, the same sentence kept running through my head: "I am going to lose my baby sister!" It was a gut reaction to her diagnosis. I started to think about how dramatically our whole family would be changed forever. What will happen to her house? Who will run her business? What if her husband re-marries? Who will I spend holidays with? What if she needs my help at her home? I drove myself crazy!

Soon I came to realize that my thoughts were just a harsh response to uncertainty and fear, being terrified of the unknown, facing a horrible reality, and being shaken up by a huge twist in the road that I never expected...to always have a healthy best-friend sister.

Your loss scares you. Somewhere inside yourself you're so worried...what if...? I really think that's common and normal--but not likely, right?

Here's what I did when the "what ifs" hit. I immediately stopped myself from allowing the thought to complete itself in my brain. I said: "No!" (sometimes silently, sometimes out loud). Then I deliberately re-directed my thinking to postive thoughts, fun memories or upcoming plans. I trained my brain! You can too. When those worrisome thought start taking over, stop instantly and think about an alternative activity, memory or plan. This training method really helped me to become more realistic, become more of a helper, and stop spending the little energy I have left on unnecessary worry.

 

By the way, we are so much stronger than we ever thought. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. You are his legacy.

Hugs,

Jeannie

 

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