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stubbysmom
Posts: 9
Joined: Dec 2012

Your husband sounds like a very strong man but maybe he is a little tired of fighting.  You needed to say strong words (maybe not those exact ones) to help uplift him at that time and let him know he can't give up.  I am sure he knows you love him and want only the best for him. 

HappyDays (not verified)

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grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

I have some experience with long-term caregiving. My husband fought colon cancer for six years before he lost his battle. I am glad your husband is still with us, but I can understand how frustrating it is to want him to take better care of himself. Most of us caregivers have said things we could feel guilty about. The woulda, coulda, shouldas often haunt us. You said what you felt you had to say. Hopefully, it will have results. You did the best you could at the time. I'm betting that he is sick and tired of being sick and tired, too. 

Now lovingly tell him that you are feeling guilty about what you said. Reopen the lines of communication and talk about ways to improve both of your health. Bet there are things you can do, too. Explain, as well, that your words came from the fear of losing him which I'm guessing is your greatest fear. Then let it go. You can't do it for him. My husband's favorite saying the last few years was, "Let it go; just let it go." Often it was, "Just let it go,dear. just let it go." I still hear that in my head sometimes. It is probably the most life changing saying that I try to live by. 

Take care of yourself. Fay

HappyDays (not verified)

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Noellesmom
Posts: 1312
Joined: Aug 2010

You have been on the longest ride I've heard about for a long time, HD.  Sometimes we call this the roller coaster from hell.

I agree with other posts that perhaps your husband is tired of the fight but it is also possible he is clinically depressed.  He's dealt with a lot and continues to do so.  Have any of his doctors suggested he see a therapist or perhaps prescribed some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication?

Nobody said caregiving comes with a manual or guidebook - each experience is so unique there's no way it could.

I, for one, believe you are doing very well.  You are in a rough patch and you recognize it.  Good for you.

And, by the way, what are you doing for you?  Eating well, exercising, sleeping well?  Take a look at yourself and see what you can do to focus on making yourself feel better.  See YOUR doctor just for a wellness check.

Finally, maybe there is a way you and your husband could get a few days alone, away from the stresses of living with cancer - a short trip somewhere, anywhere, away from where you are physically and mentally right now.

Breathe.  You have to remember to inhale AND to exhale.

Hugs.

 

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