Jan 17, 2013 - 8:19 pm
So I was on Google trying to find a discussion board for people that have lost their moms to cancer- this was the first one I found. I need some life encouragement.
My mom was diagnosed when I was 15 years old with Breast Cancer. The doctor told her she would be fine and that they were just going to remove the lump. After surgery they wheel her out and tell us Im so sorry we had to remove the whole breast. When my mom wakes, she hears the news and is a complete mess- as I would be too. She ends up deciding to remove the other breast and having reconstruction. I have never seen my mom go through so much pain and be so dependent.
She does chemo and goes into remission.
Four years later, her back starts hurting so she goes and gets checked out to find out she now has matasisized breast cancer that lead to her bone, brian and liver. For a little less than the next year my mom lost almost all the weight on her body, all her hair, all energy to do anything but lay in bed. I hated it- my mom was the person that would go to concerts on the weekends, go running every day she got home from work, walk her dog while drinking a glass of wine; she was also my best friend. My mom helped me through so much in high school- I told her everything- something Ill never forget is laying in her bed and watching the Bachelor every Monday night or laughing so hard we are crying. I always knew she was there for me no matter what. One Monday night in August 2011 my mom was laying on the couch saying she could hear her brothers voice (her twin who had passed away when they were 33, my mom was 49 when she died)- we all thought that was strange. For the rest of that week my mom got progressively worse and at one point, not knowing who I was (or so it seemed). Her liver was so swollen pretruding out of her stick skinny body. That Saturday evening my mom falls asleep- she never wakes up. On Sunday morning she still isnt awake- we call hospice to come over- my mom is in acoma. They tell us she could be like that for months, days or hours. 3:33pm on August 12, 2011 my mom stopped breathing. Right in that moment I take off her anklet and thumb ring- Ive worn them every day since.
It was now just me and my younger brother alone in our moms house. We live in it for a year and finally sell it. Last July me and my brother moved into our own apartment. Its hard but i dont know what I would do without him. I am now 22 and my brother is 19.
Since my mom died I have never felt so alone. I feel like I have no idea where my life is going. I think about having kids and getting married and none of it sounds exciting without her. I want her advice and I want her support. I have pushed myself away from all my friends- they just dont get how I am feeling and want to enjoy themselves. I look at them and thihnk I cant enjoy myself- you guys get to go home to your moms and family and I dont. I would do anything to have my mom back. I would do anything to hear her voice or give her a hug. I cant do anything without feeling like she is watching my every move.
But I am sick of these feelings; I want to move on and be happy. I want to enjoy my life and not live for my mom anymore. I just feel so lost...