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A Little Advice Here...

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Ok, Momma has been in rehab since Aug.  She is comming home(to my house) Jan.24.  She has run out of Medicare, doesn't qualify for Medicaid. and has capped out her priviate insurance.  She is 87, can walk a little with a walker, cannot stand for any lenght of time,and is too shaky to dress, bath, eat,or go to the bathroom by herself.  I don't know if I can do all of this and it's beginning to scare the heck out of me!  There will be NO help...just me. There is no money for home health or a sitter. I cannot think of a routine that I can get into that will meet all her needs.  I always said I would take care of  her and step dad(he has Alzheimers), but I had not counted on cancer, open heart surgery, diabetes, and hypertention,not to mention on going depression and anxiety attacts.  Am I just making excuses and being lazy or am I in real trouble?  All her friends are old or have passed, her family is also all gone.  My two brothers and their wives still work and have careers.  My kids are scattered all over the world.  Any suggestions, or do I just need to get off my lazy behind and suck it all up?  Thanks y'all, I'll put the crying towell up now!  Best, Debrajo 

Sisters three's picture
Sisters three
Posts: 149
Joined: Nov 2012

I have a lot of experience with invalid family members, lots of tricks to help but need to know what she is recovering from or is she recovering or will continue to get worse? 

I had a family member several years ago who didn't qualify for help either, we had to unfortunately sell her belongings  and pay her bills with the money so she could  then be  declared indigent, then Medicaid picked up and she was allowed to go into nursing care. This turned into a necessity, was painful and hurtful but had to be done because of her decline and needing more than we could give her. 

 

 

 

 

Sisters three's picture
Sisters three
Posts: 149
Joined: Nov 2012

You said brothers and wives are still working, that doesn't mean they are off the hook. This type of care for your Mom can shake the very ground you walk on with the constant care needed, if she is not going to improve there will have to be a game plan with the "whole family"or you will end up regressing in your health, physical health and mental health doing this alone. The  emotional issues with doing it alone will be huge. You before long will be hiring hit men To "take care of those brothers" before it is all over. Most of the time when the rest of the family has the opinion that you are best for the job due to this and that they are saying," I don't want to deal with it let her!" People sometimes have to take leaves from work or quit jobs in order to help, if they can't do that sometimes THEY find some money to help with the situation. NOT YOU ALONE! If you try it your relationships with these brothers will never be the same. 

 

NorahS
Posts: 93
Joined: Dec 2012

You need to have the conversation with your brothers - sooner rather than later. She is their mother too.

At the very least, they should contribute help or money to provide 1 day a week (about 6 hours) respite care. You cannot stay home 24/7 to care for your mother.  

 

 

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 536
Joined: Jun 2012

You cannot do it all nor should you try.  Some states have elder management services that can give you some guidance.  Does Texas have anything like this?  

 

 

jazzy1's picture
jazzy1
Posts: 1387
Joined: Mar 2010

Seems like I've read so much about this care of parents over the years...as 3 yrs ago placed my mom in a retirement home due to alzheimers.  I was on the Alzheimer's Assoc message boards and heard so much about taking care of a parent with health issues, etc.  The biggest thing I drew from all of the messages...you cannot do it all yourself.  One must pool with other family members and all have duties to help the patient.  As someone here suggested, have a family meeting and get on board with the schedule for each person and remind everyone -- THIS IS THE MOM TO ALL OF THEM, NOT JUST ONE PERSON (yourself), THEREFORE, CARE MUST BE SHARED.

 

Did you check into some other financial support, since your mom doesn't have the $$ to pay for assistance?  Bet there's some aid out there, but can't remember where many people looked.  I'll look to see if have any notes on assistance and repost. 

 

Lastly, I've seen people quit their full-time jobs to take care of an aging parent at their home.  In the end, they were starting to have failing health....such a very, very heavy load.  NOTE:  DO NOT TRY AND DO IT YOURSELF....REMEMBER STRESS ISN'T GOOD FOR US...sure don't want to see your health fail, do you?

 

Good luck,

Jan

 

 

beila
Posts: 97
Joined: Sep 2012

BROTHERS ARE DEFINITELY NOT OFF THE HOOK!!!!

make a schedule:

once a week each brother for starters...plus...

All 3 of you chip in for a once or twice a week paid caregiver....they can afford it with them and wives working.

That's 3 or 4 days a week off for you FOR STARTERS...(be sure to get out of the house on some of those days and do enjoyable, social activities)

have you met with a social worker re possible resources?

(USA "richest country in the world"  minimal social services for its people...I am so glad I am back in Canada)

On one of those possible 3 or 4 days that you are caring for her, invite a friend over....get them to bring food...make it a little party just the 3 or 4 of you....if they bring food it will help...I find when people know you need help, they often (depending on the person) come across, BUT YOU HAVE TO ASK

hope this helps,

Most of this from experience,

Beila

cleo
Posts: 121
Joined: Sep 2009

Deb I cared for my mum and you need help.  It may be worth your going on to the Healthboards Alzheimers site as questions are asked there re financing for both Alz and elderly patients.    Gabriel could be of great help.

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks to all of you for the wonderful sugestions and tips.  I see this is going to be a process with no holds bared!  I am meeting with the brothers' via phone since one lives two hours away and the other six hours away.  I've got a better picture with them since I set up this little session. One will "contribute" to hiring a sitter once a week and for when I go for check ups at MD Anderson. the other brother( AT Our Age!) said"well Mama always liked you better than me anyway"!  Are we eight or what?!  The sisters-in-law are out....they have their own families to deal with!  I was able to talk to the Social worker at the Rehab where she is and they have a Senior Daycare if I need a break for 50.00 an 8 hour day!  Not bad at all!  @ three sisters....she is 87 and fell and broke her hip.  She is going to get better as far as the hip goes, and really walks better now than before.  He knees have been very bad for 20+ years so she will be in a wheel chair or on a walker for short periods.  I think I  am just going to have to put my foot down and MAKE her do what she can for herself.  She loves to be the center of attention and is what we call 'high Maintance"down here and THAT I can not do!  All funds have dryed up for now, but hope to get things straight in the next two months for her to apply for Medicaid.  I feel bad for step-dad...he will not get better.  The Alzheimer's in in the Sun-downer phase now and he trys to roam, so I know I can't take care of both of them.  Thank you all again so much, Love you all, debrajo

norma2's picture
norma2
Posts: 486
Joined: Aug 2009

It is going to be a lot for you, dear friend.  I think getting her to do as much for herself as possible is a good idea.  You are a great daughter. 

jazzy1's picture
jazzy1
Posts: 1387
Joined: Mar 2010

Agree you've got some idea what you wish to do....getting some family involved.  If they live away, they can contribute some $$$ to get you assistance in the home.  Sounds like you'll be paying for much of the foods, etc.?  They as well should do their  part with some financial support if can't be around for physical support.

We all feel we owe this and can do this for our parents, but understand it's tough.  You need breaks during the day or you'll be looking for a tree to hang from and want to get away from your mom.  Quite different from taking care of little ones, as when one is with health issues, they're not always cooperative.  Might find an outside person to get more accomplished with your mom vs. yourself...I found that with my mom before moving to retirement home.  She would NEVER take her meds, and it was always a fight to the bitter end.  I gave up and decided to let it go, and when she's moved to home, let the RN's we're paying dearly for give her the meds.  

Medicaid? That would be a great route to go.....they'll most likely require a lot of papers/documents for proof of her financial needs.

 

Best to you,

Jan   

 

 

   

NJZ62
Posts: 32
Joined: Sep 2012

Debrajo, what a lot of responsibility you are taking on, especially when you have so many concerns about your own health!

I took care of my mom the last 2 years of her life, and it was very hard at times, and I was in my 30s then and healthy as horse.  But...Mom had dementia, so could not be left unattended at all, plus my kids were grammar school age, so at times I felt "stretched" to cover mother, wife and daughter roles all at once.

The advice others gave that you will need help yourself as a caregiver is absolutely "spot on", as the Brits say. 

Adult daycare can be a great way to get a break - sometimes park districts or churches will have low cost programs.

Bless you for taking care of your mom when you already have so much on your plate.

Nancy

 

 

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks Nancy!  It has been rocky, for her as well as for me.  She is trying to do for her self,but at 87 it was hard BEFORE she broke her hip.  He mind is clear,thank God,just the worn out body.  We are slowly doing all the things the ladies here have listed.  Our biggest problem right now are bathroom issues. Getting the right equipment has been a challenge.  I am having some health issues, but don't think they are cancer related, so we will keep on keeping on!  Thank you for repying!  Best, debrajo

txtrisha55's picture
txtrisha55
Posts: 422
Joined: Apr 2011

I cannot give much input for the care of parents as both of mine have already passed.  I just want to let you know I do feel for you and your situation and pray that your brothers step up to help as much as they should.  It is their mother too.  Do try and get some days/hours for yourself as it can be difficult.  Praying for you. trish

Roena's picture
Roena
Posts: 20
Joined: Dec 2012

Get in touch with a local community college and see if they have a CNA program.  For not much more than minimum wage you can get a CNA student or CNA graduate to help with ADL's.  There is no way to be a full time caregiver without undue stress. As others have also commented, there are other siblings and their spouses who should be part of caregiving.  There may be assistance (physical) through local groups - contact United Way. 

Roena

 

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks again!  Since I've been re-reading all your comments, it has opened me up to other opitions such as the colleges and CNA.  I talked to some of the younger staff at Rehab and they actually ASKED to be considered sitters for her!  Gee, I can breath again!  You guys are awesome!  I am a door mat, but now I just think I have aquired enough "dirt".  Will keep you posted...d-day is Jan. 24!  I get her finances straight and get her attitude changed a little, she just might want to go back to the Rehab!  I can be a witch sometimes!  Love you guys!  Debrajo

Sisters three's picture
Sisters three
Posts: 149
Joined: Nov 2012

The bigger the room you can give her the better to make these things possible, when I say Her that means you don't get called to do it:

- Hospital bed rental is often not that expensive, this allows HER  to adjust herself with the push of a button

- The rolling tray that fits over the top of the bed and height can be adjusted to sit next to a chair, this allows HER to pull the table where needed and keeps things at hand.

-A slow drip coffee pot on a table that won't tip over allows HER to make coffee or just hot water for tea or hot chocolate, she can do this in her room by herself, gives her freedom and keeps her happier.

-a small fridge she can reach in her room allows HER to access what she wants at anytime.

-if a bathroom isn't close a portable potty allows HER to go without waking you up in the middle of the night.

-A small keep it on light at all times, that casts light on the floor, allows HER to getup at night without you having to come turn the light on

-A baby monitor allows her to call you when it is not possible to do it on her own, your end is portable and can even go into the yard with you.

-A phone and phone numbers she can call so you aren't the only one she talks to, HUGE to have others calling her just to keep you from being her only outside world contact!

-A small microwave oven for HER to reheat anything she needs to

-Wall railings in every pertinent location, she doesn't need your arm then.

-TV with remote controller that she can see EASILY from chair and bed.

-A window close to the bed that maybe she can watch HER birds coming and going from HER bird feeders.

Most of these things can be purchased used!!!!!! Start looking at Goodwill, Salvation Army and Craigslist.

The Hospital bed is a HUGE HELP!!!!!!! Can't say that enough!!!!! It is worth every single dime!

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks, Thanks, Thanks, Sisters Three!  I did order several things for her(bed rails, bedside commode, regular walker, and shower chair)but til you listed all the other things, I really had not thought of making HER room like a mini apartment or nice hotel room!  You are a genius,not to mention a God-send!  Here I was trying to "Mama-proof" the house when all her needs can be met in HER room!  I couldn't see the forest for the trees!  I was just thinking about making her meals(she had a melt-down at Rehab to day because the food was "bad").  I have a small fridge already and an extra coffee maker, I could splurge on a small microwave!  Thank you so much...I think I love you!!  Love, debrajo

jazzy1's picture
jazzy1
Posts: 1387
Joined: Mar 2010

If I'm not mistaken, when my father in law was having health issues and back home....thinking we had a social worker or someone in that type of occupation, come for visit.  They checked their home for safety and installed items to make the patients living arrangement easier.  Sorry not remembering it exactly, but they pointed out things we never even thought about for safety.

 

Possibly someone else can highlight this subject.  Must say Sisters Three really knows her stuff....what a gal!!

 

Good luck Debrajo....you're a trooper to help your mom!!

Jan

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks Jan, We have had a physical therapy person from the Rehab come in and measure for hand rails,height and width of toilets, and width of the tub and shower, but none of them mentioned things like Sisters Three! She lived with my family for seven years back in the 70-80's, but she was working and I was really young.  I'm afraid that when she married my Step-Dad in 87, he spoiled her rotten!  Well, things are going to change, they have to.  I barely have energy to get through the day myself, so she is getting her" apartment" fixed for her comfort and independence. I will do everything I can, but this is going to have to be a team effort!  Best, Debrajo

jazzy1's picture
jazzy1
Posts: 1387
Joined: Mar 2010

Team efforts...that's the key here.  You sound strong and know you won't allow this to override your life either.  Don't you have 4 boys of your own?  Busy gal.

 

Good luck in your new journey,

Jan

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Five boys and one girl(one son has passed), nine grands(six boys and three girls)with more to come!  Oldest boy is 41,youngest child Matthew is 19 and a Freshman in college.  So yeah, I'd like to have some of me left to rock the forthcomming grands.  We are in a dry spell now, our youngest grand is 3.  For a while we were having a new bundle every six months!  Mama is beginning to "get on the team"!  My not-so-nice husband is about fed up with the "drama queen" routine...and he has NO quams about telling her so!  Best, debra

Kathy G.'s picture
Kathy G.
Posts: 116
Joined: Dec 2012

Debrajo

I have been having some problems navigating the board the past week so have not been able to respond to many posts. Yours caught my attention as my husband & myself became my dad's FT caregivers when he had Alzheimer's. My husband was home w/him all day as he is disabled, and then I came home after work and did my part. In addition to the two of us working almost around the clock ( he progressed to the Sundowner's phase & was roaming around trying to go out at all hours) my kids also pitched in when able. I remember a hospital social worker telling us it took on average of 7 caretakers to care for 1 person with Alzheimer's or another similar debilitating disease!

So all the information you have gotton from other members on this board is so on point, but I just wanted to stress what has been said about not being able to do this on your own. I really think I developed like a post traumatic disorder after doing his care for 3 years....when my mother became terminally ill several years later or there were other serious stressors dad's death I went into anxiety mode, became forgetful, overwhelmed and very emotional.

One of the things I have been reading in reference to our cancer is that stress is not good for our ongoing recovery. I am thankful you have begun to find some help to relieve you of sole responsibility.

Funny you should mention your brother's comment about 'mom liking you better anyhow'....I have 3 brothers & they did not deal well with either of our parents falling ill. I just don't think they could face it emotionally...seems alot of men are just not wired to be caretakers! Plus we had alot of childhood rivalry and competition issues surface during that time with remarks, opinions & behaviors reminisient of when we were 8...lol! It got to the point where rather than deal with this crap I chose to continue doing the care within my own family unit, but like I said above have paid for it dearly !


Best of luck! You surely have your hands full with both parents!

Oh, and I thought Medicare NEVER ran out??????

Kathy

 

 

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

You are so right Kathi!  I hate that I can't take care of my step-dad...he is so lonely and sad, just down-right pittyful.  I did talk to some of the Home's workers(the have a wing for Alzheimers...he's just not there yet)who have worked with Alzheimers people for years and though he is pretty rational now he does roam, sleeps at odd time as if time has no meaning, and he is into the sundowners stage also, they all agree, it takes a whole staff 24/7 to keep up with someone like him.  They also keep telling he  WON'T get better.  When I agreed to take both of them, he had an inoperable aeortic anyruism that was expected to go at any time.  I think a 5.1 is critical to operate, his is 7.9 now.  So we really were not expecting him to last long.  Then the Alzheimers hit big time.  That's why I feel so guilty about him, I promised him a home, now I can't do it.  And yes, I didn't think Medicare ever runs out, but it seems like you reach a cap then you have to wait 60 days without ANY type of out-pay then it starts over again.  Medicaid is actually the one that pays for nursing homes...Medicare pays nothing on that!  I've gotten a real education lately on government protocal! Thanks for responding!  Best, Debra

jazzy1's picture
jazzy1
Posts: 1387
Joined: Mar 2010

This is a horrible disease as in most cases the person's body works fine, as the mind or brain cells basically start dying.  I've seen my mom go from a thriving 80 yr old living in her beautiful home all by herself....able to function and drive.  To...a woman who got lost various times driving, until I received a call one nite at 10pm from a police officer, informing me mom was lost/confused some 40 miles from her home...gee!  We picked her up and that was the last time she every saw her car and every drove again.  Withing 3 months my brother (who lives in Alaska) came to our area and we moved her to a retirement home.  I knew I couldn't take care of her at my home with the family, so we're using her money to pay or the expensive $4500 per month home.  They do everything for her and provide all meals as well as tons of socialization.  Today some 3 years later, mom has a boyfriend, has a huge smile on her face and is well taken care of by the full-time staff.  

I give anyone high marks to bring a parent with alzheimer's into their home and provide full-time care themselvs.  It's so, so difficult, but many people have no choice.  Debrajo with your FIL that would be a very difficult sitation to as well take him into your home...very honorable on your part might I say, but tough!!!  

Medicare basically covers the health care, and Medicaid picks up when one is down to their last $999 in their checking/savings accounts.  Of course, they have very strict rules which have a look back period of 5 years....so if anyone uses the patients money outside of for the patient, the look back starts over.  So...if all is followed for the past 5 years and the person is down to their last $999,then can qualify for medicaid.  Most retirement faciliities do offer so many Medicaid beds, and if qualified all is paid for via Medicaid.

Kathi, I give you credit for taking care of a parent.....and yes stress isn't good for anyone, especially one who's dealing with a history of cancer.  

 

You ladies are simply the best,,,,,

Jan

 

Kathy G.'s picture
Kathy G.
Posts: 116
Joined: Dec 2012

Debrajo, 

You really amaze me with all you have going on...don' t think you are able to recognize what a Godsend you are to both parents...not to mention your siblings who you are relieving of most of the anguish, frustration, guilt and stress that comes with having a sick parent reside in your home.

 

I,, too, felt guilty about my dad being lonely, confused, and dependent. Both my parents always told us they did not want to be burdens, and being of the Depession era were not comfortable asking for help. Although dad' s illness put a lot of mental and time stressors on me the hardest was the emotional feelings of powerlessness to stop his progression downwards. He had told me to use his VA benefits & put him in a nursing home when he got bad, but I struggled with doing that until his Dr. and that hospital social worker pointed out it took at least 7 to care for someone at his stage. I am grateful to those professionals who eased slot of my guilt. Dad died 6 months after going in so he was near death when admitted so that also made me feel less guilty.

 

 

There were so many special times we got to spend together and as a result ofof this disease. I got family history I had not heard before. One day I came home from work and asked him how his day was. He told me he had been out shopping with his brother buying my mom' s engagement ring! Of course all this had happened over 50 years ago & the brother he mentioned was dead, but he was so excited and detailed about it the experience was priceless!

I hope you are able to enjoy some special times with your steps as like this before he worsens....my thoughts are with you!

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Jan, thanks,what a terrifying thing to have the police find your mother so far from home!  We did (finialy after several small accidents) get the state of Texas to pull his drivers liensens, but he still insists he can drive,so we had to take the keys which seemed to make him so much worse mentaly.  He said we were trying to make him less a man?!  Kathi, what a wonderful story of the engagement!  I would hope to have some experences with him!  I think his natural daughter is missing out on some valuable time with him.  The part that saddens me is that he keeps begging me to take him home with me, that he'll be good, that he will even sleep in the car or on the floor, and that he promises not to have an accident!  As if I care about accidents!  It just breaks my heart!  He is the only "grandpa" two of my kids know of and two more only have faint memories of their natural grandfathers.  You all have been so helpful letting me whine and I know I have to get tough, but it will cost me in stress which is bad, but it is what it is and I will deal.   Thanks for all the shoulders!  Best, debra

SUNGRANNY
Posts: 71
Joined: Dec 2012

Dear Debrajo,

I work in Geriatrics, am a family caregiver, and am going through Chemo  treatments, so can relate to your struggles.  Here are some other thoughts that might be of help:

- Are either your mother or step-father Veterans?  If so, are they registered with the VA?  If not, I strongly encourage your to contact the VA so your family member and you can take advantage of some of the low cost or free services available to Veterans and live-in caregivers such as respite, adult day healthcare.  There are is also financial assistance available to elderly low income Veterans who served during a time of combat, ask about Pension, and Aid and Attendance.  To help with registering for the VA, check out the website www.va.gov or call the VA Caregiver Support Line: 1-855-260-3274. 

- Check with your local Area Agency on Aging office.  there should be one in your county.  They should be able to tell you about potential services available for your mother as well as your step-father.  Most counties have some limited funds available for respite for live-in caregivers.  Some programs are income dependent, some not. 

- If your mother is considered homebound, is in need of either nursing or physical therapy services at home, she may qualify for home health, which could also include a home health aide to help her with personal care.  This would come under MEDICARE.  Ask the nursing home social worker, or if your mom is already at home, ask her doctor for a referral.  Depending upon her particular Medicare plan coverage, there may or may not be a co-pay, but the social worker or home health agency should be able to tell you.

-  The Alzheimers Association sometimes has respite funds and/or programs.  Check with  your local chapter.  They can also help with an ID bracelet for those who wander, etc. 

- AARP Website has a good downloadable booklet:  PREPARE TO CARE. www.aarp.org.

- Some communities have a nonprofit organization with volunteers to assist caregivers and/or elderly who live in the community.  Some are called Interfaith Caregivers Alliance.  Some churches have wonderful volunteer programs, circles of care, or parish nurses.  Some Senior Centers have volunteer programs with "sitters."

- Book for caregivers of persons with dementia - THE 36 HOUR DAY.

- Some of our sibling caregivers like the book THEIR YOUR PARENTS TOO.

- Adult day cares are awesome and can be lifesavers.  Not only does it give the caregiver a break, but the person with dementia is happily and busily engaged during the day and thus may wander less at night.  Some bigou, cities now have Adult night care programs for the wanderers, so that caregivers can sleep at night.Hugs to you, and your caring heart.   As they say when you fly - "When you travel with small children or other dependents, put on your own oxygen mask first.Sungranny

 

 

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks so much for all the info Sungranny!  My step dad is with the VA now and his meds and someother things are covered for him.  If we do have to move him(finances)there is a Veterants facillity about 40 miles away that has agreeded to take him in a worse case seniaro.  We are just now tapping into the VA part.  Threr are no church or volenteer groups near here to help sit, but some of the Jr. colleges here offer their in-training CNA and LVN to sit as training with supervision at a small fee.  I had not thought of the AARP group, but will check that out tonight.  I do need those books...especially the 36 hour one since I feel like it's that long now and haven't even started really yet!  I really don't get the sibling part. My two brothers and I are whole brother and sister, raised by the same mother and father.  One told me it was a daughters "Duty" to take care of the parents....uhmmmm WHY?  Maybe the book will tell me!  Thanks again , all of you, for taking the time to walk me through this.  Hope I can help you all one day!  Best, Debrajo

jazzy1's picture
jazzy1
Posts: 1387
Joined: Mar 2010

How's is all going with your mom?  Thought of you yesterday and wanted to check with you as you have an awful lot on your plate.

Best to you!

Jan

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 536
Joined: Jun 2012

I've been wondering to.

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

Thanks Jan and Connie!  I usually only get on late at night and not for very long.  It is going pretty good.  There have been a few melt-downs(on her part), but I am determined not to let her get into the "pity me" routine.  I have kept the health catalogs and Amazon.com pretty busy ordering things that she needs.  We are slowly getting to the new normal.  I try to get her out on a short trip to town every other day and she goes to bed by 9:00 so that helps.  It is still a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I keep forgetting I am in my sixties and not my forties.  Thankfully my husband (who loves my mother) has been out of work since Dec. and is actually helping with errands and small things and can watch her if I have to run out for a while.  It is a learning experence and I am a slow student!  So far only a few medical problems have come up(diabeties is up some and something about bloodcells that are too big?), but will get things checked out at regular dr. in March.  So we carry on and once again thanks for thinking about me and for all the advice!  I am always open to suggestions!  Best, debrajo

jazzy1's picture
jazzy1
Posts: 1387
Joined: Mar 2010

Glad things are moving along as well as can be expected.  I would think it's difficult too, but remember this is NEW for both of you and part of the trial of getting to a normal...ya think?

As long as you have "ME TIME" and places in your own home to go for "needed escapes", you'll work it out.  One thing I learned, mom will always be my mom and if I try to stand up and say to her 'I'm the MOM NOW' it doesn't work.  Once the mom, always the mom....therefore, remember to keep the titles in tack and treat her as my mom, even though I do things for her as the MOM.  Have to be creative!

Even though mom's in a retirement assisted living apartment, I've learned from the director at her facility, at this age, 2 of the most important things for the elderly -----

1.  Socialization

2.  Food

I believe it after mom had adjusedt in her new apt for 6 months.  She'd not want to see me when it was meal time or had some sorta social gathering/outing.  Wow, get out of her way, but in the end SHE IS HAPPY, THEREFORE, I AM HAPPY, TOO~  

 

Good luck,

Jan

 

P.S.  Another good book which I've read -- HOW TO CARE FOR AGING PARENTS, by Virginia Morris (resource guide for providing help in difficult situations) 

 

 

 

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 724
Joined: Sep 2011

You are sooo right Jan!  The lines between parent and child were drawn loooog ago!  She is Mother!  I have to bite my tongue at times and let her see what works for her when I could have just told her!  Reminds me of one of my independent sons.  He would get so mad when I tried to help with buttons that he would say"Mommy!  me do it meself!'  Went to town more than once with shirts buttoned up wrong,but he did do it himself!  My step dad is like your mother,activities and FOOD come first!  Mama seems to obsess over bathroom issues, too much, not enough, ect.  Working on that!  I do make her go out to at least "people watch", but she is like my "trailer" hitched to me at all times!  Working on that also!   Thanks for the book suggestion, I missed that one at Amazon.com the other day!  Bless you!  Debrajo

jazzy1's picture
jazzy1
Posts: 1387
Joined: Mar 2010

You're doing it one day at a time!!!!  No  one trained us to take care of our parents, just as we weren't trained to raise kids.  All a learning process.

 

Thanks!

JanSmile

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