Jan 15, 2013 - 9:29 pm
Hello, my name is Amanda. I am 23 years old and just recently diagnosed with an aggressive t-cell/b-cell NHLymphoma. I am struggling with what to write, or how to even navigate this site. In all honestly I have no clue what I'm doing. All I know is that it no longer helps just trying to talk to my family and friends. They don't understand as much as they want to and it's hard for me to explain it to them. The pain, the fear, the anxiety(which is a lot), and my newest addition to this journey, depression. I feel so isolated from everyone. I feel like I've lost my life. I can't go out and do things that I used to. I had to give up smoking, one of my very few forms of stress relief. Not to mention I would kill for a glass of wine but I'm only able to drink that on the last 3 days right before my next round of chemo. And what makes it worse is that I feel guilty for wanting these mundane things. To be able to go to the grocery store without having to wear a mask. To walk around outside and not have people look at me funny because I have no hair, or eyelashes, and that I'm losing my eyebrows. And then I get angry. So angry for feeling guilty about just wanting my life back. Then I hit this anxiety of, 'what ifs', and then I sink into this hole of depression. It's so hard to get out of. I just want to curl myself into a ball, block out reality and sleep for days, dreaming that I was me again. Dreaming that this had never happened to me. Not just me either. To my parents, and my sister and my nieces and nephew. I don't want them worrying or being scared for me. All I know right now is that I'm so lost and I have no idea what I'm doing or how to find a balance in my life, and it all leads me right back to anger and depression. And I'm so sick of it. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want my life back!