Jan 12, 2013 - 4:10 am
Today, er yesterday was a new low for me as a caregiver. After not being able to take meds recently, and being up all night wretching for two nights straight, after losing 3 lbs over night, we walked into the doctors office, where some being who took over my husbands body snapped at me and said 'you better not get me admitted'. The only thing I said during his visit, is will we see the doctor today? She had made a previous reference during the week, that she would see him on Friday again. The rad onc said, the oncologist wanted him admitted earlier in the week, she said I think you should stay, and he said no. She said come to emergency if you need to then, and walked out of the room.
Now I am the horrible person for suggesting to him that maybe he should get some extra fluids over the weekend, and at least when he couldn't take his meds they'd help with IV meds for pain and nausea. Since I get horrible looks, and I know I am not to take these things personally.. I am hurt. I know this is cancer talking, not the man I married, we are in a city away from home, I have tried to move mountains, and up until he started down hill with getting things down, he actually would tell me how glad he was I was here and how much I've helped with things that he had no clue about.
I Sound like its a pity party, but it is 3 am on a third night with little sleep, so most likely it is!. I asked them today to give him pain meds in his IV since he last took them the afternoon before, and he's sleeping, probably clueless, that he sliced through me like a hot knife through butter today.. he's not in this alone, and I feel so far away from him right now.. It's scary and this might be on the wrong thread but jeesh, cancer sucks.
Thank you for listening.