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unreasonably angry tonight

LOUSWIFT
Posts: 359
Joined: Aug 2006

I had a really bad day,I thought I'd give talking to my wife another try. The conversation was brief mostly about what I have become tether to bathroom; muscle gone again; so standing or walking is a real problem but I can stand and walk short distances. Even though we spent the holidays with our family out of State and it as so good to see the grand babies as usual she and I spent no time together. Even on the flight she spent her time reading her Kindle rather than talk to me. I asked her if she remembered a time when we did something just us and there aren't any. She manages our lives without even asking me and finds numerous ways not to be around our home. No there isn't another guy since she has gotten pretty fat. Yes my fault she says. Her position... there is a better life for me well not being alive. You know I'm tired of the pokes; the tests; the treatments; the doctors; the hospitals and all the crap cancer brings with it. I know there are many people who have had it worst than I and they still do but in reflection nearly eleven years now before all this started...I wish I had just said no. It's my time. You never beat cancer it just waits for the next opportunity. My God the money they wasted on me at hospitals; doctors getting another BMW payment for seeing you two minutes; drug companies getting rich so why find a cure for a cash cow? So here I am not even close to what I was after all this and what is yet to come and for what? Maybe another delay in my death or maybe some indigity or medical discomfort I have not suffered; a life which is no life; the lost of a loving wife who was one once; no friends; family repeatedly dragged through the worry and effects on thier lifes? Just think what that money wasted on me could have done? I know I don't want to go all philosophical but maybe my death could have meant something more than my life has turned out to be? My funeral will not me about me and what I accomplished, it will be how I had a brave fight with cancer. So it will be less about me and more about what has destroyed me...fitting end...perhaps!

Well some more pokes tomorrow and another scan why not? Just cattle herded around the medical community; a billing number not a person anymore

belindahill's picture
belindahill
Posts: 142
Joined: Jan 2011

Hi, so so sorry you feel this way. I'm the wife the one that stands by and a watch, and its so hard! We have been fighting for so long2 1/2 years, and what a roller coaster ride I grieve for the man I lost, the times we had, the love we shared, it's so very very hard. What we do we fight and we staret each day as a new one, never giving up, hoping one day a cure will be found. Why us? Had another bad night, my husband being sick from chemo, neither of us slept, yet he got up and went to work he try's so hard.I hope you have a better day, take care sending lots of love.

 

 

 

John23
Posts: 1832
Joined: Jan 2007

Stay alive just to spite the miserable @#$%^&*s !

After all of this, you still haven't tried TCM or any one of
the few million "alternatives"....? Wazzup wid dat?

A buddy (that almost ended it all) told me how he realized at that
(nearly) final moment, that rather than end his life, he'd start living it
instead; do all the things that he wouldn't have dared to do before...

He's still alive, well, and doing some pretty neat stuff... oh...
and he's got a girlfriend (dumped his wife)..

The "end" is final; it's the end of everything "present", and of
anything future.

A new start is what most of us want, but are too afraid to upset
everything present.

You don't "have nothing left", Lou..... You have everything to
look forward to, once you let go and live.

(I'm emailing a can of beer to you; look for it, it's not spam)

Better days can be yours, ma'man!

John

LOUSWIFT
Posts: 359
Joined: Aug 2006

Aw John

Thanks for the digital spam beer but as you know I have chemo induced cirrhosis so no alcohol. I have little faith in traditional treatments or doctors or the other crap in treating cancer anymore. I know and respect you for TCM but as you know we have been on opposite sides of the argument about what's best. I believe now there is no best. Cancer doesn't kill you it's just the getting tired of the crap (no pun intended). It wears you down; gives false hope; damages you more and more with other illnesses; the constant fear of what's next. It takes slow people like me to realize that the game is rigged. It's like Tic Tac Toe the only way to win is not to play (movie War Games). I don't want to die but I chose not to play because in the balance of what is important to me living or dying have pretty much become an equal measure. So my old friend ambivalence isn't so bad!

I think all wives who have been through the destruction of the their husband who was in their eyes and his... a man (please I don't mean this as derogatory) and is now something less. No matter what, the aspect of changing from what we once were to what we have become lays heavy on us husbands. I see it as a role reversal and for a guy dealing with that...  it is so very hard. Include having our wifes button our shirts; tie our shoes; or literally carry us from point to point I and I imagine other husbands become ashamed. Yes, love is something great but tempered heavily by the growing burden of care and personal failure that for your wife makes the hearts and roses fade. I have given up on my wife. Who knows maybe her wish to become strangers is the only way she can deal with the lost of me. Her Dad died of colon cancer to the liver and then pancreas in his early 70's. It shook her pretty bad and now constantly facing my death? It's likely she "loves me not" anymore but here's the scary part I don't love her less for it was I not her that brought our relationship to what it has become. I know...I know..it was the cancer(s) but that changes nothing. What hurts and angers me is that like cancer there is nothing I can do about it.

So John I'm not laying down for anyone but maybe I just won't lean into the fight like I used too. So my friend grab a snack of dried yak toes or root of the blood vine and rest assured they may be better than the poison they pump into our ports as they cut us up and light us up with radiation.  Whatever happens from now on maybe I'll go with the beer...even a digital one.

Thanks to all who responded to my tirade. Sometimes the cup just overflows. Take Care all and best of health. Lou

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1269
Joined: Apr 2010

Oh dear Lou, I am typing this with tears just rolling down my cheeks. Tina said everything that I was thinking, so there's no point in repeating it since there wasn't a word that I wouldn't have said myself.  I am just so very sorry that you're going through this horrible disease without your spouse's expressed love.  This doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, it's just that she may be isolating herself from the fear and pain of loss, especially after seeing her father suffer as well. 

:'(

Warm thoughts...

Cynthia 

wawaju04976's picture
wawaju04976
Posts: 316
Joined: Dec 2012

I know why you are here. To give us newbies hope. I was dxd w/stage 4 colon cancer. My surgeon told me max a couple of years. I'm 47, haven't had grandkids, my kids are in their early 20s and they were devastated, as was I. I understand not being the same as you were before. Everything for me now stems around AC/BC, after cancer/before cancer. But, I really want to see my children get married and I want to see my grandkids. So you give me hope. And I thank you for that...

 

Judy

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2044
Joined: Oct 2009

I'm sorry.  You did not ask for this, you did not do anything to bring all this on.  I'm sorry for your wife's attitude.  If your wife is overweight that is her fault, not yours, so her saying that is pure crap.  The financial burden of cancer hits almost everyone so you are not alone on that one.

Although I lost my George on 10/29/12, I never for one minute considered him a burden to me or too much of a financial strain.  I remember a few weeks before George died we were sitting together watching TV and he started crying that he was so sorry he did this to me, that he got sick and was now a burden physically and financially and that we would not have the retirement years we dreamed of and that he took that away.  I told him he was never a burden, we were in this fight together no matter where it led.  I always felt it was an honor to be his wife for he was a wonderful husband and in no  way, shape or form was he ever a burden.  I atteneded each and every test, appointment, scan and alsmost every chemo, for we were in this fight together.  I am sorry your wife does not fell the same.  If she is so unhappy and making you miserable, maybe it is time to part ways for a while, she is free to leave and set up a new residence, then change the locks.   That may sound harsh but you need some peace in your life.

I am going to assume here that you have paperwork in place for someone to make medical decisions for you.  If that person is your wife, perhaps you may want to change that, just a thought. 

Best wishes for a brighter 2013 - Tina

 

 

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1174
Joined: Apr 2009

Lou,

I was thinking of you earlier today and wondering how you are doing.

It appears that the witch is still flying around on her broom. Maybe you could open the door and she could join her friend in that broom factory that's shown in a TV commercial. Crass, but true, she is dragging you down. And as for her physique being your fault, WTF? Mybe she'd burn some of it off if she put some energy into helping you. If you're such a burden, she knows where the door is. Now, maybe I'm being way too pushy here, but it really upsets me that she has the gall to blame you for her faults.

Sure it's tough being a caregiver, almost as tough as being the cancer survivor. But, she needs to put on those "a$$ kickin" boots and kick with you, not at you.

So, don't you even think about going anywhere soon. Come out of that "dark place". We need you and would miss you terribly.

Just think of all those "poor" doctors who would have to drive ten year old rattletraps if we give up. LOL

Luv,

Wolfen

 

LOUSWIFT
Posts: 359
Joined: Aug 2006

Some wives are better than others as you demonstrate. Still George stated what I feel and how hard it was and is to deal with the unplanned outcome of your relationship and life. It is a heavy burden. My wife and then my kids will make the medical decisions if it comes to that. I think a little cold calculation if that time arrives I wouldn't mind. She can't leave me because if she does she will no longer get my pension or health care benefits which continue to her as long as we are married when I die...so she's not going anywhere. Divorce would be one delay after another and you know I really don't mind that someone is there to carry out my funeral wishes other tha my kids. My lawyer has my wishes so throwing me in a coffee can she can not do. But I'm not dying yet so we'll see. Thanks Tina George was a lucky man. Lou

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 334
Joined: Apr 2009

@Louswift: I cannot say I completely understand you as I've never been on that side, so I don't have the right to say that, but I have to say I somewhat understand you. And I feel really really bad for you...nothing is worse probably then seeing that the other person has "lost the spark". But I also believe (as once a caregiver) that it's not about "some wifes are better than others"....it's more "people handle uncertainty and complete incompetence differently". You know, it is not only for your wife to see that strong man she used to fall in love go weak, and walk around like a grandpa, and all the time being at the "waste department" but for her it is also, WHY I CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE THIS? It is a very very hard feeling. And this is only hard to take in if you love the person who is being sick....and some people have an easier accepting that there's absoluately nothing they can do to cure their loved ones so that the loved ones could bounce back and be as they were, and enjoy life as they used to. Others get mad...when I was taking care of my loved one I was the latter. I did not show, and covered it up, but inside I had this rage building up. No, not against the loved one....against the SITUATION! That no matter how hard I try, no matter if I'm sitting there by the bed 24/7 there's absolutely nothing I can do to change the situation and as much as I love my loved one, she will leave, she will die. And it is like a vicious cycle, like the spinning wheel the hamsters are running in....they keep running like idiots! They think they will get somewhere.....sometimes they get tired, they slow down a bit, then again, they pick up, gather their strength and speed up hoping to get 'there' sooner. But honestly, they will NEVER get "there" because there's no "there" at all. But they keep running. It is the same, I knew I can keep running in that wheel faster, harder, sweating blood, there's absolutely not a single thing that will change, and no matter how hard I fight, nothing will change and she'll leave...no one asked me if I was ready, no one was asking me if I wanted something else, another alternative, like "let's heal her, so that you guys could live together for a longer time". No one asked, not even this freaking life! It just "decided" to make my Mom as miserable as possible, break me as much as it can, and then when I was already angry enough of the situation, and hated already my whole entire life and the universe than it was like a last big slap from life like "Here, suffer you idiot!" and just killed my Mom. And no one, not a single soul asked me if this is okay with me, if I am ready, and if I did everything I wanted to do with her. No one....because that's how cancer is. And your wife is not a bad wife....she just have a very hard time accepting that probably never ever going to see you bounce back no matter how hard you guys are fighting...sometimes, the longer the fight is, the harder to believe that there's any hope to recovery. It is human nature....when one gets sick, and gets to a hospital, everybody is around asking the doctor what is the prognosis, and they get excited when the person in coma moves their little finger. Everybody is hopeful that yay, the person will recover. But imagine if years pass by and that same person is still in coma....he or she can tap with their little finger every single day, relatives will almost ignore it and won't be jumping around that fact anymore....why? Because years over years this person has not done more but only that. So people lose hope....and no matter how much they love their loved one in coma, they lose hope and they are hurt because they love the person so much, and yet, there's nothing they can do to change anything. It is very very hard to deal with that. You've gotta understand your wife on that. Talk to her, say, let's look at old photos, and just recall memories of where you guys went, or any ridiculous, or even embarassing moments in the past that was like "Wow, we did that, eh?". She'll be happy she can still see that guy and reassure her that although this situation you guys are in right now, you love her the same way, if not more, and that you are feeding on those same memories for survival just like her. She has no life anymore, she is seeing her loved ones not recovering, maybe even doing worse (I don't exactly know how is your health situation right now) or even at the edge of "fading away". It is very hard for her too....reassure her by these memories that you are still loving her, and you are so greatful that she is around even if you cannot express it, or go hike with her as you used to, or go goof around or do whatever you guys used to do. But more importantly, think through this life novel I wrote here and try to see and understand her perspective....remember! It is not easy to fight for a loved one, and seeing them never get any better....it is a self-directed rage that feeds on itself....hard, very hard to deal with.

Good luck to you and your wife! I'll be in the background rooting for you both! Both for your health, and your relationships! :)

 

Ps: sorry everybody for this long ramble....I always sucked making my points across 2 lines...>.<

k44454445's picture
k44454445
Posts: 494
Joined: Jul 2012

i am sorry about your wife but she does not treat you right. i would consider seperating. you need to think about yourself & she is dragging you down! you are a good person so please keep fighting! we need you.

hugs

judy

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2183
Joined: Oct 2011

You have every right to be angry about the cards that have been dealt to you (others may have it worse..or better...but the only context we have for our emotions is our individual situations, so our emotions and feelings are always valid, imo).  You are not alone in having a spose who is dealing poorly (to say the least) with a partner's illness.  My BIL became ill with with fibromyalgia and depression, and it didn't take long for my sister to decide that she wasn't interested in the role of caregiver.  In other ways she can be a decent person, but in this one area, she was a failure.  My BIL was not the one who failed...SHE was.  You didn't ask for cancer, and it's not your fault that you have it.  Your life has value for its own sake, regardless of the challenges your situation may create for those you love.  Your wife could have chosen to view this experience has a chance to grow as a person (and speaking as someone who has been both caregiver and patient, this is a possibility), and she refused to make that choice.  A loss for both her and you, but again, absolutely not your fault.  Choosing to fight, to survive, is what any of us would have done.  I just wish your wife would have made the choice to be a supportive partner in your journey.  Ann Alexandria

thxmiker's picture
thxmiker
Posts: 1201
Joined: Oct 2010

We are sending our thoughts and Prayers for more strength Lou!  

Cancer is such a difficult battle, that none of us need a family battle on top of the heap.  My thoughts are do your best to live YOUR life, and hopefully your wife and kids join in.  You have been inspirational here, and I doubt if you are any different in your life.  Maybe it is time to tell your wife and family of all the great memories you all have had, and your wish to have more.

 

Best Always, mike

here4lfe
Posts: 294
Joined: Jan 2010

Caregiving is hard. But she should also consider the other side of this, the loss of her loved one. Caregiving maybe hard, but widowhood is much worse. As far as your wishes, it's good that they are known to people you trust. The funeral is for the living, but it's still your life's story and it needs to be told the way you want it.

Hang in there.

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 569
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi Lou,

Life throws us curveballs and challenges, not allways easy to get over the hurdles and pick one up again  and try and try again. I have been a caregiver to 2 husbands, the last one for 6 years and then I became a patient myself, which is not the easiest of role either.

Not always easy to tlk or get your pont across when emotional, so I bogth a journal and wrote in their, how I felt about everything. Just a thought ... maybe... if you wrote your wife a letter and let her read how you feel and that you miss the person  she was... maybe try to court her a little. She must be feeling very isolated and lonely herself. She must have fears and dark thoughts and moments also. If you can find the way back to each other, since divorce is not possible I read in your post, someone has to make a first and very decisive step.

Leave the letter on her pillow or somewhere were she has to read it. Maybe if you tell her that you miss the laughter and the fun you 2 had, her smile .....

 I so wish you peace and contentment, you can still be happy even when some of our capabilities are gone, just like we don't look the same as 30 years ago.

Hugs, Marjan

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 569
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi Lou,

Life throws us curveballs and challenges, not allways easy to get over the hurdles and pick one up again  and try and try again. I have been a caregiver to 2 husbands, the last one for 6 years and then I became a patient myself, which is not the easiest of role either.

Not always easy to talk or get your point across when emotional, so I bought a journal and wrote in there, how I felt about everything. Just a thought ... maybe... if you wrote your wife a letter and let her read how you feel and that you miss the person  she was... maybe try to court her a little. She must be feeling very isolated and lonely herself. She must have fears and dark thoughts and moments also. If you can find the way back to each other, since divorce is not possible I read in your post, someone has to make a first and very decisive step.

Leave the letter on her pillow or somewhere were she has to read it. Maybe if you tell her that you miss the laughter and the fun you 2 had, her smile .....you are still the same man, older but with the same feelings, you need to be able to lean on each other in the bad times also.

 I so wish you peace and contentment, you can still be happy even when some of our capabilities are gone, just like we don't look the same as 30 years ago.

Hugs, Marjan

 

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