Jan 07, 2013 - 2:27 am
I had a really bad day,I thought I'd give talking to my wife another try. The conversation was brief mostly about what I have become tether to bathroom; muscle gone again; so standing or walking is a real problem but I can stand and walk short distances. Even though we spent the holidays with our family out of State and it as so good to see the grand babies as usual she and I spent no time together. Even on the flight she spent her time reading her Kindle rather than talk to me. I asked her if she remembered a time when we did something just us and there aren't any. She manages our lives without even asking me and finds numerous ways not to be around our home. No there isn't another guy since she has gotten pretty fat. Yes my fault she says. Her position... there is a better life for me well not being alive. You know I'm tired of the pokes; the tests; the treatments; the doctors; the hospitals and all the crap cancer brings with it. I know there are many people who have had it worst than I and they still do but in reflection nearly eleven years now before all this started...I wish I had just said no. It's my time. You never beat cancer it just waits for the next opportunity. My God the money they wasted on me at hospitals; doctors getting another BMW payment for seeing you two minutes; drug companies getting rich so why find a cure for a cash cow? So here I am not even close to what I was after all this and what is yet to come and for what? Maybe another delay in my death or maybe some indigity or medical discomfort I have not suffered; a life which is no life; the lost of a loving wife who was one once; no friends; family repeatedly dragged through the worry and effects on thier lifes? Just think what that money wasted on me could have done? I know I don't want to go all philosophical but maybe my death could have meant something more than my life has turned out to be? My funeral will not me about me and what I accomplished, it will be how I had a brave fight with cancer. So it will be less about me and more about what has destroyed me...fitting end...perhaps!
Well some more pokes tomorrow and another scan why not? Just cattle herded around the medical community; a billing number not a person anymore