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todd121
Posts: 495
Joined: Dec 2012

I told my oldest son the results of my pathology report last night (Stage 3 Grade 3 N0 M0). Not something I wanted to do, but it had to be done. I've been considering why I didn't want to share it with him. Being a source of sadness to my children is one of the most difficult things for me to do. Also, I realize I have this huge fear of being a burden to them.

Last night the sadness returned that I haven't noticed recently and I cried for what seemed like no reason at all. The mini panic attacks returned as well. However, I managed to get a good night's sleep and this morning I did my meditation and went through my list of things I'm grateful for and that helped a great deal.

Today the sun is shining and it's a beautiful, clear day outside.

As far as I know I'm cancer free today, but I'm hoping to get to a place where it's ok either way, because it's really out of my control and worrying about things I can't control isn't healthy for me. It may be time (finally at my age) to do what I can about something and really, completely let go of it after that. Or is that some kind of unattainable goal? As long as I'm breathing, am I going to keep obsessing and trying to control everything around me?

This disease really brings things down to the bare metal.

Todd

angec's picture
angec
Posts: 614
Joined: Mar 2012

Todd, worry, anxiety, fear, sleepless nights, it is all normal.  It is not easy to go back to life the way it was when something like this hits home.  The good news is that there are  many drugs out there that keep this disease in check and can handle it is a chronic disease instead of a death sentence. Like diabetes etc.  There are several drugs in the pipeline that are better, have less side affects and are doing a good job keeping people free of cancer.  So try not to worry so much. Take one day at a time and live life to it's fullest.  If you feel well enough, continue to go about your daily routine.  I don't know how old your child is but it is good to share your condition and work through it together.  Kids are tougher than you think. You are not a burden at all!  There is alot of life left so go out and live it and enjoy yourself.  Like the bible says, you cannot add one cubit to your lifespan by being anxious, so you are correct not to worry about things we can't change. But you will be prepared for no matter which way it goes.  if it does come back you have plenty of options with medicines these days.  Keep contact on the boards here and we will guide you. There are many here that have a ton of experience and will be sure to help you get whatever treatment you need. But prayers are out that you won't need anything further but tests ever few months.  You sound like a great dad!  Come here to vent and share whenever you need to.  We are always here for you.  Go out and make it a great day!

todd121
Posts: 495
Joined: Dec 2012

Thanks! I may be going by old data on this disease. My uncle is an oncologist, but he retired almost 10 years ago. He's not very familiar with the new drugs and I may be picking up some of his anxiety about this disease that is a bit out of date.

My sons aren't kids anymore. They are 29 and 26. But I guess they are always kids to us.

Todd

 

Limelife50's picture
Limelife50
Posts: 409
Joined: Nov 2011

I know this is tough and it is going to take some time to wrap your mind around this to the point you can resume a normal everyday routine.At the same time to some degree all of our lives will never be the same again,i wish thier was a magical comment i could make to ease your fears but all anyone can do is be supportive when you are feeling down.Todd i dont want you to take this the wrong way but if you feel a need to see a qualified Physician to maybe prescribe you some medications to calm down then go ahead and see one.Try not to think of yourself as a burden i am sure your family loves you very much.One more thing Todd there is a good chance you will not ever get a reaccurance.

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1855
Joined: Oct 2011

All of us who unfortunately have had cancer all pray to be disease free. Bless those that are. I think that once cancer has affected us, we must be diligent and never expect to be disease free. It must be watched closely and responded to if it returns. We cannot believe that if we ignore it ,it will go away. It is life changing. But as grownups, we deal with it. Like having kids, ailing parents, jobs, house work, and bill paying. I should add taxs'. We don't freak out. We move on to tomorrow and deal with issues daily. We can all do this.

todd121
Posts: 495
Joined: Dec 2012

I agree. Just do the next thing in front of you.

My mom found a tumor at the same time I did and she will have surgery soon. So I can relate to the ailing parents as well. As soon as I can travel I'm going to see her.

Well, I might freak out a little. Then I take a breath, calm down and pay the bill, or go see the doctor, or whatever!

Todd

todd121
Posts: 495
Joined: Dec 2012

I do have a prescription for Xanax. And I have used it some. Mainly when I can't sleep.

Meditation and gratitude lists is helping. Prayer is helping. Talking here and to my friends and family. All of this helps.

Todd

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Todd,

Its all a part of the process.  Many times the mental healing is much more difficult then the physical part.  You're on this whirlwind from dx to surgery to recovery and your brain never gets a chance to digest it all, now its playing catch up.  Keep doing what you are doing, take it on step at a time, cry when you need to cry, vent when you need to vent, before long it will all be behind you and you will attain a "new normal" where the fear of cancer is only a bit of background noise.  You beat it once and it may never come back, if it does there are therapies available today that weren't just a short time ago and more are in the works.  I think you'll find your kids to be a great source of strength and support, I know I did and mine were 28 to 33.

Hang in there,

Gary

Joe_fh
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2012

Hey Todd .. When you find the combination required to break through to 'peace of mind' with this thing, please share.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Joe,

Mostly it takes time and getting good reports from those first follow-ups, but your perspective on life and what really matters has probably been altered forever.  True "peace of mind" takes work and understanding of what you can and cannot control, plus the ability to concentrate only on what you can change, anything else is wasted time and effort.

Wishing you health and happiness,

Gary

I am alive
Posts: 212
Joined: Jul 2012

Todd,

  I promise you will get to that place where cancer no longer defines your life. It takes time. After a while you realize that life goes on and none of us knows when we will die, even in the best of circumstances. Others on this thread have offered eloquent insight and advice but I just thought I'd throw this out, a quote describing "fortitude" in a book I'm reading - Wolf Hall, by Hilary Mantel, about, of all things, Thomas Cromwell during the reign of Henry XVIII in the 1500s. In the book Cromwell says "(Fortitude) doesn't mean courage in battle....It means fixity of purpose. It means endurance. It means having the strength to live with what constrains us." Now that's a take on living with cancer that speaks to me! We're fixed on managing it. We endure. We choose to live, in the very best sense. WE are fortitude.

All the best in the New Year,

Peg

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

I think your book may be a bit dodgy Peg - Henry XVIII in the 1500s?  What country was he reigning in? Not England - we've not got past VIII in our Henrys so far (and most of us hope the next monarch will be a William)!

adman's picture
adman
Posts: 257
Joined: Jul 2012

 

the BIG question is what title will surface first...a Richard the 4th or Henry the 9th ;)

 

 

I am alive
Posts: 212
Joined: Jul 2012

I'm experiencing way too many of these "slippages" lately!!!! Yikes. Maybe I'm still making my way through holiday overload. Here's hoping the fog clears!

lizbthmagallon
Posts: 30
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi Todd,

Trust me when I say that you are no burden for your kids. My mom keeps saying sorry for everything, I always tell her not to be. You as parents took care of us, gave us medicine when we were sick, bathe us, stayed up all night to make sure we were okay, took us to the dostor, gave us kisses and hugs when we were sad, NOW its our turn. Keep up with positive thinking.

 

todd121
Posts: 495
Joined: Dec 2012

This was great to hear. Thanks for sharing this perspective.

I was so surprised when my 29-year old son and his wife slept in the room with me the first night following my surgery. My son stayed with me the entire next day and then my younger son come in and took a shift until the next day. I'm so grateful for them both.

It reminds me of the week I spent taking care of my grandmother when she was a few weeks from passing. She didn't think I could do it when I offered to come and stay with her. It was a terrific gift to be able to spend that week with her and take care of her. At the end of the week she complemented me and told me how great I had done and said how much I surprised her. I'm so grateful for that week.

You reminded me of this.

Todd

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I LIKE IT!!!  Thanks Peg.

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