Dec 31, 2012 - 12:44 am
I can go hours now without thinking about the cancer. I can't go a whole day yet, but I can make it most of a day. And when I do think about it, it's usually just as a part of my life, as something that happened to me like so many other good or bad periods of my life.
Except when I hear about the recurrance of cancer after treatment, which wrecks me. Last night was one of those times. I found myself crying and searching the internet for statistics on HPV positive recurrance. Here's what I told myself--out loud--to finally snap myself out of it. I'll probably have to do it again tonight. I feel like I should write it down and post it on the wall somewhere and make myself look at it whenever I start to feel that fear and despair. I wanted to share it here in case it helps someone else.
The survival or recurrance statistics don't mean anything because I have no way of knowing where I fall in them until it either happens to me, or doesn't happen. The odds of the cancer coming back could be 10% or 90% but I have no way of knowing which side of that stat I'm on, so the actual stat doesn't really matter.
Worrying about recurrance doesn't help--it paralyzes me. It stops me from doing the things I should be doing: the things that help me heal. On the other hand, there are things I can do that have a TANGIBLE AND REAL effect on my health and happiness. Am I taking supplements, exercising, drinking coffee, checking my mouth, and getting check-ups on schedule? Have I done the things I should do today that make me feel like my time was well spent with no regrets, like spend time with friends and family, or work on my art project?
If the cancer does come back, would I say, "Wow, I should have spent more time worrying about the cancer coming back?" I don't think so. I believe I would say, "Wow, I wish I had focused more of my time on life instead of worrying about that f-ing cancer."