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Funny Bonz II...

garym's picture
garym
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There was a newly wed couple who were getting their first look at each other's attributes on their first night together. (Science fiction, I know)

Any way, she undressed quickly and jumped into bed, he was somewhat embarresed and moved quite slowly.

First he removed his shoes and socks revealing toes that were twisted and curled.  "What happened to your toes!" the new bride exclaimed.  "I had tolio as a kid." he replied.  "Don't you mean polio/" she said.  "No, tolio is similar to polio, but it only affects the toes."

Next he slowly removed his slacks revealing knarled and bumpy knees.  "And what happened to your knees?" she asked.  "I also had neasels when I was little." he said.  "Don't you mean measels?" she asked.  "No, neasels only affect the knees." he said with a sigh.

Then he removed his under shorts and his bride said "Don't tell me, you had small cox too."

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garym
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A couple that had been married for only a short time and moved, decided to join a local church and made an apointment with the pastor.  After telling him of their desire to join the church the pastor explained that he considered this a big commitment and that all prospective new members must pass a test to be deemed worthy.  He then told them that in order to be accepted they would have to abstain from all phyisical contact for one month.  They agreed to try and made an appointmant for one month later.

After the month had passed they returned for their appointment and the pasrtor asked how things went.  "It started out well said" the man "we thought of several projects to keep our minds off it and help pass the time."  We had been wanting to repaint our apartment and thought that would be a good longer term project to work on."  "Then she dropped the paint brush and when she bent over to pick it up, something came over me and I had to have her so I took right then and there."  "It was our only transgression and we're very sorry, Is there any chance you'll let us join the church?" he asked.  "I'm sorry" came the reply "this test has served us well for a very long time and you are not welcome in our churck."

"Yeah, we're not welcome at WalMart anymore either." he said.

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garym
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My wife and I hosted a holiday dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was
encouraged to bring all their children as well.
All through dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across
from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in
place but, nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went
quiet for her response.
My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see you drink like a fish."

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alice124
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Kid and dog jokes - love 'em Gary. Really cute!

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Texas_wedge
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Dogging Gary again, Alice! You really are asking for it! Don't say you weren't warned!

garym's picture
garym
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Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a porrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You are a stupid bird, why don't you just shut up and die!"

To which the bird replied, "Get'im Killer!"

------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking st the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course....at least he'll stop yapping after you let him in.

------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "I knew I should have said Mantle?"

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alice124
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You're in good form AND on good behavior!

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garym
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An elderly lady who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the her own dog was a female that was in heat and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and thought she would be able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the she was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was 11:30pm, she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

 After she explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his e***tion and be able to withdraw."

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well," The vet replied, "it just bloody -well worked on me!"

garym's picture
garym
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(I swear, I did not change the names on this, but I did clean it up a bit for the censors)

Alice and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Alice went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands everywhere they didn't belong, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!

Alice now very quiet, buttoned up her blouse, and sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to John and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do it?'

John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

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alice124
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Darn Gary - I just now saw this. The speed of CSN has kept me from several of the threads. And that's aggravating. I've already missed three appointments!

garym's picture
garym
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I prescribe multiple...err...sessions until you catch up...

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Texas_wedge
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There, Alice - I did warn you!  Are your ribs hurting as much as mine?

Thanks, Gary - as usual, every one a winner.

 

garym's picture
garym
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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!

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garym
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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R"!

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!

garym's picture
garym
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God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts.

"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

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foxhd
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I may have mentioned this before, but I have a friend who uses viagra. Not for his sex life. It keeps him from rolling out of bed at night!

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garym
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I have a friend who tried it once, it got caught in his throat when he tried to swallow it and he wound up with a stiff neck.

------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the drugstore robbery where all they was the Viagra?

Police remain on the lookout for hardened criminals.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the old man who brought an Rx for Viagra to the pharmacy.  As the pharmacist was filling the Rx he asked if the pills could be cut in half and the pharmacist complied.  He then asked if they could be cut in half again and again the pharmacist complied.  When he asked yet again if they could be cut in half once more the pharmacist told him that such a small dose would not be very affective.  The old man replied "I don't want it for sex, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes."

garym's picture
garym
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Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is
700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are
120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician
is
0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:
Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.
is
80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups,
is
1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner
is
.0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends
to this
alarming threat.

We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

            Out of concern for the public at large,
the statistics on
lawyers were withheld

for fear the shock would cause

people to panic and seek medical attention!

garym's picture
garym
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Beverly is 90 years old. She's played golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago. 
          

One day she arrives home looking sad.
"That's it,"she tells her husband. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Beverly, "your a hundred and three. You can't help."
 
"I may be a hundred and three", says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her husband, Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
 
She turns to Gus says, "Did you see the ball?"
 
"Of course I did!" replied Gus. "I have perfect eyesight".
 
" Well, where did it go?" says Beverly.
 
"I don't remember." Gus answered

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garym
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over
and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1.)  Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2.)  Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3.)  Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4.)  Give more.
5.)  Expect less.

 
NOW . . . . .

Here's the end of the story . . .
The donkey later came back and bit
the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the
farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you!

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garym
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A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
 

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.


'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

 

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
 
 

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
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Texas_wedge
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Are you never troubled by the geometric progression in the number of stitches you're busting? Wink

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garym
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When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

 

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ' Women and children first ' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier . I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking; where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

garym's picture
garym
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A reporter asked Bill Clinton "How's Hillary's head?"

 

"Well" he said "she's no Monica."

garym's picture
garym
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He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I
sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the
guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly
to the guy's table and said with a laugh
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is
thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500
FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT 'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how
to screw people".

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Texas_wedge
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While it's frightening how quickly Fridays come round these days, we know it will always be a good day so long as you're around.

I'd love to know how much of this you make up yourself but I guess we'll never find out.  The compendium of quotes may be something you've found but the last two priceless messages above I choose to think you made up yourself. 

Whatever the truth may be I'm going to ensure that many more of my friends get to enjoy them asap.

[By the way, I hope for your sake that you never need a lawyer!!]

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garym
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Only a few are originals, most are gleaned.

Here's an original; (My wife didn't see the humor)

MICHIGAN WINTER

I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Michigan. 

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

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garym
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Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. 
 
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as  the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and  embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
 
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
 
NASA responded with a one-line memo --
 
"Defrost the chicken."
(True Story)

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garym
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Thought everyone might want to get in on this early;

A Canadian engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

The business is growing fast and doing very well.

He Says "Prophets are going through the roof."

(You really should have seen this coming)

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garym
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garym's picture
garym
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Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
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No links to the pics and who is Maxine?

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

  She's pretty popular over here, a bit about her origin is seen below, enjoy


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Hummmmmm! How True. 
  


 


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Creator 
Of Maxine
 
http://pressroom.hallmark.com/Multimedia/Item/John-Wagner  

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when 'fill in the pumpkins' was about the extent of his art classes at St. John's Catholic School in Leonia, N.J. 
 
 
  
John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the  Vesper   George   School   of Art in  Boston   and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group.   But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John's professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

'Cartoonists are sensitive to the insanities of the world; we just try to humanize them,' John says.    'If Maxine can get a laugh out of someone who feels lonely or someone who is getting older and hates the thought of another birthday, or if she can make someone chuckle about stressful interpersonal relationships, then I'm happy.  Putting a smile on someone's face is what it's all about.'

Those smiles have led to Maxine's becoming a bit of a celebrity. She (and John) have been the subject of media stories, including People, USA Today, Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, St. Petersburg (FL) Times, and Las Vegas Journal-Review, and they have been included in a major  Associated Press story.  Collector and trade publications have reported fans nationwide are collecting Maxine items. Letters from consumers and fans to John and Maxine reveal a very personal connection to Maxine
 
Many people say they are just like her.  

Why the name 'Maxine'? 'People at Shoebox started referring to the character as 'John Wagner's old lady,' and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,' John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested 'Maxine'.  John says the name is perfect.

John, who says he's humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he's

proud of her.

Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.   

SOME NEW MAXINES !!!

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garym's picture
garym
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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's
Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long
meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the
boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.When the young woman
sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any more.

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garym
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An older gentleman was sitting at the bar minding his own business when three attractive young ladies came in and sat down next to him.

Looking to get a rise out of the old man, the girls began talking about what it must have been like to have been born 60 ago and how much smarter and well informed today's young people are in comparison.

A good natured discussion ensued with barbs being tossed back and forth when the old man said "There are things my generation knows that have completely slipped away from the techno generation of today."  "Such as?" the girls asked.  "Well for instance," he said "I'll bet the three of you the whole nights bar tab that with a simple breast examination I can tell each of you when you were born."  The girls decided this was impossible and agreed.

After several minutes of poking, prodding, tweaking, and a kiss or two while bouncing eagerly from one girl to the next and back again the girls said it had been long enough and demanded that he tell them when they were born or get prepared to pay a large tab as they were just getting started on the night.

"That's easy, you were all born yesterday." he said with a smile as he ordered a round for the house.

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garym
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I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool the other day.

 

The lifeguard shouted so loudly at me, I nearly fell in.

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garym
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A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms and no legs.
 
Three women, the first was from England, the second Wales, and the third was Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.
 
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a nice warm hug and walked on.
 
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a gentle kiss and walked on.
 
The Irish woman came to him and said, "'Av ya ever been fooked before, laddie?"
 
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No I haven't".
She said, "Aye Lad, ya will be when the tide comes in."

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alice124
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but a little bad, particularly with that cute child next to it.  (That's what I really want to know is about your new pic. If you identified, I missed it. So cute. . .)

Also, am I the only one losing the margin between post and blue moniker area as thread gets longer? Writing in post seems to bleed into blue area making it more difficult to read. Just me?

 

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garym
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You're the first to comment/ask about the new pic...as you've probably guessed, that's the real me on the left, the blondie is unrelated.

I've had no marginal issues, but there does seem to be some odd glitches since the upgrade began, perhaps (and I hope) everything will be worked out in the near future.

Keep the faith.

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garym
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.    "Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and  feet."        He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks them over very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."     The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

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 First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said,"Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."

Adam said,"What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

 

And Adam said.....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?"

 

 

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Texas_wedge
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The stock of politicians isn't at its highest these days in the UK but I gather the same is true of the US?

 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're

           asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse
          
           them all in gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car,
           collecting donations."

          "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

           The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

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STORY OF ELIJAH   

 

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.  And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"  

 

  A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

 

LOT 'S WIFE

 

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

 

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" 

 

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

 

DID NOAH FISH?

 

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

 

"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

 

HIGHER POWER

 

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.  Can anybody tell me what it is?"  One child blurted out, "Aces!"

 

MOSES &THE RED SEA

 

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

 

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." 

 

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

 

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

 

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

 

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

 

 

Church Smiles

 

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her  brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

 

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

 

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...   

 

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.

 

Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''

 

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.  He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

 

 

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He left home around 8:30am to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door, he answered his wife’s
“What time will you be home?” question with “Probably around 1:30 – I’ll have lunch at the club.”
1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage,
and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.
 
"We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."
 
His wife looked him right in the eye and said "Don't bulls**t me -- you played 36 holes, didn't you?”
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garym
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Why men prefer guns over women...

 

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

 

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garym
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Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs
 
Lady: How much per 6 pack
 
Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years
 
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
 
Man: Correct
 
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
 
Man: Correct
 
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?
 
Man: Do you drink?
 
Lady: No
 
Man: So where's your Ferrari?

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garym
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An old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an

armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?' he said.

The old man replied,

 
'Yep, none of us could get the lid off.'
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Texas_wedge
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You have to wonder who writes the leaflets that accompany drugs.  Some are hilarious - intentionally or innocently?

I've just had my BP med changed and minutes ago took the first dose, AFTER reading the leaflet thoroughly - it's a laugh a minute!

I particularly enjoyed the advice to tell your doctor or pharmacist if you notice  "an increase in the frequency and amount of urination" - the drug is a diuretic - I'd have thought you'd want to tell them if you didn't notice those changes!

Best of all is this detail in the explanation of possible side-effects:

 "...inability to maintain an erection, dizziness on standing..." 

I would like to think that that was written tongue in cheek but I fear not since the user is also advised to report "if you notice"  "low blood levels of chloride ions with increased alkalinity in the body (hypochloraemic alkalosis)"  - I'll have to make a particular point of watching out for low levels of chloride ions in "the" body.

However, there is some practical advice too.  My Wife enquired last night whether I was going to take my new medication before retiring.  I was dog-tired after little sleep the previous night and had spent the evening with my entire fluid intake being wine and espresso (following a good scan - see blog) so I was glad that I'd read:  "Swallow the tablets with water in the morning (to avoid frequent urination at night)."  I was glad I didn't start it last night.  It's reminiscent of Gary's advice not to take sedatives and laxatives simultaneously!

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