Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since my best friend, soul mate and husband died from metastatic melanoma. It was Thanksgiving day at 12:15 pm that he left us. My children and I were with him, standing around his hospice bed and telling him how much we loved him, he stretched out his arms and exhaled one last time. It was a peaceful ending for him and for that I am thankful but now I am so lost and the pain just never seems to end. I can't believe I have to be here without him and I don't know how I am supposed to continue on without him. He was my everything, my very best friend, the one person who I could tell everything to and not worry about being judged or called crazy. He was my rock and helped me through some nearly impossible times in my life and now I have this huge, gaping hole in my life, half of me is dead. He was only 42 years old, his kids still need him, I still need him and this is such bullshit. I know if it were not for my kids, I could not bear the pain I am in every day now. This is all just so unreal some times. I just feel lost and alone.
My kids are all old enough to understand that Christmas is just not going to happen in this house this year. I mean, I can't even fathom how that day will be and then of course New Years, that's our wedding anniversary, we would have been married for 22 years!!! We knew each other for 2 years before we got married; how the hell do you deal with loosing someone you knew for more that half your life!?!?!?!? I just don't understand how the hell I am supposed to live without him. We had so many plans for the future and he fought so damn hard to beat that monster that was eating away at him. We both thought he would beat it and when he was put into hospice in Oct. we still were fighting for him to stay here for as long as he could and he did, but that nasty beast was just too strong, stronger than my beautiful husband.
When I went to the funeral home, the day after he died, my wonderful, brave 16 year old son (our youngest) went with me, thank God. He was so strong for his poor mother, he also went with me to pick up my husbands ashes. i am making sure I do not lean on him too much, after all this was his father and I am sure watching his mother loose her mind at times is hard enough. I try and hide most of my pain, but at times it is hard and I can't hold it in all the time. All my kids have been great and very helpful. And as a family we are strong, but in the early morning hours, I just feel so alone. I know I am not alone, there are plenty of us who have lost loved ones, but still I sit in my room and look at my husbands urn and I don't feel his presence and that is the worst. I know he is watching over us but I needed him here. I just want him back.
He did not want a funeral, he wanted me to have a party for him on his birthday, I know I am not strong enough to do that, but we are having a "celebrate Tommy" party in January. It will be hard, but maybe it will help to have a lot of people who knew and loved him around, sharing memories and tears. I just don't know and I can't stand to call myself his "widow" I never thought it was an ugly word until now..... Angie, Tom Kadera's wife