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Missing my husband

AngKad42
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2011

Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since my best friend, soul mate and husband died from metastatic melanoma. It was Thanksgiving day at 12:15 pm that he left us. My children and I were with him, standing around his hospice bed and telling him how much we loved him, he stretched out his arms and exhaled one last time. It was a peaceful ending for him and for that I am thankful but now I am so lost and the pain just never seems to end. I can't believe I have to be here without him and I don't know how I am supposed to continue on without him. He was my everything, my very best friend, the one person who I could tell everything to and not worry about being judged or called crazy. He was my rock and helped me through some nearly impossible times in my life and now I have this huge, gaping hole in my life, half of me is dead. He was only 42 years old, his kids still need him, I still need him and this is such bullshit. I know if it were not for my kids, I could not bear the pain I am in every day now. This is all just so unreal some times. I just feel lost and alone.
My kids are all old enough to understand that Christmas is just not going to happen in this house this year. I mean, I can't even fathom how that day will be and then of course New Years, that's our wedding anniversary, we would have been married for 22 years!!! We knew each other for 2 years before we got married; how the hell do you deal with loosing someone you knew for more that half your life!?!?!?!? I just don't understand how the hell I am supposed to live without him. We had so many plans for the future and he fought so damn hard to beat that monster that was eating away at him. We both thought he would beat it and when he was put into hospice in Oct. we still were fighting for him to stay here for as long as he could and he did, but that nasty beast was just too strong, stronger than my beautiful husband.
When I went to the funeral home, the day after he died, my wonderful, brave 16 year old son (our youngest) went with me, thank God. He was so strong for his poor mother, he also went with me to pick up my husbands ashes. i am making sure I do not lean on him too much, after all this was his father and I am sure watching his mother loose her mind at times is hard enough. I try and hide most of my pain, but at times it is hard and I can't hold it in all the time. All my kids have been great and very helpful. And as a family we are strong, but in the early morning hours, I just feel so alone. I know I am not alone, there are plenty of us who have lost loved ones, but still I sit in my room and look at my husbands urn and I don't feel his presence and that is the worst. I know he is watching over us but I needed him here. I just want him back.
He did not want a funeral, he wanted me to have a party for him on his birthday, I know I am not strong enough to do that, but we are having a "celebrate Tommy" party in January. It will be hard, but maybe it will help to have a lot of people who knew and loved him around, sharing memories and tears. I just don't know and I can't stand to call myself his "widow" I never thought it was an ugly word until now..... Angie, Tom Kadera's wife

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grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

I don't have any magic words that will help. I just want you to know that I can feel your pain. I know that most of this is your attempt to deal with your loss. I know, too, that right now nothing I can say will make you believe that this will get better. For me it has. I had many of the same feelings and questions three years ago. From the day my husband was diagnosed and still today, I hear in my head the phrase, "We were supposed to grow old together." Losing your husband, no matter how long you were married, was not part of your plan. The word widow still makes me twinge when I have to mark it on some paper work. Oh, yeah, there is all kinds of paper work you have to deal with, too. I still have some of that. I think I have taken his name off everything important, and I get asked once again to send a death certificate to someone. I think this time of year will always be hard, but it has gotten easier. It will never be the same. Somehow, we do learn to move forward. At first, and your grief is still very new, it is just a matter of getting through each day, each hour, and sometimes each minute. You know you can do it. Yes, we are strong women. Those we lost are still with us in so many ways. I was married for 42 years, twice the years that I was single. He helped make me who I am today. We produced this amazing family. He didn't choose to leave me, and like your husband, fought to live just as long as he could to be with us. We can find some comfort in that. Take care of yourself and your wonderful children now. You were loved. You are still loved, and you are loving. If those guys of ours had been real S.O.B's we wouldn't care. We were truly blessed by having them here with us as long as we did. It is never long enough, though. Fay

cindysuetoyou's picture
cindysuetoyou
Posts: 508
Joined: Dec 2009

Angie, I'm so sorry and so heartbroken for you and your family. I went to your 'expressions" area and read your account about Tom's diagnosis and then the brain surgery. I felt like I was there when it happened--you wrote so passionately and so vividly. I'm weeping for you. I don't have any words that will help but I want you to know that I care about you and your family and I'm praying for strength for you all.

There's never a "good time" to lose someone, but Thanksgiving Day? Right before Christmas? I remember reading in your earlier post that Tom was fighting to be here through the holidays, and it breaks my heart that he died on Thanksgiving, right before Christmas. I thought losing David in October was terrible....I feel like I should be a little grateful now. I hope that you and your awesome kids and your extended family can help you even a little as you face these holidays which will surely be the hardest ones of your lives.

You and your husband had a wonderful relationship....he must have been an incredible man. I know that you are an incredible woman. I am so very deeply sorry that he isn't here with you. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I really believe in Heaven and I am fighting with everything in me to think about David and about Tom being in a better place, free from pain and sorrow and suffering, and that we will be reunited some day. I know that this probably doesn't bring you much comfort right now, and honestly, sometimes it doesn't help me at all, but I'm hoping that you and I will reach a point someday in the future where we will find comfort in this belief.

Love, blessings, peace, and strength to you,
Cindy in Salem, OR
PS Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Angie,

You aren't alone. So many of us have gone through losing the love of our life. Me & my hubby knew each other since we were in 1st grade. Started dating when we were Seniors in H.S. We were married for 46 years, so I felt the day he died, Mar. 25, 2010 that I had died too. No one knows what it's like to be alone unless you go through it. My hubby had been diagnosed in Jan. with lung cancer, with a few cells in his brain & spine. He had radiation on his brain & spine and things were looking good. Then started chemo, one of which was Avastin. Only had 2 treatments and then got one of the "very rare" side effects and hemmorraged to death. He had been good till 10:00 that night. I was alone with him & screamed and felt so helpless. The paramedics tried to save him, but couldn't. I have 3 wonderful children & 3 grandsons and great friends that help alot. I also saw a therapist for 10 months and was on meds. Can't believe 3 years have almost gone by, but still miss him so much every day. So try & be strong for your kids & get help if you need it.  Take care. This is a great site and you'll always have support from all of us.             "Carole"

 

donnare
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Angie,

I am Donna, Brian's wife.  I lost Brian on November 28 to colon cancer.    I am feeling just like you.  I miss Brian every minute of every day, and I cannot imagine how I will ever be okay.  I have two daughters - 22 and 24 - and I am doing my best to keep it together for them, but sometimes it hurts so bad, and I feel so alone that I wish I had died right along with him.

I am sorry for your loss and as Tina said in another thread, even though I cannot imagine it, I hope that someday we will all be able to smile again.

Donna

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