Dec 08, 2012 - 1:01 am
I'm not sure if this is where I should be putting this or what I should be doing. But I feel like I need to seek some kind of advice or whatever it is I'm looking for somewhere... so forgive me if this is the wrong forum or area.
My name is Ashley and I'm 22. My mother was diagnosed with throat cancer, not very long ago. It was so recent she hasn't even begun treatment. We don't even know very much at all, just that it's cancer and it's at least stage 3, possibly 4. We won't know much more until the 19th and the waiting is terrible... I don't know where to begin. I had been living in NJ for 3 years and my mom was in FL. Recently my fiancé and myself bought a house and moved to Florida to be near my mom, and a few weeks later she was diagnosed with cancer. Prior to this, she had been sick for awhile. Her voice was hoarse, she was losing weight... and her doctor did nothing. He said it was sinus', from smoking, allergies... everything under the sun. I had, had enough and found her another doctor. Before I did this, she has been alone. My father is not exactly around. He has been in jail because he has a drug addiction along with mental issues, and my siblings are not very 'loving or kind.' They barely speak to her and have gone years without talking to her. But me, my mom is my best friend. My go to person when something bad happens, I always told her the truth as a kid... we have an extremely close relationship. What this basically is meaning is, other than my fiancé, her care falls solely on me. I want to take care of her, I'm just so terrified. I feel angry, angry at my family for not being there. Angry at the doctor for not helping her. Angry at myself for not being here sooner. Angry at her for not getting a new doctor. I want to be, and mostly feel, very hopeful. I have heard amazing, touching stories, I have talked with her and she has extremely strong faith and believes God is with her and says she can feel him. But a part of me cannot feel the hope, and want so badly to believe there is something bigger and greater out there. I am so scared of being alone in this, and I'm so scared of losing my mom.
Today the doctor told us possible options, and that if it is in fact stage 4, she could only have 6 months to a year. I know there's never enough time, but I'm not ready to lose her. I know I never will be but right now I can't lose her. I feel selfish even saying that. I'm trying to hold onto hope to what the doctor said, about how they will know more soon, and how there are so many options. I want her there when I get married. I haven't even spent a Christmas or birthday with her in years. This was the first Thanksgiving in a long time... And the more I type, the more selfish I feel. But I'm so overwhelmed with fear of doing this alone, fear of not doing the things with her we had planned, fear of losing my mom. And anger, sadness, confusion, and a lot of 'why her?' It's not even why me, but why her? She's so wonderful, loving, giving.
I'm scared hearing statistics and time limits... They terrify me and I don't understand them. What do they mean? Does this mean I WILL lose my mom? And soon? Does this mean if she does die, will she be sick the last bit of her life? Do survival rates and time limits REALLY matter, even from a doctor?
I'm just lost, and could use some advice from someone who has been through this. I apologize if I'm rambling or sound childish.