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No mention of seeing the Dr....

cinreag
Posts: 154
Joined: Oct 2012

Some may remember my previous post about having to cancel my 3 month bloodwork/onc appointment in Nov.
My husband was leaving for a hunting trip and raised all kinds of stink about giving me the money to pay for the appointment. He has been back home for over two Weeks and has not mentioned my canceled appointments.
My parents and sister are sick over this. My mom is asking me to let her and dad pay for my appointment.
I am 47 years old and I make no $. I am a housewife. My husband makes and controls all the $ in our household. My name is not on any bank accounts, I cant sneak the money out of bill money because he handles all of that.
I wont let my mom & dad pay for my Dr. visits. They gave me $250 back in 2010, when I first got sick and my husband has never mentioned paying it back.
I have been filling out applications trying to get work but so far am hearing nothing about them. There are only certain jobs that I feel like I could do because I sometimes lose control of my bowels(no cramping, no warning to get to the restroom). I couldnt be running a cash register or working on an assembly line because there will be times when I may just have to walk away from the job to take care of my personal bathroom issues. Im feeling hopeless. I filled out an app for a part time position to be a dog bather at a local dog detailing business yesterday. I love dogs. They love unconditionally.
I know these posts of mine make my husband out to be a monster and the truth is he is not a monster. Lots of people know him and like him. They think he takes good care of me.
I am going to ask for money for Christmas hoping he will give me enough to at least make my monthly payment to the cancer center where I go and to pay the Dr consultation fee.
I mentioned to him that a lady on this forum was willing to Really dont know what to do..... with him about health insurance and he just looked at me and had absolutely no response.
Really dont know what to do.......

cinreag
Posts: 154
Joined: Oct 2012

What the next to the last sentence was supposed to say...I told him that there is a lady on this forum who is willing to talk to him about health insurance and he just looked at me and didnt even bother to respond.

thxmiker's picture
thxmiker
Posts: 1198
Joined: Oct 2010

It may be time to have some counselling with your spouse. If you two are not a team and are not going to support each other, what is the point?

We have had our issues. My wife and I sat down and talked it out. Her family would tell her evil thoughts and bad mouth me. I told her they do not even know me, I have provided, and if we are not going to be a team, we are wasting each other's time.

Health for your family extends to him and your children as well. Many States have a discounted insurance for self employed people to go to County General System. They figure it is better to have people pay something back to the County General then nothing at all.

Many Oncologists told us, it is our responsibility to get me healthy, and their responsibility to find the funding for me. They did not know our insurance or anything about us when they told us. We do have very good insurance and are able to get the cre that I need. We just always thought it was a great attitude. Maybe looking at the Christian Based Hospitals may be a good thing. Saint Johns, Good Samaritan, etc... University Hospitals are good about helping people also.

Best A;ways, mike

devotion10's picture
devotion10
Posts: 642
Joined: Jan 2010

I have been thinking about how to respond to your recent posts regarding your inability to get your needed follow-up blood work that monitors your CEA level because your husband will not give you the necessary money ...

I see you joined the site last month and I can sense your distress. You have shared with us that you are in a relationship with your husband where he provides you a place to live and food but is unwilling to provide the money for you to see a medical doctor.

Please consider that monitoring your health after your cancer diagnosis is important. It is essential that you receive follow-up care. As you most likely know, an elevated CEA level is a blood marker that is one indicator your cancer that was surgically removed in 2010 may have returned either at the original site or some place else in your body. Verifying this early allows you to be treated and can improve survival dramatically.

It seems you are in Indiana ... that is what I surmise from reading some of your other emails. Listed below are some resources that may be of help to you.

Financial Assistance in Indiana:
St.Vincent Hospital (www.stvincent.org) is committed to caring for all people, regardless of their ability to pay for services. If you have financial concerns or you feel you may be unable to pay for part or all of your medical services, you may contact a Financial Counselor at (317) 338-8035.

Financial Assistance General:
Guidance for underinsured or uninsured people who are having difficulty finding and getting the care they need. From the Cancer Survival Toolbox, National Coalition of Cancer Survivorship.
(877) NCCS-YES


Healthwell Foundation
 helps people who cannot afford their copayments, coinsurance, and premiums for medical treatments.
(800) 675-8416


I fear that you may be in a destructive relationship in which your husband has a need to control you by preventing you access to money. This is abuse and it is not acceptable. You have a right to not be treated this way. Obviously we cannot tell you what to do with your relationship with your husband. I hope that you are safe. You have spoken of having parents and other family members who care about you. I encourage you to surround yourself if you can with people who make you feel safe and supported.
Call the agency below for support:
Indiana Family Help Line
1-855-435-7178

I wish you the very best as you move forward.

Cynthia

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2884
Joined: Jan 2010

If I recall correctly and read this recent post correctly, your husband is self-employed and has no medical insurance. He also has stopped giving you money to pay for your medical visits and treatments. You say others like him and think he treats you well.

How others see your life and relationship with your husband is of no consequence at all. It is how he treats you and your opinion that counts in the relatonship. Having to beg for money from him to get medical attention is just so wrong.

What you have to do is analyze your total relationship with your husband. If he cares so little for your health and well being, I have to wonder what he does do that would make you stay.

It is admirable that you are trying to find work to fund insurance or medical care on your own, but like it or not, as your legal spouse it is his responsibility as well...not just from a moral perspective but also from a legal persepctive.

You definately have some deep soul searching to do and difficult decisions to make.

I wish you the best as you come to terms with all this.

Marie who loves kitties

cinreag
Posts: 154
Joined: Oct 2012

He provides a roof over my head, food, clothing and Im not living on the streets.
I would literally have to bum or let my family support me. My family loves me but its no longer their job to tale care of me.
Our children are grown and on their own.
Only the people closest to us know he doesnt want to take care of the medical bills.
I know this is really hard for people to understand it is hard for me to understand.

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Cin, since you have to income of your own and your name is not on any bank accounts, have you considered going to the state for medical assistance? Have you filed for Social Security Disability I'm not sure, but I believe that a cancer diagnosis qualifies for 100%.

As for what he provides, the state will do the same thing via food stamps, medical care and Section 8 housing. Don't let pride get in the way; you need help and you need fast. Please consider these options. And as Miss Kitty mentioned above, you need to do serious soul searching and marriage counseling to get your husband to undo the anal-cranial inversion he's got going on and provide you with the "love and support, in sickness and in health" that is in so many marriage vows.

My prayers are with you.

Doc

Varmint5's picture
Varmint5
Posts: 371
Joined: Feb 2012

"Roof over my head, food, clothing and Im not living on the streets" is not much of a basis for a marriage. You said he has not mentioned those appointments. Have you mentioned them or asked for the money? Sounds like you might have some communication issues as well. Good luck to you. Sounds like you are going to need it.

Sandy

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4266
Joined: Jun 2009

I have to agree with Marie here....she said it nicer than I would have.

Public perception is valueless...he's even got you convinced he's doing the right thing.

My dad lived 82 years telling each person a different story, so they only knew what he told them...he was admired and revered by all....ALL, except those that knew him all of his life that he hurt....and the ones he hurt at the end, when all of his stories came unraveled.

CONTROL is the issue here...he has it...and you don't...marriage percentages are supposed to somewhere near the 50-50 mark....not 100-0.

Medical follow up is important....I lapsed a few years ago...money related...I cancelled everything, surgery included....an angel came to my rescue and paid for my scan...revealed big trouble...lost the next 18 months of my life in all kinds of ways.

Hunting more important than you are? Perhaps, it's time to to take another look.

My wife and I have been through all sorts of stuff in our 8.6 years of fighting and living with cancer....we've fought and argued...and hurt one another...but we've always been a team...never one on one side - and you on the other.

Tell him to pull his head out of his a$$ and take a look at the bigger picture - and maybe we can even save some animal's life too by sparing them from your husband's rifle scope.

Your husband has his priorities all twisted and he's got you tied up with it too.

It's upsetting to read stories like these...

Remind him that when the minister said "In sickeness and in health..." that both of you looked at one another and nodded "I Do" in front God and the entire congreation of gatherers.

Is this what his word is worth?

People that pretend to be one thing to the outside world and then take a dump on their loved ones is what irritates me the most...it is BETRAYAL in its most sincerest form.

And then he gets to skate...you know, because folks think "he is great."

Perhaps, it's time to shatter that illusion. Wish I was there...I would "edumacate" that son of a gun for you - for free.

I hope it gets better and thank you so much for your openness in discussing your situation. I'm sending Empowerment your way so that you will continue to find the strength to stand in there for yourself.

If he won't help you...I know you will be able to help yourself...and the gift may be to find that in the end...you won't need him...at all.

Peace and strength to you.

P.S. One other thing I wanted to mention...know you don't want to accept help from your folks...I get that...we all do.

But, here's the thing...sometimes in this Life, you have to swallow your pride and let someone help you...it's not a sign of weakness; rather, it's a sign of strength that you recognize the seriousness of the situation and you can put your pride aside to let those that love you help.

These are your parents...and they are concerned...take their help now...pay back if you can...if not, "Pay It Forward" to another lost soul one day...some folks really want to help...and your parents love you.

They'd rather help you your scan - than to help you with your funeral.

I don't mean to be rough - just keepin' it real...and I feel for you.

Take the help...we all have to have it somewhere in this life...being a martyr gets you nowhere...I've done it...it's overrated.

Read again what happened to me when I blew my follow-ups off...please don't do this.

Reschedule it...and worry about paying when you can.

-Craig

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2172
Joined: Oct 2011

but do you know what the laws are in your state concerning community property? Here in WA, all income and property in a marriage is held in common by both spouses (unless you had a pre-nuptial agreement). Depending on the laws in your state, half of the money in that bank account may very well be yours from a legal perspective. Have you thought about talking to a lawyer about this? Most states have organizations that will provide legal advice for free or for very low fees, based on your income. It may be difficult to get any kind of government help, if your husband has high enough income to support you, and is just choosing not to do so. Health care, especially for a person who has had cancer, is critical, so I really hope you can figure out a way to get the help you need. Ann Alexandria

smokeyjoe
Posts: 1428
Joined: Feb 2011

Basically what I was thinking has been said by everyone else. I looked at your page and I see you only had one chemo. treatment, was that because of funding or was it your decision that chemo. wasn't the way YOU wanted to deal with this. I would check and see what government services are available for you. Call a cancer support group they may be able to lead you in the right direction with contacts.

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2884
Joined: Jan 2010

As long as you are legally married with no legal separation order, any requests for financial or medical assistance will have to include his income. The law considers him as responsible as you when it comes to these matters.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 4190
Joined: Feb 2009

So sorry that you are going through this. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for treating you the way he does and why should you ask for money for Christmas so you can go to a doctor's appointment and get a blood draw - who the heck wants that for Christmas. He should be providing those for you anyway. Keeping a roof over your house is not being a good husband. Sounds like he got to do what he wanted by going hunting and using money that way. Please consider your relationship and check into the suggestions above about getting some assistance. You can also talk to your hospital to see if they can reduce the amount they would normally charge. What would your husband say or do if by neglecting your health you get much worse, would he feel bad then? My heart breaks for you. I'm hoping you get to that doctor's appointment soon.

Kim

Chelsea71
Posts: 1167
Joined: Sep 2012

So sorry you're going through all of this. I would suggest you make seeing the doctor a priority. Your other problems are secondary your cancer. Half of everything is yours. Find the money and get to the doctor. You've got to stay ahead of the cancer. I hope you continue to seek employment. It will be good for you to have your own money but also good for your self-esteem. Wishing you the very best of luck.

Chelsea

devotion10's picture
devotion10
Posts: 642
Joined: Jan 2010

I have been thinking about how to respond to your recent posts regarding your inability to get your needed follow-up blood work that monitors your CEA level because your husband will not give you the necessary money ...

I see you joined the site last month and I can sense your distress. You have shared with us that you are in a relationship with your husband where he provides you a place to live and food but is unwilling to provide the money for you to see a medical doctor.

Please consider that monitoring your health after your cancer diagnosis is important. It is essential that you receive follow-up care. As you most likely know, an elevated CEA level is a blood marker that is one indicator your cancer that was surgically removed in 2010 may have returned either at the original site or some place else in your body. Verifying this early allows you to be treated and can improve survival dramatically.

It seems you are in Indiana ... that is what I surmise from reading some of your other emails. Listed below are some resources that may be of help to you.

Financial Assistance in Indiana:
St.Vincent Hospital (www.stvincent.org) is committed to caring for all people, regardless of their ability to pay for services. If you have financial concerns or you feel you may be unable to pay for part or all of your medical services, you may contact a Financial Counselor at (317) 338-8035.

Financial Assistance General:
Guidance for underinsured or uninsured people who are having difficulty finding and getting the care they need. From the Cancer Survival Toolbox, National Coalition of Cancer Survivorship.
(877) NCCS-YES

Healthwell Foundation
helps people who cannot afford their copayments, coinsurance, and premiums for medical treatments.
(800) 675-8416

I fear that you may be in a destructive relationship in which your husband has a need to control you by preventing you access to money. This is abuse and it is not acceptable. You have a right to not be treated this way. Obviously we cannot tell you what to do with your relationship with your husband. I hope that you are safe. You have spoken of having parents and other family members who care about you. I encourage you to surround yourself if you can with people who make you feel safe and supported.
Call the agency below for support:
Indiana Family Help Line
1-855-435-7178

I wish you the very best as you move forward.

Cynthia

devotion10's picture
devotion10
Posts: 642
Joined: Jan 2010

I have been thinking about how to respond to your recent posts regarding your inability to get your needed follow-up blood work that monitors your CEA level because your husband will not give you the necessary money ...

I see you joined the site last month and I can sense your distress. You have shared with us that you are in a relationship with your husband where he provides you a place to live and food but is unwilling to provide the money for you to see a medical doctor.

Please consider that monitoring your health after your cancer diagnosis is important. It is essential that you receive follow-up care. As you most likely know, an elevated CEA level is a blood marker that is one indicator your cancer that was surgically removed in 2010 may have returned either at the original site or some place else in your body. Verifying this early allows you to be treated and can improve survival dramatically.

It seems you are in Indiana ... that is what I surmise from reading some of your other emails. Listed below are some resources that may be of help to you.

Financial Assistance in Indiana:
St.Vincent Hospital (www.stvincent.org) is committed to caring for all people, regardless of their ability to pay for services. If you have financial concerns or you feel you may be unable to pay for part or all of your medical services, you may contact a Financial Counselor at (317) 338-8035.

Financial Assistance General:
Guidance for underinsured or uninsured people who are having difficulty finding and getting the care they need. From the Cancer Survival Toolbox, National Coalition of Cancer Survivorship.
(877) NCCS-YES

Healthwell Foundation
helps people who cannot afford their copayments, coinsurance, and premiums for medical treatments.
(800) 675-8416

I fear that you may be in a destructive relationship in which your husband has a need to control you by preventing you access to money. This is abuse and it is not acceptable. You have a right to not be treated this way. Obviously we cannot tell you what to do with your relationship with your husband. I hope that you are safe. You have spoken of having parents and other family members who care about you. I encourage you to surround yourself if you can with people who make you feel safe and supported.
Call the agency below for support:
Indiana Family Help Line
1-855-435-7178

I wish you the very best as you move forward.

Cynthia

Brenda Bricco's picture
Brenda Bricco
Posts: 549
Joined: Aug 2011

I wish you love, respect & peace. I hope you realize that you are 50% of that relationship and that you deserve to have your bills paid if there is funds to pay it.
GOD's blessings to you.

cinreag
Posts: 154
Joined: Oct 2012

There is a lot of helpful information in these replies. Thank you all so much.
Im going to respond to what I can remember, I cant read the replies while I am writing my response. (Im on a phone)
First response to Mike...We went to counseling one time about 15yrs ago. I was considering leaving my marriage then. At the counseling session he answered every question for asked me. The counselor finally asked him to leave the room so I could talk. He gave me copies of CODA papers and said Mrs. Reagin you are married to a very dangerous man. I believe he has changed but I will never know for sure unless I actually left. Not even something that I want to find out, just in case he hasnt changed. I wish he would agree to go to counseling I feel like it could only help. He doesnt think he needs any help. He is sure that Im the one who needs help, mental help, and I think I probably do.
My post is getting too long and my phone may mess up.
I will definately check out the list of places you guys recommended I try.
I know that as my husband he is "legally" responsible also. I know that since we are married half is supposed to be mine "legally". Legally means nothing to him.
Doc Im pretty sure Im healthy enough now to work so dont think I would qualify for disability.
Someone asked if finances were why I quit my chemo treatments, I dont think it was at the time because I had been approved for disability medicaid at that time, the chemo scared me, and a specialist in Indy had said the cancer found in my 2(?) Lymphnodes(sp) didnt worry him, and I felt that my tumor had been removed the cancer was gone I didnt want to risk getting any more sick from the chemo. Hopefully Im not confusing everyone.
Someone mentioned my low self esteem. Yes it is low. Maybe at an all time low and a job would help tremendously. Still hoping for that.
I am planning, after reading your responses, to try to talk to him again about how important it is for me to have these checkups. Maybe I can get through to him somehow. People who care about me have been praying about this situation. I believe it will take Devine intervention to get him to react differently when I bring up the medical bill payment atrangements and the fact that I do need to see the Dr for my checkup. But Im going to eat some crow and bring it up again.
Thank you guys for your responses. They mean a lot to me.
U wish you all the best. You guys are some honest to goodness good people!!

Doc_Hawk's picture
Doc_Hawk
Posts: 685
Joined: Jan 2012

Again, I'm not sure if cancer is automatic 100% nor am I certain on the following. Just because you feel you can hold down a job today does not mean you'll feel the same way in 6 months. That's about how long it takes to get approved or denied for SSDI. The best thing to do on this is to consult with a Social Security Attorney. These are private lawyers and not employees of the Federal government and if you do sign a contract with one, you won't pay a cent until your case is approved. When that happens, they will collect a 25% few of the back pay you'll get. From the time that you file the claim until it is approved, you will accumulate what your eventual monthly payment will be. So you will be nothing out of pocket until then, and 25% is less than other lawyers charge for services.

My experience with SSDI and SSDI lawyers has been pretty positive. I was approved 100% on my first claim (which did take 6 months). I had filed on my own and after about 5 months I was preparing for a denial so I hired an attorney. A day or two after I signed the contract, I was notified of the approval. When I called the lawyers office they said they would shred the contract as soon as they got it in the mail and not charge me a cent. I never went into their office, everything was transacted over the phone and mail.

Just as in medical problems you want to talk with a doctor, in legal matters talk to an attorney and not just take the word of and astrophysicist/historian.

Best wishes, hopes, prayers and good vibrations.

Ray/Doc

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3388
Joined: Apr 2010

To see another woman subjugated by the dominant male. There are so many women like you still out there in this world, and those of us, who once found ourselves in your position and years ago broke away from it, still feel the heartache of what we once went through and for what you are going through..
I heart does so ache for you, for living as the mouse with the lion.
The inside of my nose had been hurting lately, something new and I mentioned it to my aunt when we saw her last month, she mentioned worriedly that she saw a bump and could it be a tumor? I informed her, no, that was when I was married and 17 and the husband of that time had broken it and I had to put it back in place myself, which is why it wasn't put together right. It took me 8 weeks to decide to leave that marriage, from marriage day to the day I left, two days after he broke my nose. I never regretted leaving, I only regretted having stayed with him for 8 weeks. I took enough money for a greyhound bus to my parents town, walked 15 miles up the road by the river to their house and spent 4 days living outside their home since they had taken off without knowing I was coming home on vacation. I, to this day, remember dad's shock at my black eyes, and my telling the lie that I had struck the back of my soon to be ex's helmet when we were riding. That's how I ended up in the Air Force, I ran from my husband to the Air Force to get my life in order, a roof over my head, 3 square meals and money in my pocket. Best decision I ever made. If there is a will, there is a way if you look hard enough.
Your mental pain from your husband is no lesser evil then physical pain from a husband. My heart goes out to you dear.
Winter Marie

JayhawkDan's picture
JayhawkDan
Posts: 206
Joined: Apr 2012

But just echo what others have said. What you're going through is not right, and I hope and pray you can navigate through all this and find a way to cope with everything. Nobody should be treated this way. That type of behavior should never have occurred, but we know it used to be more common. But not today, and not to you. Please look into the resources mentioned by others and I'll be praying for you.

cinreag
Posts: 154
Joined: Oct 2012

You are your own hero or at least you should see it that way. I know that couldnt have been easy.

And thank you for your service to our country. In my opinion you should have the best healthcare provided to you at no charge. All of our service men and women should.

abrub's picture
abrub
Posts: 1528
Joined: Mar 2010

I have to agree with the advice being given here - you are in an abusive relationship. When I mentioned this to my husband, he immediately asked if you have a life insurance policy for which your husband is beneficiary? In other words, how much does he stand to make if you don't survive?

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take care of yourself. Abusers often look "perfect" to the outside world, but you are living with the reality. Don't let him ruin your life.

We're here to support you.

Alice

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