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A daughter who takes care of Mom without any help

angiev38
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2012

Good Evening All...I'm new to this board. Was wandering how everyone does what we do? I'm SO stressed with everything and its getting harder and harder for shes in the hospital for the second time in 3 months and we have been here for a week now. I'm one of 5 kids but only 2 live in state and I AM the only one that does anything at ALL!!!! How do you keep doing it for 2 years now??
The ONLY thing that keeps m
e going is the LOVE for my mom but I'm getting stressed to the max.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I was the caregiver for my husband for 6 years. It is hard work. It wears you out both physically and mentally. Love is what gives us the ability to hang in there. You do need to get help, though. If you don't care for yourself, you can't care for anyone else. If other family members feel they can't help, ask them to chip in to hire help at least one day a week. You need a break. Sometimes people just need to be asked. They don't know what is needed or may even think you have everything covered. I didn't ask for help until toward the end, and actually had people thanking me for giving them the opportunity to help. For now, realize that you are doing the best you can. You are a good daughter. You can't change how others act. You can only change how you react to them. Take care, Fay

Bearsmile
Posts: 24
Joined: Apr 2012

Hi I have been taking care of first my Mom and now my Dad for over 10 years. My parents both had cancer at the same time and went through different things. It was hard since my brother at the time lived in NJ and we live in MA. Mom died and I was grateful for the time I had with her. Dad continues to fight his cancer but it is a matter of time. It is hard since my brother now lives in CA. I am a full time caregiver but I have learned I have to reach out for help and do things for myself. Simple things like going for a walk or dinner with a friend are important I agree with a previous post that if you arent taking care of yourself then you cant take care of others. I get burned out but then I take time to rejunivate and it is great. It is hard but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing and will have no regrets in the end. I try to make the most out of the little things. Good luck and hang in there you are not alone.

Couchie
Posts: 24
Joined: Nov 2010

How do we do what we do? With extreme sacrifice. I don't mean for this to be a competition, but I was the caregiver for my partner for four months straight in the hospital. I was fortunate enough to be able to take time off from work though, which I could not do now. There's really no easy answer, we soldier through with an extreme physical and emotional cost to ourselves with little to no recognition. A break is golden, try you best to have your family somehow allow you a break. Even two days does wonders.

There are really no easy answers beyond that. It's not an easy job, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I remember feeling helpless and feeling that things would never get better. Now... they have. It's a thankless, time-consuming, delayed-gratification job, but it does get better.

cindysuetoyou's picture
cindysuetoyou
Posts: 508
Joined: Dec 2009

Caregiving was hard for me because I was so frightened, so stressed, so worried out of my mind, and so very, very heartsick and totally grief stricken to see my son going downhill, and then dying, right in front of my eyes. He was diagnosed with brain cancer at 25 years of age, in May of 2009, and he died 1 1/2 months ago, on October 15th. He was 29.

The first two years were good, but then he had a recurrence in July of 2011 and he went downhill very fast. He needed a lot of care for the last year of his life. In some ways, it seemed like a really long time, but in other ways, it only seemed like a short period of time.

It was hard to care for David--I"m sure that all of you caregivers know what it's like. But for me...now it brings me so much comfort to know that I was there for David. He never went without the best care possible. I fought so hard for him and I was passionate and fierce and determined that everything that could be done for David was being done. Now I am so glad that I held up and took care of David until the very end. I just so wish that all of my passion and all of his pain and suffering could have made a difference and he could have beaten the cancer. It absolutely sucks and breaks my heart to think of all the pain and suffering David went through, and how hard he fought, and how he kept hoping and believing that he could beat it and survive.

I HATE CANCER SO MUCH!!!!! I will pray until the day that I die that someone will find a cure for cancer and that no one else ever has to suffer and go through this kind of pain from cancer ever again. Wouldn't that be the most wonderful thing?

Love and blessings,
Cindy in Salem, OR

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