Nov 17, 2012 - 6:09 am
Just coming to the end of my "chemo break" as my oncologist suggested. I had a CT scan and my bloods done last week and will be getting the results in 2 days.
I do not have a very good feeling about this. My stomach is bloating, which is a sure sign that the cancer seeds are growing and squashing everything inside. Don't think it is ascites as the bloating comes and goes throughout the day and is linked to meal times.
But what can I expect? I have always known I will be living the rest of my life on and off chemo. This I have come to expect. This I do not mind terribly, but my body needs to be strong enough to cope with the relentless on-slaught of the poison. I will embrace the chemo if I need it again, but I do hope I am physically strong enough to cope.
I truely believe that with our cancer we can live / survive a long time as long as we are able to tolerate the chemo. Its like a game:
So I am sitting here on a Saturday morning and preparing myself for bad news on Monday. I always do that. Expect the worse (and hope for the best) as if the worse happens then it is not a shock.
I experienced the biggest shock ever when I was first told I had cancer. I had gone to the hospital with fluid around my lungs. I saw a "respiratory/pulmonary" registrar thinking I had, at worse pneuomonia or at best a bit of fluid that once drained away I would be back to normal. But no, the doctor fetched a Macmilan nurse into the room before saying to me "Its not good news I'm afraid" To say I reacted badly would be an understatement. My mum had died the year before with cancer and I knew what Macmilan nurses do. So I ranted and raved at this poor nurse as I panicked. (I later apologised to her) So after this incident I never allow myself to be in a position when I could receive bad news unexpectedly.
Sorry for this lengthy post. Writing is really therapeutic for me and when it flows I just have to keep on going :)
I will post on Monday with an update on my results