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Such a terrible week.

HootieGirl's picture
HootieGirl
Posts: 85
Joined: Feb 2011

Hi ladies,

I have been needing to post an update for so long, but I feel like everything that could possibly go wrong does and it is starting to get overwhelming. Not to mention I am just so friggen sad all the time and an emotional roller coaster. This week was just horrible. I finally sucked it up and had a pet scan, even though my dad warned me that it might be too depressing to look at the results. What we found wasn't great. I have about 12 different tumors throughout my body. They're just everywhere. 7 in the lung, 3 in the paraspinus muscle, one massive honker in my right leg, and then one thats eroding into my left sacrum. I was having so much back pain that it was pretty much unmanageable for a while, so we decided to start radiation. They are currently radiating my tumors in my back and the largest lung met (its 7cm) and I have my last treatment tomorrow. Yep, they're treating on a Saturday because they're taking off for Thanksgiving.

Anyway, heres where it gets bad. Last Friday I started experiencing numbness/pressure in my right leg and it was completely impairing my walk. It has now gotten so bad that I have almost no function of my entire limb. It kind of feels like a boa constrictor is squeezing my foot to death and the pressure continues all the way up my leg. Just a lot of pressure and no feeling. Thats why walking is pretty much impossible because I can't feel my foot step down on the floor. So I am now wheelchair bound and dealing with numbness in my entire stomach/back area and it is beginning to start in my left leg as well. Hopefully the radiation will help the numbness in my stomach/left leg, but the right leg is a lost cause. My tumor continues to grow and theres nothing they can do. Its already gotten twice the amount of radiation that you're supposed to give it, so they can't treat it anymore. And unfortunately, because of all of the past radiation, the skin won't stretch and the tumor continues to break through the skin. I've pretty much had an open wound there since August that my angel of a mother changes the bandage on twice a day. Unfortunately we also can't do surgery to remove it because the incision will never heal due to the radiation and I will just get an infection and have to have it amputated either way. Lovely.

As if the good news stops there.. I found out that I have pneumonia in my left lung and a build up of fluid in my right pleura. I had a pleura effusion done on Wednesday and they drained 500 ml of fluid out-pretty nasty. My anemia is out of control right now (hemoglobin is an 8 which is why I'm so exhausted) I also have had a nasty bug all week that has caused vomiting and gas/digestive issues. Want to know how fun it is to be a 21 year old girl laying in bed wearing a diaper having to call out to my mother who's doing dishes in the next room because I have thrown up all over myself and can't get out of bed and into my wheelchair by myself? Ya, thats pretty much what my life looks like right now.

I have just been so so sad lately. It's hard to keep up a fun attitude and live every day enjoying life when my body is physically giving out on me. I think I'm going to start taking my xanax on a regular basis because *****y Kat is not fun to deal with. It just breaks my heart knowing that my family doesn't have a lot of time left with me. I wish so badly that there was something that could be done, but sometimes the Lord has a different plan. I want to enjoy every day and I've said that from the beginning, but it feels like everything is getting really bad really fast and I am so overwhelmed. I am getting over this nasty bug and I am hopeful that once I start feeling a little better, my mood will drastically improve. I just want to take a deep breath and enjoy all of the time that I have. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers. They are so amazing and I hate knowing that I am the cause of so much pain in their lives. My parents are two of the biggest saints I've ever met and they don't deserve this. It truly breaks my heart.

Thank you so much for reading my long scatterbrained rant. I should really just update more often and then they won't be so long. Still praying so hard for all of you ladies facing hard times. I hope you all have an incredible Thanksgiving with your families. Believe it or not, I have so much to be thankful for. I just need to remind myself more often!

Xoxo,
Kat

salls41's picture
salls41
Posts: 340
Joined: Apr 2012

I am so so sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I just wish I could reach through the screen and rub your head and hold your hand while you vent. You vent away sweet girl, you have every right to! I know how proud of you your parents are, I know how I would feel were you mine! The strength you show every day, even when B&%$#y Kat comes out is truly amazing and I am sure that they continue to be inspired and awed by you, as we are. I hope that you are able to enjoy your holiday with your family! Please know that I will continue my prayers for you and for the family.
{{{{{{{{{{Mighty Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Sandy

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

One thing I know I am thankful for is to know you Kat. For being so young, you show more spirit, determination and courage than anyone I know. It is good to see you post, but, I just hate what is happening to you.

Your parents love you Kat, as all parents love their children and would do anything for you. Don't ever think that they would have it any other way, except, I know they wish you were healthy and not having to go through this.

I will keep praying for you Kat.

Hugs, Lex

Ctine70's picture
Ctine70
Posts: 150
Joined: Sep 2012

I am so sad to read your post. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. You and your family are always in my prayers. I just wish there was something I could do to make all your pain go away. You are such an inspiration to all of us. It isn't fair what you have been going through at such a young age but you are amazingly strong and I am so proud of you! Vent away anytime and know you are not alone.
You are in my heart and my prayers I hope things start to look up for you sweet Kat.
Lots of hugs
Christine

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

Ka
I am listening to everything you have to say and holding your hand as you do. I hug you when you get done with your feelings as we weep together. As a parent myself I know I will do anything it takes to help you feel more comfortable and take care of your every need. That is what a parent does. You are not hurting them, they are only sad to see you suffering and wish they could take away your pain. Love is forever and they will be there for you through thick and thin, that is why God made them your parents Kat.

I'm sorry to hear your news, but your sassy funny attitude is still there and that is a blessing for us all. If my daughter grows up to be half the woman you are I will be a happy mom. You are an inspiration to us all and I pray for you every night. If I could put all this burden on myself I would because I consider you like my daughter. You remind me of myself when I was young and fiesty. That part of my life is done but I hope I can lift your spirits with a funny quote I heard the other day.

"Every day I go around cutting off pieces of every straw I see, so that the world sucks just a little less."

With love and hugs,
Terry

weazer's picture
weazer
Posts: 440
Joined: Mar 2010

Hello dear,
I'm sorry to hear that your not doing so well.
You are an amazing young lady and your parents are so lucky to have you.
They wouldnt want to be anywhere else but with you by your side no matter what!
You and your family are in my prayers daily.
Lots of Gentle Hugs Karie

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

I wish I lived closer to you Kat so that I could help you in some way. You're such an inspiration to all of us here. Keep fighting Kat and keep posting here so we know how you are doing. We all love you Kat!

Many hugs,

Kylez

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

I love that quote Terry! I am going to steal it!

CypressCynthia's picture
CypressCynthia
Posts: 3994
Joined: Oct 2009

Oh sweetie, I wish I was there to help! Please think about hospice because, as I have posted before, recent studies are showing that cancer patients who utilize hospice may actually live longer. There is a big push with some professionals to provide "palliative" or hospice-like care to all survivors because pain and comfort management may help all patients live a better and longer life.

You have been so incredibly brave and such a fighter! You are just a wonderful inspiration to us all. Think about getting some help with your pain and comfort issues. And, no matter what you decide, please keep in touch when you can. We miss you and love you!!!

Comparing Hospice and Nonhospice Patient Survival Among Patients Who Die Within a Three-Year Window

DianeBC's picture
DianeBC
Posts: 3888
Joined: Jun 2009

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DianeBC's picture
DianeBC
Posts: 3888
Joined: Jun 2009

You have had a terrible week Kat and I am so sorry. Like others said, it is always good to get an update from you. I just wish that it had been some good news.

Don't ever think that your parents would want to do anything other than take care of their precious daughter. My husband and I would feel the same way. There is nothing we wouldn't do to help our children.

I know it isn't easy, but, try to stay positive. And, keep coming back to vent, just to update us or just to say hi.

The pink sisters love you!

Diane

VickiSam's picture
VickiSam
Posts: 8291
Joined: Aug 2009

What a terrible ordeal to be face with - for you, and your parents. You have
made such an impact on so many of us. We are proud, and humbled to call you,
my Sister in PINK.

Your journey has not been an easy one, and the pain ... breast cancer has brought to
you, and your family is unimaginable. I am so so so sorry.

Like the WARRIOR you are, I see that you have the piss and vinegar still
in your veins, and will continue to fight - kicking and screaming!!!

$#@^ Cancer

Gentle hugs, prayers my dear Kat.

Vicki Sam

ksf56's picture
ksf56
Posts: 203
Joined: Apr 2012

My heart breaks for you! What strikes me the most from your post is how much pain you're in - I can almost feel it myself. You so much need pain control help! Are you in palliative care? I wish I could help you myself! Your parents continue to have my prayers - they must be beside themselves with worry from your suffering. I can't imagine! Girl, you have fought so hard and it has been a torture all along the way.

I will keep you in my heart and prayers!

Peace be with you,
Karen

SIROD's picture
SIROD
Posts: 2180
Joined: Jun 2010

I don't want to repeat the same message that Cypress Cynthia posted but I do second her advise.

Kat, it isn't fair that a young person like you has to go through this disease. I am so very sorry for you and your family. Parents should not have to go through this watching their lovely daughter fight this very, ugly disease.

I sure do wish you and your family a good thanksgiving.

Doris

camul's picture
camul
Posts: 2079
Joined: Dec 2010

I agree, you have had a really rough week. Will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hopefully, the radiation will relieve the pressure on your back and legs. Your mom is caring for you with all the love in the world. My sister and I took care of our mom and neither of us has ever regretted it for a minute.

I agree too with utilizing hospice. It would give you someone to vent to who understands and those who work with hospice are compassionate and really care. Keep posting more often and vent whenever you need to.

Kat I am sending Prayers and big hugs,
Carol

New Flower
Posts: 4044
Joined: Aug 2009

I am very sorry that you are having a very hard time. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Sometime I feel like those PET s are more torturing and demanding physically and emotionally than living with cancer itself. You are very brave facing reality, embracing every moment. Please find help with pain management, constant pain is a remainder and makes is very difficult to keep the spirit up.
I hope you are having a better day.
Hugs

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3294
Joined: Oct 2009

Sending the biggest hugs and lots of love to you Kat!

Hugs, Debby

laughs_a_lot's picture
laughs_a_lot
Posts: 1368
Joined: Mar 2011

situation. 3!7chy Kat is to be expected. I would send a psychiatrist your way if you had anything less than that mood. You are in my prayers. The fact that your touch of humor and level of determination for life persists under your circumstances, is only a testament you your will to survive, and your family's marvelous dedication. I will pray for a break from the drama that this son of a 3!7ch disease has brought your way.

fauxma's picture
fauxma
Posts: 3535
Joined: Dec 2008

Dear Kat,
You and your family are in my prayers.

jnl's picture
jnl
Posts: 3873
Joined: May 2009

Terrible doesn't even describe what you've gone through. Many hugs, lots of support and even more love to you Kat!

Love, Leeza

Clementine_P's picture
Clementine_P
Posts: 367
Joined: Feb 2011

Kat, thank you for taking some precious time to update us on your condition. We all think about you and worry for you. I am so so sorry that you have had to deal with this incredibly difficult time. Despite what you are going through, you emanate poise, grace and elegance. You are strong and inspiring. Life isn't fair, and you have had more than your share of troubles to put it lightly. Every feeling you are having is justified and normal. My thoughts and heart is with you and I hope that you find a modicum of peace in this battle.

Peace,
Clementine

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3294
Joined: Oct 2009

Positive thoughts, cyber hugs and prayers!

eihtak
Posts: 857
Joined: Oct 2011

Prayers are in progress right now in my little neck of the world! You are an amazing young woman that I am honored to share this part of our journey with. As a mother myself, don't ever think that you are the cause of your parents pain, I'll bet you have brought them a world of joy! There is a saying about God giving us these hardships in life so that we are reminded of His great power, I will mention to Him at church tomorrow that you are well aware and He could maybe ease up a bit!

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

Lit a candle for you this morning at church Kat.

Hugs, Lex

MsGebby's picture
MsGebby
Posts: 659
Joined: Oct 2011

will be a different story. I cannot believe what I just read. My heart hurts! You are a special person. One that I have looked up to since becoming a part of the Pink Sister Family.

You know ... your family is unbelievably strong too. They are always right there with you. And they should be. Kat, dear. They love you. And they want to help in any way they can.

I wish you didn't feel that you are a burden to them. You are a blessing to them as they are a blessing to you. Why this is happening ... Gosh ... I wish I had that answer. All I know is that it is totally unfair.

My stomach churns and I feel like I will vomit as I write this. My daughters are 26 and 22. I really love them but when I hear of someone as young as they are not having the freedom to enjoy life the way they should, I pull them closer and just don't let go.

I have prayed for you since first coming on this board. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I believe in God and the power of prayer. I believe, too, that looking into palliative care is a good ... a very good idea. Please think about this Kat.

If I could hug you in person, I would. If I could give you parents a hug, I would. If I could take away your pain and disease, I would.

Please know I love you like a daughter. You mean so very much to me and all of the pink sisters here.

God Bless You Dear Kat <3

xoxo
Mary

Kristin N's picture
Kristin N
Posts: 1969
Joined: Mar 2009

It seems that I really don't even have the words to write how very sorry I am Kat. You are such a sweet,young girl that should not be even thinking about what you've written, let alone living it. My prayers are headed your way Kat!

ladyg's picture
ladyg
Posts: 1577
Joined: Apr 2010

I don't know what to say. I am so sad to see that someone so young is going through so much. It just isn't fair. I think about you often and will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I hope you do not have another bad week and things get a little easier for you.

Hugs,
Georgia

Lynn Smith
Posts: 1265
Joined: Mar 2011

Think of you often and wonder how you are doing.Thank You for keeping us posted.We all wonder how things are with you and your loving family.I'm sadden for what you're going through.Not fair.Alot to handle.One thing after another.And you are so young.

You mentioned pneumonia.That is bad.I know the feeling.Everywhere you go people are sick and you can't get away from it.I got bronchitis from my grandson(came to visit the first sick day)Of course I get it. I coughed for almost 6 weeks.Things calmed down but then like you I find I am low on some nutrition. I told my doctor over and over I am not feeling good.Blood tests I had were fine.She decided to do one more and it came back I am low on Vitamn D, B12 and folic acid.These viruses can really beat a person down.This is a worry like you with the rest of your body.I am tired also and I know it must be trying for you. OH and I'm a fanatic when someone is around me sick.I go the other way.

You are in my Thoughts and Prayers.Keep us posted. All your Pink Sisters are thinking of you and your family.

Lynn Smith

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3294
Joined: Oct 2009

I want you to please keep posting updates for us Kat. We are worried about you and want to help however we can.

Hugs, Debby

survivorbc09
Posts: 4378
Joined: Jun 2009

You're always on my mind Kat and in my prayers. This is just so wrong. You should be out enjoying your youth and not worrying and dealing with any of this.

I am praying for you and for a miracle Kat.

Hugs, Jan

GrandmaJ's picture
GrandmaJ
Posts: 209
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Kat, I don't post very often, but wanted you to know how much your message has touched me. As a mother and a grandmother, how I wish I could be there to help your mom take care of you. IT makes me ashamed that I complain about hair loss, weight gain and body aches and pains when you are going through so much more. My breast cancer hit me late in life at the age of 65....its just not fair that someone so young should be affected by this horrid disease. I will continue to pray for you and your family. You are an inspiration to us all.

Judy

sea60's picture
sea60
Posts: 2601
Joined: May 2010

and some have daughters your age. I do. I just want all this to go away from you. My heart breaks for you and your parents. You have many praying for a miracle.

This cancer has tested your strength and endurance in every way and although you may not feel it at times, you have won! These bodies do not last forever, but the Spirit remains and I believe it is eternal with the Lord, free from pain.

Post as long as you feel up to it. We want to hear from you.

Sending my love, hugs and prayers dear girl.

lintx's picture
lintx
Posts: 456
Joined: Sep 2012

You are a strong presence, Kat, and everyone loves you for it. God bless you and your family. Linda

jennytwist
Posts: 737
Joined: Sep 2009

your family in my prayers - holding you close - sending gentle hugs. Truly you are an inspiration to all of us - thank you for posting - you are so very, very much loved!
-Jenny

missrenee's picture
missrenee
Posts: 2137
Joined: Apr 2010

to be on my nightly prayer list. All I can do is send positive energy to you and pray (and I so believe in the power of prayer).

I hope you will look into Hospice care to ease your pain and your feelings of putting so much on your family. Believe me, though, as a mother, your family will do anything and everything to make it better for you. Keep leaning on them as well--there is so much love there--it's obvious.

I sincerely hope you have a better week, honey. You don't deserve this nor does your family. I appreciate your post. We all love you here and you certainly have a lot of pink angels praying for you.

Love and hugs, Renee

CHERYL 4
Posts: 55
Joined: Aug 2008

prayers/huggs keep in touch wishin u the very best and ur family

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

If your family wants to care for you, which I know they do, let them Kat. I am sure they wouldn't want it any other way. They love you so much, just like we do.

Praying that you will have better days ahead.

Love, Megan

Noel's picture
Noel
Posts: 3101
Joined: Apr 2009

My heart is breaking to read this. Kat, please try to stay strong, try to stay positive and keep fighting! Let all of your pink sisters keep praying for a miracle for you. Just don't give up!

Keep posting and telling us how you are feeling. We want to know!

Love you!

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

It is hard to not think of you Kat and I've been doing that a lot lately. Also lots and lots of prayers. Please post again so we know how you are.

Hugs, Angie

Kristin N's picture
Kristin N
Posts: 1969
Joined: Mar 2009

It is so obvious how much we all love you and are concerned for you sweet Kat. You are in my prayers every day!

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5395
Joined: Oct 2010

Kat:

so so sorry to hear of your events in life..thinking of you..

Denise

Debbye48
Posts: 17
Joined: Mar 2012

I am praying for you and your Family.

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

I'm praying so hard for you Kat and I know that prayers do work. I am always here for you.

Hugs, Angie

MGNS's picture
MGNS
Posts: 197
Joined: Sep 2009

Kat my heart aches for you and I love you dear sweet pink sister. I will be praying for you and your family. You are such a brave and strong young woman and I too wish I lived close to you so that I could be with you. Please know that I am with you in thought and prayers. (((Hugs))))

roseann4
Posts: 994
Joined: Sep 2009

So young, so much pain and so much courage. Other than to say, "I love you dear heart," I am speechless. I will continue to pray for you on this journey. Hugs and hope.

Roseann

VickiSam's picture
VickiSam
Posts: 8291
Joined: Aug 2009

Continuing positive thoughts, prayers and LOVE going out to you, and your parents.

Hero does not encompass what you mean to me. The joy, and laughter you have brought
into my life.

I adore, and love you my beloved Sister in PINK, Kit-Kat.

Vicki Sam

survivorbc09
Posts: 4378
Joined: Jun 2009

I've been thinking and praying for you Kat. I pray that you're doing better and will post an update for us.

Hugs, Jan

Ritzy's picture
Ritzy
Posts: 4384
Joined: Aug 2009

So many of us are thinking of you Kat and so worried. Praying that soon you will post some news for us. Lots of prayers!

Sue :)

survivorbc09
Posts: 4378
Joined: Jun 2009

Saying lots of prayers for you Kat.

Hugs, Jan

helen e's picture
helen e
Posts: 223
Joined: Sep 2009

Kat,

You must be so scared as well as in pain. I am a mother of a 17 year old girl and I would give up all my time to spend with her and make her as comfortable as possible. You can rest assured that you are not a burden to your parents. They cleaned up your vomit and changed diapers for you when you were younger, it is nothing new to them. No one loves doing that but it's got to be done.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this especially as you are so young. You seem like a very mature young woman and are handling things as well as anyone in your position would. Remember that we are all here for you whenever you need us. We just wish we could do more to help you. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care.

Hugs, Helen

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3294
Joined: Oct 2009

I, like any Mother, would do anything to take away any pain my child is having. Your parents love you Kat and have and will do whatever it takes to help you. Let them do it as I bet it makes them feel better. I wish there was no need for it thought.

I am praying for you and hoping for a miracle!

Lots of hugs for you Kat,

Debby

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