Nov 13, 2012 - 2:56 am
Today is four weeks since my son David died. The pain feels intense, overwhelming, sharp, like it was yesterday, but it seems like months....a year...since I lost David.
So I'm trying. Trying to piece some sort of a life back together. I know my old, sweet, beautiful life is over and I can never have it back. I'll never be carefree and laugh and goof around like I used to do.
Over the course of these last four weeks, I have joined a gym and I work out with around ten different people. We don't all go at the same time, but the odds are high that when I go with my sister, we will run into several other people we know, and we all work out together.
I've gone out for dinners and lunches and coffee, been to church every Sunday since David died, I go to a mid week church group, I still go to a caregivers' support group---I made some really good friends there and they say that they really want me to keep coming. I've gotten together with them for lunch too. Next week my sister is taking me on a fancy dinner cruise on a sternwheeler on the Willamette River.
My husband is trying so hard to help me. He bought me a camper so I can go horse camping again. We are picking it up tomorrow. Back in my other life (before David was diagnosed) I used to go horse camping all the time. I took our motorhome and hauled my little straight load horse trailer. But then Larry bought me a large two-horse slant load with a dressing/tack room and it's too much for me to haul with the motorhome. I tried tent camping and it didn't work out. Too much work, and I camp in isolated areas and I didn't feel safe in a tent. The final straw was when I saw bears just a few hundred yards from my tent....anyway, it makes me cry when I think of how hard Larry is trying to do whatever he can to help me have something positive to look forward to.
I don't cry as much as I did the first three weeks. But I am depressed and sad and limp. I feel lost and I don't know what to do with myself. I volunteer at our church (doing some painting) but it's hard for me to keep on task. I start stuff and then lose heart. Sometimes I am just doing whatever, not even thinking, and all of a sudden, I just start crying really really hard. Almost uncontrollably. It doesn't last long, but the heavy, sick feeling stays.
Today I was in line with my daughter at Starbucks (always so difficult because David and I went there almost every day) and I saw a tall thin guy in a red hoodie with sunglasses, walking with the same jaunty stride that David had. David had a favorite red hoodie, and he loved his Ray Bans. For one second, I thought, "There's David!" Then it hit me so hard....I'll never ever see him again in this life. I can't believe it's over, his life here is done, gone, he's lost to me, he's lying in a casket on a lonely hill in a country cemetery. I'm his mom and he was my son and he's gone and I'm still here. I can't believe that his life is over, and I'm still here and this is my life. Sometimes I think that I can't bear it. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other and I do what I have to do.
I am afraid of what the holiday seasons will be like for me and for our family. I am not even going to get my Christmas decorations out of the attic. I'm going to buy cheap ones from the Dollar Tree. I can't stand the thought of seeing all the personal ornaments for David and my other kids, and seeing David's Christmas sock. I wish I could go somewhere far away, really different, for the entire holiday seasons. Like maybe Patagonia. Or Argentina. Just somewhere totally foreign to me......
Thank you for letting me vent.