Nov 12, 2012 - 5:03 pm
First let me say that I have really missed you and your wonderful supportive ways. I have tried to read the posts from time to time, but mostly I am just too tired.
I'll try to bring you up to speed on all the different things going on right now.
First, I went to the cardiologist about the chest pain. I had another echocardiogram which was fine. The DR wanted me to have a special cardiac Petscan. After talking with hubby and my PCP, we felt that I should not have it. I have had so much radiation with scans, one on top of another and more to come, that the radiation risk was becoming to high.
I also went to the pulmonary onc. I had an ultrasound of my lungs. This is a not very helpful way to see inside the lungs, but once in awhile it will work. Didn't work, so I will be having another ct scan after Thanksgiving. The Dr thinks that I will most likely need to have ct scans every three months to follow the nodules growth rate. Right now it is still to small for any real positive type of treatment.
My overall recovery from the surgery has been very slow and very painful. I still get tired very quickly. Hubby wants me to have more transfusions, but I don't know if I can deal with that right now. My counts are still way below normal, but not critically low.
I always felt that I was handling all the cancers issues so well. But I am starting to think that the cumlative effects are doing me in. I have this under current of fear, which I can't shake and normally don't have. Living with cancer inside me is just plain hard to do. And the only people who understand what it is like, are people who have cancer inside them too.
I am sad most of the time and tearful at a moments notice. I know that it's normal to be sad, my mom has only been gone since Feb. and then the nightmare summer, but I just feel so overwhelmed.
My daughter got engaged in early Oct. and has set her wedding date for March 2, 2013! It feels like most of the details for the wedding are on me. With very little time to arrange things and everyone except me working full time, I am expected to do most everything. No one except hubby understands how difficult this is for me. I can't remember things, I am exhausted all the time and I am in pain, and my other daughters are not very happy or excited about their sisters wedding. So I end up hearing everyones complaints. It's just too much for me. I want to feel happy and excited for my daughter, and I am, but the sadness just is so imposing. My girls all think that I should be well and able to do everything. They just don't understand how I truly feel. I am not recovered yet, and most likely will still not be by the time March arrives. I can except that, but the girls just expect their mom to be their mom and do it all. I sure wish my daughter would have waited longer to have the wedding. Most times they don't even consider my feelings and my health. Oh well, I am trying.
Everytime I think about posting to you all, something else comes up and the thought is just gone again. I have missed you all so much. I have been catching up on the posts today. Hopefully I will get through a bunch of them before something else interrups me.
PS Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to bring you up to date on the major issues going on.