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not sure how to grief

alak's picture
alak
Posts: 3
Joined: Nov 2012

Tommarow around 12:23pm my mother has been dead for 3 weeks.Early summer of 2012. My ma was diagnosed with stage 3 liver cancer.first they tried a experimental treatment were the injected radiation beads. Into her liver. But this was with no sucess Next they tries chemo therapy. She was on that till around Aug 16 When she developed a blood clot in her heart.we throu_ght that the tumor was shrinking. But it was the exact opposite it had trippled in size.At that point the doctors said their wasn't anymore that could be done. They gave her 1 month to 6 months to live.ma was the strongest lady I have ever met she refused to accept the fact that she was dying. They turned her over to hospice care.in the first few vists from the nurse the nurse told my lol that she would have never guessed that she was so sick she was was so bubbly and cheerful.as time went on Her condition worsened. She was no longer able to sit up or walk without assestence. But she still said she was going to her better about a week before she died she no longer was able to feed herself. Or even sit u.by that point she had to be admitted to the hospital because of controble seizers and pain she died on Oct 12 2013 sorry for the long story and lack of punctuation its hard to type on my phone. Its been 3 weeks down and I still have not cried.I can't accept the fact that she is dead.its hard to believe that. My mom will never see her grandchildren.I am 17 and I guessvi always throught ivwoyld have my mommy forever. I don't know how to move on. I guess I just feel alone in this. Anyone have any advivevor stories they would be greatly appreciated

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

None of us really know how to grieve until we have to. There are grief counselors available, often through hospice. You might also check with the hospital social worker. You are very young to be dealing with this. I hope you have an older friend or relative you can talk with. Often times people think that young people can just bounce back or don't really understand. Let them know that you are not dealing well with your grief. I'm thinking you are probably in high school. If so, ask a school counselor where you might find some help. You don't have to go through this alone. We are here, but online is just not enough. Also, know that three weeks is not very long. You are still in the early stages of grief. It takes time. Lots of time. Please talk with someone as soon as possible. Hugs, Fay

alak's picture
alak
Posts: 3
Joined: Nov 2012

Thank you guys for replying it means a lot.I always been know as the strong one so I really have trouble seeking out help ..I guess I did it easier to talk to complete strangers.If anyone ever needs someone to talk to message me if you would like. I am a great listener. :)

here4lfe
Posts: 296
Joined: Jan 2010

Just coming to this site and telling your story is grieving. You are doing it in your own way the way you need to. GradmaFay gave you some good advice. My daughter is grieving the death of her mother now, she has counselors she sees. I am also grieving, and using the hospice resources. The hospice should have left you some information. Call them.
Good luck and my condolences.

Kathylr's picture
Kathylr
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2012

...I have a daughter who is 18, she lost her father (my husband) late August. She also feels she's a strong one, and so far has refused any sort of help or support with her grieving, such as counseling or a bereavement support group.

I certainly hope you have close family, maybe older sibs to help you through this time. I was surprised at how supportive several of my daughter's friends were of her. However, life goes on, summer ended, and her friends had to return to their own busy lives at school and etc. Like other posters, I truly hope you will confide in your school counselor, your father, or another trusted adult about how you are coping with your mother's recent loss. And/or call the hospice--they have free support groups for family members. They may even have one, or know of one, just for teens. If these things help you, great! Why do anything the hardest way if you don't have to. You won't know until you give it a try.

I'll share something I learned from my daughter--some people are well-meant but not too helpful to grieving teens. They might say things like, "I'm so glad to see how well you are handling your Mother's death!" which can make you feel like you should hide your sad feelings and live up to their idea of how you are doing. My daughter's grandmother (her Dad's mother!) actually told her, "Stiff upper lip!" Or they act like nothing's happened, afraid to bring up your Mother's death and upset you. Like you are not already thinking about it 24/7! It's another reason to consider seeing a grief counselor or a joining a bereavement support group where they *do* know how to be actually helpful.

You say you don't know how to grieve. There really isn't one right way, but one wrong way I know is to just get so busy you do not deal with your feelings at all. That only works for awhile, while your grief sits patiently like a monster in your closet, ready to jump out at first chance. There's really no way through but one day at a time.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this at your age. Write again and let us know how you are doing.

Kathy

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