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Busy day at Markey

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

David is wore out from all the people in and out of his room today. He had a dietician, 9 doctors at rounds, hospital staff, someone took him for a CT scan, someone came to draw blood. Then you have his hourly visits from the nurse and tech. The doctors wanted new CT scans to rule out any new masses from his head through his chest. Hopefully we will know something tomorrow. David still isn't getting the required nutrition yet, but is getting some. His calcium level was normal, creatinine (just a little high) and potassium was low. They added potassium to his IV so I would suspect that tomorrow labs will look better.

Greend's picture
Greend
Posts: 679
Joined: Feb 2010

Tell David I hope some of them look good...makes treatments a bit less painful. I know when I went to a Mexican hospital I was begging to be admitted....

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

He has had a few that are quite good looking. I hope he did have a pleasant experience.

Billie67's picture
Billie67
Posts: 834
Joined: Jul 2012

Thanks for the update I've been thinking about you two all day. Hopefully you'll both get some rest tonight and get the best of news tomorrow about your CT results. I sure hope you are remembering to take care of yourself too.
Billie

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I am having a difficult time sleeping and relaxing. David likes me to be here whenever he is awake. I had to leave for a few minutes tonight to get a heater for David for the shower because he has been freezing in the restroom. Anyway I went to the parking garage and forgot where my car was. I looked for over 30 minutes and then just broke down and cried. I try to keep a strong exterior to everyone that knows David and I, but I feel like I am falling apart. Problem is then I start feeling guilty about thinking about myself. I just want my husband to be healthy and for us to start are life together. I asked God Why tonight. It came to my mind that David needs love and someone to be with him through this. I will try to be a better wife.

Billie67's picture
Billie67
Posts: 834
Joined: Jul 2012

Don't feel guilty one single bit. You need to take that time to cry and break down once in a while. I know it was hard for my husband while I was sick but I found out thru the grapevine that he had a few friends that he finally opened up to and it helped him a lot. I say don't be afraid to show your fear to your friends and loved ones. My guess is that they'd like to do more to help you but they think you've "got it" because you are being so strong. Show them that you are scared and sad, let them in. You are going to wear yourself down if you try to take all of this on your own.
Where are you located by the way?
Billie

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

It is hard to open up to friends, because all my Christian friends act like if I'm scared I don't have faith he will be healed. They tell me not to worry and have a positive attitude that he will be ok. Well that was what I was doing when we found out he had cancer. I went in to the operation having faith it was a bronchial cleft cyst and that was horrible to hear the ENT say they found cancer. I want to believe God will heal him, but I also know that God will ultimately decide. All I can do is love my husband while I have him. I will be here for him and cheer him on, but I can't help that I am afraid that God might want my husband. I don't have anyone I can say that too because then I am not believing hard enough. I can't explain it really, but it sucks.

Billie67's picture
Billie67
Posts: 834
Joined: Jul 2012

I can relate to the Christian friends acting like I don't have enough faith. Several times I admitted to being scared and each time one of them would say, "you just have to believe it will be ok and it will be ok" yeah well easier said than done. Everything you are feeling is totally expected and warranted. Half of the people that told me everything would be fine have never experienced anything traumatic in their lives. They haven't been effected by cancer or lost a loved one so really they just can't understand. That being said, your feelings are real and true and you should be open and honest with those feelings. Once you do you'll find out just who you can count and rely on.
Too bad all of us on this site don't live closer to each other, that would be the best kind of support right there.
Please get some rest and take care of you. Check in tomorrow and let us know how things are going.
Sending you a hug all the way from California!
Billie

meaganb's picture
meaganb
Posts: 226
Joined: May 2012

Vivian, I am a Christian and trust me, it does not mean that you don't have faith when you're scared. We are human and what I've learned through all of this is that God can take anything you have to give. He is so much bigger than we give him credit for. If you're angry, that's ok. If you're scared or just plain worn out, that's ok too. God will not love you any less because you are honest in your prayers, he knows your heart anyways so trying to hide your feelingsdoesn't really make sense. I've been reading your posts and I know that things have been crazy hard for you and your husband. It's only natural that you would be frustrated. You are both in my prayers and I sincerely hope that your husband starts feeling better very soon.

phrannie51's picture
phrannie51
Posts: 3669
Joined: Mar 2012

he knows he has a wonderful wife....you've been by his side since he was Dx'd, and you are still at his side. The way I see it, breaking down over the car was exactly what you needed in order to cleanse yourself of all the tension and worry you've been thru this last week...I doubt you would have found an opportuity on your own...so maybe this was a God thing? You caregivers are angels...and that's just a fact...we (the sickies) know it, too. You HAVE to take care of yourself, in order to take care of someone else...it is not selfish...

WOOT on his calcium levels being back to normal..YES YES YES!! I had to take extra Potassium for a while too....I don't think that is rare.

p

luvofmylif
Posts: 344
Joined: Sep 2012

First of all, glad David's lab values are back in normal range and that he is getting more nutrition and fluids. I am sure his kidneys are breathing a sigh of relief just having the proper hydration.

Secondly, no one knows how hard it is on you unless they have been through it. So I hope your friends understand this and support you. Just because you have weak moments doesn't mean you aren't strong. Your life isn't easy right now but you are doing this for the person you love and think of how you have helped him and what if he didn't have you. Caring for him is God's work and it's not easy. But, things will get better. It sounds like they already are. The human body is amazing and strong and David will come through this.

So, please be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up. It is ok to break down, I should know. I have my moments and without the people on this network I don't know what I would do. Ater all, if you didn't love him none of this would hurt so badly.

Joan

Pam M's picture
Pam M
Posts: 2194
Joined: Nov 2009

WONDERFUL the calcium's in line, and creatinine continues to improve.

Also hoping you'll be able to get in some rest, and just breathe for a little while.

CivilMatt's picture
CivilMatt
Posts: 2903
Joined: May 2012

Hi Vivian,

Nice to hear David’s numbers are looking normal and along with that I bet he is feeling a little better.

Don’t feel bad about having a good cry, wondering why or having doubts. We all went through those feelings and identify with your position.

If you think people can not understand how you truly feel because they haven’t lived it you are correct. Just wait until the eye opener opinions when David tells them he can’t taste food, or that food tastes awful and disgusting. Believe me the know-it-alls think they know, but they don’t and we do. Remember your battle is with the cancer, everything else is just static.

It sounds like David is turning the corner on these first steps; hopefully the rest will go by quickly.

Best,

Matt

IAmStrong's picture
IAmStrong
Posts: 44
Joined: Feb 2012

Bless your Heart!!! Well intentioned people whose big feet find their way into their mouths. People who have not walked this road have a difficult time comprehending it and come up with these quaint sayings.

I can't help but wonder if you should consider a church or group to support you during this time who are more positive and not judgemental to your responses. As a friend of a cancer patient years ago, as a hospice nurse, and now as a cancer patient I believe I am qualified to voice my opinion. We were surrounded by people who did Not place any judgement or condemnation upon us.....a Ture Gift! Of course, there were the few who disappeared.

So, I send to you BIG Hugs!!! To you and your hubbies!!! I think it is almost harder on the spouses than us going through it. However, I have not walked that road.

Our God is BIG, He is Awake and Taking Care of the Details...we only need to lean on Him for whatever it is we need.

God Speed....FYI....you WILL make it through this! Let Him carry you through, the sun Will shine once again.

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