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Quality over quantity

pinkkari09's picture
pinkkari09
Posts: 878
Joined: Sep 2009

First of all, I need to apologize again for taking so long to get back to my CSN Family. I've made the biggest decision In my LIFE this past week and I pray with all my heart that it was the right one.

I've been on chemo or rads for over 3 years, and had a lot of rough s/e. I've had MANY operations to include my bilateral, both ovaries, lattisamus flap immediate recon with all of 3 surgeons, under the lights for 7 hours, all sides opened up for something.....I'm not going to type my story, I'll certainly share if you ask. We've been chasing my TNBC for over 3 years and we just can't seem to catch the beast.

My team, mostly my Onc. say I've outlived many sentences by average. I know this is true but along the way I endured SO SO much, as we all do.
Infections, grade two neuropathy, severe loss of movement, a divorce..........could go on forever but why relive that, right:)

We, meaning me,myself, and I have decided its time to just let palliative care doc (whom I REALLY like) manage my pain while I live my life. I can say I feel great right now, I haven't had that awful Doxil in over a month. My body is trying to heal from all the damage and I know this means the cancer is growing in which it grows fast, I already feel it back in some nodes :(

Of course I've been talking to my family and friends about this and I've been pushing to feel better, in which they all stand behind me, they've seen all I've been through.

I'm now under the palliative care and I will no longer be running to several appointments, scans, blood draws.....another on forever one. Instead, I will have a nurse stop out once a week to check one my well being, they'll get all my meds for me, assist in ANYTHING that I may need, even the social worker, counselor, and Chaplin will come by if I ask. I must say I'm way less stressed now and I feel much better. Granted I'm on a very high dose of pain medications, they are doing a wonderful job of elevating them so they cut the pain, and yet not turn me into a zombie.

Right now I'm still able to take care of myself, but as things progress (which they say 2 months at best but we all know about the ones I've already beat, and the power of prayer) I will eventually be moving into The Daugherty Hospice", which is a BEAUTIFUL, peaceful, place. It's hard to grasp this and I'd be a liar if I told you I wasn't scared, I have so many things I want to do yet, I want to watch my children's lives prosper, I want to hold a grandchild, I want to see things, I've never been on a cruise, my all time dream.

I'm going to stop now so I can get this much submitted because I really need you all right now and I can't wait to see if anyone else has done this. I can't wait to hear what you think.

I'm not a quitter, I just want some good days, I want quality over quantity so I can at least do a few more small things, like yesterday I painted dog nails for the first time (My male Italian greyhound has pink nails, he's sporting them for BC awareness:). I see the world in another whole new light, as I did in August of 2009 when I was first diagnosed, only much brighter.

Miles of Love,
~Kari

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

Kari, I have put you on our prayer list at church. I hope that is ok with you. I really do believe that prayers work!

Lots of hugs,

Megan

Dot53
Posts: 236
Joined: Nov 2009

No words of wisdom from me...you know what is best for you... Just know that our hearts and minds are with you while you travel down your chosen road....And if you ever need us you know where we are...

Mountains of love,

Dotxo

teresa41's picture
teresa41
Posts: 453
Joined: Jun 2009

You are in my thoughts and prayers Kari ,

HUGS

Teresa

mamolady's picture
mamolady
Posts: 795
Joined: May 2011

Kari,
Not having chemo is does not make you a quitter. Only you can decide the turns your journey needs to take. It takes great courage just to even face the decisions you have been making for the last 3 years. I hope this part of your journey is everything you hope for. As for when your journey home begins, only God knows. My sister opted to not have chemo when CA found its way to her liver. The docs wanted to throw everything at it. She said enough. She out lasted their expectations. She also lived her life. She spent time with us and my dad. She took me to London. She put all her ducks in a row so I wouldn't have to deal with too much. For the most part, she was never sad. She knew it was all part of her journey and in the end she went home. She taught me more than she will ever know about courage and hope.
All the best in your journey,
Cindy

fauxma's picture
fauxma
Posts: 3535
Joined: Dec 2008

Kari,
I pray that if I ever have to make the decision that you have that I will have the grace, courage and strength that you have. You are inspiring and my prayers are that all the days that you have are filled with love and peace.
We have not often had someone that has reached this point and that has shared with us this decision. I think that it you have throughout this journey shared with us all the ups and downs with love, humor and encouragement.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you peace dear sister.

Ritzy's picture
Ritzy
Posts: 4384
Joined: Aug 2009

I wish I had a magic wand Kari, to erase the cancer from your body, but, I don't. Cancer really does suck! You've always been so uplifting and helpful to all of us on this board. You've given great advice, comforted us when we needed comforting and sent us strength, when we were weak. You truly are the best pink sister any of us could even dream of.

In reading your post, I did find peace in it, peace that you had decided to live your life and not have chemo make you feel ill or weak. I know that wasn't an easy decision Kari, I know it was very difficult to make. We all have to do whatever is best for us and you've done that. And, we all stand with you, supporting you and loving you.

I shed tears for you Kari... I truly wish you bright, happy and love filled days!

Sue :(

sbmly53
Posts: 1476
Joined: Jan 2010

You are an inspiration, heroic, not a quitter, brave beyond measure. Dear Kari, my heart and my prayers are with you.

Miles of love back to you,

Sue

GreeneyedGirl's picture
GreeneyedGirl
Posts: 1005
Joined: Sep 2008

Inspiring~Unforgettable~Strong~Thoughtful~Loved~♥♥♥
Dear,Dear Kari~I'm certain you feel all the love and care in these posts, as I read them, it gives me insight into the special moments we have as we share here~we build special relationships that minister to us in our times of need. The decisions you are making, I can only imagine how I would handle it. You have been thru so much that is for sure. I hope that you are truly able to be at peace, finding ways to go and just "breath", and enjoy some special moments with friends and loved ones. Find that mountain top, and just sit and let the sun shine on you. Go on that cruise and let the wind blow across your face. And in those moments that find you extremely challenged Know that WE are all thinking of you, and pouring strength and love your way~
Our pink sister~~♥♥
~Melanie

Chickadee1955's picture
Chickadee1955
Posts: 333
Joined: Apr 2010

Kari,

You are inspirational in your grace, courage and caring. Godspeed on your journey, Sister in Pink.

Deborah

Noel's picture
Noel
Posts: 3101
Joined: Apr 2009

Your courage, your will, your attitude truly blows me away Kari. You are woman, hear me roar comes to mind. I always knew you were amazing, but, now you are super amazing!

I truly wish the best for you and I hope and pray that every day is wonderful for you, filled with smiles, love and sunshine.

So much love and admiration,

Noel

ladyg's picture
ladyg
Posts: 1577
Joined: Apr 2010

I admire your courage in making the decision that is right for you. I know it could not have been easy but I think that having quality as opposed to quanity is a good choice. I hope that you get to do all of the things you want to do. I will be right here with all of the other sisters to support you.

Hugs,
Georgia

linpsu's picture
linpsu
Posts: 727
Joined: Mar 2010

Dearest Kari - you are one of the most courageous ladies that I've ever had the privilege to know. You have been through so much over the past three years, but yet you continue to inspire us. You have made a very difficult decision, but certainly it is the best one for you. Enjoy your life, take it easy, and do the things that make you happiest.
Much love,
Linda

survivorbc09
Posts: 4378
Joined: Jun 2009

You have a pic of your greyhound's nails? I bet it's really cool! It's nice knowing you're having fun and you made all of us smile with the nail painting.

Hugs, Jan

cahjah75's picture
cahjah75
Posts: 2623
Joined: Jun 2010

my heartfelt prayers are being sent your way. I too would want quality over quantity. I'm sorry this is happening to you. May you cherish the special moments with family and friends that are yet to come. {{hugs}}

weazer's picture
weazer
Posts: 440
Joined: Mar 2010

You are such a Warrior....So many Prayers and Hugs for you!
I bet your dog looks great with Pink nails.
Lots of Love.Karie

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7879
Joined: Aug 2005

I also feel that there comes a time when enough is enough. As you have, I have made my peace with my life and my hereafter, and will more than likely choose the 'quality' as well...

You are by no means a quitter, in my opinion, just a weary soul who wants peace. Both here and wherever you believe you will go in the hereafter.

I am stretching my arms across the miles to you, dear Kari....and, as my Navy dad would say "Fair winds and following seas"....and keep a light burning, will you, so I can find my way...

BIG hugs, darling! Kathi

Pink Rose
Posts: 495
Joined: Nov 2012

I am new here, so, I don't know you Kari, but from all of these posts I've read, you sound like you are very loved and very admired by everyone.

I am adding my prayers and best wishes to you.

Different Ballgame's picture
Different Ballgame
Posts: 870
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Kari,

I felt a wave of peace sail over you after reading your post. You made the decision that is best for you. You want quality over quantity. I pray that you have many quality days to do the "special" things that will bring you pleasure and give your family and friends good memories. I pray that your palliative doctor provides you with the best of medicines to keep you pain free as possible. It's difficult to tell you not to be afraid, but I believe with all my heart and soul that there are angels who will be watching over you during your hospice days and they will bring you to life everlasting, so have no fear.

God Bless You.

Lots of Love and Lots of Hugs,
Janelle

carkris's picture
carkris
Posts: 4523
Joined: Aug 2009

I dont think I can add anymore to the eloquent posts. knew a woman who made the same decision. She was at peace with her decision. Of course its hard for us because we love you and you have been here and such a part of us all. And forever will be. You are one of the strongest people I know.

Lynn Smith
Posts: 1265
Joined: Mar 2011

I feel like Megan. I didn't know what to write before.It was upsetting.I understand your decison.You're tired and your journey has been a tough one.Still there isn't any of us that want more than a MIRACLE to happen. I was upset about Nancy and then read this. I took a break for a day and came back today.I also think of the others here on this Board and all over the world that are fighting this beast or any cancer or other life threatening disease.I was dx in 2009 also.Had Stage 0 but I just feel down alot. We're losing our Pink Sisters and it hurts.

I hope you get to do the things you want.I'm still gonna pray for a MIRACLE.You're so brave to come here and tell us your decision. It had to be hard. But we want you to know we love you, support you and will be here if you need us.

THOUGHTS and PRAYERS to you and your family.We are thinking of you.

Lynn Smith

Tux's picture
Tux
Posts: 541
Joined: Aug 2009

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us.
(((Hugs))) and prayers sent your way.....

Gabe N Abby Mom's picture
Gabe N Abby Mom
Posts: 2415
Joined: Sep 2010

Kari,

I hope you feel the miles of love wrapping around you right now. And I will continue to keep you wrapped in miles of love.

Hugs,

Linda

Kat11's picture
Kat11
Posts: 1931
Joined: May 2009

Dear Kari, I understand, Your courage and your grace is an inspiration to to us all. We stand with you holding you close. With love and lots of hugs
Kathy

debsweb18
Posts: 190
Joined: Jun 2012

I can't imagine what you're going through. I think you're very brave for making your decision.

Deb

Dawne.Hope's picture
Dawne.Hope
Posts: 820
Joined: Sep 2009

Dearest Kari,

My prayers are with you.

You are not a quitter.

You are beautiful.

You are a survivor.

You are a fighter.

We love you here. You are a light and an encouragement to everyone on here.

One of my favorite things I've seen on TV that is cancer related is that none of us have an expiration date written on us. No one knows how long you have left. None of us know for ourselves. All we can do is live every day to its fullest. I pray that you have many more days ... all the days you have left ... would be filled with peace, love, joy and comfort.

Love to you, dear one! We love you. We are praying for you. We are thankful for you.

Wish I could be there to hug you in person! xoxo

jnl's picture
jnl
Posts: 3873
Joined: May 2009

Dawne Hope, you echoed what every sister on here feels for Kari! Thank you!

Leeza

MyTurnNow's picture
MyTurnNow
Posts: 2694
Joined: Aug 2009

Kari, sending miles of love your way. You have had to make many tough decisions since beginning your battle with the beast. You have been through so much and always with such grace. I agree with your decision because it is one made by you and taking into account your desires. I totally agree with quality over quantity. I am hoping for the good days that you so deserve so you can enjoy your time and create even more memories for you and your loved ones. We are always here for you and I think of you often.

Take care of yourself and keep in touch when you can! I'm sending you strength and love!!

(((Hugs))),

Debbie

survivorbc09
Posts: 4378
Joined: Jun 2009

Thanks Dawne!

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

I too am saddened by your story only because I have had friends and family have to choose between living feeling well or better than always feeling ill from meds and treatments. I have always looked at this Breast Cancer fight as a fight for the Quality in my life and have fought long and hard over the past 15 years for that one thing.
It isn't easy making any kind of choices when fear is the driver it seems but "Facing our FEARS and Doing IT ANYWAYS" should be more like a song we should here than the title of a book I read long before my Cancer battle.
Cancer proved to me a long time ago that if Quality wasn't apart of the big picture then Quantity didn't really mean anything to me. No you haven't given up you have once again taken control of your life. Truly there isn't anything finer than knowing what we have control of and what we do not. Simple but not easy... Your children are very lucky...

Thinking of you
Tara

Barb A's picture
Barb A
Posts: 101
Joined: Jun 2009

Kari, as the others have said, you need to do what is best for you. I admire your courage and strength. By sharing this with us, it provides guidance in showing grace and class. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Barb A

laughs_a_lot's picture
laughs_a_lot
Posts: 1368
Joined: Mar 2011

of Christ carry you through this time.

lintx's picture
lintx
Posts: 456
Joined: Sep 2012

I've read all of your recent threads and cannot express enough how tough I feel you've been. I would hope to be able to make decisions for myself in the gracious way you've handled yours. Please continue to post to us. We love you. Linda

tommaseena's picture
tommaseena
Posts: 1771
Joined: Feb 2009

Kari,
You are not a quiter because you are making the decision in which you need the rest of your life to be. If you were a quiter then you would not be doing that and you would have you children making those decisions for you.

Someone suggested writing letters to your children but it would be unique and very special from the heart if you wrote one to grandchild(ren) in general as well just letting them that you will always be watching over them and will always be their special angel--which you are.

You are one brave, kick ass pink sister.

Love you,
Margo

Pinky68's picture
Pinky68
Posts: 206
Joined: Jul 2012

I think and pray for you everyday..actually several times a day!!
Love, Joy

Skeezie's picture
Skeezie
Posts: 583
Joined: Aug 2009

I only come here occasionally, mainly to see how my old friends are and you have been on my mind. I have come to "know" you these past 3 years and have followed your journey. You are the true meaning of grace under pressure. Always smiling, always thinking of all of us. You are a true hero and leader. Quitter? No way. You have made a very wise and thoughtful decision and I admire you so much.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

"Miles and Miles" of hugs,
Judy

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

Hi Kari! I'm always on the lookout to see if you've updated us as to how you are doing and what you're doing. I know you're busy, but, check in with us from time to time.

Loving hugs,

Kylez

mariam_11_09's picture
mariam_11_09
Posts: 693
Joined: Nov 2009

I have never seen decisions such as yours as one of quitting but quiet surrender to the reality of live in a given moment. It takes a great deal of courage and strength to make a decision like this. It is bitter sweet. I feel so sad and my heart aches that you are in the position or need to make such a decision and also offer my support to you. Will continue to pray for you, that you are supported and guided to do whatever is best for you.

much love and bigh hug to
Mariam

kacee999
Posts: 109
Joined: Oct 2012

I agree 100% with Quality over Quantity! I don't blame you for wanting good days and heaven knows you don't get that while riding on the chemo wagon! Live to the fullest, love everyone around you and love the time you have!

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