Oct 26, 2012 - 1:39 pm
First of all, I need to apologize again for taking so long to get back to my CSN Family. I've made the biggest decision In my LIFE this past week and I pray with all my heart that it was the right one.
I've been on chemo or rads for over 3 years, and had a lot of rough s/e. I've had MANY operations to include my bilateral, both ovaries, lattisamus flap immediate recon with all of 3 surgeons, under the lights for 7 hours, all sides opened up for something.....I'm not going to type my story, I'll certainly share if you ask. We've been chasing my TNBC for over 3 years and we just can't seem to catch the beast.
My team, mostly my Onc. say I've outlived many sentences by average. I know this is true but along the way I endured SO SO much, as we all do.
We, meaning me,myself, and I have decided its time to just let palliative care doc (whom I REALLY like) manage my pain while I live my life. I can say I feel great right now, I haven't had that awful Doxil in over a month. My body is trying to heal from all the damage and I know this means the cancer is growing in which it grows fast, I already feel it back in some nodes :(
Of course I've been talking to my family and friends about this and I've been pushing to feel better, in which they all stand behind me, they've seen all I've been through.
I'm now under the palliative care and I will no longer be running to several appointments, scans, blood draws.....another on forever one. Instead, I will have a nurse stop out once a week to check one my well being, they'll get all my meds for me, assist in ANYTHING that I may need, even the social worker, counselor, and Chaplin will come by if I ask. I must say I'm way less stressed now and I feel much better. Granted I'm on a very high dose of pain medications, they are doing a wonderful job of elevating them so they cut the pain, and yet not turn me into a zombie.
Right now I'm still able to take care of myself, but as things progress (which they say 2 months at best but we all know about the ones I've already beat, and the power of prayer) I will eventually be moving into The Daugherty Hospice", which is a BEAUTIFUL, peaceful, place. It's hard to grasp this and I'd be a liar if I told you I wasn't scared, I have so many things I want to do yet, I want to watch my children's lives prosper, I want to hold a grandchild, I want to see things, I've never been on a cruise, my all time dream.
I'm going to stop now so I can get this much submitted because I really need you all right now and I can't wait to see if anyone else has done this. I can't wait to hear what you think.
I'm not a quitter, I just want some good days, I want quality over quantity so I can at least do a few more small things, like yesterday I painted dog nails for the first time (My male Italian greyhound has pink nails, he's sporting them for BC awareness:). I see the world in another whole new light, as I did in August of 2009 when I was first diagnosed, only much brighter.
Miles of Love,