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Husband a hinder

ptharp
Posts: 190
Joined: Oct 2012

I know this is a very personal topic. My husband is an alcoholic although not sure if he would agree with me. I am concerned because I will need him in the coming months if not years a head. I really care for him, even love him; however, I was thinking strongly about leaving him before my diagnosis. Now I feel that I can not do it because I need him and do not need the stress of a divorce. Has anyone out there had to deal with the same issue. How did you deal with it. Looking for some pointers.

Tethys41's picture
Tethys41
Posts: 1053
Joined: Sep 2010

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I was going to leave my husband a week before my CT scan showed ovarian cancer, but decided to give it one more try, before I learned of the test results. He was there for me through my illness, but was using alcohol a lot, which resulted in his being mentally abusive. After a particularly heated blow up, I told him that if that ever happened again we were through. I had never said anything like that to him before. He stopped drinking any alcohol and worked with me through counseling to get our marriage on track. Although things weren't very rosey for quite awhile after I was out of treatment, I focused on myself and let him deal with his own feelings and issues. He's a much happier person these days and our marriage is better than it has ever been. I was fortunate that he was willing to work on the marriage. If he had not been, the stress of our marriage would have been more than I would have wanted to handle and I would have divorced him. Not until I felt ready and strong enough to, but I would have. I hope you find a solution that works for you. I hope he is willing to make some changes.

Tethys41's picture
Tethys41
Posts: 1053
Joined: Sep 2010

two posts

Lisa 00
Posts: 108
Joined: Jul 2009

I am not married, but I can share my post-treatment experience. It was about a year and a half after my diagnosis and surgery that I found myself having less patience with friends that I had had ongoing problems with. It is now 3.5 years after diagnosis and surgery for me and I have now ditched 3 friends who I felt I wasn't getting much from and who were taking way too much from me. My feelings were, "I didn't go through all of this cancer, treatments, etc. so that I could put up with this."
I don't know if this rings true for anyone else, but maybe it is something to watch out for. All I can say is that I still feel that getting rid of those 3 friends was one of the best things I have ever done. I'm not saying in any way that this applies to a marriage, but cancer definately changed my outlook.

kikz's picture
kikz
Posts: 1267
Joined: Jun 2010

let go of anyone but I do find I have little tolerance for negativity. I feel if I am able to remain positive while dealing with my illness I don't want to listen to people crab about petty problems. I know everyone has their own stuff to deal with and believe me I use to "sweat all the small stuff" but now realize that is not the way to live.

I hope you can come to terms with your relationship and hopefully your husband will deal with his issues. As we have come to learn, life is too short.

Karen

debrajo's picture
debrajo
Posts: 732
Joined: Sep 2011

I've had issues with my husband, just things that were left to fester. But I think it was "Dear Abby" that said, "ask yourself two questions, 1. Are you better off with him, 2."Or are you better off without him"? You have to choose for you...no one else.

Glad to be done's picture
Glad to be done
Posts: 558
Joined: Jul 2012

I have no problems with my husband. He was a saint during my treatments. I have a problem with a friend of mine. Infact her nicknames are negative nancy and eyeore....This is someone who I used to be very close too. She admitted to me in the summer that she had to back away from me when I was sick because she didn't know how to act. She is just a miserable person. How do you react to someone that says that to you and then comes back to be your friend when it is all over and you are good again... She came to the impromptu party we had when I found out my scan was clean and she sat and didn't say a word and basicly texted people and played on her phone. I love her husband. He is the best. He was a rock through my treatments. He is one of my husbands close friends so he was constantly calling to check on us. Her - nothing.

You have to do what is best for you. Would your husband do couseling with you? How he is during treatment will say alot. You are putting that "in sickness and health" into full swing now.

I wish the best with your choice.... You certainly don't need this stress right now

"

Mwee's picture
Mwee
Posts: 1316
Joined: Nov 2009

the family members and other people around us. I, also, have a lower tolerance having people around me who are negative. I don't think that you should make any big decisions right now, but I'm not in your shoes and only you know what you can tolerate. It took me a long time after my dx to begin to deal with my emotions. I spent way too much energy trying to make everyone around feel better about it. Many of us are caretakers by nature and are used to being the helpers. My pointer would be to put all your energies into getting well and strong and to surround yourself with the most positive and loving people you know. Studies have shown that positivity can take you far in fighting this illness. I've been living with this for a long time... 6 1/2 years. For you and those close to you, it's early days. Your husband probably hasn't begun to deal with this. We're right here for you and don't worry about personal topics..... I think we're Personal Topics-R-Us around here. ((((HUGS)))) Maria

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