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garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied..
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Gary - Started backtracking on your Friday funnies, and ran across this one that I missed until now. An unopened present! Thank you for all the smiles you give. . .

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,
sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- Doctor told me I had to quit drinking."

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Don't know where you get them Gary but they're great - keep 'em coming!!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

MedScanMan's picture
MedScanMan
Posts: 108
Joined: Jul 2012

So, a Rabbi and a Priest have been best friends in Brooklyn since Grammar School. One day the Rabbi says to his best friend “Father…..just how far can you go in this field of yours. The Priest says, “What do you mean Rabbi? He says…..really “how far can you go in this field you’ve picked"? The Priest says well…….If I’m a good Priest one day after some time in the neighborhood and higher education I might become a monsignor. The Rabbi says and that’s it…..you can’t go any further than that? He says well Rabbi, after my work as Monsignor years down the road I might be promoted to the position of Bishop. His friend the Rabbi says, so that’s it, you can’t go any further than that. He says Rabbi, what do you want me to say…..after years of working as the local Bishop I might become a Cardinal…..I never thought that far down the line, but it’s possible. I might just become a Cardinal. The Priest is now smiling, thinking of himself as a Cardinal when his friend the Rabbi says……so that’s the end. Once you’re a Cardinal you have nowhere else to go? He says, Rabbi what’s wrong with you……what are you looking for here….you want me to tell that you that one day I might be called to the Vatican to become one of the seven Cardinals to the Pope? Is that what you want me to say? Would that be enough for you? The Rabbi says, so let’s say you’re at the Vatican…..Now you’re working directly for the Pope. That’s the end. You go nowhere from there? He says Rabbi…..what do you want me to say? You want me to tell you that one day I might become the Pope? The Rabbi takes a second and says to his friend…OK you’re now the Pope….Is that it? That’s the end? Your career is now over? No more promotions? The priest screams at his friend and says…..What do you want me to say Rabbi, that One day I might become Jesus Christ? The Rabbi looks at his friend and says “Well…..One of Our Boys made it!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I like it!! :-)

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

If you choke a Smurf...what color does he turn?

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I recently learned I have sexdaily

Errr...I Mean dyslexia

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Luckily we're not limited to Friday, so, Gary: Alice invited scrutiny of her expressions page about the orange "ribbons". Now I'm no expert in such matters but please take a look and tell me - isn't that more like bondage gear? What d'ya think?

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

* Golf balls are like eggs ~ they're white. They're sold by the dozen ..... and a week later you have to buy more.

* A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

* It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

* When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard or go to church?

* Golf is by far the ultimate love/hate relationship. Sometimes it seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over.

* It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

* A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfers from giving up the game.

* Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or alligators either.

* Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

* A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

* That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

* If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

* If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a 6 or a 7, he probably shot an 8.

* You probably wouldn’t look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine!

* Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.

* It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not choosy about which fairway.

* If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.

* The greatest sound in golf is the Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh of your opponent’s club as he hurls it across the fairway.

* A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there's ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Nice stuff Gary and more than a hint of truth in there too!

I offer you this in return - you've got to love the beautiful writing:

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. 'What gobbledy**** is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water. It's an environment protection initiative."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Anti-discrimination requirements, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled....."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt; haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety again! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: ""As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case. kiss me, Hardy."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk.

And if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

(If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it

again! Males will get it the first time.)

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Too terribly true Gary. I have this problem all the time, in the general form:

"I don't see how that relates to what you just said."
"It doesn't - I just changed the subject."
"Well how was I supposed to know?"
"You've got to keep up!"

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:

"We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

NewDay's picture
NewDay
Posts: 174
Joined: May 2012

A friend of mine, fed up with her husband sitting around the house, scolded him for being lazy. He replied "I know it may appear that way, but at a cellular level, I'm really quite busy."

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Apologies to all our smart blondes here - you probably know who you are?!

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-,_,.-:*?`?*

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,. -:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
Unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*

SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'

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