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Its Friday!!!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied..
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

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My sex life is like a Ferrari...
I don't have a Ferrari.

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I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding was. He is going to be real pissed when he finds out what the divorce is going to cost.

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My mother-in0law is coming for a visit...
I had to clear out half my closet so she would have a place to sleep hanging upside down.

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I once won an argument with a woman...
In this dream I had.

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I'm writing a book about reverse psychology...
Please don't buy it.

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I tried exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed, and my heart raced. I got sweaty all over and short of breath, very dangerous.

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My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.

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I want one of those jobs where people ask, "Do you actually get paid for doing this?"

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If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, "If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick?"

Never give two names.

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Its funny, when my wife gives me the "silent treatment", she thinks its a punishment.

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If there was a way to read a woman's mind, I'm not sure I would want to.
I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I'm annoying.

-------------------------------------------------

Men have feelings too...
Foe example, sometimes we feel hungry.

-------------------------------------------------

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong...

I can't wait to find out what it was.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

11. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

13. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

14. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Max Power's picture
Max Power
Posts: 60
Joined: Sep 2012

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was harangued for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he quickly replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Two Stories BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!!!!

STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.

He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:

"The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just

when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own.

Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still."

STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrierLexington in the South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft. This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of WWII, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WWII hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

(Pretty cool, eh!)

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Wow Gary.

You have this uncanny ability to make us laugh, to make us cry, and to make us worry about how much time you have 'til your wife takes you out.

P.S. This one was a chill and tear maker.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Thank you Alice, you are too kind...I do find life to be a balance of laughter and tears and while I seem blessed with a wicked sense of humor my soft and serious side is easily more powerful.

I do hope you meant take me out to dinner and not the woodshed!! LOL

Gary

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A blonde's friend told her, "Christmas is on a Friday this year...."

The blonde then said, "Well I hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"

She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

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A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"

She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.

Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

"Here boy!" she replies.

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A blonde is in jail. A guard looks in her cell and sees her hanging by her feet.

"What the heck you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"It should be around your neck!" says the Guard.

"I know," she replies, "but I couldn't breathe."

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(Now this one actually makes sense... lol )

An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off

their boats into the water?"

To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

With apologies to the prudish:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 394
Joined: Feb 2009

Just received a cartoon from my Bro.
Two trick or teaters, a ghost and a monster with his face mask up looking into the sack as they walk away from the guy's porch. The monster looks into the bag and says, "Sh--! More Auburn Tickets."
Auburn's not doing too well.
So Go Oregon State U!!!
Donna

Max Power's picture
Max Power
Posts: 60
Joined: Sep 2012

One of the most sought-after of the Spice Islands (now Indonesia) was the little island of Run where nutmeg, thought to have medicinal value, was found. Early on the English claimed it, but in 1615 the Dutch took over the area and cleared out the English.

In 1667, after a long Dutch-English war, England finally won. Among other treaty disputes was regaining ownership of Run. The Dutch didn't want to give it up so they offered in exchange another remote and fairly unused island, called Manhattan.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts:
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh**ting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the
time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all
my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you go to the country club and waste it on golf?"

"No, I had to quit playing golf when I gave up drinking."

"Will you spend this on hunting instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, golf and hunting ."

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

but you should see him when he has a wave of mass hysteria!

donna_lee's picture
donna_lee
Posts: 394
Joined: Feb 2009

As I said, for you gentlemen on various and assorted drugs have repeatedly stated you are happy when things shrink.
Hah!! That'll be the day.
Donna

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1876
Joined: Oct 2011

Talk dirty to me Donna, talk dirty to me.

pjune127's picture
pjune127
Posts: 127
Joined: Dec 2011

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, butthought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said..............................
.
.
.
.
.
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a f.....g Chihuahua?!"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

This one seems to recirculate every 4 years, of course the name changes.

One sunny day in January 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. " Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

" DON'T SELL THAT COW."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Boys:

At a high school in Florida , a group of male students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats:
1, 2 and 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No.3.

And you thought there was nothing to do in Florida !

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Two nuns were riding bicycles through the streets of their Irish town.

When they turned onto a street one was not familiar with she said "I've not come this way before."

"Aye" said the other sister, "Its the cobblestones."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You have to keep running home to pee.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

It may amuse you Gary to know that Boris Karloff was an old boy of my school, though I never knew him.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Sorry, not yet late enough for me to come out!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.......

A fart can occur
in a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces ..

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

That farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
Lest we never forget........
Sweet old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - doesn't it?

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

GOTCHA!! Now put your tongue back in your mouth, you look silly.

10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are smiling at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. Man you're easy!
9) You smile at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone else does it too.
10) You are probably going to share this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this because I didn't want to be alone in the "Idiot" category.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was hit by a bus and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs
are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another
dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the
floor.

4. A dog's parents never
visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Back to you Gary!
_______________________

Why Some Women Have Dogs And Not Husbands

1. A dog is always willing to listen to you—without trying to solve all your problems.

2. Dogs will eat anything you give them—happily and without complaining.

3. Dogs don’t have mothers-in-law who find fault with everything you do (or don’t do) for their “precious boy.”

4. A dog will never ask if he can buy a boat.

5. Dogs do not spend 5 hours playing golf.

6. Dogs are happy to watch romantic comedies, rather than football.

7. Dogs are loyal. Even if they hump your best friend’s leg, they will do it in front of you and not try to go home with her.

8. Dogs will never complain about how much you spend on personal grooming.

9. A dog will never contradict you in front of your child or give you small appliances for your birthday or Christmas.

10. A dog will never use all the hot water and leave soppy towels on the bathroom floor.

11. Dogs think you are just as attractive now as you were 20 lbs. ago.

12. A dog will kiss you when you are crying your eyes out—not accuse you of being “manipulative.”

13. A dog does not believe he can fix anything just because he has a Y chromosome. His manhood will not be threatened when you call a plumber.

And last, but not least:

I4. You can neuter a dog anytime you want.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Was your name Lorena and were you once married to a different guy named John?

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

I named my i Pod Titanic, it's syncing now.

I tried to catch some Fog... I mist.

When chemists die... they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went... then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns... it was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory, I hope there's no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection,,, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home... details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Crap!!

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ***** who made you sad.

When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

When you are worried~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

When you are sick ~Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

This is my oath .....I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

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Max Power
Posts: 60
Joined: Sep 2012

In the War of 1812, after the British burned the US captiol building, they continued to march through Maryland. The locals pretty much left them alone but in one town, a local magistrate arrested a couple of redcoats who were drunk and causing trouble. One redcoat escaped and soon the jailed redcoat was rescued and the magistrate was in turn arrested and brought to a British ship for trial.

The magistrate said he needed legal representation so they sent to shore for a local lawyer who came on board. But the trial couldn't take place that day because the British ships were busy bombing Fort McHenry. The lawyer's name: Francis Scott Key

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Max Power
Posts: 60
Joined: Sep 2012

Receptionist: Doctor! There is an invisible man in the lobby who wants a diagnosis.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him.

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Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Damn, is it really Sunday already - where did Friday and Saturday get to?

I just dug this out to send to someone and I like it so much I didn't want to risk forgetting to put it up for next Friday, when I may have other things on my mind.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level
from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and
"Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in
Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are
worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies,
just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to
continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying
paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New
Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come
and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Mark Lytle
Professor of History and Environmental Studies
Bard College, Annandale, NY 12504

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

AND ..... if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

My Uncle Carl lived in Chicago, was a staunch conservative, and voted straight Republican until the day he died.

Since then, every year, he has voted as a Democrat.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured since you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

I'll drink to that Gary!

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garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

There was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY NEW JAGUAR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "Well, you lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I'll bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing too, did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked at his left side and exclaimed "OH MY GOD, MY ROLEX!"

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Not me Gary. My watch packed up a few weeks ago and I've been saving up. Just bought a new one and it cost less than 10 bucks.

Collected my first issue of Votrient this afternoon. My Wife is setting up a video camera ready to film my hair turning white.

The leaflet says I should be taking the caplets with water and that "Your blood pressure will be checked before you take Votrient and while you are taking it" - I've got the water ready but my Wife's getting the camera so there's no-one here to take my blood pressure!

I've hit a problem already. They say "Read all of this leaflet carefully before you start taking this medicine" but I can't read German or Dutch. I wonder if it's OK for me to use an interpreter - any advice anyone?

With the fast-growing new tumour, my right side is feeling rather sore so I'm hoping for a side effect as soon as possible!

Well, dinner will be ready soon. I needed to take the med at least an hour before eating and it's taken me half an hour to read the leaflet so I seem to have missed the first window already.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

T,

I'm German and my wife is dutch, but neither of us be be of any use to you as an interpreter I'm afraid.

There once was a young man whom after boasting that he was fluent in all known languages except Greek was handed a note written in Chinese to which he exclaimed "That's Greek to me!"

I know I am not alone in wishing you the best and holding my breath while awaiting your results. If anybody can make this work, you are the one. You have the spirit, attitude, and knowledge, when added to the prayers coming your way from around the globe I see nothing but a successful outcome. Perhaps sleeping upside down in a cave will keep your hair from turning.

Oh, the watch;

There was the guy that lived next door to two lesbians. When they gave him a Timex for X-Mas he was puzzled and asked "What's with the Timex?" "Well," they said "when we asked what you would like for X-Mas you said "I wanna watch!"

Hang in there my friend,

Gary

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garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and
knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is as doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master,

"Master, Master!..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

You could have heard a pin drop;

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"

De Gaulle did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not
return."
You could have heard a pin drop.

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
You could have heard a pin drop.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop.

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible..Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."
You could have heard a pin drop.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

A Liverpool Love Story

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain... "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry.”

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

HOLY HUMOR

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember
These four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "He couldn't, he only had two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." It soon became part of her nightly routine to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.

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