Sep 30, 2012 - 6:50 pm
I told my husband that I am not happy and that he has no clue how I feel, he said he is happy. So I guess there isn't a problem. I know I don't or can't know how he feels with what he is going through but I can't just forget about me. People look at me and think I am a because I am thinking about me. But how can I care for anyone if I'm not all there or at least content? I have put him first since the day I met him and I feel lost, hopeless, alone. I have no friends, family is too far away. Kids are busy. I'm just in this hole alone and I'm falling apart.
We obviously have money problems since he has been going through chemo for 3 years and my husband told me its my fault we are broke. I am shocked. I thought we are broke because he only works about 2.5 or 3 weeks a month. But don't get me wrong if he is ill I don't want him to go to work. But while I work long hours and juggle bills to provide a good home and keep us afloat it turns out this is MY fault. As I sit here crying while I type this I am shocked I let my life get this way. I was the rowdy girl that stood up for herself and got what she wanted but at 47 I look at my life and see I am a failure.
I want to leave him but I know he won't be able to handle his own bills and he has no family that can help him. He has no clue what I do to keep him alive. We travel to Cancer Treatment Centers of America so there is so much more to do with scheduling, driving or flying etc. The doctors say they can't cure him just control it. And if I leave I know he will not be able to do this alone. So while I am trying to keep him alive I am killing myself. I write this and think wow what a I am to think about myself when here this man is ill. But are you supposed to forget you exist for someone else? Do I stay to keep him alive and then worry about myself later?
I love my husband and he has hurt me dearly and I am so unhappy because I don't think he cares about me. He has been my best friend but I am so fed up my head just screams at me to pack my stuff, get an apartment, move out and be done with it. Then he would see all that I do and juggle but then there is no turning back.