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Second mastectomy for me

Blondiemomma's picture
Blondiemomma
Posts: 41
Joined: Apr 2012

I failed the first mammogram after my diagnosis and unilateral mastectomy. The lump in my remaining breast had innocent and not so innocent features so I had ultrasounds, compression views, stabbed to see if was fluid filled or not. Then had a biopsy. It came out okay but I was devastated anyway. I don't think I can keep going through this so I asked for a prophylactic mastectomy. My saline reconstruction on the left looks like Frankinboob because I lost 50 pounds during chemo. He couldn't hardly match the remaining breast. My PS said that I will need silicone or much larger saline implants.

Now I think I'm driving myself insane worrying if I'm doing the right thing. I guess I'll just come out and say it....I'm terrified that everything will turn out to be a nightmare just because I want a prophylactic mastectomy and silicone boobs that sort of match. Unfortunately this is my nature. I felt a failure to get cancer and again now even more a failure that I just couldn't woman up and get back to living.

My PS asked me how I felt about going through this mess again and I told him I could. I didn't have cancer and the fear chemo surrounding this surgery. Now that it is late, I should have been in bed hours ago, I and tormented in fears of what could happen to me in some weird punishment for wanting to be done with breast cancer and have two new boobs.

salls41's picture
salls41
Posts: 340
Joined: Apr 2012

I am sorry you are going through this. I am also sorry you feel such guilt but I do understand it... the cancer being a punishment for some horrible act or something and now the second mastectomy problems, maybe feel guilty for being "vain" about yourself? I don't have answers for this kind of guilt, but I think most of us have at one time or another had similar thoughts, some more so than others I am sure and maybe not to the same extent.
I hope you find peace in this and know that you are not alone. I think there are more ladies out there that may have a better answer for you. I personally can't help. I had my bi-lateral because I didn't want the return of Cancer in the other breast and I hope this will prevent it. My vanity was not an issue at the time, however as my reconstruction began, I felt a renewed excitement about having nice new boobs! I was 10 days from getting them and putting all of this behind me! I got an infection and my expanders were removed and my hopes of a new me disappeared overnight. I wondered for days was it because I was excited to get new boobs and had started to put cancer behind me that I was hit again? Who knows, I just have to live one day at a time, put these thoughts out of my head and be thankful for each good day.
Good luck to you! I pray for good results for you! You deserve it~

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

I am so sorry that you even are faced with this decision. I do wish you good luck and keep us updated on what you decide to do, and, if you have the surgery, we will get the pink bus out for you and support you all the way.

Hugs, Lex

Blondiemomma's picture
Blondiemomma
Posts: 41
Joined: Apr 2012

Reading the posts on this discussion board helps me realize that we are not alone in this. While I was waiting for the first mastectomy, I was victim of the horrors of my own imagination. I didn't know about the group then but I do now. I have moments (hours?) of fear of the unknown. I didn't do so good in my last surgery and ended up in the cardiac unit. That's why I am so conflicted. I am asking for this mastectomy because I'm pretty sure I can't EVER go through chemo again. I'm scared of cancer coming back and I'm also scared of having surgery again.

Then I realize that it is important to stop and breathe. It helps knowing there are caring, beautiful people out there that understand.

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

Yes, we do care and we do understand! Don't forget that! I will be praying for a successful surgery and a quick recovery for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Angie

Blondiemomma's picture
Blondiemomma
Posts: 41
Joined: Apr 2012

Reading the posts on this discussion board helps me realize that we are not alone in this. While I was waiting for the first mastectomy, I was victim of the horrors of my own imagination. I didn't know about the group then but I do now. I have moments (hours?) of fear of the unknown. I didn't do so good in my last surgery and ended up in the cardiac unit. That's why I am so conflicted. I am asking for this mastectomy because I'm pretty sure I can't EVER go through chemo again. I'm scared of cancer coming back and I'm also scared of having surgery again.

Then I realize that it is important to stop and breathe. It helps knowing there are caring, beautiful people out there that understand.

heart-in-hand
Posts: 92
Joined: Sep 2012

The chemo was so hard for me too. I feel so much for the sisters going through it right now in their treatments. I can understand your decision though. It makes sense to me! Can you toss this around to someone close to you? Just to confirm that they feel it is also the best way to go? My husband is my sounding board, and his feed back is always good common sense.

Kay

Kristin N's picture
Kristin N
Posts: 1969
Joined: Mar 2009

Is your mind made up for sure? When is your surgery? I am glad you found us. This group is a lifeline to all of us.

♥ Kristin ♥

Blondiemomma's picture
Blondiemomma
Posts: 41
Joined: Apr 2012

I did make up my mind. I just had to step back a minute and listen. I always wished God would tell me what's best loud and clear. What I think really happens is when I hear the voice of The Lord, it comes with a feeling of peace. Date is set for January 11th. Having a prophylactic mastectomy may not be right for everyone, but it is for me! Not looking forward to the surgery and recovery but I will heal.

Thank you for asking.

Agalia

Kylez's picture
Kylez
Posts: 3765
Joined: May 2009

I know you aren't looking forward to this surgery Agalia, but, you have to do whatever is right and the best choice for you. We support you and will be with you on the pink bus in January!

Hugs, Kylez

kacee999
Posts: 110
Joined: Oct 2012

I had a lumpectomy first and then my sentinel node came back positive and I said CUT EM ALL OFF!!!!! So they did. I am VERYhappy I did that. First of all, it gives a level "playing field" for the implants. It is nearly impossible match a real boob and an implant without potentially having to do some tweaking to the real boob. No thanks. I am 5 months post-chemo and have to wait a year for the skin to fully heal from my rads before my plastic surgeon will touch me. I even thought of NOT getting reconstruction, but decided on it anyway. The big C is a great equalizer. No one is immune from the loftiest government official to the bum on the street...Look, you are not a failure or in any way deficient for getting cancer, and certainly not for opting for a bi-lateral. I felt not doing it would make me feel like I was walking around with a time bomb on my chest. No thanks. I am completely satisfied that I did it...no regrets. I HOPE my implants will come out okay, but if they don't...hey...I'm walking around aren't I? I am alive. That's what counts in all this! Talk to your doctor about possibly taking some anit-depressives during this time. They will willingly give them to you because depression is a big problem with this situation. It helped me cope with the horrors of chemo and the rads. And above all, in all this you HAVE to have a positive attitude because that affects your recovery SOOOOOOO much.

Kristin N's picture
Kristin N
Posts: 1969
Joined: Mar 2009

I am glad you made your mind up. Wishing you the best!

CypressCynthia's picture
CypressCynthia
Posts: 4017
Joined: Oct 2009

Just to let you know, I had a left mastectomy in 1987. Then, after 2 sisters were diagnosed, my surgeon and I made the decision to have the right side removed preventively in about 1995. I never had the implants because the first mastectomy site wasn't a candidate for an implant (tumor too large, breast too small, etc.). Both breasts were made from my own tissue: first a DIEP abdominal pull through, then a SGAP free flap.

Anyway, here I am about 17 years since the second surgery and I have never regretted my decision. My breasts aren't perfect, but I am soooo happy not to have mammograms, biopsies, etc anymore.

Noel's picture
Noel
Posts: 3101
Joined: Apr 2009

We'll be with you January 11th! It gives us plenty of time to get the pink bus in for some much needed maintenance. LOL

Wishing you the best,

Noel

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