Sep 30, 2012 - 2:26 am
I failed the first mammogram after my diagnosis and unilateral mastectomy. The lump in my remaining breast had innocent and not so innocent features so I had ultrasounds, compression views, stabbed to see if was fluid filled or not. Then had a biopsy. It came out okay but I was devastated anyway. I don't think I can keep going through this so I asked for a prophylactic mastectomy. My saline reconstruction on the left looks like Frankinboob because I lost 50 pounds during chemo. He couldn't hardly match the remaining breast. My PS said that I will need silicone or much larger saline implants.
Now I think I'm driving myself insane worrying if I'm doing the right thing. I guess I'll just come out and say it....I'm terrified that everything will turn out to be a nightmare just because I want a prophylactic mastectomy and silicone boobs that sort of match. Unfortunately this is my nature. I felt a failure to get cancer and again now even more a failure that I just couldn't woman up and get back to living.
My PS asked me how I felt about going through this mess again and I told him I could. I didn't have cancer and the fear chemo surrounding this surgery. Now that it is late, I should have been in bed hours ago, I and tormented in fears of what could happen to me in some weird punishment for wanting to be done with breast cancer and have two new boobs.