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He bailed on me...

44ducks
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2012

3 years ago I underwent treatment for breast cancer. After I started treatment, my husband of 13 years told me he didn't want to be married anymore. I should mention, I also have Multiple Sclerosis and Diabetes. When I asked if he would come to chemo treatment with me, he told me he didn't have time for that. He stopped talking to me, moved out of our bedroom. He didn't touch or kiss me for almost two years. He even drew up divorce papers and left them on our bed. I wasn't strong enough to move on. I loss all of my hair and my dignity. Even though our marriage was far from perfect, I never saw it coming. We tried counseling, where he declared he never wanted to be married. But as I got better, he decided he wanted to stay married, because he didn't want to lose the house or the boys. However, the damage was done. And, though he never said why, or sorry, we began trying to repair our relationship. But, for as much as I once loved him, I haven't been able to come to grips with the fact that he bailed on me when I needed him the most. He didn't love me enough as a wife, the mother of his children, or a friend. June 2012, I took my children and I left. They have asked me why I won't go back. It's so much deeper than we just don't get along. He broke one of the most important marriage vows "in sickness and in health". And, I have proof that he's been unfaithful. Though he says he's sorry now, and that he'll never do it again, I find no comfort in those words. I'm afraid I'll die from the mental and emotional stress of fighting for someone who clearly didn't love me enough to take care of me at the lowest point of my life. I chose to move and not fight for the house, but I don't want them to think I'm the real cause. The cancer and MS are in remission. Do I tell my children about him? And, if so, how? Or do I continue to protect them from the ugly truth. Lastly, if he was afraid of losing me to cancer. Shouldn't his love for me be greater than his fear. My brain is soooo tired of thinking about it.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1315
Joined: Aug 2010

Nothing has to be done right this minute except that you have to breathe.

How old are the children? The right time will present itself and, frankly, your children probably have better instincts about this than you might be giving them credit for.

You owe no one, not one blessed soul, an explanation, not even your children.

You know why you did what you did - you have to protect yourself from further pain somehow - and that is what matters.

Don't need to know your husband, his reasons or his causes: all I need to know is that it is obvious you are a survivor in more ways than one.

Now, moving on from surviving, it is time to not only survive but to THRIVE.

Congratulations on your new life. I'm sure it will be a good one. You have a strong start.

44ducks
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2012

Thank you for your reply. My boys are 8 and 10, and they are really smart. They've heard us arguing, they've seen me in and out of the hospital. But they also see me smiling every morning.

Thank you for the congratulations! So far so good except for remembering the painful stuff, but I guess over time it will fade.

Blessings to you. I will thrive!

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1625
Joined: Aug 2009

I don't have much to add, but would suggest counseling for yourself and possibly your children. This would not be to save your marriage, but to help you decide what is best for you moving forward and how much you should tell your children. Usually, it is not good to speak badly of the other parent. Your children need to know that both parents love them. Speaking badly of the other parent tends to put them in the middle where they don't belong. Take care of yourself and your boys. Congrats on the remissions. Fay

44ducks
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2012

I started seeing a counselor for myself, after I was diagnosed with MS. I continued to see her through the Breast Cancer. I sent my children to a counselor after I decided to move on. I'll never bad mouth him, which is why I decided to post my story here. I am grateful for your reply. Blessings to you.

ConnieSW's picture
ConnieSW
Posts: 623
Joined: Jun 2012

You are a strong, brave woman. Your husband doesn't deserve you. Live well and be happy.

smbrand158's picture
smbrand158
Posts: 19
Joined: Oct 2011

Something similar happened to me. He bailed, wasn't supportive and wanted out of our 28 year marriage a week after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, 9 mo later I figured out that he had been having an affair at the time. We are still together and he says that he wants us to be together but I am on the fence. I don't trust him and feel so betrayed, first because the one person that I thought would support me emotionally wasn't there and then the affair. It's been 3 mo since I confronted him and I am in therapy and still don't know if I'll stay married. I have more surgery to do and am waiting to get through that before I make a final decision. Your children only need to know the answers to what they ask. Keep it to their level
Good luck to you, I think that you are very brave.

slc20_10
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2012

That man was a coward. He doesn't deserve a fighting, strong woman such as yourself. I'm sorry you had to endure that. Its simply awful. Please keep your chin up and remember that there is one man who will ALWAYS love you and be there for you. God bless!

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