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It has been a rough two years

lindadanis
Posts: 267
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello to my old friends and to all the new members on here:

As some of you remember me, I lost my beloved husband Eddie, age 56, to stage four ec cancer back on September 15, 2010, then a week later, I lost my beloved Mom on September 24, 2010. I would like to say first, that I am very saddened to see that Loretta and Bill Marshall are no longer able to post on this site. I cannot say enough about Bill Marshall. When I first came onto this site, he was the first person to write to me personally on what was this horrible cancer, what to expect, how to deal with the doctors, how to deal with my very angry husband, who was given less than six months to live, which he did live for eleven months. Well, if that is what you would like to call it, living.
He did six months of aggresive chemo then they found a met in his brain, which led to two more months of whole brain radiation, which did nothing, actually the brain tumor grew and we never told Ed about it, at that point, he was not on this planet, lets say. It was Bill Marshall that I cried to daily, that I went to like a Dad, since my Dad had passed away many years ago. He was the one who would talk to me honestly and directly. I cannot say enough about a man who spents endless hours trying to help people, like myself, deal with this horrible diagnosis, whether its you, a patient, or a spouse or a child.

Mr. Marshall was always there, always an email away. I do not know the entire story as to why he is not here anymore, but just wanted to say how sorry I was to see that he is not here. There are many newbies that are missing out on such an informational man with great knowledge about this cancer, since he had battled it himself years ago and knows so much about it.

Well I just wanted to let my old friends know how Diana and I are doing. It has been two years since Ed's death and our lives have changed forever. We have moved into a smaller home five minutes from the house we lived in with Eddie for seventeen years. For financial reasons, this move was necessary. We have been here just over a month and honestly, I have to tell you, that I wake up every morning and say "what happened to my life". I am not over it, I don't know if you ever get over it. Some people look at me and say " well, it's been two years, you must be doing well". What a joke, what is well?
I have lost my best friend, the love of my life, the father of my only child, my house, what is well, I ask? Life is different, I eat alone alot of the time, I spend endless hours alone, I haven't worked in years and don't know how to fit into the "new work world", I will be 59 years old on the 25th of this month. Sometimes we are deal a bad deck of cards and I believe that it takes a long time to figure out our "new life". Diana is doing better than I, I believe it's because she has a whole life ahead of her, she is only 24 years old, she is working part time and I will say, she misses her Dad alot. She adored Eddie, they did everything together.

I am plucking away, day by day, hoping that this saddness in my heart will go away, but I have figured out, it really never does. I stopped posting on here for a while now because it just was too hard and it broke my heart to read all the stories, which just reminded me of how I felt, what we went through and how it ended.

Sherri was another person who helped me so much. I do not see her on here anymore either.
She, Bill, helped me in so many ways and it's just too bad that they are not here helping all of you who need them.

I hope I don't sound too negative, but this weekend was Ed's 2nd anniversary and I'm very sad again. I am trying my best to move on, believe me I am. Sometimes the new life that we are thrown into just feels odd. I can remember back in october of 2009, when Eddie first got sick and diagnosed, that my world felt "odd". Still does.

Praying for all of you and wishing all of you the best.

Love

Linda

paul61's picture
paul61
Posts: 1116
Joined: Apr 2010

Linda,

It is nice to hear from you again, but I am sad to hear that you are not doing as well. I know the feeling of losing your best friend and partner never goes away. They say the sadness never goes away you just learn to make it part of your life after some time. I am glad Diana is doing well.

We all miss the folks that are no longer a part of this site. Bill and Sherri and a number of others who are no longer here provided a lot of support and information to many newbies who came here filled with fear.

In the event you do not have their contact information I am sending you a private message with that information.

Best Regards,

Paul Adams
Grand Blanc, Michigan

DX 10/22/2009 T2N1M0 Stage IIB
12/03/2009 Ivor Lewis
2/8 through 6/14/2010 Adjuvant Chemo Cisplatin, Epirubicin, 5 FU
Two year survivor

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!

rose20's picture
rose20
Posts: 282
Joined: Jan 2011

Linda, it is so good to here from you.
You said it all so well, "life is different."
I know of loss and that is the loss of my precious son.
And yes, life is different.
You have to learn how to live in this 'new world,' a world without your loved one.
It takes time.
Never let anyone put a time limit on your grief.
Everyone is different, and everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.
Are you on facebook, Linda?
You can private message me and I will give you my facebook name if you are on there.
Hang in there, and take one day at a time.

lindadanis
Posts: 267
Joined: Nov 2009

Thanks to all who have written to me and thank you for your kind words. Rose please send me an email through this site and I will send you mine. I am not on facebook. We have lots in common, would love to talk more. thanks for writing

linda

sandy1943's picture
sandy1943
Posts: 883
Joined: Jun 2010

Linda, It is good to hear from you. I am sorry the pain is still so raw.I haven't walked in your shoes, but I can only imagine. Even though I have children, grandchildren and friends, I know they will not fill the void of losing my best friend and soul mate. He is a part of me and who I am. I can tell you what so many others have I'm sure- join a gym ,or a senoir citizen group. Look into volunteering. A lot of hospitals and nursing homes need help.Try to get busy. Now wasn't that easy of me to say but I know words are nothing. Greaf is something a time limit can't be put on.
Please keep in touch. I will be thinking and praying for God to give you peace,
Sandra

Starlight11
Posts: 8
Joined: Sep 2012

My heart goes out to you and I wish I had words of wisdom that could wash away your sadness. I'm so sorry for all you have gone through in the past two years. If it is hard to come here to read, at least continue to write, even if it to vent if you need to and share with us how you are doing. Know you are cared about.

I hope you will settle into your new life and find new joy.

Sending much love to you and Diana!
Stephanie

Sunshine_50
Posts: 10
Joined: Sep 2012

Linda, sorry to hear about your loss. I am only new here but have lost other family members to cancer and and my dad is fighting ec at the moment. I can't say i know what its like to lose a husband, but i imagine life is very hard. I just wanted you to know that someone else was thinking about you and sending you a **hug** (not sure if thats how its done!)
I have found it quite hard coping with the rollercoaster of dads diagnosis and treatment, and sometimes feel very down. Your message breaks my heart because its what we are fearing will happen. I think this is a pretty awful disease and it sounds like you had a really difficult time.
I dont imagine that this board is an easy place to visit if you have lost a loved one, as there are so many people going through it all again. But if you want to chat anytime, you can PM me.
I don't know if you've found someone you can confide in, a counsellor or good doctor. I think alot of people end up taking anti depressants to help them cope. Not sure if I'm stepping over the line mentioning that.....but i think anything at all that can help, is worth a shot. Life is still for living. Easy for me to say i know.
Please take care and be kind to yourself.
Claire xx

lindadanis
Posts: 267
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Claire, thank you very much for writing to me, yes, it is very hard to come back and read all these sad stories, this is why I have stayed off for about a year now. I came back to see how everyone was doing, some old/some new, and it saddens my heart to read all of these stories. Yes, i have been down this rollercoaster and yes, it was an extremely hard time for me but I want to share my story with those who are struggling with their decisions and if I can help just one person, than it's worth coming back. I am not a doctor, I am just a wife who saw her husband decline right from the beginning and I think some of his decisions were not the best for him nor for us, meaning myself and my daughter.
I would love to talk to you privately, please email me your address and we can talk more.

linda

sandy1943's picture
sandy1943
Posts: 883
Joined: Jun 2010

Linda, So glad you have decided it's time to come back and help. You have so much to offer. So many have their loved one's personality change and they pull away from their loved one's. If I remember correctly you went through a terrible depressing time with the drastic changes in Ed.. You can offer help to those that are going through the same thing--the patient as well as the caregiver.

Your feeling like coming back makes me think that you are going through the healing process. We all have to take the time to heal.

Sandra

lindadanis
Posts: 267
Joined: Nov 2009

Thank you Sandra for commenting on my post. Yes, in one way, I do feel like I have healed to a certain degree. I know, from personal experience, that this cancer as well as others, do change the personalities, especially if it goes to the brain. I believe that way back in October, 2009 when Ed first got diagnosed, he had brain cancer but they didn't put any scans of the brain and i'm sure Ed would of declined also. I saw his personality change right before my eyes. I had a very loving husband of 25 years and he immediately withdrew from me and focued on Diana, our daughter. I can remember sitting in the oncologist office everyweek, waiting for our appointment and him having chemo, and he would sit two seats over from me, leaving the middle seat for Diana. Week by week, I would go through this ordeal and week by week, I would cry in the bathroom and continue on with the appointments. His doctor was very aware of his behavior, he saw it right in front of his eyes, but didn't order the brain scan. I kept mentioning to Dr. O'Connor that I thought he had brain cancer but he never did anything about it. Looking back, you wonder why? Would it be if he did order the scan and indeed, found brain mets, that Ed would not do any chemo? I have often thought about this, playing it over and over in my head. Yes, you do remember me and my ordeal with Eddie. He was a terrible patient, right from the beginning, he had absolutely no coping skills, he was mad, very mad, that he had cancer and that he Dad had died from colon cancer several years ago when his dad was only 55 years old, same age as Ed was when he found out he had cancer.

I cannot imagine what it must feel like, sitting in a doctor's office, them telling you that you only chose is to have pallative care, that there is "no cure". That you will have less than 6-9 months to live. I cannot even imagine it. I remember looking at Ed's face that day it was told to him, he almost passed out. Again, I almost passed out also.
These dates, they get impacted in your brain forever, and you do go over it all the time.
They are life changing dates, how could you not remember?

I just want to help others who are dealing with what I went through, husband's or wife's that are angry they are sick, brothers, sisters, whoever they may be and what it must be like for them. We all know at sometime in our life that we will not be here but to be told it must be unimaginable.

There are people like me, who never dealt with cancer, who are thrown into this wild world, with their own terminology that we must figure out on our own, thank goodness for computers, that have to deal with these terminal patients basically on our own. I want to be here for them, just to let them know that they are not alone. This site I found pretty much right away after Ed's diagnosis and it helped me stay sane. Not only did I meet great people, but they were the ones who listened to me, when I needed information or I just wanted to cry or vent. I will never foget them, I do not need to mention again who they were, they know who they are. I just want to give back where I found some help.

thank you very much for your kind words and for all who have replied to my postings recently.

linda

Sunshine_50
Posts: 10
Joined: Sep 2012

HI Linda
Sorry I've been off the radar for a couple of days. Will send you a private message.
Claire

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