Sep 12, 2012 - 8:47 pm
After my BMX last year, the people in my life are not supporting me any more. It has been 16 mos already, they seem to think b/c I am young that this is 'going well' for me. Today, my mom told me how much it has taken out of her to be helping me... How it is a hard thing to go though.... How she, too has battles.... Many of the people who were in my life prior to diagnosis, have chosen to believe the cancer is gone, 'because that is so helpful being positive" in keeping it at bay. Well, I have been positive and it still hasn't gotten me out of this hole. I have become really discouraged that I am not feeling better.
So, I will take on the part of being a self-advocate. Problem is, that I am so distraught that mom or peers are not helping me, I do not even want to ask them for a ride to the Dr, or to my support group. When I have asked lately, I have gotten excuses, rolling eyes, so I do not even want to go there and risk getting hurt by further rejection. I am angry about this and don't really want to go with them if it is an inconvenience.
Because I didn't get chemo or rads, grateful, most people who knew me think that I am looking back to normal and should be able to take care of biz just fine. They do not understand that I still feel like crap. Really tired, run down, weak, sore, sad. Yes, I am seeing my onc, and counselor because this has just gotten alot worse over the summer.
I think a big factor is that I find my results from the reconstruction are really unattractive, to me. I have a call into the PS, but even with them, I have been placed on that back burner. They're busy, and to them, everything is fine. It looks good, but it does not feel good for me at all. If we went back in to try to fix things, that would mean more surgery. Not sure what to do with this, risk improvement or settle, and adapt.
I live far away from the rest of my family and the big clinics. Sometimes, I think that I have to adapt to this disease and move somewhere closer to better medical care. My boyfriend has left me, my friends all have their own things going on. I am 42 and it seems like everyone is concerned about their personal happiness, my reality is just too inconvenient. I own my home but could rent it out to move somewhere to be around more a supportive environment.
I am feeling completely disconnected.
How do I start over?