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I feel like a burden, want to move far away

hope4thebest's picture
hope4thebest
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2012

After my BMX last year, the people in my life are not supporting me any more. It has been 16 mos already, they seem to think b/c I am young that this is 'going well' for me. Today, my mom told me how much it has taken out of her to be helping me... How it is a hard thing to go though.... How she, too has battles.... Many of the people who were in my life prior to diagnosis, have chosen to believe the cancer is gone, 'because that is so helpful being positive" in keeping it at bay. Well, I have been positive and it still hasn't gotten me out of this hole. I have become really discouraged that I am not feeling better.

So, I will take on the part of being a self-advocate. Problem is, that I am so distraught that mom or peers are not helping me, I do not even want to ask them for a ride to the Dr, or to my support group. When I have asked lately, I have gotten excuses, rolling eyes, so I do not even want to go there and risk getting hurt by further rejection. I am angry about this and don't really want to go with them if it is an inconvenience.

Because I didn't get chemo or rads, grateful, most people who knew me think that I am looking back to normal and should be able to take care of biz just fine. They do not understand that I still feel like crap. Really tired, run down, weak, sore, sad. Yes, I am seeing my onc, and counselor because this has just gotten alot worse over the summer.

I think a big factor is that I find my results from the reconstruction are really unattractive, to me. I have a call into the PS, but even with them, I have been placed on that back burner. They're busy, and to them, everything is fine. It looks good, but it does not feel good for me at all. If we went back in to try to fix things, that would mean more surgery. Not sure what to do with this, risk improvement or settle, and adapt.

I live far away from the rest of my family and the big clinics. Sometimes, I think that I have to adapt to this disease and move somewhere closer to better medical care. My boyfriend has left me, my friends all have their own things going on. I am 42 and it seems like everyone is concerned about their personal happiness, my reality is just too inconvenient. I own my home but could rent it out to move somewhere to be around more a supportive environment.

I am feeling completely disconnected.

How do I start over?

mom62
Posts: 601
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi,

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. My therapist sent me to the pharmacologist at the practice and I am on meds now. I have been suffering depression for a while. Meds are not always the answer but they work for me. I too lost friends and felt like I was being an imposition. It's one of those things people can't understand until they have been through it. I'm glad to hear you are going to become your own advocate. If you don't feel right call your PS and make and appointment. At least get the consultation. If you are ready for a move do it for yourself. If you are doing it for anyone else I would stay put. You are worth it girlfriend. You have a right to be sad, cry, laugh, and be pissed off. You have been through a life changing time and you are now a different person, they need to accept that. Hope things go better for you soon.

((hugs))
Terry

lintx's picture
lintx
Posts: 456
Joined: Sep 2012

I immediately loved your spunkiness online from another post and pictured you running along the beaches in Hawaii everyday! Take a moment and look at your beautiful self in the mirror. Yes, you are young with so much ahead to experience. Sometimes I think our friends and family don't know how to respond because only we know what's going on inside. They are guessing. Our moods are up and down and rightfully so. My son called tonight and commented on my good and bad days, too. He said it sounded like I'd had a good day. Makes him feel better because he is several states away with his family. I can never hide the bad ones, and we shouldn't! We've all been through so much. You gave great advice to Cyndi just the other day, saying it takes time for things to settle and not to be in a rush. Second opinions are always good, so you may need an appt w/another PS. I'm glad you are seeking more counseling help, too. This has been so much for a sweet young woman to go through. I wish for you a better tomorrow:) Big Hug, Linda

hope4thebest's picture
hope4thebest
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2012

Thanks for your insight. I thought about a second opinion too.... It is hard to process everything, you're right time is a good remedy. I feel like my mom is burnt out, if she didn't live next door, it would not be so difficult for me. I invited her to stay with me a year before diagnosis.
Well, I appreciate any advice. I just went for a walk and that helped. It reminded me that in addition to fighting cancer, I quit smoking and drinking. So, naturally, I am trying to spend time with more health minded people. It has been a huge change in lifestyle. I wish there was a commune for bc survivors to go to for physical and mental therapy to boost recovery.
I suppose most of my anger lies in that the world is not as idyllic as I thought, even in paradise. I will try to balance that yin with the yang and walk on the beach when I get bummed out.
Hugs back, I really appreciate you.
Annie

CyndiJW's picture
CyndiJW
Posts: 52
Joined: Sep 2012

You gave me great advice about being patient, and not to be in a rush. This is hard for me and I am only 3 weeks into my "process"! I am not a patient person, but I keep reminding myself that I am not going to either look "right" or feel great for a while, so I do not need to get discouraged this early in the game. True, you've been going through this for 16 mos or so, so I can see how you would be getting ready for some drastic improvement in your health, but it doesn't seem like anybody really has that drastic an improvement except over time.

You should be very proud of yourself for having quit smoking and drinking. Those are two very difficult choices/habits/addictions to break! I know. I smoked for 30 years and quit 11 yrs ago this November. That was the single, hardest thing I think I have ever done. And I was very proud of myself for actually being able to quit. I also enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine every evening for several years. I have not had a glass of wine or any other form of alcohol since before my mastectomy (over 3 weeks now). I have not made any lifelong commitments to anyone or myself regarding my current choices, but I just wanted you to know that I understand how these things can really change your life and how difficult they are. So stand up tall and be very proud of yourself.

I am new to this support group but when I quit smoking I was a very, VERY active participant and cheerleader in a smoking cessation support group. So please feel free to private message me anytime you need support. You've already helped me out with some good advice since I've been on this board. Now it's my time. Let us try to help each other.

*Hugs*
Cyndi

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5450
Joined: Oct 2010

I am so so sorry...to hear your story. What a slap in the face from your mom! To help someone and then complain how hard or difficult it terrible.

Eye rolls when ask for ride...also unbelievable! your heart must ach understandably!

They must think NO chemo or radiation it's a "walk in the park" they just dont' GET IT...

I wish you the best...

Denise

Noel's picture
Noel
Posts: 3101
Joined: Apr 2009

Just sending you a huge hug and letting you know that I will be praying for you too!

Rague
Posts: 3343
Joined: Aug 2009

Perhaps your Mom (and others) has realized that it's time for some 'tough love'? Yes - it can be called for at times with health/medical 'problems'.

Give your Mom credit for having been through Hades. I have never had to deal with my Son dealing with cancer but I did almost loose Son during the 1991 Measles Epidemic in SW FL while their Dad was deployed to Desert Storm so I do know something of what it is do deal with seeing your child fight medical issues - I'd take anything rather than see my child hurt in anyway IF I could. But it does take a toll on you and there can be times to tell the child to "Buck Up and MOVE On".

We all see 'life' differently. I see life to be lived to the most that I can - every day is precious. And that the road bumps only make us stronger. Yes I do know what it is to have a BC DX - I'm IBC, 3 yrs post DX and still NED, 4 A/C, mast., 12 Taxol, 25 rads with BAD burns, LE, and now Thyroid and hypoglycemia issues, had cataracts and osteopososis. None of that stops me from doing anything I want to do Y operative words -WANT To Do.

Family - my family consists of Hubby of 37 yrs and Son. Hubby was only child and both parents gone before I met him, my last parent gone for 25+ yrs. They were both fantastic with taking over - Son took over horse care so I only had to do what I wanted to with them, Hubby took over house and cooking . There were times that when they realized I was trying to sink into a pit and would make me do some things and other times they knew I was trying to do too much and stopped me. Did I ever get aggrivated with them - you betcha - but they were right. Son has moved away and has found a fantastic Lady - Hubby well he still pushes me when I need it and protects me when I need it. Do he 'behave' as some would say is the way to - NO! But he is my protector/strenght to the best he can be but also lets/makes me be ME!

I hope I have not offended or hurt but I firmly believe that there is no 'One Size Fits All' and that 'We are each unique'. All of our life experiences make us who/what we are. IBC does not define who I am - it is something I deal/dealt with.

Winyan - The Power Within

Susan

New Flower
Posts: 4070
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi
I am sorry that you feel this way. If you feel strong enough you should follow your instinct
Aysemarie is one of us CSN sisters who moved across the country and has found her love at the new place. You can PM her I am sure you will get encouragement please do not forget moving require physical strength you might need to wait until a full recovery
Depending on your job situation it could be easy or hard
I have been through a lot and yes had to move for my new job
My family never treats me a very sick person. While sometime I disagree it has been working for me
Hugs

MAJW
Posts: 2515
Joined: May 2009

In my opinion, to me, you sound very depressed.....you say it's been 16 months....you are cancer free I assume.....I don't think moving is going to solve your problems... Perhaps you think that will punish those who love you, if they aren't always available...I think your mother would miss you greatly....do you drive?

People think because we're finished with surgery, chemo rads, per each case, that we should be our old selves...as we all know it doesn't work that way...we aren't the same person...we've gone through a trauma...a life threatening disease...but people don't get it...they can't....but again it's been 16 months so they think it's all over for you.....I understand as a mother of an adult daughter, how difficult it must have been on your mother..to see one's daughter go through this....and many of us have lost friends through this....my feeling is they weren't friend's in the first place!

I would discuss these issues with your primary care doctor...he could prescribe an anti depressive if he feels you need it..there is no shame in taking these meds...many, many on this board take these types of meds....including myself!

I feel so bad for you...you're not in a good place but only you can make it better...be your own best friend and advocate....This is a great place to vent or what ever you need...we care...

Hugs, Nancy

Rague
Posts: 3343
Joined: Aug 2009

Didn't mention either ofc there VERY REAL 'things' that effect us.

SAD (Seasonal. Affective Disorder) has been something I deal with with after we moved here. I do not get enough sunshine hitting my face during the winter here so I have to double/triple my Vit. D pills and use my 'light box' to "keep on keepin' on". It keeps me going.

I deal with SAD and PTSD from about 6, Hubby deals with it from about 9 and when I was DX'd (2009)

SAD is real as is PTSD. There is so much that can help! Unfortunately, it can take a while to accept and to to find a DR. that does understand.

Winyan - The Power Within

Susan

hope4thebest's picture
hope4thebest
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2012

Yes, I thank you ladies for this support. I saw a counselor this week, it went well. Finally, someone in my area who understands the struggle of recovery. They will watch me and see about antidepressants. The Dr's say they got all the cancer, but last month they flagged me to go in for an ultrasound of my lymph nodes. The US went well, but with the rest of my cancer last year, they could never see it on the screen, only in pathology tests. I am trying to convince myself that I am cancerfree but the general weakness and other annoying side effects make me wonder sometimes. Getting flagged last month was an unpleasant reminder that I am not out of the woods, as I thought I was.
I can drive. I plan to go alone to my next appt because my mom is so burnt out. Yes, this may be a vendetta, but I am concerned about getting the info I need, not having the dr's tell my mother about how I am safe.
I have a month to figure it out. I'll see the oncologist and the PS, next surgery in Nov.

Thanks, ladies. I feel connected.

Annie

Rague
Posts: 3343
Joined: Aug 2009

None of my Drs have ever tried to 'convince' me that I was 'cancer free'. According to them, the best any of us can hope for is NED (there is no "cure" for BC at this time) - No Evidence of Disease.

I could drive - I drove myself to all my TX. My choice - Hubby or Son would have gone with me but I did not want them sitting there watching the poison being pumped in me. Had there been a problem they both had the companies they worked for permission to have their cells on those days which was against against policy. A bit over 2 yrs post surgery I did stop driving except around our little 'town' because I developed cataracts so I limited my driving until after my eye surgeries. It was a bit of a problem but Hubby's boss was great about what the needed to do and getting me to appt. (First cataract surgery I went to in a 'roll back' tow truck just in case a 'call' came in - it did and Hubby did it while I was waiting for post surgery appt. Second eye surgery - went to in the servive truck 'just in case' - no call. LOL)

As I said before, Mom was no longer here which I am glad that she didn't have to be. Had she been here still, I would still have relied on myself - it's my life. Hubby and Son were there for me (still are) as I need them - not as anyone else thinks is how they should. I am me - 'you' are 'you' - very different.

It doesn't really matter - there is no guarantee for any time to be here. Life is to be lived to the utmost not worring about thewhat might happen. A few days ago I went to 'visit' a 'Son' at Black Hills National Cemetry.

kacee999
Posts: 109
Joined: Oct 2012

Susan, I loved your post. When I was diagnosed I had about a 45 minute pitty party and then straightened up and said, "Ok, now what...let's fight this *****!" I went into business mode...doing the absolute BEST I could when I could do it and recognizing when I needed to call everything off and hit the couch, sometimes for days into weeks... AND not being afraid to ask for help and assistance medically. I was already on an antidepressant when it started and my Onc immediately increased the dosage when I said I felt down in the dumps. You can't feel down in the dumps and go through this. You HAVE to be strong or the other side wins. Depression is the LAST thing you need to be dealing with...there is so much other stuff coming at you! My hubby learned through the process and became a good care giver like yours...knowing when to hold em and when to fold em, as it were. I am now 5 months post-chemo and just now feeling "human", but it gets better every day. My WILL got me through this and my anger that I would NOT be trumped in this situation, and I feel good about myself. I amwoman, hear me roar!

kacee999
Posts: 109
Joined: Oct 2012

I drove myself to every chemo and rad session and every doctor appointment and labwork appt. by myself. My hubby came to the first two appointments with my MO...diagnosis and plan of treatment and after that I said, "Leave it to me."

sdukowitz
Posts: 250
Joined: Nov 2011

Sorry you are going through this . . . I would highly agree that usually moving away doesn't solve anything and you may still need your family, though it doesn't feel that way right now . . ..I would suggest counseling, meds if needed, and finding things that you enjoy doing. Volunteering with something usually is appreciated and makes me feel needed, or helping others who have similar needs. I, too, live in a small community and feel isolated at times from the bigger medical facilities . . . I had to fly in a plane every day back and forth for my radiation treatments to Anchorage, so I got a briefcase and pretended I was an important lawyer and had lots of business trips to go to . . . it got me thru, and now that I look back on it, it wasn't all that bad! After the plane trip both ways, I also had to take taxis back and forth to the radiation place . . . .now I can just joke about the whole thing and laughter helps me have a more positive attitude. I am no longer in treatment, just the tamoxifin, and sometimes the side effects of that are discouraging, but better than having the cancer . . .. I am now taking a beginning yoga class thru the local college here and it has been fun, I swim laps twice a week, walk every day, and still substitute teach during the school year. Try to stay busy and do things you enjoy, it will get better, just takes time . . . and seek counseling . . .if you find a good one, stick with him/her for awhile . . .best wishes . . . Sue D.

laughs_a_lot's picture
laughs_a_lot
Posts: 1368
Joined: Mar 2011

It sounds as though you may be getting some releif from feeling down by exercise. Chances are you are depressed. This could be merely temporary (remember you have been through a lot), or it could be a long term issue. And bravo on the quitting drinking and smoking. A good thing indeed but a change nonetheless. Couple this with going through cancer treatment and I would say you have been through the mill.

It is probably because you have begun exercise that the doctor has chosen to wait on the antidepressants. He may be waiting to see how much releif you feel as a result of this. However, if he and your counselor suggest them you would be wise to follow thier advice. They see you from a more objective point than you do. I can say this as I have suffered from depression for years, and many of those years the depression was untreated.

No one would have guessed that I was depressed either as I was working and attending college at the time I discovered this through a counselor. I started on the medication that was suggested. I saw my primary doctor after a week of being on it. He asked how I was doing. I stated "Better, but I am pi$$ed off." He asked "why" I replied, "How long have I been messed up like this?" He of course had no answer. I could see the world far more clearly after getting on those antidepressants. I tell you this in the hopes that you will not look at your probable depression as something to be ashamed of. It is like diabetes, something missing in your body. Would you be ashamed of that or hesitiate to take medication for it? Some times you have to try more than one medication to get the right one. So you have to decide (along with your doctor and counselor) whether you are depressed. If not then you can take this true story with a grain of salt and see that my intentions were in the right place.

hope4thebest's picture
hope4thebest
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2012

Thank you all, for helping work through these complex times. I am worn out and it is hard understand all that is happening. My Dr called me this morning, unusual, especially because it is Saturday, and we decided it is time to try the antidepressants. It helps to know that some of you have gotten relief with add'l medication, this is unknown territory for me and the idea alone makes me sad. But I will try to go forward with your advice, not to be ashamed, and give them a try. It is so nice to have your insight.
Yes, I had a talk with mom and told her she does not have to stay and take care of me. It went well, and thanks to your support, I was able to see things from her side alittle bit better. I own my home, but told her she could move if she wanted to be away from my situation. Without expecting an answer, I just told her we could think about it around the first of the year.
I am also planning on going to my dr appts on my own, to try to become more in control of my life. (not sure if this is the best idea, but will see how it goes).
I am very grateful to you all. It is nice to have this level of understanding and such great people.

Rague
Posts: 3343
Joined: Aug 2009

Take a note pad along with questions on it. Then either take notes of what your Dcr says or IF you have one take a tape recorder to take down his/her replies. (Your smart phone may have this option on it.) This allows you to go back later and rehear exactly what was said.

Good Luck!

Winyan - The Power Within

Susan

kacee999
Posts: 109
Joined: Oct 2012

I took a recorder and taped my first two appointments. There was just too much info being thrown at me. I listened several times after that day and it really helped unravel the string of info I'd been given. Any time you have an important appointment I wouuld take a recorder (I used my cell phone).

kacee999
Posts: 109
Joined: Oct 2012

I took a recorder and taped my first two appointments. There was just too much info being thrown at me. I listened several times after that day and it really helped unravel the string of info I'd been given. Any time you have an important appointment I would take a recorder (I used my cell phone).

kacee999
Posts: 109
Joined: Oct 2012

I took a recorder and taped my first two appointments. There was just too much info being thrown at me. I listened several times after that day and it really helped unravel the string of info I'd been given. Any time you have an important appointment I would take a recorder (I used my cell phone).

kcred
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2012

I thought of doing the same thing for the same reasons. I am stuck, between treatment ending and reconstruction which my insurance is taking their sweet time authoring. My mother, told me that even if I were on my death bed I would not be able to live with my parents so I would not die alone. She also told me that she sits at home so that they can afford to help me financially, otherwise she would be enjoying her senior years. My dad has went back to treating me like he did pre cancer, which was yelling and screaming any never enjoyment. They get mad if I sleep to much, they get mad if have a glass of wine now and again. I now have stopped going over to visit with them, and if they choose not to help me and my children out financially while I am unable to work, then I guess I will have to figure that out when the time comes. Contact me if you need someone to talk and I will send my number.

carkris's picture
carkris
Posts: 4523
Joined: Aug 2009

I found before my third diagnosis that I didnt like the way things were going. I was terribly ill with this last treatment. It had to be about me. no choice. when it was all over Itook the opportunity to say I wasnt happy before and I had no intention of returning to the way it was before. I am more confident now and just state my needs, dont care what people think about it or if they feel my thoughts or feelings are ok. I would ask my mom what kind of help she was willing to offer and leave it at that. But dont feel guilty about needing help or that people think it is taking too long. They dont walk in your shoes. And even then the people in your shoes all have different ways of dealing too. Not one size fits all. Hugs

hope4thebest's picture
hope4thebest
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2012

Thanks for your support, it is a hard road. Lately, I still am feeling like I want to move somewhere else and 'start over'. I think most of that is to show myself and the world that I am a different person. Still too weak to do any such thing, but it is nice to plot. I started on some antidepressants a month ago and am feeling more confident. It is true post-diagnosis, I am also starting to say things regardless of others' reactions, doing what is best for me to survive and be strong. Most of my family and friends have backed off, lightly telling me that they hope I feel better. That makes them feel better: to think that we are cured, and that nothing is wrong. I have pulled back from them as well, and am confiding in other resources, like this site. Out energy is sacred, not to be spent where it is not reciprocated.
If I did move, I would want to go to someplace with good medical, for followup purposes. I have a degree in Italian and would like to be somewhere with some other Italians, but that is not necessary. If you all have any ideas, send them to me. I am still quite nervous about my cancer recurrence, so it would be a great comfort to be close to a leading medical facility.
Thanks Pink Sisters!

New Flower
Posts: 4070
Joined: Aug 2009

Big Apple and New Jersey have big Italian communities
Some still speak Italian . Public schools in Brooklyn and New Jersey teach Italian.
Hugs

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