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marriage problem

sz
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2012

when you are afraid of going back home because you don't know when she will drop another bomb on you, is it the time to end the marriage?

I understand having cancer is hard on everyone in the family. But if for no reason, your wife probably will drop another bomb and hurt you again deeply, do you think its time to move on with your life alone? All marriage have problems, ours is no exception, even before my diagnosis. But my marriage has been really difficult during the past a couple years.

Please do not doubt. I'm a good father, a good husband. We both loved each other so much, and we probably still do.

I understand she has issues dealing with the stress in life. The problem is that her anger towards the cancer thing is so wrongly directed. She would be mad at me because of I didn't do something her way (she believes its the right way, which I seldom argue because her intention is good), or for no reason at all. With each of the little cut to my heart, the wound is getting really bad and really difficult to heal. Today, I finally had this converstaion with our son (8 yr) and said, "daddy probably will have to move out because daddy doesn't want mommy get mad at me all the time. But I will see you from time to time, will you and your little sister be ok?" He burst into tears and said, "wherever you go, I will go with you".

I don't know what to do, seriously, I don't.

I thought fighting cancer was hard enough, until this marriage start to falling apart.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1279
Joined: Aug 2010

Love is a very powerful thing. If you feel there was/is love still there, sz, please consider going for counseling as a couple. If your wife will not go, please go for yourself.

It isn't just cancer that causes a marriage to fail: many major life stressors can have the same effect. Marriage is hard, life is hard, staying in love is hard - put cancer on top of the deck and sometimes we are just not strong enough on our own.

Talking to the children - I think you put the burden on your son to tell you everything will be fine if you leave (it won't) and you asked him to validate that (he can't). By phrasing it to the way you did, you encouraged him to take sides (don't do that).

I understand you are hurting. Get some help in dealing with all that is going on. Hoping your wife will, too. Being the spouse of a cancer patient/survivor is hell. You may be the only safe place to put her anger and while you may not think that is fair, it is what it is.

sz
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2012

Thank you , Noellesmom, for your input. You are probably right, I should not ask my son to take side, even it was unintentionally, I did not mean that. I tried schedule a counselling, but eventually I did not go. Part reason is that she didn't want to go with me, another reason is that my son happen was sick that day. I personally don't believe counselling much, but she mentioned it a few times, and I was willing to give a try. I probably will give another shot, just myself.

I am not blaming her, she had a huge load on her shoulder already. Every time when she gets mad, I swallow the pain; if I sense it might happen, I will try to not get close, so she wouldn't get the chance to be mad. I just feel that each time, her anger was so unjustified (maybe it was because of my cancer) and it hurts both of us and the marriage, we are drifting apart.

Do you think this could be anger control issue? Both me and my wife?

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

N'smom is right in encouraging counseling. It sounds like you and your wife are talking at each other instead of to each other. Counseling might help you both express your feelings. Cancer is hard on the whole family. As a caregiver, I can tell you that it brings out our greatest fear, losing the loved one. Anger is one sign of grief. Your wife is grieving the life you had before cancer. The one that wasn't nearly so scary. Cancer reminds us that life is not infinite, and that we are not immortal. You need to work at marriage and cancer adds extra work. Give counseling a try and don't cancel the next appointment. AND DON'T INVOLVE YOUR SON. He is too young to really understand, and he needs to know that no matter what you will always be there for him. If a decision is made to separate, you should tell your son together and present an united front. You may not be able to save your marriage, but you will always share the children. Fay

amy_h414's picture
amy_h414
Posts: 98
Joined: May 2012

If your wife won't go with you, go by yourself. Maybe you can get her to participate later, but for now, just go alone. I would not talk to your son about what's going on. He's too young to understand and the worry it will cause him is a burden he just doesn't need.

katenorwood
Posts: 1812
Joined: May 2012

Hello !
Life throws some zingers at us hunh ? Please #1-get better ! #2-don't take your wifes anger to heart. Saw my Mom and Dad go through this. Counsling doesn't need to be at a clinic. Are you guys affiliated with a church, or even really good inspiring people ? It seems like disease of any kind brings out mixed up emotions. The kids need you both, but saying this....you and your wife need each other ! I will be thinking of you, and saying a few prayers that things work out for you all ! Katie

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