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To the most wonderful people in the world.........

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

I restarted chemo 3 weeks ago because of tumor regrowth where surgery was performed in 2010 in the upper left lobe...The chemo Folfiri with avastin makes me so sick that i am still sick from infusion a week ago tuesday. I am suppose to start infusion again next tuesday but have had deep talks with the wife about quality of life that i am no longer doing chemo. It is not something that has been decided lightly. It is something however that I did a lot of praying over, a lot of what ifs but ultimately with no surgery options or curable status as long as possibleI am going to get through this sick round and start feeling better then live as free and fun and as a loving husband and father for as long as possible. I now have hospice in house and they will be here for now once a week and are available at any time when we need them medically, or for social workers for family members issues berievement etc. They are all amazing. I hope that everyone is doing fine and I will keep all of you with me...I will also be with each of you as you were and are with me .....Thank you all for everything each of you do for each other everyday and the friends I have had here through every facet of our lives. Love to all........buzz

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4266
Joined: Jun 2009

Hey Buzzard:)

Been awhile...I think many of us suspected that things were going rough and that's why we had not heard from you for awhile.

I'm saddened to read this news, although I can understand your perspective. The Folfiri had me as sick as you are feeling...30 days out of every 30...I stayed on it, because there was the hope that I could get off it...otherwise, I would be sharing similar feelings to what you are saying.

It's all about quality...it sounds like you've found the path of acceptance with this and your family. None of us can know how we would feel to make a decision of this magnitude - I've tried...got close...but I'll know when my time approaches.

This is a "Buzz-Kill" for sure...but I'm glad to hear it straight from you.

Your legions of supporters will be behind me...probably will crash the server and take the site down, LOL!

I'm going to move over now...and let everyone fill this lane.

Thank you for posting once again!

I'm still in the corner over here...

Your friend,
-Craig

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1174
Joined: Apr 2009

It is sooo good to hear from you. I'm sorry things are not better for you right now. I know you've probably heard this a million times, but is there any other chemo that you can be put on without the devastating side effects. JBG was on Xeloda and Avastin until mid July and it seemed to be holding things at bay. Chemo was stopped due to low platelets, but doctors are trying to find a solution so she can restart.

I just knew you were still nearby, watching over everyone here, and holding the lead end of that rope. We will always be here for you.

Give your kids and wife a hug from Arizona, my Kentucky friend.

Luv,

Wolfen

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2893
Joined: Jan 2010

I am sorry that during your absence here things have taken this turn.

While I wish that you had other treatment options to explore, I can understand the decision you have made.

Prayers for you and your family, that there may be much time to live and love together.

Hugs and love,

Marie who loves kitties

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1266
Joined: Nov 2001

It really has been nice knowing you,all the best for the future come what may,ron.

ketziah35
Posts: 1142
Joined: Jun 2010

I am. So srry that you are going through this. You have been soooo supportive of so many people. We all missed you and send prayers to you and your family. Peace and love!

Sincerely,

Ketz

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 4205
Joined: Feb 2009

I've really missed you and your posts and am saddened to hear of your news. It is understanding that you get to a point where you haved exhausted the thought of continuing treatment. You have always been such an inspiration on this board and admire your strength and courage for the decision you have made. Wishing you feel better soon so you can continue living. May God be with you and your family and please keep us updated.

Kim

HollyID's picture
HollyID
Posts: 940
Joined: Dec 2009

It's good to hear from you again. This news saddens me as well.

I do understand what you're saying though. Quality of life is to celebrated. Not some race for a quantity of days. It sounds like you've found peace which I am grateful for.
You're a good egg, Clift. Peace, love and hugs to you, my friend.

Holly

PatchAdams
Posts: 272
Joined: Nov 2011

So sorry to hear your news. Since this took 2 years to grow and is in the same area of the other single met, can they do surgery to remove it?

You're pretty popular around here. Don't be a stranger!

dmj101's picture
dmj101
Posts: 521
Joined: Nov 2011

What can really be said....

We wish you well along this leg of your journey and peace and light.

I am so sory to hear how sick the folfiri has made you .. it makes me sick too. but I struggle thru..

I hope you pop in and give us an update as to how you are doing..
God Bless...

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3915
Joined: Nov 2010

Your Care, kindness and love are a great example.
Peace be with you and your family.
Now and forever.

Hugs,
Pete

abrub's picture
abrub
Posts: 1528
Joined: Mar 2010

I am sorry to hear it has reached this point, but I so understand. I know that the torture of treatment that I went through would not have been worth it if it were just to prolong quantity. Quality trumps all.

My wish for you is that you continue to take pleasure in your life, loves and family for as long as you can.

Alice

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4664
Joined: May 2005

It's great to hear from you but the post could have been cheerier :-)
I can understand where you're coming from. The quality of life vs hanging around longer because they can "make it so" are two totally different things. I've been fortunate to have been holding my own for some time but I feel that if I were thrown into the thick of things again I would have a rough time starting from square one. I'm not 46 anymore and you've had a "dog in the fight" a long time too.

I know that your faith is very important to you and I also understand that you put a lot of thought into this decision through your prayer or what I would probably call "deep thought or meditation" for my own personal belief system. Many paths to the common goal of doing what we believe to be the right things as far as treating our fellow man/woman goes.

You've been missed here by me and many others. It's nice to see your photo and to read this post by you. I DO wish that there was some other treatment option that you could do that was less taxing on you and provided some great results. I'm guessing that you went through the RFA/Resection list already.

I had a post about three weeks ago called Dying From Cancer that dealt with the loss of my Mother-in-law due to a freak car accident. The point of the post is that we never know what is in store for us. Anyone one of us can have an accident happen that changes everything in the blink of an eye. We just don't know.

I find that your post is after all cheerie in a odd way. You've chosen to LIVE your life and ENJOY your life. I really admire that. I hope I have the strength to do the same if I get a tap on the shoulder for the "last call". Until then I plan to live my life like an accident can end it at any time (because it CAN)
God Bless...

Lifeisajourney
Posts: 217
Joined: Apr 2010

take chemo for mets to liver it would be 6 to 12 mos probably....no chemo and it has been 15 months...I am in decline but not sick as I was with chemo.., may you have lots of time a head...I truly believe no one knows what will be and may you be a lucky guy and have many good quality days ahead......it was good to see you post....lots of good days to
you..Pat

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 569
Joined: Apr 2011

Dear Buzz, So glad we finally hear from you, although I would have like a more happier post.
On the other hand... I am right there with you. Quality over quantity, and I wish for a long long period of quality with your wife and children.
You were my mentor when I started this journey, one of the first to put my mind at ease and telling me it was not the end of everything, but just a beginning of a fight. You fought long and hard and now comes the time to enjoy family and friends and in the time which is allotted to you.
We will be there with you every step of the way if you need us, we love and care for you.
My prayers and thoughts were and are now still with you, I often thought how is Buzz doing.
Take care my dear friend, live everyday to the fullest, love to you and your family,
God Bless
Dutch Hugs Marjan

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 857
Joined: Mar 2011

Buzz, everyone has already said it. You are loved, you are one of the good guys, My heart is heavy and i just hate this.
Peace my friend.
Hugs,
Judy

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

Hugs my friend.

Luckygirl2
Posts: 308
Joined: Mar 2012

I still think of myself as a newbie on here but your posts have been very important to me. God bless you and your decision to have that quality in your life.

Debbie

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 528
Joined: May 2011

Buzz,

Thank you for checking in and sharing your decision with us. I have missed you and your words of wisdom. Your news saddens me. When I first joined this forum, your posts often helped me and gave me insight and strength.
Know that you and your family are in my heart and prayer. Prayer may not change things but it certainly changes the way I see things.
God Bless. Know you have an incredible fan club!

Hiugs,
Cathleen Mary

janie1
Posts: 753
Joined: Apr 2011

It is so good to see you again. Thanks for keeping us with you. You know we are all doing the same.....you will always remain close to my heart. Peace, and just so much love to you.

fatbob2010's picture
fatbob2010
Posts: 371
Joined: May 2012

Buzz,
I admire your courage in this decision and the strength of your family to support you. I am not at the point you are but have thought a lot about what I might chose...Peace to you and your family. Art

Patteee's picture
Patteee
Posts: 946
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Buzzy. While the news is not so great, I do so absolutely respect your right to call this shot. I have the absolute best feelings and prayers for peaceful, loving, living days ahead for you and yours. You will always be a part of my journey and recovery from this horrid beast. Love you lots Buzzy.

mom_2_3's picture
mom_2_3
Posts: 937
Joined: Nov 2008

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw a post started about you and not just one with "Where's Buzzard?" in the title! You have been sorely missed but I hope your time away from the board has been filled with love and good times.

None of us knows the road ahead and I also recommend Phil's link. It is a good perspective to have for anyone, no one knows when their final day will be and it's important to live each with as much passion and love and joy as possible. I wish that for you in the coming days.

If you can come back here and keep touch once in a while, well, this young ( ;) ) lady in NJ would love to see you post.

All the best to you Buzz,
Amy

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3389
Joined: Apr 2010

I have missed you so much, it isn't the same without everyone here. There are so many gone, and so many leaving. The sadness that those of us feel that are left behind does not compare to the wonderfulness of having known each and everyone. Caring, hoping,sharing, and loving them as friends is worth the pain in the end. I have missed you dearly. But, h@ll, you go out and have some fun there buddy, spread that love and make those memories for those that will be left behind. I thank you for our memories, the good times we have shared. I'll still be there with you my friend in spirit. So go enjoy, love, laugh and be amazed at the wonders of this world, before you head off to even more wonders.
Love to ya Buzz, always remember you were one of my heros!! And buddy, just so you know, I'm crying my eyes out over this.
Winter Marie

k44454445's picture
k44454445
Posts: 494
Joined: Jul 2012

i am sad to read your post but i understand the decision you have made. i pray for strength for you & your family.
hugs
judy

thxmiker's picture
thxmiker
Posts: 1201
Joined: Oct 2010

If we have nothing else, we want quality of Life.

With being in sick and pain from Chemo, what is the point? Make Every day count!

We wish you the Best and are sending you Good Vibes, Thoughts, and Prayers from the Mountains in AZ!

Best Always, mike

Jaylo969
Posts: 826
Joined: Jan 2010

Buzz, yes we are a wonderful group, of which you are a part of.

I've been very worried about you Buzzard! I knew you must be real sick...either that or you got mad at all of us wonderful people:) I see that you have it 'worked out' in your heart & head and I can feel the peace you have reached.

Buzzard, I remember the first time I posted and how you jumped right in and made me feel welcome. You even made a joke about my moniker ( JayLo NOT J-Lo ). Please accept my thanks to you for guiding me through many of my fears and for the friendship so freely offered.I consider you one of my mentors in my own journey.

Buzz, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in this new phase of your journey.We love you Buzzard!!{{{Hugs}}}

-Pat aka JayLo

steveandnat's picture
steveandnat
Posts: 887
Joined: Sep 2011

Through my cancer journey you have really helped me get through this by your posts. I hate when I read about your current situation. I know why you are making your decision and it is something that reminds me that I'll be making this same decision some day. I admire you and pray your good days are so many you forget there was ever pain. Stay in touch. Jeff

mommyof2kds's picture
mommyof2kds
Posts: 522
Joined: Mar 2009

Buzz, you are loved by so many. breaks my heart to read this.. You gave me so much support and advice when I joined in 2009. I dont post much but I do check in every now and the to see how you are all doing.. bless you and your family

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2278
Joined: Jan 2009

Buzz,
First I am sending love, hugs and aloha. It is good to hear from you my friend. I miss you. Thank you for sharing this very hard news with us. I must tell you that it is good to hear that your your wife is by your side. I pray for many good, loved filled times with your family. I will keep you in my prayers during this journey.

Peace my friend.

Aloha,
Kathleen

So Worried
Posts: 111
Joined: Aug 2012

I am fairly new here and I obviously do not know you, but from reading everyone's posts, you must be a wonderful and fabulous person!! I just want to wish you the very best. Enjoy your life, your family and miracles DO happen. That is what I am wishing for you. Prayers for you!!

steved
Posts: 836
Joined: Apr 2004

We all face difficult decisions along this path and I have had very similar conversations with my family and team. I do think many of us will ultimately be faced with similar decisions and it think it takes a healthy mind to be able to say that it is time to stop the treatments and to change ones focus to simply living with this illness for what ever time we have. It is that acceptance of what is the right decision that makes it clear to me that you have made the right decision for you and your family.
Now focus on finding pleasure and quality in each moment you are given.

Thank you for sharing your decision,
Steve

johnnybegood's picture
johnnybegood
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

i would chime in and holler at you from across the green rolling hills of Kentucky.what can i say except just go for it and live.you know i and so many others are still holding that rope that you threw down to us.no matter how frayed or torn that rope gets i will always remember that you are still holding on also.and someday when we meet in the sky we will know that it is ok to let go of that rope.you go live like you have never lived before and just remember you have touched many many lives here and we all love you....Godbless....johnnybegood

scared99
Posts: 73
Joined: Jun 2012

My prayers are with you and your family. I am new to this battle and am starting to see how difficult it is. My mom was diagnosed in June of this year and has gone through chemotherapy and radiation. So far she has had very little sides other than a blood infection.

My uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer last Sept his spread was very extensive. The doctors gave him 6 months to live without chemotherapy. He refused treatment other than some pain meds. Here is it a year later and he still looks the same, other than walking with a limp you would not even know he had cancer. He is enjoying his life, eating well, and has not seen a doctor in 2 months.

I honestly do not know what the " right" treatment is for cancer but I believe happiness is more important than any drug a doctor can give you.

SharonVegas's picture
SharonVegas
Posts: 189
Joined: Feb 2012

Thank you for sharing. We are all in this together and the love and support from this board is one of the things that keeps us sane. Blessings to you and your family and I truly wish you and your family fun and peaceful days.
SharonVegas

Maxiecat's picture
Maxiecat
Posts: 524
Joined: Jul 2012

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you have many, many days ahead filled with life...living your life on your terms.

Alex

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

I don't post here much anymore, for many reasons. But I heard about this on the grapevine and felt the need to stop over and say hello. wow. about 3 and a half years ago you were one of my rocks here. I popped in and you were among the first to welcome me, and answer questions, and helped so much through the awful process of chemo. I made a few friends here, and it just seems to me that every time I come here another one is gone. sure wish you'd join us over on facebook, I miss you. You've been fighting for so long Clift, go on and enjoy your wife and kids and have some fun. I know that's what I would do.

joemetz's picture
joemetz
Posts: 493
Joined: Nov 2011

Greetings DayDreammer.

where do i find the facebook page you refer to in this post.?

VickiCO's picture
VickiCO
Posts: 934
Joined: Oct 2008

I don't post much anymore, but do check in occasionally. I was saddened to read your post, but heartened to know that you are at peace. We started in this journey at the same time, and we've been through a lot together. Here's the rope my friend- hang on please, and when it's time, don't let go - just keep us connected.

Much love and many hugs coming your way. Vicki

menright's picture
menright
Posts: 248
Joined: Oct 2008

We began tis together and we are still at battle. Good to see your post

Best wishes

Mike

tommycat's picture
tommycat
Posts: 790
Joined: Aug 2011

Buzz, you were the very first person who responded to my timid post a little over a year and I really appreciated that as newbie.
You have been greatly missed around here, with your down-home yet eloquent style.
Please pop in from time to time, okay? There are many people here who care about you, and can perhaps also help/support you as you start your new journey.
Affectionately,
Tommycat

YoVita's picture
YoVita
Posts: 541
Joined: Mar 2010

I am one of the many members who lurked initially and learned so much from your posts. Best wishes with your new journey.

Brenda Bricco's picture
Brenda Bricco
Posts: 549
Joined: Aug 2011

Buzz! You sure brightened my rainy day just by posting. :) I am sorry to hear that the chemo makes you sick, I wish that wasn't so. You are a brilliant man so when you say that you have made the decision to not do anymore chemo I believe that it isn't a snap judgment and one that is right for you.
Thank you for coming to say what you had to say, I still pray for you and have been hoping you were so far into NED that you were just too busy living to hang out here. I will keep you in prayers and I encourage you to go live, love and laugh. May the LORD show you mercy and give you peace. BTW, I still believe in miracles and I pray you are one on them.
Brenda

Momof2plusteentwins
Posts: 438
Joined: May 2012

I totally understand your decision. I am going through chemo now and can't imagine doing it again. Good luck and enjoy life.
Sandy :)

amcp
Posts: 249
Joined: Jan 2009

I too have missed you and wondered how you were doing. It deeply hurts to hear of your recurrance. I too understand your decision...quality is important and in some cases more important than quanity. I know your faith and I understand your beliefts. There is always hope because of what is waiting for us. I am glad your wife is by your side..know too that we are all here for you. Hope you feel better real soon and are able to spend lots of quality time with your family. You have made such a deep impression on my heart...you were there for me when I was going down this path. You helped so much and please know that your kindness and support will never be forgotten. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and remember I am here if you or your family need anything. Love you dear friend. May GOD give you comfort and peace.
Love,
Anna Proctor Howard

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5001
Joined: Feb 2008

Oh, my dear Buzz.

I have missed your posts terribly and hoped and prayed you weren't here because life was treating you great. I pictured you having lots of adventures. Actually, maybe now some of those adventures can happen, when you're not sick from chemo anymore. You know we both have the same faith, and I will tell you right now that I am going to pray for a miracle for you.

Whatever happens, please know that I love you. You are a wonderful person!

*hugs*
Gail

Connie43
Posts: 44
Joined: Mar 2011

I had folfiri with avastin a year ago tomorrow and the avastin tried to kill me. It took 2 weeks in the hospital to get me back to normal. I then had folfiri alone and it stopped making progress last November, so I am now on erbitux. Has your dr. considered a different drug that would not make you sick? Except for the avastin incident, I have had very few bad side effects. You are the one who must make the decision.

taraHK
Posts: 1961
Joined: Aug 2003

Thank you for sharing your news with us. You have obviously made the right decision for you and I support 100%. Quality of life is what it's all about. You provide inspiration for those of us who may be making similar decisions in the future. Sending love and prayers to you and yours -- enjoy every second.

Love,
Tara

lauragb
Posts: 368
Joined: Aug 2011

I haven't posted much recently but have wondered about you. I am sending you love, light and prayers for good quality of life for a good long time. Laura

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7871
Joined: Aug 2005

It is, after all, what living is all about, dear friend!

Hugs, Kathi

have2believe
Posts: 135
Joined: Dec 2010

Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. I wish you peace and comfort. You have always been and continue to be an inspiration for your strength, wisdom, and attitude.

L

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