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Having faith

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

So after a really long hard weekend I had an epiphany of sorts. I am such an organized person who likes to have order and know what is coming that this situation has rocked my world. My husband and I talked a long time yesterday and I know that this is the time I have to let go and give it to God. I have to for the first time in my life really believe he will come through for me. I have to believe God will provide for us emotionally, physically and financially. I have to believe that people will want to help us and will not allow us to muddle through this crap alone. I am slowly starting to give up trying to control everything. I hate that we are going through this 3 months into our marriage, but I have decided to use this time to be with my husband and show him how much I love and adore him and also to learn to let others help. I'm not good at that at all. I have always believed if I wanted something done right (or at all a lot of times) to do it myself. Well I can't do it all right now and I have to let others help me. Let the journey begin. Thank you so much for sharing your journeys with me.

Billie67's picture
Billie67
Posts: 834
Joined: Jul 2012

You are so right, that is the perfect attitude. I promise you that you will make it thru this one way or another but there is no textbook way. While each of us have lots of similarities while going thru treatment, we each have a few things that are a bit off from others. Your husband will be no exception. This is why it is so important that you have come to letting it go. It will protect you from feeling confused if something goes better or different than what you've heard from others.
Accepting help from others is also a huge step, it wasn't easy for me either but now I'm so thankful that I let my guard down because it really did make things so much easier. Don't be afraid ro ask us questions or simply just check in and let us know how you both are doing. Between all of us here we should be able to offer you some pointers that may help any one situation.
Keep that positive attitude and before you know it you'll be ready to tackle a normal more common problem or situation of everyday life, this too shall pass.
Take care,
Billie

Skiffin16's picture
Skiffin16
Posts: 8100
Joined: Sep 2009

You didn't think you could slide that by me did you...hmmmm, LOL.

Yes, I'm a bit off, but no more so than before all of this began, so in that respect, my new normal is also my old normal.

Vivian, like Billie (The Girl) said...that is the right attitude....

Worry about the things you can change and leave the rest to faith.

Best,
John

katenorwood
Posts: 1853
Joined: May 2012

You sound like an amazing person. Yes faith will get us through all of our trials in life. I'm alot like you...some of my kids call me a control freak....or use to. I found it hard to let things go, when I really wanted to be there. And accepting help, OMG...no wouldn't do it. Wishin now I would have ! You and your husband need to be able to be just that....and that's a great thing ! Enjoy life come what may, and give the bad to the higher power. Best wishes to you both ! And yes, please keep posting. Katie

CivilMatt's picture
CivilMatt
Posts: 3067
Joined: May 2012

VivianLee5689,

Sounds like a good plan, to have faith in yourself, your husband, the doctors, nurses, family friends and God is all extremely important. Yet, you need to be prepared and ready for the unexpected. Nothing life threatening, just maybe unfulfilled expectations (that statement is open for interoperation). Don’t expect everyone to fill like you do or to do what you expect of them. This cancer business is handled differently for everyone. While I had unwavering support from family, most of the trip (as expected) was up to my wife and me and don’t think you can control the dissemination of information. Once the information was out about my cancer it traveled through the family like wildfire. Even people (acquaintances) I NEVER would have told found out. When measured against the finality of cancer, none of this matter just be ready for anything.

So be Matt’s “soap box”. More important is the cancer and treatment. Your biggest ally will be your doctors, nurses and technicians; followed closely by your fellow H&N partners (patients and caregivers) here. We have nothing more too gain then your safe travel along this bumpy road. Just ask.

Best,

Matt

VanessaSLO's picture
VanessaSLO
Posts: 280
Joined: Jul 2012

wow, VivianLee, it's wonderful that you have managed to achieve this "higher lever" of NOT being in control of everything any more. It is hard to do... It was hard for me too. As I wrote you in another post, it was the hardest thing for me to accept the fact that I cannot do or control everything. Especially not cancer... Doctors hopefully know what they're doing and I just had to trust them...
And like you said yourself... Let it into God's hands...

Once, another forum member reminded me of a great poem "Footsteps in the sand".... Read it, it is really inspiring!

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

It is so nice to have a place to come that is safe for me to ask questions and/or voice concerns. I find I tiptoe all day long around the big C. I try not to talk about it or let it consume me, but hey I'm human and my husband is sick. I will strive for this higher level, which I know will help me get through this with dignity and grace; however, it is like an addiction I am detoxing from. I am used to being in control. I am used to fixing everyone's problems (that is why I became a school psychologist). God has taken me so far out of my comfort zone I am in shock. Oh well, one day at a time, one step at a time. At least I have all of you here taking the journey with us.

phrannie51's picture
phrannie51
Posts: 3821
Joined: Mar 2012

You found the answer (well, at least the same answer I did)....I too am a "do it myself-er"....and felt actual terror when I first came to the conclusion that this was something I wasn't going to be able to do on my own. Once I actually got into treatment, I recognized that every single day I had to to turn it over to God, because on my own, I wasn't going to get thru amifostine and rads for 7 solid weeks....life became "one day at a time"....and each day I turned it over to God.

The amazing part to me in all this....is that we come to this conclusion in a concious way.....I mean, we don't wake up one day and the thought that we must have faith was implanted in the night....we are able to "think" our way into faith...usually intellect messes stuff up, but I think when we are in this situation, that suddenly our depth of intellect and our emotionality join together and allow us to conciously accept faith in God to handle that which we cannot.

BIG hugs to you, Vivian!

p

hawk711's picture
hawk711
Posts: 527
Joined: Jan 2010

Vivian
my wife kept a journal of my drugs, appts, side effects, etc. I strongly recommend you use your organizational skills at this time. The treatment goes on every day and your hubby will feel like crap most of the time. He will be silent,accept it. he will hurt, accept it and help, and he will be scared, accept it and be strong. This is not your hubbys cancer, it is yours too. This treatment encompasses many around the patient. So jump in, hang on, help, cry, and make sure he gets enough nourisnhment and liquids. It is an important job you have. You'll see how important when the treatment begins.
You are a strong lady, I can tell. You will be great for him during this scary time. I can tell.
all the best to the both of you,
Steve

hwt's picture
hwt
Posts: 1991
Joined: Jun 2012

Please do take time to read the poem "Footprints in the sand". I promise it will help you through the difficult days. God carried me to more than one radiation treatment.
Remember, this is doable and it will be in your rear view mirror before you know it.

jim and i's picture
jim and i
Posts: 1666
Joined: May 2011

Vivian,

Ahhh the Control thing. You will find it coming back to haunt you many times. I even had a sign on my desk that said, "God is in control." but still tried to tskr back the control. I think Control is the second big C. Try to remember through it all that even in the scarriest, darkest, lonliest places, God goes with you. "though I walk through the valley of darkness, thou (God) art with me."

Blessings
Debbie

Tim6003's picture
Tim6003
Posts: 1497
Joined: Nov 2011

It's hard Vivian...and you may find yourself doing what I did...give it to the Lord, take it back, give it, take it back. I think the good Lord got a kick out of me being so back and forth trying to control everything around me. It comes from my very high paced job I do for a living is what I think...my wife agrees with that.

Anyways, say your nightly prayers, set some time aside to focus on your husband and the good Lord.

Keep us posted....this is all about you getting well and peace of mind, patience and a lot of faith is what will be needed.

Best,

Tim

Porverbs 18:10 "The Lord is a stong fortress. The godly run to him and are safe". Living Bible

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