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Miss my dad

rock909
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2012

I just lost my dad to pancreatic cancer and i have never been so angry and upset in my life. He fought so hard and when the end came it came so fast. The one week in hospice he was so upset and ready to go and in pain i wanted him to go. I kept telling god to have mercy dont make him suffer anymore. And he passed holding my hand im so happy i was able to be with him , i didnt even cry i was happy he wasnt in pain. I jsut had the funeral and was hysterical. I keep asking him to please come back. I regret telling him it was ok to go. I want him back sobad and i feel like no one understands that. MY husband doesnt really know how to be supportive he gets so upset that im upset because im pregnant. Im grieving who gives a damn im pregnant. I just want my daddy. I wanted to jump in the ground with him. I keep saying i want him back and my husband is like but thats not going to happen. But im allowed to feel that why doesnt he understand me? I have never felt so alone in my life.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

You are not alone. Many here have felt the pain of losing loved ones. Grief is hard and it takes time. Anger is a part of that. Your grief is so new that you are having trouble coping right now. Time will help, but you may also want to talk to your doctor about grief groups or even possible meds that won't interfer with your baby. You know in your heart that you do care that you are pregnant, and I'm guessing that your dad would want you to take care of yourself and the grandchild you are carrying. Life can really be unfair at times, and I don't have any words that will help. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my thoughts. I am so sorry that you have lost your father. Hugs, Fay

rock909
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2012

I mean your right i do care that im pregnant and i understand everyone wants me to take care of myself and the baby. And honestly i am , i eat as much as i can i take my meds. But everyone also has to let me cry and grieve. I miss my dad and i want him back and i believe i have the right to feel this way. I appreciate your support.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

You're right. You do need to grieve in your own way and time. Each of us needs to do that. Crying is not a bad thing. It helps us cope. Take care, Fay

Noellesmom
Posts: 1302
Joined: Aug 2010

Rock, I am 54 years old and last year when my mom passed away I sat in my husband's lap and cried that I wanted my mama.

How could you not want your daddy? You aren't saying you would want him back and hurting or sad: you just want your daddy.

Nothing wrong with that at all. You are not the first and you are not the last.

I want you to talk to your obstetrician and let her know what is going on.

Just remember to breathe. It is hard losing your daddy: it is harder when you are pregnant.

Hugs, Rock. You will get through this - it will not be easy but you will get through this.

rock909
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2012

Finally someone who understands! Of course i dont want him back in pain i jsut want him back. I was him to hug me, kiss me, talk to me. I just want more time. I wasnt ready for this. My ob gave me meds to help keep me calm but suggested to take them for emergency only. Also given im high risk. I have been avoiding takin them for that reason. I did take one at the funeral because i started hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I figured id writ emy feelings down where people understand me and get advice and support. Thank you so much for your suppport.

rock909
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2012

Finally someone who understands! Of course i dont want him back in pain i jsut want him back. I was him to hug me, kiss me, talk to me. I just want more time. I wasnt ready for this. My ob gave me meds to help keep me calm but suggested to take them for emergency only. Also given im high risk. I have been avoiding takin them for that reason. I did take one at the funeral because i started hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I figured id writ emy feelings down where people understand me and get advice and support. Thank you so much for your suppport.

Daddysgirl25
Posts: 25
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi! I totally relate to you and how you feel. I was 5 months pregnant when I lost my dad. He was my best friend in the world. It's such a hard time because you're pregnant and trying to grieve at the same time. I feel like I still haven't totally grieved yet because I had to try to forget about what happened and just get thru the rest of my pregnancy. Then when I gave birth 3 months ago I had to focus on the baby and being up all night. It's a very hard time but I will tell you that it gets easier. I dont know how but it does. I work a lot, have 2 kids, and make sure my mom is never alone. I think keeping so busy helps me deal. life will never be the same and it's hard getting used to the new "normal" but there's nothing that we can do to change it. Unfortunately. No one will understand you unless they've lost a parent that they were close with. And then going thru it pregnant is a whole different ball game. just try to keep as calm as you can and keep hydrated and eat whatever you can. I feel like G-d gave me my daughter to help me get through the pain of losing my dad. I'm sure that was the plan for you as well. Looking at her smiling face helps me get through each day. My husband didn't really understand either. He would feel so bad when I would cry. But I told him to just let me cry when I need to and to just leave me be. I think they just feel helpless. But remember that all of your feelings are totally normal. You need to feel any way that you need to and cry when you want. I hope things get easier...

FryinBaconWeari...
Posts: 2
Joined: Sep 2012

In 5 days, it will have been 5 years since my dad died of prostate cancer. He was diagnosed in the spring and died in September. We had gotten in a fight about a month and a half before he passed. We weren't really talking when I got the call that he was really getting bad. I was in college at the time. I never really addressed his death. I did go to a grief counseling group, but I stopped for whatever reason. I have two kids now and it saddens me that they will never know him-and he won't know them.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry that your partner doesn't understand. It is really difficult to feel like you are going through something alone and your feelings aren't being validated. I am also so happy for you that you are acknowledging your own feelings and giving yourself the space to grieve. And for being here-it's taken me 5 years.

I recently read "The Bounce Back Book" by Karen Salmansohn. I think it may be helpful for you at some point in your journey.

I too told my dad to let go. "Letting go isn't giving up." Something like that. I think our dads probably knew that we didn't actually want them to go. That we did mean we just didn't want them to be in pain anymore. When my dad was on the morphine, he kept trying to escape saying "Let's get out of here. Let's go." There is a playfulness, a freedom attached to my memory of that. Where the matters of the world don't really matter. I... don't think I actually have any advice. Just know that you aren't alone. We're all alone together. ;) Perhaps you will be able to look back on your times with him, and cherish the good ones and think gently of the less good ones. The reason why it hurts, why we miss them is because there was something amazing there. Which isn't a bad thing at all.

Congrats on your baby, and on having a parent you care so much for. I don't always feel supported or validated by my partner either. So here's to hoping those guys get a clue. ;)

daddysbestgirl
Posts: 3
Joined: Jan 2013

I totaly understand your pain.  I lost my dad ("daddy" to me) 2 weeks after his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  How do you go from having a father with you then 2 weeks later he is gone forever from your life.  I am devastated.  I want him back and I miss him terrible.  How do you go on after something like this happens.  I also held my dad's hand and watched him suffer.  I prayed that god would take him and save him from the pain.  When he passed, all I wanted was him back. I also wish I had not told him it was ok to go, but I know that I am just being selfish.  I don't know how I will ever get through his funeral this coming up this Sat.  I am not pregnant, but I don't give a damn about anything right now either.  I am so sad and angry and lonely for him.  No one understands what I am going through.  I never even imagined losing him, I don't know why, but it never crossed my mind on now he is gone.  How do you get over something like this.  Someone please tell me that things will someday get better.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

Time helps, but you will always miss him. As we go through life we often have losses. I don't believe there is such thing as closure, but the pain mellows.  Remember that we carry a  part of each of the loved ones we have lost in our hearts. They helped make us who we are. We never lose the love. Your grief is very new right now. I remember when I lost my dad and also later my husband. The first few months are almost unbearable. As time passes we find our way. We remember the good things. I, too, gave my husband permission to die and prayed for a peaceful end. It was the right thing to do. Take care of yourself. I'm sure your dad was very proud of you. Take time to grieve In your own way. Life will go on. Just give it time. Hugs, Fay  

daddysbestgirl
Posts: 3
Joined: Jan 2013

Thank you Fay.  I hope that time will help and heal me.  The pain I feel now is unbearable.  My fathers funeral is in 2 days and I don't know how I will ever get through that.  How do you tell them goodbye?  I hope my dad was proud of me.  I tried so hard to give him the very best care I could.  I wanted so badly to help him through this terrible disease.  I hope he knows how much I really loved him, I told him so many times.  Letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I am sorry for the loss of your husband and your father.  I wish you the very best and I do appreciate your help.

Aquagirl18
Posts: 45
Joined: Apr 2003

Hi I am 35 and I lost my dad to CLL in 2011 and I miss him so much I don't think any part of grief is abnormal but its what we do with it and how it affects us that is important.  I think many are angry, sad or upset when they lose someone.  It isn't fair and we can't change what happened we can only wish it didn't happen.  I am also upset but when there are no answers the only thing I can do when I feel down and missing my father is to cry and to talk to God.  Even if you don't know him or haven't talked to or prayed before he listens.  Somehow I believe strongly that God has brought me to this place where I am in life or carried me through the darkest hardest times without my knowing at the time.  How I got where I am now I don't know I thought I would not survive. So saying Hey God its me (your name) and share your feelings.  For those who have had a loss you are not alone and I still struggle with it all but we are support for one another.  If you need someone to talk to look for a support group or grief specialist and you can always post here on CSN. 

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