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Having a bad day.

Farmgirl2151's picture
Farmgirl2151
Posts: 12
Joined: Aug 2012

Just having a rough day. I'm so restricted to doing just daily duties around the house. So frustrating. Can't even fold laundry well and I never thought that would be something I wanted to do. I have a lot of,pressure in my chest due to,the mastectomy and reconstruction and I know I'm only three weeks out but I am just so tiered of feeling like I do. I watched a love story kind of movie and it actually made me cry when the two people were getting intimate because I wonder if I will feel,like that again with my husband. Being able to feel skin against mine or feel feminine and sexy. 36 years old and I feel like i should be doing all of those things. I'm scared about my oncodx test result coming up too. I can't stop thinking about it. I think pelople around me just expect me to just get back to "normal" and I don't know what that is anymore. I don't want to be a downer but I have so much on my mind that are front and center. I just needed to vent and I don't want to make anyone around me to,feel uncomfortable because as much as they mean well I don't think anyone really knows what to,say. I'm not sure I would if I was in their shoes either. I know I'm suppose to stay positive but I sometimes need help with that. Thanks for listening to whomever. I hope I can return the favor sometime. Hugs to all.

debsweb18
Posts: 190
Joined: Jun 2012

I had a great cheering squad as I was going through my surgeries and radiation treatments. I felt I had to be strong and positive for everyone. But sometimes I just didn't feel very strong or positive. So it's ok to vent here. We've all been through it and understand. I'm a year out from diagnosis. I sometimes people forget I even had cancer and will never be the same again, both physically and mentally. They expect me to be completely normal like everyone else. I CAN'T work much more than 8 hours every day. I have trouble with 8 but I don't dare say anything. Other people don't understand.

You will feel sexy again if you want to. It may take a while. You need to heal. After I had my last surgery, a year after diagnosis, I did a boudoir shoot. I didn't think I could pose sexy (even before cancer). But the photographer did a good job and put me at ease. I ended up having a great time! My husband loves the pictures. In one picture, it looks like I'm cupping the reconstructive breast. Kinda of a tribute. I really recommend it after you're all done with treatments. Start looking for Groupons!

Tomorrow's another day and hopefully you'll feel better. The waiting is the hardest part. Hope you get your oncotype test back soon! Once you know what you have to do, you do it and you get through it.

Deb

New Flower
Posts: 4097
Joined: Aug 2009

Sorry it is ok to vent
You will find your "new normal" feeling better every day as time goes buy
Please do not push yourself and explain others that it is a new game for them too
Ask for help while you are recovering
Hugs

rallendorfer
Posts: 245
Joined: May 2012

hold on to momma and just cry for a bit. We will cry together for the loss of health and even the loss of confidence about the future. And then we will fold the darned laundry one sock at a time, ok?

I am 56 and wonder about the same issue with my dear husband. We will have to hope for that one, won't we? If there is one thing I keep hearing is the expectation on the pink sisters to be back to normal and it frustrates all of us. It is something I deal with too, so I understand. You can safely vent to us because it strikes home and reverberates in our soul...we feel the same way!

I hope with all of my heart that your test results are wonderful. Keep us posted, ok?

Sending you love and prayers.
Rebecca

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4630
Joined: Feb 2004

You are not alone, many of us have had many of the feeling you express cancer does a number on it thats for sure. I don't know where you are in the reconstruction process, it took awhile for my reconstruction to settle and the scarring to fade once it did it looked far more natural and gave me that more myself feeling. I hope you and your hubby do get back to the intimate nature of husband and wife that you had prior to cancer, it does take time though so I ask that you give yourself the time and space to get there you need to heal first. It is a sort of relearning process as you come to terms with all the changes that have occurred as you have fought so hard to survive. There is no shame in not being positive all of the time, how could you possibly be positive all of the time when your life has taken such an unexpected turn. Do the best that you can to be as positive as much as possible and know that with time things will get better. I wish you all the best and sincerely hope that your tests come back with good results.

♥ RE ♥

smalldoggroomer's picture
smalldoggroomer
Posts: 1181
Joined: May 2010

That is what is good about coming here. Because the only way you really understand this is to go through it. We know how you feel. I feel the same way at times. I feel like I should always be strong for my family. Because I want them to always think I'm Ok. But I do have days when I'm down don't feel well. These days always pass. And for the most part my days are Ok. I am restricted to the house because I am oxygen dependent. I can't get my house work done either. This bothers me when my sister does it. But I would do it for her, and wouldn't want her to feel bad about it. So I learned to let others help me. And I bet if you ask your husband if your sexy he would paint a different picture then you have in your mind. You are still healing and need some time for that. Things will get better I promise that. Be kind to your self take the time it takes. We are all here for you what ever you need. Take care Darlin Kay,

missrenee's picture
missrenee
Posts: 2137
Joined: Apr 2010

It's part of the process. I agree with the others--it's impossible to know what or how we feel if you haven't been in our shoes. To me, breast cancer is every bit as much an emotional disease as it is a physical disease. After progression of my Stage 3C breast cancer of 2 1/2 years, I just had a left-sided mastectomy. Unfortunately, my skin is so fragile and damaged because of the radiation I previously had, my surgeon said reconstruction is probably not possible. So, not only am I trying to heal physically, I'm sort of in mourning as well. Right now I feel ugly, deformed and "less than." It will take time for me to accept this, but I know eventually I will. Will I ever feel sexy again--don't know.

Anyway, take your time healing--in the long run it will pay off. If you try to rush the process, other complications could develop. We're all here for you, sweetie and we understand.

Would love to know your first name so I can stop calling you Farmgirl!

Gentle hugs, Renee

Farmgirl2151's picture
Farmgirl2151
Posts: 12
Joined: Aug 2012

My name is Amy! Thanks Renee you made me giggle.
We have a wheat farm so it just seemed appropriate. Thanks so much for your positive words. You are so good at this. I feel like I'm fumbling everyday through a different emotion every five minutes. I wish for you the very best in your journey. Not sure who your holding in the picture but what a great picture and you have have such a kind sweet face and smile.

Love
Amy

Farmgirl2151's picture
Farmgirl2151
Posts: 12
Joined: Aug 2012

I just read all the responses and feel so much better. I appreciate all of you and your kind words. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone in my feelings and thoughts. I'm headed out today for just a "me day" and I am looking forward to coming home with a lighter heart. Need to keep plugging away and cherishing all the wonderful things in my life. I think I also need to just talk with my hubby and let him know how I feel so I don't resent him for not guessing how I feel! That really wouldn't be fair to him. He has been so great and I can't expect him to read my mind. Thank you again.

Hugs to you all

Love
Amy

MsGebby's picture
MsGebby
Posts: 659
Joined: Oct 2011

You are saying things that we all have felt at one point or another. AND ... pardon my language ... IT SUCKS!

I just posted a note called REFLECTIONS. I had to respond to a response about being able to feel and being able to feel without having those feelings needing validation.

The pink sisters here are the most supportive group I've ever encountered. So...you did the right and best thing you could've done at this stage of the journey. You came here to find solace and support. And ... girl .... you got it.

Please don't ever feel you have to apologize for FEELING. It's human. My heart sunk when I read how young you are. Your post showed me how courageous and how thoughtful you are.

Take time for yourself. Don't let this disease define YOU. You are a lovely young woman who wants to have normalcy in her life. You will find that normalcy. It may not be the same as before, but it will be a new normal that you and your family can understand and be able to live with. Trust me. And trust our pink sisters.

Sending you gentle hugs and plenty of love....

Mary

Barb A's picture
Barb A
Posts: 101
Joined: Jun 2009

My subject line is what my husband said to me when I told him I didn't want him to see me after my mastectomy. It took time, but as I healed and absorbed his love and support, we worked through the feelings for both of us. He was just so happy that I was still here with him. He read a book called "Breast Cancer Husband" that gave him some great insight as well. I'm sorry, I don't recall the author. We both learned to be open with what we are feeling. That's funny because he was never that way. He didn't even like to hold hands out in public.

It will take time, but as you heal you'll learn ways to feel good about yourself. Personally, a good spa day helps me. Just knowing I kicked cancer's butt makes me feel strong (well, most days).

Take care and come here any time. There are wonderful ladies here (some guys too) that will pick you up any time you need it.

Barb A

camul's picture
camul
Posts: 2118
Joined: Dec 2010

but you will find they get less as time goes on. Keep coming here, we really do understand. I too remember looking at my chest and thinking it looked like a horrible bumpy road map. But it did get better and I realized that my breasts, as important as they were, are such a small part in the total picture, but it took a while and wearing a lot of hoodies before I came to this. Reconstruction (and a big beautiful tattoo that covered all the scars) did help with the emotional part of it. lol

I wish you all the best, and like Renee said, this in many ways is as much if not more a mental disease as it is a physical one, and sometimes it feels like the ride isn't going to stop! Now you need to get some comedies, popcorn and chocolate!

Hugs and prayers,
Carol

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