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overwhemed

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

Guys I have hit my limit. I just want to cry. I don't know what to do, other than crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there forever. I am so tired of this. I don't want to make any decisions. I don't want to do anything. The depression is winning right now. Trying to stay positive is getting harder everyday. I hate cancer and everything that comes with it.

I keep trying to say this too shall pass, but WHEN??

Zoi29
Posts: 11
Joined: Aug 2012

I am so sorry you feel that way. I have been feeling pretty much the same especially right after I was diagnosed and now I am just waiting in fear...

It's so hard to deal with this disease and I feel like I am too young for this but then again it's awful no matter what age you are.

anliperez915's picture
anliperez915
Posts: 756
Joined: Sep 2011

Hi Beth,
I understand sweetie..really sorry that you're in the dark place right now. I always tell people that if they feel like crying to go ahead and do so...I feel that it cleanses your soul! Not sure how your treatments went but I'm Thinking not so well from reading your post. I will be praying for you. Please keep us updated and stay strong! Many Hugs to you sweetie.

Sincerely,
Liz

miss maggie
Posts: 929
Joined: Mar 2010

Beth,

I do understand that feeling of depression, and hating cancer. I know all of us feel this
way at one time or another. So much so for changing our lives.

I know all the decisions you were forced to make. So far, you are one brave lady.
Did anything new come up????

May I suggest calling the Lymphoma Society? When I was first DX, the depression was
unbearable. The pain I felt, I can't describe. I spoke with a social worker. I felt
better after explaining what I was going through.

Think of me hugging you and crying along with you. I only hope tomorrow is better for
you. A better Day. Love Maggie

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

Had my 5th rituxan thurs. My onc wants to get my sister hla tested, if she doesn't match then my brother. From there possibly the unrelated list. I just feel like they are all pushing me that direction. I will go back in a month and probably scan in october. One choice is if it's staying the same maybe radiate that area. If it is growing or spreading adding the treanda. Problem with that is once it's gone, that would be the time for allo. I understand that, it makes sense. We still owe my father in law money from the last time. This time I am convinced we would lose our house. I have 3 dogs and 2 cats. I don't want to put my hubby through this again. So at this point projection is the problem. Does any of this make sense?

I am just not sleeping well and am exhausted. He did refill my xanax to help me sleep and stop shaking. So I still know nothing. That's what is frustrating. Just a bad moment in time.

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3175
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Beth,
I posted a message, but pulled it when I saw this post from you...as you answered the question I had asked. How could you not be exhausted and depressed with so much on your plate to decide on?? You have been through so much already, and I can't imagine you having to face yet another transplant!!! Overwhelming indeed! I just wish there was a way to physically help you...big hug etc..instead of writing words. Take your Xanax when needed and as hard as it's going to be, try to just live in the day and not allow all of the emotions to take you down. I know it's easier said than done. I've known you since July of 2010 and you have always inspired me with your strength and willingness to tackle everything head on. You amaze me Beth! It's ok to break weak...we all do...and it's to be expected when new issues and decisions come up. I like your last sentence.."just a bad moment in time"...it tells me that you do know it's only a moment and when the time comes you will do what you have to do. One thing I've learned from you is that you are a fighter. We will go through the fight with you...all the way. Take care sweetie and share with us what will be decided. Love you and praying for more peaceful times. Hugs...Sue

miss maggie
Posts: 929
Joined: Mar 2010

Dear Beth,

I read Sue's and Jim's response to you. Their words are my thoughts to you.
Both of them are very wise in their response.

You say "test your sister, brother, scan in October, possible radiate, Treanda, and
then Allo. Owing you father-in-law, and losing your home."

I can see why you are overwelmed. Your brain is thinking too much. You are thinking of
all the possibilities at once. You have to slow down. Just reading your post overwelmed
me also. We are our worst enemies. Somehow, we all worry our selves to death. Hopefully
this will all work out. And you will think back, and say why did I do this to myself.

I will say an extra prayer to you. You should be at peace in each endevor ahead.

Love Maggie

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3175
Joined: Jul 2010
vinny59's picture
vinny59
Posts: 1030
Joined: Nov 2006

Hi Beth, reading your post makes me want to cry...... Believe me when I say that the feeling of dread and hopelessness are overwhelming. You know that the only thing this cancer can't take from you is your frame of mind. It can shake the core, but you have control. Easier said then done staying positive, but you have done it before. I know that financially, this can take a toll, work out some type of payment plan with the hospital, see if you can apply for some state aid... hang in their Beth, don't give up...... Vinny

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2085
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Sweet Beth,

I read your post yesterday and just couldn't respond at the time - I wasn't sure
what to say. You've had way more experience at dealing with this than most of us.
You know the drill, the fight, the ups and downs of this crazy roller coaster ride.

I'm so sorry you are in a dark place right now and I can certainly understand it.
I know you will work through this because I know what a wonderful light you have inside of you. I hope you rest awhile and find renewed energy in this battle.

I was considering making your King Ranch Chicken today or tomorrow. I'll
be keeping you close to my heart (and stomach I guess ;)).

I hate cancer too and what it does to us.

Hugs to you, your family and the dogs/cats,

Jim

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

Send king ranch and I will smile ear to ear!

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 1210
Joined: May 2012

That sounds more like the Dixie we know and care about !

Have you had any results back from just the Rituxan ? I know you are very knowledgable about how these things work, but is it not possible that you will NOT need another transplant ? Perhaps the treatments will work better than you fear. We are praying and hoping so. I hope you get that spirit back, and can take this one set of results at a time. I know this has been a terrible marathon for you, perhaps worse than anything most of us responders have faced.

Bless you, and may things work out better than you fear they will at this dark moment,

max

.

veedub's picture
veedub
Posts: 42
Joined: Jul 2012

sending reiki and virtual hugs and also a Virtual Nice Cup Of Tea, which is the British way of dealing with any situation. Drink Tea and Carry On.

*tinkles virtual spoon in virtual cup*

bb
v

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 1210
Joined: May 2012

Green Tea was one of the few things I could stand to drink during treatment.

Not "British Proper" but tea...

max

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 1210
Joined: May 2012

There is a great line on one of the Pink Floyd hits off of their Dark Side of the Moon LP:

"Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way."

So true.

max

veedub's picture
veedub
Posts: 42
Joined: Jul 2012

i've always been fond of noisy desperation myself. that way you might get help. it is definitely time to make some noise if you are getting depressed. depression, i have heard, is anger turned inward. so allow yourself to get angry. beat your pillow to death and scream in the bathroom when nobody's home. talk to people here and in MeatSpace survivor support groups--i know you can find one somewhere, just google them. it's amazing the amount and scope of help available aside from the strictly medical.

this cancer thing is like climbing mount everest--you need trusty sherpas to guide you. people on this board have the experience and can feel into your situation, even though it might not be totally alike. there are concentric circles surrounding you: the inner one is your closest family, the next one your medical team, and then outside of that all those people who say "if there's anything i can do..." this third ring really needs you to assign them tasks, like "please do my grocery shopping this week" or "could you come over and empty the catbox for me?" or "i hear you make a dynamite chicken soup. could you bring me some?" of "hey, my hair is all gone. how about making me a cute hat to keep my head warm?" etc., etc., etc. this third circle of friends and acquaintances would love some tasks to do. and when it comes to money, you know it's not all that difficult to raise money on the internet--lots of people would contribute, and do all the time. here's a sample:

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there are tons of places where you can get a hand when you need it so you don't have to lose your house.that's your fourth concentric circle: the Kindness of Strangers. it's a beautiful thing.

love
v

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 2085
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Beth,

I made the King Ranch Chicken yesterday and it was very good.
I took it to my brother in law's and we scarfed it down while
watching television. It is indeed comfort food :).

Hope you're feeling better.

Hugs,

Jim

winthefight's picture
winthefight
Posts: 162
Joined: Dec 2007

Hi Dixie,

I am sorry you have all of this on you. I pray that depression will be lifted off of you. And, if you feel like crying....go for it. It will relieve some of the stress you are under. Perhaps radiation may work for you. I too was facing a transplant. But went with rads instead. My Oncologist is convinced rads pushed me into remission. As far as your finances goes, are you tapping into the financial aid and Nat'l Co-Pay assistance programs through the Leukemia Lymphoma society? If not, that may be something you may want to apply for.

Be anxious for nothing. We are pulling for you girl. Whatever you focus on, you will hit every time. You can win this. You really can.

JoanieP's picture
JoanieP
Posts: 573
Joined: Mar 2010

Beth, I am hardly on but I saw your post today I am so sorry for your depression and all the things that are spinnig in your head. If I may suggest a book I bought and then bought 9 to give to friends. We now use it in our Hope cancer supposrt group. It is called Jesus Calling by Sarah YOung. It is a daily devotional. This is one from May 25th. It says" The world is too much with you my child. Your mind leaps to problem to problem tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you.
When you turn from your problems to My presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfyinhg connection with Me . Together we can handle whatever this day brings.

miss maggie
Posts: 929
Joined: Mar 2010

Dear Joanie,

I just dropped by to say hello. How are you doing? It is so nice seeing a famaliar
face. I hope you enjoyed your summer.

This summer back east has been so hot and humid. I am looking forward to the cold and
snow. What am I saying? No snow except for Xmas.

What an emotional devotional by Sarah Young. Thank you so much for posting.

Hugs and love from Maggie

JoanieP's picture
JoanieP
Posts: 573
Joined: Mar 2010

It is nice to see you posting also. We were gone 47 days which is really too long. We spent 11 days in Greensboro NC at a family reunion. My husband has 6 sibs and we had so much fun. We rode the train from Florida for a new experience. It was fun but never again. Then we flew to San Fransico where our son, his wife and two grandchildren live. Our daughter flew out there also. The next day we left in their motor home to Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho and Oregon and back down the beautiful coast to CA. We saw so many beautiful and magestic sights. Our favorite place was Jackson Hole, Wyoming. We stayed by a beautiful river for 10 days. I felt so blessed to feel well and have wonderful family time. We decide we were not dysfuntional since we did not kill each other after being in the camper for 23 days:) Then we went back to their home and toured San Fransico. Now I am back to work teaching 5th grade. This is my last year and I am ready to retire!!! I go for a PET scan in Sept and as the time gets closer I think about it more. I hope you are feeling well. It's quite warm in Florida but unlike you there is no snow in the future. Have a great rest of the week and may God bless you. Thanks for writing

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