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Here we go again - with added stress

base61ball
Posts: 127
Joined: Jun 2008

First let me say that I'm having a really bad day today. Usually, I can cope with things better and maintain a positive attitude. Just don't feel like it today.

My first cancer and lumpectomy was in 2008. In July, 2010, I was diagnosed again and have been in various chemos solid since then. Last March the PET showed remission and I had three cycles left of Xeloda. At the end of that, cancer had reappeared so now I'm on Abraxane. I have also had a double mastectomy in May of last year. They had to go in twice because they didn't get it all the first time. I had to have skin grafts because of the large area, the result of which is back spasms where they took the graft out of my back. At the present time, I am Stage 4.

On May 23 of this year my precious daughter was diagnosed with leukemia. As God would have it, my son was a perfect match and he donated his cells last week. My daughter has checked back into the hospital - starts the 24/7 chemo to bring her to zero so she can have the transplant. She's only 43! Obviously I can't go to her (she's out of state) because of my treatment. Its so frustrating to not be able to be there for her.

So today I'm looking at the internet and Facebook. People are planning vacations, going to work, posting stupid stuff to Facebook, worrying about manicures, etc. Guess I'm jealous because my whole life revolves around cancer.

I want it to be over and have my life back. I want to be healthy and not have this cancer over my head every single day. I want my daughter to be able to raise her two special needs children. There is no family history of breast cancer or leukemia. Lucky us, we are the first. Thanks for listening.

peanutcat's picture
peanutcat
Posts: 104
Joined: Mar 2011

I am so sorry. Things will get better. Your sons cells will work perfect and the Abraxane will work for you. The secret that I found helped me is to be UPBEAT. I was diagnosed last Feb with Breast Cancer. I had a double masectomy because of strong family history my sister passed from it. I will sa prayers for you. Things are tough for us right now, not cancer related but it is one thing right after another. I still stay upbeat. Please do that for me stay upbeat you and your daughter will be in my prayers. good luck

Gabe N Abby Mom's picture
Gabe N Abby Mom
Posts: 2415
Joined: Sep 2010

Hello and welcome,

Although it saddens me that you have the need for us, I think you have found the right place to relieve some of that stress. I have found the people here very caring and compassionate.

I'm stage IV also, and there are several of us here. Hopefully they will chime in soon also. A little history so you know where I'm coming from...Original dx Aug2010, TNIBC, 6 rounds TAC, bilateral with left axilla dissection, 44 rounds of rads. Local recurrence Aug 2011, surgery for that, also found mets to lymph nodes between my lungs. Tried Xeloda first, didn't work for me. Then 6 months abraxane, which I found relatively easy to tolerate. Aug 2012 found brain mets, just completed rads for that. Back to chemo next week, Navelbene this time.

While I was in initial treatment, my MIL and SIL were in treatment also. They're in NYC, I'm in CA. Although it think it would be much harder if it were my daughter, I get the desire to be there for her. And the frustration that your body just won't allow it at this time. It helped me and my husband to use all the technology available to us...we used Skype, email, and phone to stay in contact. Skype helped a lot because we could see them, and we still use it now.

I also get the jealousy of a life without cancer. It is my deepest desire for all of us. But, I was dealt a different hand, and am forced to play that hand to the best of my ability...after all, I don't like the alternative.

I hope it helps to know you are not alone in how you feel. For me, I also think that regardless of our stage or our dx, we all have those down days. I hope today is a better day for you. Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,

Linda

base61ball
Posts: 127
Joined: Jun 2008

Thank you for your posts. It helps. Sometimes all this stuff just gets to me. Guess I should serve cheese and crackers with my "whine".

I know we do what we have to do and we play the hand we are dealt. Just not liking this hand very much right now. Tomorrow will be different.

Hugs to you, too.

camul's picture
camul
Posts: 2003
Joined: Dec 2010

I think we all understand. Stage IV sucks there is no way around it. I was originally diagnosed in 2002, had chemo, Mastectomy, and reconstruction. Atypical cell tumors in thyroid and bladder started in 2009. Mets to bones (almost all in 2010). Have been on weekly chemo for 18 months until a couple of weeks ago when chemo was stopped all together.

Right before my diagnosis, my 23 yr old son at the time, now 26, was diagnosed with ET, a blood disorder that is in the Leukemia family. Only cure is BMT, I know I won't be here to help him through this. 2 brothers dealing with cll, and one also has small cell lymphoma. Cancer sucks and you are right sometimes it is hard to see others having a normal life, but at the same time, I wouldn't wish this on anyone else.
We do what we have to to get to tomorrow.

I use Skype also with my sisters, as my siblings all live in other states. I don't think we would get through this if we didn't vent or allow ourselves to feel bad sometimes. So vent away!

I wish you and your daughter the best. As a mom it is so hard to not be able to help our children when they need it.

Prayers,,
Carol

New Flower
Posts: 3914
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi,
Sorry that you are having a bad day.
I saw my oncologist today who gave me a compliment , I am stage IV too currently on Xeloda and Xgeva
I asked about vacations she said we want to gain control first and then take vacations. I agreed we her. As Linda and Carol I use Skype and other technologies to stay connected. My 74 years old Mom leaves abroad and I could not visit her since my initial diagnosis 4 years ago, thanks to Skype we are talking every other day.
I am sorry about your daughter , please talk to your doctor maybe it will be ok for you to go for her surgery and be with your two children at the most critical moment for your family.
Sending positive thought s and please come back
New Flower

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