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My insecurity

plaudit07
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2012

Has anyone delt with feeling insecure? I'm new to this site and have been in remission from large B cell non-hodgkins lymphoma for one and a half years. I'm doing really well health wise, but seem to have issues emotionally on occasion. I haven't been in support groups and feel that is a mistake.

Most of my emotional problems have surfaced long after treatment. During and after treatment I was pretty much numb with no personality whatsoever. Then I had a full-hysterectomy and few months after that I developed all the menopausal symptoms. I had a really bad time with that but have overcome the menopausal symptoms without hormones, but still seem to have some issues. My husband has been very supportive throughout all of this.

I am an ex smoker that has relapsed on occasion. Smoking is a big issue for me and it was really hard to quit. I use nicotine gum now and seem to be addicted to that now. My husband is a smoker too and has tried to quit and is trying to quit. This has been a source of contention for both of us. I really beat him up for failing-although I fail occasionally too. I've also managed to take his lying about smoking to the next level of what else are you lying about. He is not lying about anything. He is just struggling to quit and so he hides it because he doesn't want to give me an excuse to smoke.

Why am I doing this? He has been wonderful to me. Is this normal behavior for a cancer survivor?

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I can't really answer your question in first person because I have not had cancer. I was a caregiver, though. Coming here to these boards has also taught me much. You sound pretty normal to me. I think cancer makes you more aware of your mortality. You realize that things can happen with out warning. Things that you have no control over. Things that can change your life overnight. Sounds pretty scary to me. There is something here I have experienced, though, and that's menopause. I'm not sure you ever get through with that. Over 10 years in and I'm still having the occasional hot flash. Just saying, you've been through a lot. Give yourself some credit. I'm thinking you are taking your emotions out on the one person you love best. Admitting that puts you on the right track. Share with him your fears. He has some, too. You know he is trying to do the right thing. You might want to find that support group now, too. Even the strongest among us needs support. Fay

plaudit07
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2012

Thank you Fay! Your response means a lot. I do need to join a support group and plan to join nicotine anonymous this week. I'm also looking into cancer survivor groups.

Yeah, I know he is trying to do the right thing. Hopefully the support groups will help me understand and cope with my fears. I've been alone a lot the last year and a half because I was "let go" one month after my last chemo treatment. I think it's driving me crazy and I really need conversation with folks in the same boat!

Thanks again!

katenorwood
Posts: 1829
Joined: May 2012

Hello !
I too had a hysterectomy (radical) mine was a year before my cancer dx. I also am trying hard to quit smoking....not easy, relasping more than I want to admit ! I also tried counsling for survivorship issues...what a joke. All she wanted to know is if I had made a bucket list. For heavens sake, I don't want to talk about this ! And our cancer group in my area only meets three times a year, haven't made an appearance there because it won't be til Sept. So, we are alot alike. My hubby too is a smoker, but saying this I don't harp on it because it is his choice. Please keep posting, or if you want to privately mail me, just to BS. You aren't alone in your feelings, as women we think different. And this is all good seriously. Don't over think things, but continue to reach out. By the way, my dx was head and neck cancer. (adenoid cystic carcinoma) But I try to reach out to everyone I can. To me we are all in this together, and need to support each other. Warmest wishes sent to you and yours ! Katie

plaudit07
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2012

Katie:

Thank you so much for responding! I need all the support I can get. Sorry it took so long to respond. I kept checking after I originally posted and it took some time for you and Fay to answer. So I didn't check in very often. Nontheless, Thank you again.

I would like to talk to you via email if that is ok. It would be great to share stories and support. Hang in there! When was your dx? YOu can email me anytime! I will see if I can figure out how to find your email address.

Thanks again,

Barb

jjustin
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2012

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EsmerB
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi, I'm 35 and an Ovarian Cancer survivor. Because of my cancer I also had a Full-hysterectomy. I was just diagnosed 6months ago. I'm divorced from a 13yr marriage and have no children. When I found out about my Cancer my boyfriend of 3.5 months was sitting right next to me.. It has been extremely hard for me accepting not being able to have children. My boyfriend has been by my side every step of the way. He is amazing and I'm blessed to have him. None the less I do get insecure because I can never give him a child. So I do sometimes pick fights thinking he'd be happy with a woman that can. And due to the surgery I have an ugly scar on my stomach and that's caused me to feel unattractive to him. All my friends and family have kids. So I don't talk ti them about it.. I think what your feeling is normal. I will say that after I've been a jerk or Bratt because of my insecurities I do own up to it and apologize..
Stay strong..

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